


Exit: Pursued by a Bear

by Ladytalon



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dismemberment, Drunkenness, Exhibitionism, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Drama, Getting to Know Each Other, Humor, Love Confessions, M/M, Manipulation, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Mutual Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pranks and Practical Jokes, References to Addiction, Relationship Discussions, Rimming, Rough Sex, Sex, Sex Toys, Suspense, Teasing, Zombie Hunters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-30 10:57:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 86,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20096140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: Timothy Lawrence is rescued from Friendship Gulag and attempts to readjust to freedom, but Pandoran society isn't ready to accept Jack's Doppleganger just yet.  Thankfully Dr. Ned from Jakobs Cove is ready, willing, and able to help him out.  Companion piece toA Thrilling Game of Cat and Mouse.





	1. A Practical Guide to Sexual Opportunism

Tim doesn’t choose to remember much about his seemingly endless imprisonment in Friendship Gulag, but there are two days that he’ll never forget - the day he got there, and the day he left.

He’d known going in that it would be awhile before Jack was thrown off the scent, but what better place to hide than in one of Hyperion’s most infamous prisons? Tim had wanted to flee offworld but Wilhelm had been, as always, a voice of reason...Jack wouldn’t think to look for him so close by, and he’d be perfectly positioned for Wilhelm to come back and get him.

Only...Wilhelm _hadn’t_ come back.

He’d spent countless days waiting only to discover that, while Wilhelm had lied to keep him safe out him there, another mission had injured him badly enough to require yet another surgery. That surgery had finally taken enough humanity from Wilhelm to ensure that Tim would cease to matter to him. 

Tim opens his eyes to a totally unfamiliar view, and it takes him a few seconds to remember where he is – a rundown motel in a town called Fyrestone. He stays under the pile of warm blankets and looks around the room, taking in the peeling wallpaper and faded furnishings that were probably old even before he was born, and Tim feels the tears pricking at the backs of his eyes. It may be a far cry from the clean lines and cold, impersonal efficiency of Friendship Gulag but to Tim it’s the most beautiful place he’s ever seen in his life.

He rubs at his face and takes a few deep breaths before sitting up to look for his shoes. Tim’s wearing the dirty, ripped prison uniform he’s had on for days and even though one of his rescuers offered him a shower he still feels filthy. The sound of voices make him jerk his hand back from the latch, but after another deep breath Tim forces himself to open it. Three identical pairs of green eyes lock onto him the instant he steps through the door. “Um. Hi there,” Tim says faintly.

Two of the brothers scoff and turn away from him in apparent disinterest, but the third gives Tim an encouraging smile. “Heya. You’re Tim, right?”

“Yeah, I am. Sorry, I don’t…uh…”

“That’s alright,” the man says kindly. “It tends to take folks awhile – the name’s Ned.” He stands up from the bench he’s been sitting on and comes over. “You’re almost as skinny as Ted’s one. You hungry, kid? C’mon with me.” Ned beckons Tim over to where some sort of grill has been set up.

Tim’s stomach rumbles at the smell of the cooked meat. “Wow, that looks really good.”

Ned murmurs something under his breath as he reaches for a plate. “How long you been in there, anyway?” He asks while slicing a few chunks of meat from the roast whatever-it-is. It’s so tender that it’s nearly falling off of the bone, and Tim decides that he doesn’t even care _what_ it used to be.   
“I don’t know. Two years? Three?”

The other man pauses, and starts loading Tim’s plate with meat and several thick slices of bread. “Huh. Well, grab a drink and come sit down.” Ned waits for Tim to pick up a can of rakk ale before moving back towards the fire, and there’s nothing for Tim to do but to follow. He sits in the indicated spot, trying to ignore the way they’re all looking at him, and Ned passes him the plate as soon as he’s settled in. “That surgery musta cost somethin’ dear,” Ned muses. “I know someone who could reverse it.”

Tim ducks his head. “Well, um. Jack said something about a _bomb_, so…”

“Lemme see?” Ned holds his hands up, and reaches over when Tim nods in permission. Strong, work-roughened fingers feel at Tim’s jawline carefully. Despite the fact that it’s obviously just an impersonal examination, Tim gets the feeling that it’s more than that somehow and looks away when their eyes meet. Ned’s lips twitch as Tim looks away first, but not far enough away that he doesn’t see the aborted smile. The doctor explores Tim’s face with gentle pressure, and Tim feels his stomach lurch when Ned suddenly stops dead and leans even closer to tap a finger on one of Tim’s sideburns. “Uh-oh.”

“What? What is it?” Tim asks, panic-stricken. “Oh, god. It's a bomb, isn’t it? There really is a bomb! Is it a bomb?”

Ned lets his hands drop and leans back. “No bomb, but your left whatsits is longer’n the right one.”

“So…you’re saying my _hair_ is uneven?”

“Looks that way,” Ned agrees. “Hate to be the bearer of bad news an’ all, but it looks kinda dumb. You want, I could trim it for you.”

Tim lets out his breath in a rush and shoves at Ned before he realizes exactly what he’s doing. “Dammit, you had me worried for a second…!”

Ned grins and lifts his own can of ale to drink from it. “I’m just playin’. Say, those clothes’re filthy as hell. How about we fix you up with somethin’ clean and _not_ Hyperion-issue? I got some stuff back in the motel that might fit.”

“Oh.” He gives Ned a tentative smile. “Thanks. It’ll be nice to get this uniform off me.”

“I bet it would,” Ned murmurs.

“Keep it in your freakin’ pants and leave the kid alone; he’s tryin’ to eat,” one of the triplets says suddenly. “So am I.”

Tim hunches his shoulders and the words _I’m sorry_ are on the tip of his tongue when Ned laughs. “Now that, Tim, is exactly how you can tell which of us is named Zed. You just look for the huge stick jammed up his ass and check his face t’see if it looks like somebody waved a plateful of shit under his nose.”

Zed’s scowl deepens. “I do not look like that.”

“You kinda do, though,” Ted volunteers.

“Do I go around makin’ fun of _your_ resting expression?”

“Well, _no_, but that’s just ‘cause both of us are presumed dead.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one,” Zed tells him, stabbing his fork into a piece of meat and examining it critically. “You got some friends or family you can stay with, kid?”

Tim licks his lips nervously. “Um. I-I don’t really have any-”

“You could stay with me, if you want,” Ned interrupts casually. “Jakob’s Cove’s got plenty of room for you, an’ I can personally guarantee nobody’s gonna get a bug up their ass ‘cause of what you look like.”

Tim is saved from having to reply when Ted and Zed start laughing, which makes Ned scowl at them. “Thanks,” Tim says quietly, just loud enough for Ned to hear. “This food smells really good,” he says more loudly, lifting the fork to his mouth and taking a bite. It tastes even better, though, and he closes his eyes as he chews the first real food he’s had since before he’d been stranded in Friendship Gulag. “Oh my god. Oh, wow,” Tim moans rapturously.

He opens his eyes to find all three doctors staring at him. “Well, there’s your preview,” Ted comments for some reason.

“Shut up,” Ned says automatically. “When’s the last time anyone checked on President Beanpole?”

“That ain’t his name,” Ted snaps back. “And he’s _fine_.”

“And _that’s_ a matter of opinion,” Zed comments. “Still, I guess it’s about time you settled down. Whyn’t you go sit with him?”

“No-”

“I’ll do it,” Ned volunteers, and Tim feels his stomach sinking as the only friendly face available is getting up to leave. Well, it wouldn’t be the first time he’d been abandoned in hostile territory. “Where’d Patty get off to?”

Zed declines to comment on her whereabouts and angles himself so that he doesn’t have to look at Tim. Ted, however, is inspecting him carefully – the kind of inspection that someone might give a lab animal before experimenting on it, Tim thinks. Or, more appropriately, the look that a predator might give its prey before moving in for the kill. They might be identical, but there’s just something about Ted that makes Tim’s skin crawl. It’s hard to believe that Blake has feelings for someone this…deadly.

Tim ducks his head back over his plate, still feeling Ted’s gaze upon him. Ted hadn’t wanted to free him in the first place, and the whole thing’s awkward as hell – especially since an argument involving Tim’s rescue had caused Jeffrey to collapse. “Where _is_ that girl of yours?” Ted asks, finally looking away and over at Zed.

“She’s around,” Zed says vaguely.

Ted shakes his head and tries his best to start another fight. “Best t’keep an eye on that one. If she ain’t eatin’ everything in sight, then she’s spewin’ it right back up. Still, I guess Pandora’s the place to be if you got a disorder like that – she’ll fit right in.”

“She’s got no ‘disorders like that’. What she _does_ got is none of your fuckin’ business, Slappy. Now, how long’re you gonna keep playin’ soldier? Past time you came home where you belong.”

“I _never_ belonged here,” Ted says scathingly, “and I won’t get into it again with this one around t’listen.” Tim makes sure not to be caught looking at them. “We’ll be outta your hair once Blake’s well enough to get goin’.”

“Gonna bring him back up there in what he was wearin’?”

“Nah, I got a suit for him. He’s lost some weight though, with the Shivers an’ all, so hopefully it’ll fit.”

Zed takes the change of subject and rolls with it, sharing the information he’s gathered over the years about the Shivers. The level of hostility lowers enough for Tim to breathe easier, but he’s still embarrassed when his stomach rumbles loudly to fill a sudden silence. “Sorry…”

“There’s enough if you need more,” Zed says, brushing the apology aside. “You got some manners on you, I’ll admit, but you’re probably not gonna go over there an’ fill your plate again ‘cause you feel like you’re a, uh…an _imposition_.”

“Imposition, huh? She’s got you hooked with those five dollar words,” Ted observes. “Fancy.”

“Shut up.”

Tim uses their disagreement as a chance to slip away, glad that he has an excuse to fill his plate again. He lingers by the table and sneaks several mouthfuls of meat so that he doesn’t have to worry about being criticized for taking too much. “Greetings, villain,” a voice says, nearly causing him to fling his laden plate into the air.

He presses a hand to his chest, breathing hard, and turns to see a dark-haired woman standing right behind him. The same one who’d driven the Technical away from the prison, Tim realizes. “Oh. W-were you talking to, uh, me?”

“There is no one else around except the skag whose flesh you are currently devouring so, yes, I _was_ speaking to you,” Patricia Tannis says evenly, squinting up at him. “I could use your assistance with this food.”

Tim takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly to calm his frazzled nerves. “Sure. What can I get you?”

“Ten pounds of everything,” she sighs, pressing a hand to her stomach. “I feel as if I have not eaten in days.”

“I know what that’s like, but I’m not so sure I’ll be able to load a plate with _that_ much.” Tim assures her that he’ll carry a full plate for her over to the fire, and starts to carefully pile pieces of meat onto the plate she gives him.

Tannis moves in close so that she can stare at him. “What is it like, to share that face?”

Tim glances at her to find that her face is mere inches from his, and looks away uncomfortably. “It’s, uh…it’s not great. One of those things you just deal with ‘cause there’s no other choice.”

“Did the surgery hurt? What about the voice box implant? Does your hair always look like that?”

“You ask a lot of questions,” Tim starts, and finishes by nearly leaping out of his skin when a hand gently shunts him out of the way.

One of the triplets smiles at him, reaching for the tongs resting against the rim of the huge pan. “Don’t mind her – she just can’t help herself. Guess who just woke up?”

“If I were Zed, I might make a reply that somehow concerns your mother. Since I am not Zed, and everyone else is present as well as accounted for…it is Jeffrey Blake to whom you are referring,” Tannis guesses.

Ted lifts himself off of his perch and disappears into the motel while Ned turns to watch. “You got it, sweetheart. Take it easy on the new kid, huh? He looks shy.” Ned lifts his eyebrows at Tim, who fights back an answering smile and glances over at the fire. 

Zed is staring at him in a way that makes smiling the least of Tim’s worries. “Um, is there a Quick Change anywhere close by? I mean, by any chance?” Maybe if he had something else to wear other than the Hyperion prison uniform, Zed might be…friendlier. Something tells him that his clothing isn’t the _real_ problem, but it’s a start.

“We don’t got one of those ‘round here, but I got some clothes you might could fit into like I said earlier,” Ned muses, looking Tim up and down. The doctor slides the plate he’s been filling under the battered metal dome covering the spit. “You go on with helpin’ Miss Patty and I’ll bring somethin’ for you. Sorry I forgot ‘em.”

“Thanks,” Tim stammers as Ned turns away. 

He goes through the motions of helping Doctor Tannis, trying to ignore the aura of hostility emanating from Zed while he does so, then retrieves his own plate and settles into place as far from the doctors as he can possibly manage.

Maybe he was better off back in Friendship Gulag.

No, that’s not true. Tim _knows_ it’s not, but nothing about his newfound freedom has turned out how he’d dreamed it might be. He’d always imagined Wilhelm coming back for him, and they’d leave Pandora for…anywhere else, really. The reality is that he’s only here because of who he’s managed to make friends with.

He has no real grounds for complaint, but he definitely could do without the looks that Ned’s brothers are directing towards him. Just another thing for him to get used to, Tim thinks. Now that he’s loose on the planet Jack had terrorized for so long, he’s bound to have much more of the same directed his way. 

Ted emerges from the motel tight-lipped and silent, not even bothering to look at Tim on the way past. “He’ll need a check-up,” Ted announces, staring at the fire.

“Why you tellin’ me?” Zed asks. 

“Please.”

A gusty sigh sounds from Tim’s right. “This’s the last damn time, though.”

“I can handle that.”

“Uh huh.”

Zed _harrumphs_ and stands up, making another pained noise as the cartilage in his knees creaks audibly. “I told you that you should have put a pillow under your knees last night,” Tannis declaims, which makes Ted snort.

“Yeah, thanks for that.” Zed moves off towards the motel, stopping to talk with Ned about something before continuing on. Tim quickly looks away as Ned comes closer, holding a bundle of clothing.

“Here y’are,” Ned says, dumping the clothes into Tim’s lap. “Might be too big, so just roll the waistband ‘til we can get you a belt.”

Tim excuses himself to get changed, wondering if he should have just pretended to be comfortable enough to swap clothing in front of them. Will they think he’s a coward for wanting privacy? But no, _Tannis_ had been there and he has a feeling that Zed would have almost certainly murdered him for changing in front of her.

He hurriedly sheds his prison uniform and pulls the cargo pants on first. They’re much too large, but Tim’s able to roll the waistband over as suggested until he’s no longer in danger of losing them after taking more than three steps. The shirt is similarly huge, but it’s so much softer than what he’d been wearing that Tim lifts the hem and rubs the cloth against his face…which brings a whiff of Ned with it.

He has no business breathing in so deeply, but no one else is around to see him do so. Besides, Tim wasn’t born yesterday – he knows that Ned’s offer comes with strings attached and after his experience in Friendship Gulag, Tim realizes that things could be a lot worse. At least _this_ time, Tim actually has a choice…and spending some time in Jakob’s Cove with a big, handsome man is definitely not a hardship.

Maybe it’ll be okay if he smells the shirt just _one_ more time.

Tim emerges to find that everyone’s looking at him again, and he blushes furiously as he sits down. “Lookin’ good, son,” Ned appraises with the barest wink. Zed is coming back out of the motel wearing his customary irritated expression, and brusquely orders Ned out of his seat…which provides his brother with the perfect excuse to move over beside Tim. “What a pain in the ass,” Ned says, shaking his head.

“Everyone can have a bad day once in a while,” Tim says dutifully, even though he’s long past getting tired of Zed’s attitude. It’s not like he’d _wanted_ to come here.

“If you say so. Hey, what did y’all eat in there? ECHO dramas always got prisoners eatin’ fuckin’…_gruel_ or somethin’ like that, but I don’t really believe it.”

Tannis turns to listen, and so does Ted. Zed, of course, rolls his eyes and looks away. “They mostly gave us digistructed protein bars so they wouldn’t have to spend any money on dishes, but sometimes we’d get a bowl of watery…I was never sure what that was.”

“Bet it was gruel,” Ned says wisely.

“You just said you didn’t believe they ate that, an’ now you’re certain that’s what it was,” Ted scoffs. “D’you even know what gruel _is?”_

Tannis chimes in with the ‘official’ definition of the word. “It is a thin liquid food of meal or grains boiled in milk or water.”

“I’m pretty sure they never used milk.”

Ned points at him. “But would you say that’s what you _had?”_

“Well…sure, I guess.”

“Ha! What’d I tell y’all?”

Ted shakes his head. “Oh my god.” Turning to Zed, he reaches out to smack the back of his hand across his brother’s shoulder to gain Zed’s attention. “How long you been fixin’ up the motel? Looks halfway decent.”

“Oh, well…it’s slow goin’ with us based outta Sanctuary these days, but it’s gettin’ there. That back wall’s been a pain in the ass, though…”

The triplets immediately start discussing the repairs, and Tim sighs with relief that he can fade into the background. Tim sees movement from the corner of his eye, and sits up when he notices that Jeffrey Blake has finally emerged from the motel. “Jeff! Hey!” He throws a hand up for a completely unnecessary wave, and yanks it back down again when he realizes how pathetic he must look.

Ted looks over at him, and Zed does as well before continuing the conversation. “I don’t _know_ how much lumber it’d take, though – that entire wall’s fucked t’hell and back.”

“I’m tellin’ you, just use those fabricated panels,” Ned says. “Easier to move.”

“I ain’t pickin’ ‘em just so you have an easier time liftin’, you big wuss bag...”

Tim’s thrilled to see Blake again, and scoots over to make room for his friend. “Timothy,” he’s greeted. “How are you adjusting to freedom?”

“Kinda wish I were back on Elpis,” Tim tells him. “At least there, I knew what to expect. It’s pretty hot out here in the desert, isn’t it?”

“Be thankful you are not wearing wool.” Blake shakes his head when Tim peers at him, wondering what _that’s_ supposed to mean. “Bit of a joke, that’s all. Ah…where did you get _that_, pray tell?” 

Get what? Tim glances down at the tattered Jakob’s shirt. "Oh, these? Ned loaned them to me. He seems really nice; wasn't that nice?"

Blake’s gaze darts over to Ned. "I'm sure there were no ulterior motives at all behind his generosity." 

Tim frowns slightly, playing dumb. "Why would there be? Why aren't you wearing the suit that Ted brought for you? It’s a lot nicer looking than our old prison uniforms.” Not that he’s actually _seen_ it, but anything would be better than what Blake’s wearing.

Blake immediately sits up and looks over at Ted. "I believe that is a question I must ask _him_ to answer. Theodore?" he calls out. All three men look back over at him, and two start laughing. "Is there something that you have perhaps forgotten to give me?"

Ned snickers. "Yeah, Theodore. How 'bout that case of Hodunk Hurps?"

"Goddammit, Ned, shut _up._" Ted kicks at Ned, who leans back to avoid it while laughing with Zed. "You're gonna…_going_ to have to be more specific." 

“My clothing. I’m given to understand that you brought me something to wear,” Blake says calmly, though Tim can see his hands shaking.

Ted looks slightly embarrassed. He should be, Tim thinks to himself. “Oh. That. It’s, uh, it’s…in Fyrestone.”

Blake makes a show of looking around, and Ned leans forward. "Whyn't you ask Patty to bring it? Better yet, just go get it…both of y'all. _Together_."

"Much as I would enjoy doing so, I am afraid that I was recently banned from entering the…town…of Fyrestone," Blake says impatiently. 

“Dammit, Zed, you can’t just ban someone from going in there!”

“Says you."

"Says everybody with a goddamn brain in their head," Ted says sharply. "So you're _mad_ – well, boo-fuckin'-hoo! He ain't the one made the decision to turn your favorite garbage heap into an even bigger mess! That boy Ned's puttin' the moves on ain't had nothin' to do with it either. He was locked up tight in Friendship Gulag when Jack and Wilhelm were carvin' filets outta your girl, and you know it!"

Oh, no. Tim sucks in a shocked breath and he lunges to his feet, scrambling away from the fire as fast as he can. As he slams through the door of the motel, he can hear Ned’s voice raised in anger. More yelling follows, but Tim isn’t intending upon sticking around to listen. He feels like he’s going to be sick – of _course_ Zed’s distaste would have been based around something that awful. No wonder he’d been looked at like he was a monster. Most of the time, he _feels_ like one despite knowing he’s not. He sinks down into a chair and puts his head in his hands. Everything always comes back to him being Jack’s body double. Not only that, but _Wilhelm_ had…he’d….

A soft knock at the door makes his shoulders hunch. “What.”

“Mind if I come in there?” Ned asks, opening the door and walking inside anyway. “Look; he was outta line for sayin’ that.”

“I can’t blame him,” Tim says despondently. “I don’t want to be here, either.”

The other man sits down beside him. “How long you had that face, kid?”

Tim thinks about it, but he’s lost track of time thanks to his extended stay in the Dust. “I don’t even know anymore. Before he got his scar.”

“Huh. That’s a ways back, then. I know a li’l somethin’ about havin’ the same face as someone else – and I’ve shared the damned thing for…well, a _lot_ longer than you’ve had to.”

“That’s not the same _thing_-”

Ned holds a hand up to stop him. “It is _exactly_ the same thing. Folks see this face? First thing they think is, ‘Oh that must be _Zed_.’ Every. Fuckin’. _Time_. They expect him, and it don’t matter what I do or say… even if they _know_ it’s me, it’s still all about Zed. This face, though; it’s still mine an’ I am still _me_.”

“So you’re saying I just have to…live with it?”

“Well…yes _and_ no,” Ned says thoughtfully. “Make a big enough impression, folks’ll think of you first ‘steada Jack.”

“And that really works?”

Ned laughs ruefully, shaking his head. “If you do it right. It kinda backfired when I tried it, so maybe I ain’t the best source of advice.”

Tim leans forward, intrigued despite himself. “What do you mean? What happened?”

“It’s a long story; maybe I’ll tell you all of it if you stick around long enough to hear. The short version is that an experiment went wrong and I made zombies. Then I, uh, figured out how t’do it on purpose….and then I did it on purpose. To the entire town.” Ned sighs and leans back in his chair.

“_Zombies?_ Really?” Tim stares goggle-eyed at the doctor, who shrugs. “Then I guess…_Zed_ is the one who can sympathize with my problem.”

“That’s real funny,” Ned tells him. “Good to see you’re feelin’ better.”

Tim takes a moment to think about it – because he _does_ feel better. “You’re telling me you’re, what? A mad scientist?” He teases, not quite able to believe that he’s doing so.

“Scientist; yes. The ‘mad’ part of that is subjective,” Ned says, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I don’t want nobody to say I didn’t warn you or nothin’.” They smile at each other and Tim wonders just what he’s getting himself into. Whatever it is, it’s bound to be interesting.


	2. Caged Heat!  But Not The Fun Kind!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim tries to adjust to life in Fyrestone, but his peace of mind is jeopardized by someone he’d thought was long gone.

They walk back out to the fire, and Tim is immediately waylaid by Patricia Tannis once more. “I have several questions concerning your hair,” she begins, but is interrupted by the arrival of Ted and Blake. Blake looks a lot better than he had earlier, helped along immeasurably by the change of clothing, and his friend doesn’t protest when Ted leads him to a seat by the fire. Ned greets Blake cheerfully and is asking about the suit when Ted walks up to Tim and shoves a plate of food in Tim’s face. Ted points towards Blake and jerks his chin at the brother closest to him. “Ned. Get your ass over here…”

Tannis frowns at the interruption, but perks up upon noticing Zed coming back from…wherever it is he’d gone. Blake takes the offered plate as Tim sits down next to him. “Timothy-”

“How are you?” Tim says at the same time, then smiles. “No, you go first.”

Blake puts the plate on his knees and tried to stab some of the meat on his fork without spilling everything on his suit. “I must apologize for not being available to you,” Blake begins.

Tim shakes his head. “At least you’re here now. Did they tell you that Ballard almost died? Turns out you got the Shivers from him; once the sores start draining, it’s really contagious…”

“Good Lord. I hadn’t heard a thing about it…though I don’t seem to have been conscious for that long.” Blake pauses to eat and glances up briefly as Zed and Tannis settle into their seats, talking with their heads close together. The other Blancos have disappeared into the motel. “I should warn you about Ned.”

Tim shrugs. “He already told me about the zombies.”

Blake reaches for his bread. “Ah. You can doubtless take care of yourself, but if you are not interested in anything outside warm wishes and the thrill of platonic friendship…it might be best to make that immediately clear. I regret not informing you of the, er, possible setbacks you might encounter,” his friend says apologetically.

I should’ve known,” Tim sighs. “After so long with no real human contact, I guess I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t that bad. I just forgot what a monster Jack was because there was no one to hold that particular mirror up to me.”

“I had thought to ask if you’d like to accompany us back to Helios.”

Tim rocks forward and wraps his arms around himself. “I’ll never go back there, Jeff. I just…I can’t.”

“Elpis, then, perhaps?” Blake suggests. “I could help you relocate.”

“Actually,” Tim says, feeling himself turn red, “I might go to Jakob’s Cove.”

Blake pauses, slapping his chest as if he’s choking on something. "I have never been, myself, but I've heard that it's very…quiet.”

"Quietest neighbors around," Tim jokes. "You look good – that's a nice suit. Have you met her yet?" he motions towards Tannis. "She's something else."

Blake looks over at the couple, who are sitting close together and smiling at something. Despite Zed’s overwhelmingly bad attitude towards just about everything else, he certainly seems to love her. Tim can remember Wilhelm looking at him like that before their lives were turned upside down by Jack. "True. Timothy, do you remember the guard?"

Tim makes a face. "There were lots of the jerks. You'll have to be more specific."

"The one whom Ted hamstrung in front of our cells."

Tim hunches his shoulders. "_That_ one I remember. What about him?"

Blake clears his throat lightly, leaning closer. “He's suspended above a slagpit at present, in a cage."

"He _isn't_," Tim whispers back. "Ted went back to get him?"

Blake murmurs in confirmation. "Mm. Ted thought I might like to take my own vengeance, after…" he trails off, looking suddenly thoughtful. "My shadow can be quite vindictive when the mood strikes him. The thing is, I am not quite sure what to do about it. What would you do, if you'd been the one targeted?"

What _wouldn’t_ he do to that bastard? "I'd pay him back for what he did to me," Tim says darkly. "If I had a shock weapon, I'd go find him right now."

“I think that is something that can, and will, be arranged,” Blake promises, reaching out to pat Tim’s shoulder in an awkward gesture. “I shall return shortly.”

Tim stares into the fire, thoughts of revenge running through his mind. He loses all track of time, caught up the fantasy of doling out some richly deserved payback, but comes back to reality upon hearing some loud yells. Either Ted or Ned (maybe even both) sounds upset, and Tim learns some very interesting new swear words as he shamelessly listens in. Blake comes back out after a while with a Maliwan in his hand, and extends it grip first towards Tim.

Tim smiles a ‘thank you’ and looks back towards the motel. “What’s going _on_ in there?”

“I expect that Colonel Blanco is taking this opportunity to revert back to adolescence,” Blake says, taking a seat and watching Tim inspect the weapon he’s been given. “Timothy…”

Tim lowers the revolver and follows Blake’s gaze over to Doctor Zed, who is staring at him with his hand wrapped around the handle of a huge buzz axe. Tim tries to explain, not that it’s going to do much good. “Oh. No, this isn’t…there’s a Hyperion prison guard in a cage.”

“Is there really.”

Tannis gives herself a shake, abandoning whatever thoughts have claimed her attention before now. “A cage? I propose that we shoot the prisoner immediately and watch the convulsions. Sometimes the muscles lock up so intensely, they are torn from the bone.”

She looks so thrilled at this possibility that Zed’s brow furrows. “Honey, we need t’get you a _hobby_.”

“Don’t be a spoilsport, Zed. I want to go watch.”

Zed sighs and shakes his head in defeat. “Fine, I’ll walk ya over.” He helps her up and shoulders the buzz axe, flexing his fingers around the handle with a pointed look at Tim. “Let’s go see how well you shoot, pretty boy.”

The nickname that Wilhelm had always used for him takes Tim aback, especially since it’s coming from someone like Zed. It’s not as if Zed knows it, though, even if he’s clearly using it in a derogatory way. “Okay, sure.”

They walk off towards the town, with Zed sliding in between Tim and Tannis when she apparently gets too close, and he’s asked to relay background information about the man they’re coming to torment. “He was messing around, and Jeff said something about it. Ever since then, he wouldn’t leave us alone.”

“That him in the cage, there?” Zed asks, pointing.

Tim stops to look, and he can feel anger begin to make his stomach churn. “Yeah,” he says, staring at the guard who’d tormented him with the baton. “Yeah, that’s him.”

“Shoot him,” Tannis cries, actually clapping her hands together in excitement.

Oh, Tim’s _definitely_ going to shoot him…just as soon as he gets close enough so that the guard knows exactly who he is. They walk closer, and Tim can see the guard’s startle reflex upon noticing them. He doesn’t look well at all; he’s been freed of his armor and is covered in dried blood, slag, and something that could very well be his own waste. It’s doubtful that Ted comes over to let him out for bathroom breaks.

“Jack Junior,” the man sneers. “How long do you think-”

Tim lifts the revolver and thumbs back the hammer, firing. The bullet strikes the cage, electrifying it for several seconds. “You _are_ going to actually shoot him in an expendable limb, are you not?” Tannis asks plaintively.

“Take it easy,” Zed begins, but changes his mind when the guard focuses upon Tannis and snarls out a graphic threat. “Get him in the foot, kid.”

Tim aims, and fires. The resultant scream is _much_ louder than the yowl he’d gotten just by shooting the metal cage. “You seem upset,” Tim says, “But back at the prison it looked like you enjoyed electrocution.” He puts another bullet in the man’s other foot. “I guess it’s different when you’re the one being hurt by it.”

“Fuck you.”

“This’s some salty language y’all got goin’ on,” Zed puts in cheerfully. “My ears are just burnin’ up.”

“It is quite appalling,” Tannis agrees. “Can I borrow the gun? I would like to shoot him.”

“Now, hon, nobody said you’d get a turn.”

“He is corrupting the as-yet-unformed ears of our unborn child, Zed. Timothy, I will let you choose the name for our baby if you simply allow me-”

“_No_, Patricia!”

Tim can’t help it – he has to laugh. “You can shoot him, it’s okay.”

“No, don’t shoot me again,” the guard begs.

“Shut _up_,” Tim says, furious all over again. How many times had he, or any of the other prisoners in Friendship Gulag, begged for the guards to leave them alone only to have their pleas ignored? “You _tortured_ me. You were going to _kill_ me, and then you were going to do the same to-” he jerks the gun up and empties the rest of the round into the guard’s legs.

He keeps squeezing the trigger until he finally realizes that he’s out of ammo, and Tim’s hands are shaking as Zed approaches and takes possession of the gun. “C’mon, son. Let’s get you away from here,” the doctor says gently, placing a hand on Tim’s shoulder and guiding him back to where Tannis is sitting on a section of drainage pipe.

“He wouldn’t leave us alone,” Tim repeats dully.

“That kind never does take no for an answer.”

“Sorry I went through all the bullets. I know I told her she could shoot him.”

Zed’s hand is still resting on his shoulder, a comforting weight. “You let me worry about her, uh… what _is_ your name, again?”

“Uh. Tim. Timothy Lawrence.”

“Take a seat, Tim Timothy Lawrence… oh, look who’s come to sweep you off your feet,” Zed comments, jerking his head towards the old Fast Travel.

Tim turns to see Ned walking along the path and is surprised how much better he feels. “How many zombies did he make in Jakob’s Cove, anyway?”

“Give or take…the whole damn town.”

“He told me, but I didn’t really think – the entire thing?”

“Yup,” Zed confirms, still watching Ned approach. 

Patricia clears her throat. “Tell him about the wereskags!”

“The, uh, the _what_ now?”

Zed rolls his eyes. “Let’s just say that when Ned decides to be a dumbass, he comes out with both barrels blazin’.” He raises his voice abruptly. “Hey, Ned! You got any ammo on you?”

Ned saunters up to them, looking like the last person you’d expect to create his own undead horde. “Ammo? What for?”

“Timothy ran out, and I still want to shoot a certain someone,” Patricia answers for them all. “Do you have anything I could use?”

“What, you think I just walk around with spare ammunition in my pockets?” Ned asks.

“Yes.”

He shoves a hand in his pocket, assuming a thoughtful expression as he searches, and then pulls his hand back out. “Uh…I got some lint, a stick of gum I _know_ you ain’t gonna want, three bullets, some wire…”

Zed rubs at his temples. “You put three bullets in your front pocket?”

“So?”

“_So_, you were sittin’ next to the freakin’ _fire!”_

Tim tries to head off another argument at the pass. “What kind of bullets are they?” He shortly discovers that they’re from a sniper rifle, of all things.

“The fuck’re you doin’ with a _sniper rifle_.”

“Y’all know I gotta clean up. Some of those zombies can haul some serious ass, so the best thing for it is to stay as far away as possible so I don’t get bit,” Ned explains, turning to Tannis. “I got some money in my back pocket and there’s that vendor back aways – lemme get you a round or two; Marcus forgot to jack up the prices in the machine out here ‘cause I told him it was busted.”

The brothers decide to walk back and purchase the ammo, leaving Tim to wait with Tannis. She turns to look at him, and doesn’t blink for a disturbing amount of time. “I have decided that you are acceptable,” Tannis announces. “There will still be questions I require answers to, however, so do not celebrate the fact of your acceptance quite yet.”

Tim scratches at the side of his neck. “Oh. Okay. Um…thank you, Doctor Tannis.”

“As we are now acquaintances, you are permitted to address me as Patricia,” she says, then slides off of the pipe and darts towards the nearest patch of weeds to vomit noisily.

“Whoa, are you okay? Patricia?” Tim asks, looking around in alarm. If Zed returns to see this, he’ll surely blame Tim somehow.

She wipes her mouth and comes back to sit back down as if nothing had happened. “I am told that it will pass eventually.”

“Should I go and get Doctor Zed…?”

“Considering the fact that he is the reason for my illness and time alone shall be the cure for it, I fail to see how he can help me,” Patricia says.

Zed is the reason for her sickness? “What did he do to you? He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Tim asks worriedly.

Patricia stares at him, blinks a few times, and begins to _laugh_. The longer she laughs, the louder it gets, and he looks around helplessly as Zed and Ned return. “What’s goin’ on?” Zed asks.

“He wanted to – ahahahaha – to know what you _did_,” Patricia screams out. “And _then_ he said…he said…hahaha_haaaaaaaaa…!_ Timothy! Tell him!”

Tim swallows nervously as Zed turns to look at him. “I just, she _said_ that you…you…”

Zed immediately adopts a guarded expression. “What’d I do this time.”

“She said you’re the reason she’s sick,” Tim says. He’s not prepared for Zed and Ned to look at each other and then start laughing, too. “Why’s that funny?”

Zed laughs harder, and Ned has to brace himself on a section of fence. “Oh, lord.”

“Why is everyone-”

“Zed knocked her up, is why it’s funny,” Ned explains after he’s had a chance to catch his breath.

Oh.

_Oh_.

Patricia finally surfaces from her hysterics and wipes her eyes. “I have not laughed that hard in years. Thank you for affording me such a high level of amusement,” she says breathlessly. “Zed, he was concerned that you had injured me.”

“Let’s just forget it. Please,” Tim breaks in, so uncomfortable that he’d like to drop right through the ground.

“As I recall,” Patricia continues loudly, “the night of my impregnation was a particularly passionate one-”

Zed scissors his hands vigorously. “_Yeah_, let’s forget it.”

Ned grins. “Let’s hear _more_.”

“I was upside down, nearly hanging off of the bed with my flesh jiggling madly as he-”

“Patricia Louise! You quit that right now,” Zed bellows.

“She’s gotta tell us what you were doin’ to make her jiggle like that,” Ned says. “We’re emotionally invested in this story, now, so let the lady finish.”

Zed’s eyes narrow dangerously. “Ned.”

“She clearly let _you_ finish,” Ned baits him.

Patricia lapses into silence as the brothers continue arguing, and Tim is surprised to see the calculating smile on her face. She notices him watching…and _winks_. “You should have no further need to be worried about Zed’s attitude towards you,” Patricia says.

Tim thinks he’s going to like her.


	3. Shock Weapons and Popcorn ASMR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim faces his biggest challenge yet: tall tales, skag rides, and one seriously horny mad scientist.

Ned stays back to talk with him as the couple goes back to utilize the newly purchased ammunition, and they listen to the popping sounds echo through Fyrestone. “Surprised you didn’t wanna go back and shoot him again,” Ned comments.

“I’ve done enough, I think.” Tim closes his eyes and tips his head back, listening to the wind move through all the scrap metal on the ground. “I’ve killed my fair share of people while I was on Elpis, but always after they tried to kill me first.”

“Did you _wanna_ kill that dude?” Ned asks. “Nobody’d blame you. Or even care, really.”

Tim opens his eyes and looks over. “That’s the problem. I _didn’t_ want him to die; I wanted him to _suffer_. Maybe I’m…Ned, what if I _am_ just like Jack?”

“You ain’t nothin’ like that,” Ned says, like he doesn’t even need time to stop and think about it.

“You just met me. How could you possibly know?”

Ned smiles. “I know ‘cause if you _were_, we wouldn’t be sittin’ here talkin’ about it.”

“Zed had to take the gun from me,” Tim confesses in a low voice, examining his knees.

“For all we fuss and pick at each other, you could do a lot worse than have Zed lookin’ out for you,” Ned says slowly. “A lot worse.”

They both lapse into a thoughtful silence, which lasts until Zed and Patricia return with Blake’s gun. Well, it’s probably Ted’s gun. Zed tosses it to Tim, who tucks it in the waistband of the borrowed pants before Zed shakes his head. “First Ned with the bullets in his pockets, and now you. Get that outta there.”

Patricia leans against Zed’s side, looking over at Ned. “We brought popcorn from Sanctuary.”

“Maybe I brought some bacon, you pain in the ass,” Ned responds cheerfully. “I’ll cook it right under your window so you can get a good whiff.”

“That is an uncalled-for threat,” Patricia fires back. “Perhaps _I_ shall wait until you are otherwise occupied before plugging in the popcorn maker. I’m told certain sounds can produce intense feelings of relaxation.”

“That ain’t a sound anyone could relax to; it drives me up the goddamn wall-”

Zed interrupts to suggest that they return to the motel, and the other two continue arguing about popcorn and bacon the whole way back.

Blake and Ted are laughing at something as Tim’s group joins them around the fire. Blake seems relaxed and happy, and Tim smiles at his friend. He’s glad that the prison hasn’t crushed Blake’s spirit. "How much skag we got left? We might need to bag another one for dinner," Zed says. "And since we gotta go out there anyway…I figure we can have us an _initiation_."

The three brothers look over at Blake, who sits up straight in alarm. "I beg your pardon?"

"You ever ride a skag before, Blake?" Zed asks. Both Ted and Ned start snickering. "Probably easier'n stayin' atop Ted, and makes a lot less _noise_, so you'll do just fine." 

Ted stops laughing. "_Hey_."

The next few minutes are full of conflicting advice and high-spirited jokes. None of the jokes are made by Tim, and Blake doesn’t seem that thrilled either. “Has Doctor Tannis been initiated in a similar manner?” His friend demands.

“Don’t you go worryin’ about her, Company Man – just get your ass out there an’ make our Ted proud,” Zed says encouragingly. “’Course if it makes ya feel any better, we can see if Lawrence here wants to give it a go. How ‘bout it, kid?”

What? Tim starts in surprise. “Me? Oh, I don’t…well, I mean…” he sneaks a glance at Ned. “I mean, I _guess_ I could try; they don't look any worse than kraggons. You won’t let me get eaten or anything, right?”

“Not by the skags,” Ted says in a stage whisper that makes Tim’s face redden.

Blake sighs heavily and begins to remove his suit jacket, but Zed stops him with a surprised laugh. "Damn, you were really gonna do it!"

Blake glares over at Ted, who's trying to fight off a smile and losing. "Is there anyone in your family who _isn't_ committed to making me look as foolish as possible?" He ignores Ned's raised hand. "All of you clearly doubt my aptitude at this, and I shall prove you wrong. How long am I supposed to stay on the thing?"

The brothers gather together and discuss it, then announce that Blake has to stay on for eight seconds. "It ain't real fair you gotta do it without actually seein' it done first, though, so I'll show ya the ropes," Ned volunteers, looking over at Tim and then flipping off Ted when it’s suggested that Ned will be choosing a skag pup for the demonstration. 

They all watch Ned hop over one of the barricades and walk towards a skag that’s snuffling a trash heap. Tim listens with half an ear as Ted explains what’s happening to Blake – apparently there’s a soft spot under each spike that can be used as a handhold…and once you use it as such, the skag will try to bite because it’s a very sensitive area.

Ned slowly makes his way over behind the skag and, once its head lowers for another whiff of eau-de-garbage, Ned breaks into a run and vaults astride. The skag roars and shakes its head, trying to turn around to bite Ned. Tim watches breathlessly as Ned avoids having his leg torn open, forcing the skag into an agitated trot.

“Junior,” Ted calls to Tim, “Go on an’ see if you can’t round up one of your own. Sticks here’ll take Ned’s skag for a test drive when he gets it over closer.”

Tim nods, still watching Ned closely. “It doesn’t look that hard. I can do that.” He _will_ do that.

“Eight seconds,” Blake confirms, looking as if this whole thing is no big deal.

“Combined,” Zed says suddenly, still watching Ned. “You’re on for four seconds an’ Lawrence takes the rest.”

Tim sees Ted move up behind Blake and lean forward, and he’s pretty sure he’s not meant to hear what’s being whispered into Blake’s ear. “When, precisely, should I…?”

“Soon’s he jumps off, you get on there,” Zed says, glancing down at Patricia who is practically jumping up and down in excitement. “Get ready, Blake.”

Ned steers his captured skag over close to them and yells over at Blake. “I’m gonna bring it around.”

It’s now or never, Tim decides, jumping over the rocks and creeping up on another skag who’s wandered away from the rest. He’s not sure why this one hasn’t been paying attention to what’s been going on, but it’s working out in his favor so he won’t complain.

Tim sneaks closer and, taking a deep breath, dives forward and jams his hands beneath the spikes. He curls his fingers around the ridges and clamps his knees around the skag’s body, forcing the animal’s head away from his legs when it turns to bite him. The thing tries to run off, but sheer determination on Tim’s part makes it turn in several tight circles as Tim counts out the time in his head. _One one-thousand, two one-thousand…_

He can hear Ned calling to him while the others seem to be captivated by Blake’s performance, so Tim spurs his mount over to the rocky barricade. “Time’s up, get on over here,” Ned says. “You’ve gotta _see_ this!”

Tim turns the skag into more circles in an attempt to confuse it, then jumps off and runs for the safety of the barricade. Ned’s there with an outstretched hand to help him up, and the skag looses a disappointed roar upon realizing payback is not going to happen. “How’d I do? Is Jeff okay?”

Ned throws an arm around his shoulders. “You did great for your first time, kid,” Ned tells him, and Tim flushes at the warmth in the other man’s voice. “Look over there, though.”

He looks and can’t believe his eyes. Blake is hunched over atop a skag who is trying desperately to free itself from its unwanted passenger…and Ted is close behind them both. As he watches, the skag veers sharply and heads straight through the main gate of Fyrestone. Zed swears angrily and raises his voice to a bellow. “_No!_”

It has to be the funniest thing Tim has ever seen in his entire life. Blake’s skag starts sliding through a slag puddle, gets turned around completely, and its claws churn wildly as it tries to gain purchase on solid ground. Then they go flying past the bounty board, still followed by Ted whose exasperated expression is visible all the way from where Tim’s watching, and they circle around the graves at least three times. Ned is laughing so hard he’s actually crying, and Zed has doubled over to slap at his legs. Patricia is giving a running commentary on the action into her ECHO device. Tim’s ribs ache from laughing, but he tries to calm down so as not to embarrass his friend.

The skag finally heads back towards them, and Ted outdistances it to slide in front of them with his sword held out. The creature dies instantly as it impales itself upon the red plasma blade, and Blake topples off. Ted is there to help him stand, and the two talk quietly for a moment before Blake looks over at Tim. “I must have looked absolutely ridiculous.” 

They walk closer, and Ted motions towards the motel. “Nah, you did good. Now it’s over with though, I _do_ gotta admit that it was funny as hell...thought Zed was gonna have a stroke when you rode into Fyrestone like that,” Ted snorts. “Y’all just took off like nothin’ I've ever _seen._”

Ned nudges Tim. “Let’s go get that skag moved, an’ bag us another.”

“Okay, sure.”

Zed joins them, tossing a gun towards Tim. “Medium size one’d be best. Shoot it in the ass; bullets cause too much damage to the meat if you get it in the mouth.”

Tim dutifully picks off a skag as requested and shifts from foot to foot, waiting for Zed to complain about his use of two bullets instead of one, but the doctor simply nods and holds out a hand for the repeater. Ned and Tim each grab a leg and drag the carcass back around by the motel, beneath the shadow of the Information Stockade. Ned sends him over to Blake upon seeing Tim’s face when Zed grabs a buzz axe and turns towards one of the skags. Ted passes him on the way to help, and snorts. Patricia is watching the proceedings with great interest.

“Well…we made it,” Tim says.

“So it appears,” Blake replies. “How did you do? I’m afraid I was a bit too busy to actually watch.”

Tim swallows a hysterical laugh, trying to turn the sound into a cough. “I, uh. I did okay.”

Patricia comes over, planting herself directly in front of Blake and staring at him. “Your performance was tremendously entertaining. I do not think I’ve laughed so hard in years.”

“I am glad to have been of service,” Blake says politely, and Tim continues to find it hard to breathe properly. “I’m sure a glass of water would help with your _cough_, Timothy.”

“Sorry…”

Blake sits down after donning his jacket and turns to watch the butchery taking place far too close for Tim’s comfort. Patricia opens her mouth to speak, but then her hands fly to her mouth and she pivots to walk towards the nearest patch of weeds. “I’ll go help take care of the mess,” Tim decides aloud, and wins a smile from Ned as he walks over to help drag what’s left of the skags back to the den. “I guess I should get used to it, huh?”

“It’s a useful skill to know, but you don’t gotta if you’d rather not,” Ned says, grunting as he heaves the carcasses as far as he can. “That’s close enough. Once they smell that, they’ll come rushin’ out.”

Tim falls into step with the other man, trying not to think of how handsome he looks with his hair rumpled and his strong arms stained red with blood. “Surely there’s, uh, _some_ way I could help out.”

Too late, he realizes how that sounds, and Ned has a gleam in his eye. “Oh, I could think of lots of ways you could help.”

“Really? Like what?” Tim demands, refusing to be embarrassed by the teasing.

Ned turns towards him so quickly that Tim doesn’t have the chance to step aside – he just crashes into Ned’s chest and is forced to grab hold for balance. “Why, Mister _Lawrence_. All I meant was that we still gotta process the meat and get it ready to cook; what’d _you_ think I was gonna say?” Ned purrs, and it’s most definitely a _purr_ \- this close, Tim can feel the vibration of the words through Ned’s chest.

It’s been a long, long time since Tim has found himself in a position like this. Not the position of being flirted with, exactly, since there’ve been several Hyperion guards who’d tried their luck and he’d been forced into countless encounters he didn’t want because it hadn’t been safe for him to say no. The position of actually wanting to say _yes_. “I’ve only known you for a day and a half,” Tim says. “You could have meant anything.”

Light green eyes study him carefully. “That’s true.”

“But you and I both know that you were hinting at sex.” Tim smiles and pats Ned’s disturbingly broad, powerful chest as if he couldn’t care less. “It’s going to take more than _that_.” With this, he pushes himself upright and turns to walk back to help process the meat. Ned follows _much_ more slowly.

Tim learns the best way to cut meat off of the bones, and how to boil the rest in a stockpot for soup that can be another day’s meal. He also learns which spices to use, and watches Zed demonstrate how to wrap up the meat for roasting. “Now, I ain’t sure what animals y’all got down in Jakob’s Cove so I can’t say that you can use this method all the time – but it’s pretty much universal. Rakk is gonna take more time ‘cause it’s so damn stringy. Ned’ll know for sure what to hunt,” Zed explains. “But if he says scythid is the only option, you tell him ‘no thanks’ and swear you won’t put out for a month. That’ll fix him good.”

“Oh, uh…okay, I guess?”

“You use that on your girl?” Ted asks, wiping off the spice containers and gathering them together to take back inside.

Zed laughs. “All I’m gonna say is that I know it works from personal experience, and we’ll leave it there.”

“Something tells me if I try that with Blake, he won’t care one bit.”

“He probably wouldn’t.”

“You might be surprised,” Tim volunteers, flushing when they both turn to look at him. “What? You might be, is all I’m saying.”

Zed announces that only time will tell, and that Ted had better _not_ tell because Zed doesn’t want to hear it. “C’mon, let’s go get the fire goin’ again. Brought your fancy swords, Slappy?”

“Why do you call him that?” Tim asks despite knowing he shouldn’t, but stands his ground when Ted stares at him. “Do you slap people before you kill them, or something?”

“Or something,” Ted finally replies, when it becomes clear that Zed’s not going to let him off the hook and Tim is still waiting for an answer. “Mind your own business, Junior.”

Tim frowns at the nickname and follows them out to the fire pit. 

Ned beckons Tim over to sit beside him, and Tim can clearly see the craftiness in Ned’s eyes. That’s okay, though, because Tim can deal with ‘crafty’… he’s already decided that he’d like to see what sex with Ned might be like. What _isn’t_ really okay is the implication that he’ll have to allow Ned access to his body in order to have a place to stay, but Tim plans to get that cleared up as soon as possible. If push comes to shove, Zed might let him stay in Fyrestone in exchange for manual labor.

“Miss me?” Ned asks, leaning forward slightly.

“I counted the hours,” Tim replies, waiting for him to point out that they’d only been separated for less than thirty minutes. He gets a wide smile instead, and a slight encroachment upon his personal space.

“What can I say? I got that effect on some folks.” Ned winks at him and moves a little closer.

The fire is fed until the heat is almost unbearable, but Tim loves it – he’s finally done with needing to huddle under a thin blanket for warmth in the cold desert nights. They all take turns telling tall tales, and Ted goes first. Tim’s not too sure that Ted’s ever killed a Vault monster by himself, especially while blindfolded, but it’s a good story. Zed swears that he’s been adopted by varkids at some point in his life, and Ned clears his throat. “Look, I know y’all think I was lyin’ about the sand pirate thing, but I was the personal sex toy of none other than Captain Scarlett,” he says.

Zed snorts so loudly, Patricia jumps in alarm. “You were _not_. At least keep it _halfway_ believable.”

“What’s a Captain Scarlett?” Ted wonders.

Patricia gasps. “You do not know? She is the most beautiful creature ever to grace the sands of _Oasis_.” They’re all treated to a listing of the captain’s numerous charms, and Tim catches Blake’s eye during the extensive description of Scarlett’s chest. “I happen to have this calendar, so that you can see I am correct in my opinions,” Patricia continues, pulling a pinup calendar out of thin air and opening it so that they can all see.

Blake and Tim look at each other again, both desperately trying not to laugh. Does she keep the calendar tucked inside the back of her jacket? Ted leans forward and squints at it. “Well, she _does_ only got one eye…maybe the sand was blowin’ in the other one so she couldn’t see Ned that well. You kept your clothes on, right?”

“Fuck all of y’all,” Ned announces, making his brothers laugh.

Tim steps in with a story about delivering a pair of Moon Threshers to Sir Hammerlock, though he stutters to a halt when he sees that he’s once again incurred Zed’s wrath. He’d thought things had been going well, but now he’s messed it up. “So it’s _your_ fault,” Zed breathes furiously.

_Oh, no_. “W-well, not _really_. I mean, I was with a _group_ and we _all_ kinda played a part in…uh. That.”

“Then you’d best give out some names, son, ‘cause it looks like-”

“_Like_ you could use a drink,” Ned interrupts. “Lord knows I sure could. C’mon, Tim, you can help me bring out the booze.”

Saved. Thank god.

Tim leaps to his feet and follows Ned. “Is there anything that _doesn’t_ piss him off?”

“Gettin’ sucked off, probably, but Patty’d take it amiss if you offered it to him,” Ned laughs. “Don’t let him bother you; he’s always been like that.” They walk through the short hallway and into one of the storage rooms, and Tim hops up onto a crate while Ned starts looking through boxes. “Let’s see…I know it’s around here somewhere; I can practically smell it…”

“I’ll bet it’s nice getting to see Ted again,” Tim says, watching Ned pull a stack of boxes out from under a shelf and begin opening them.

Ned shrugs and sticks an arm into one of the boxes at random. “Well, it is. Kinda wish he hadn’t kidnapped Patty as a way to announce that he was back, though. Had us freakin’ out and all, thinkin’ she might be dead.”

Oh. “He just wanted to get Jeff back. Not that it’s an excuse, but…maybe he was desperate.”

“I guess,” Ned says, looking skeptical. “Hang on a sec. Move your feet.” When Tim does as requested, Ned sighs and motions him off the crate. “You were sittin’ on it the whole time!”

“Sorry,” Tim says, hopping down. “I should’ve read the side first.”

Ned opens the crate and starts passing him a few bottles, then pauses to twist the cap off of one. Tim’s taken aback as Ned tips it back and drains nearly half the bottle before offering it to him. “Want some? It ain’t bad.”

“That’s probably not a good idea,” Tim says, and Ned gives another shrug before drinking the rest of it. “What, um, what _is_ that?”

“Nothin’ special. I’ve gotten a better buzz from water,” Ned replies. “Okay, I think two more bottles should do it.”

Tim wonders who is going to be doing most of the drinking – surely they’re not going to go through six bottles if there’s only five people. Of course Patricia won’t be indulging (hopefully) since she’s pregnant, and Tim’s definitely not going to go through an entire bottle by himself. He doesn’t really think Blake or Zed will, either.

They carry the bottles out and Ted reaches out to snag one as Tim walks past, turning to Blake with a low-voiced comment that makes the other man smile and lean closer. Zed claims another long enough to pour some into the mug he’s holding, then passes it back. Patricia gives her lover’s coffee an experimental sniff, then bolts into the shadows to vomit.

The food is just as delicious as it had been earlier, and there’s more bread – Tim can’t remember the last time he’d gotten to eat any, especially _fresh_. When he mentions this, Ned’s eyes widen slightly. “For real? It’s dead easy to make – I’ll show you how, if you want.”

“I was never any good at cooking anything,” Tim says.

“Course you weren’t, if that’s the attitude you got,” Ned snorts. “When I say it’s easy, believe me ‘cause I’m just about the laziest man on the damn planet. It only took me, like, an hour or somethin’ to make all those loaves over there.”

“_You_ made this? It’s so good,” Tim says, then hunches his shoulders as he realizes how he must sound. “I mean, not that I’m surprised that you can make good bread…it’s just…”

Ned smiles and reaches for a bottle of liquor. “I know I don’t look the type to be all domestic an’ shit, but I like bakin’ stuff. Our parents made sure we knew how to take care of ourselves, so each of us can do a bit of everything…’sides, it’s science you can _eat_. How could you not wanna learn that?” He unscrews the cap and drains the entire bottle as if there’s nothing inside it but water.

Tim’s seen his own mother do something very much like that, and he immediately tries to make excuses for why it’s not the same thing. It must have been difficult, breaking into Friendship Gulag like that. Maybe it’s just nerves – Tim had seen how quiet Ned had become when Tim had called him on the flirtation earlier, after all. Maybe that’s just what Pandorans…do.

Except Zed isn’t doing it, and neither is Ted – after a single swallow of the alcohol, Ted had made a face and screwed the cap right back on before snagging a can of rakk ale instead. Zed’s even set his spiked coffee aside in deference to Patricia, who clearly can’t abide the smell of it. 

Tim wonders if he should say something because it really isn’t his business, even while Ned is working his way through a second bottle. Well, third if he counts that bottle back in the motel. “Is…is it really that good?” he finally ventures.

“What, this? Not really.”

“Then why drink it at all?”

Ned shrugs and tosses the empty bottle into the crate they’re using as a trash bin. “‘Cause it’s the only thing I got. Y’know, you could have some if you want – thought I made that clear, but maybe I didn’t.”

“Maybe later,” Tim lies with a smile. “So, uh, what was it like growing up here in Fyrestone?” On the other side of the fire, he can see Blake falling asleep on Ted’s shoulder and watches surreptitiously as Ted puts an arm around his friend and leans in close.

“Crowded,” Ned replies, looking up when Ted and Blake start making their way into the motel. “Huh.”

Tim gives Blake a half wave as Zed glances over. “Keep it down,” Zed tells them, turning back to Patricia.

“So anyways, it was crowded,” Ned continues. “Zed’s clinic in town was where we grew up. During the day we’d have our crap stuck into the living unit an’ then when Paw was finished up, we’d move our beds back in there so he and Momma could have their space.”

“It must’ve looked a lot different then.” It’s hard to imagine this run-down place having more than ten people in it at once.

“Well, sure it did. This was way back ‘fore Dahl got wind of the eridium, but we’d have settlers comin’ in to try their luck at mining. They’d roll up here and stay awhile to get their gear ready; Fyrestone was pretty much a required stop for folks who needed provisions, guides; that sorta thing,” Ned says, leaning back to stretch. The movement causes the hem of Ned’s shirt to ride up, exposing a section of tanned skin that Tim can’t help staring at.

Ned empties a third (fourth?) bottle of liquor in record time, closely followed by another one, and Zed finally intervenes when he hears the crack of another seal being broken. “That’s enough,” Zed says quietly, snatching the bottle away. “Didn’t drag you outta that sawmill for this.”

“You forgot Dividing Faults,” Ned snaps. 

“I could mention it if you want, but somethin’ tells me you’d rather I didn’t. Want some coffee?”

“Yeah, gimme some of yours.”

“Nice try, wino.” Zed claps Ned on the shoulder and looks at Tim, who’s pretending to inspect his shoes. “You mind bringin’ out a few cups, kid? I’d send this one in, but he’d probably break up whatever’s goin’ on with Ted an’ his…hey. Ned. Don’t Blake remind you of those teachin’ aides? The skeletons?”

Ned’s bad mood evaporates almost instantly. “Ha! Yeah, what’re them things called? Mister…somethin’?”

“Mister Bones,” Patricia says, and even Tim has to laugh.

“Coffee’s in the kitchen, right?” he asks, and walks inside. Tim can still hear the murmur of voices by the fire, as well as the radio that nobody’s actually listening to, but as the door closes behind him he becomes aware of some _other_ sounds as well.

He knows he shouldn’t – he _really_ shouldn’t – but something draws him closer to the locked door of Ted and Blake’s room. Tim’s face burns upon hearing some impassioned moaning, and then his friend says something that has Tim immediately moving away from their door. “_Look at you. The great Colonel Blanco, moaning like a back alley **slut**.” _

Tim’s preconceived notions about the Atlas assassin duly turned on their head, it’s time to actually do what he’s come into the motel for. He grabs the two cleanest-looking mugs and fills them with coffee, dumping something that he fervently hopes is cream into both and adding some sweetener. As he heads back into the hall, Tim can clearly hear the rhythmic creak of furniture and he walks as fast as he can back outside.

“Everything okay?” Ned asks. “Hear anything interesting in there?”

“Oh, god,” Tim says. “I didn’t _mean_ to listen-”

“Don’t worry, Lawrence. Ted’s always been a howler,” Zed says dismissively. “Just keep your head down, don’t look him in the eye in the mornin’.” He gets up from his seat and takes the mugs from Tim’s hands, passing one to Ned and giving the other back as soon as Tim sits down. “We’ll stay out a bit longer so they can get…whatever it is…outta their systems. Where you from, anyways? How’d you get the body double gig?”

Tim clears his throat, glancing around at his companions self-consciously before taking a sip of his coffee. “Well, it’s a long story…”

Patricia sighs and cuddles up to Zed, who wraps his arms around her. “I enjoy those the most.”

He tells them – briefly – of the planet he’d grown up on, and spends more time describing the advertisement he’d found concerning Jack. They’re all curious about the surgery, so he tells them as much as he can actually remember…he was constantly fading in and out of consciousness during the procedure itself. “I thought it was going to be easy, and I was in so much debt that there really wasn’t another choice for me.”

Patricia has several more questions that he tries his best to answer, then Zed leans forward to add more wood to the fire. “Listen, I know you an’ Ned’ll be headin’ out to Jakob’s Cove soon but I was hopin’ y’all could stay a few days to help with the motel.”

Zed actually seems like he’s _asking_, and Tim looks over at Ned questioningly. The other man nods slightly, and Tim turns back. “To be honest, I think I’d like being able to help build something instead of destroying it…so, I guess I’m in.”

“Appreciate it,” Zed says. “‘Course this means Ned’s gonna need to actually put some effort in if he wants to impress you.”

Ned lowers his coffee mug. “Fuck off.”

“Speaking of that, I propose that it is time we retire for the evening,” Patricia yawns. “Please keep the audio level of any upcoming anal sex to a tolerable level – I require uninterrupted sleep.”

Tim inhales his coffee, spluttering in shock, while Ned leans back in his seat and laughs. “You got it, Patty Cake. Just as long as you remember to bite the pillow when Minute Man here gets his motor runnin’.”

“Oh man. You _hear_ that, Lawrence?” Zed cocks his head to the side and curls his hand around the back of his ear. “That’s the sound of pure jealousy waftin’ on the wind.” He reaches over to pat his brother’s shoulder and stands up. “See ya tomorrow, chump.”

Ned finishes his coffee and sticks the mug beneath his chair, looking over at Tim. “Think I got some ear plugs in my room – lemme know if you want any.”

“Earplugs?”

“Either/or, pretty boy. Here’s where I’d take a slow sip of my coffee, if I hadn’t finished it just now, and look at you over the rim. Just pretend that’s what I’m doin,’” Ned yawns. “You sure you’re okay with helpin’ Zed? It’s fine if you’d rather not; I can say that I got called back to Jakob’s Cove.”

Tim wonders who’s left to call Ned back, but decides not to ask in case he won’t like the answer. He has a feeling that he’ll be deciding not to ask a lot of questions. “Thanks, but I really would like to help out. Like you said, find something else to be remembered for…right?”

“Long as that don’t mean we remember you for bein’ squished by sheet rock, I guess it’s fine. I’m serious about those earplugs, though – Zed can get that girl all kinds of riled up.”

“So you _are_ jealous,” Tim teases.

“You’d be, too, if everyone else was gettin’ some and the only thing t’do is get drunk enough to ignore it. Well, that or… you know. But that’s weird. _Man_, I gotta pee.” Ned gets up, only staggering a little bit, and Tim hurriedly averts his eyes as the other man unzips right then and there to piss on the fire. 

They cover the fire pit with several sheets of metal to keep any stray sparks from blowing out and starting a fire in the middle of the night, and then Tim follows Ned into the motel. 

To his relief, there doesn’t seem to be any more noises coming from Blake and Ted’s room. Not to say that there isn’t plenty of activity happening inside it…and now Tim’s just reminded himself of what he’d eavesdropped on. “Uhhh.” He stops and claps his hands over his eyes, even though that wasn’t one of the senses abused by his lethal dose of curiosity.

Ned casts an amused glance over his shoulder. “Try not to think about it.”

“Believe me; I’m _trying_.”

They pass another set of doors, and Patricia’s voice rings out. “Ohhh _Zed_.” Tim freezes in place, horrified. Not _again!_

“You gotta be freaking kidding me,” Ned hisses. “They only been in there for five minutes!”

The door opens and Zed sticks his head out with an evil grin. “Hear anything interesting?”

“Go to bed, ya damn freak. Serve your ass right if we fuck off to Jakob’s Cove first thing in the mornin’,” Ned threatens his brother.

“Heh heh. Make sure t’get this kid some earplugs so he don’t have to listen to you beatin’ it.” Zed disappears back into the room and they hear Patricia laughing as soon as the door closes.

“What a prick.” Ned rolls his eyes and jerks his chin towards the end of the hall. “Come on.”

Tim gets the promised ear plugs and barricades himself inside his room before he can do anything stupid, like go back out there and knock on Ned’s door.


	4. Grave Times in Jakobs Cove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ned and Tim go to the Cove where Tim learns the true meaning of ‘fast food.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, my dumb ass decided to type Jakobs _and_ Jakob’s. Idk. I’ve gone over the text a few times but I just know I’ve missed a rogue apostrophe - sorry in advance!

In the morning, he wakes early and walks outside to sit by the fire. Zed’s already awake and gestures to the pot of coffee he’s set in the embers. “Breakfast’ll be-” the doctor is interrupted by Patricia, who walks up to them with a peculiar expression on her face. “What’s wrong.”

“The guard we shot at yesterday has died,” she says, and both men relax slightly. At least there isn’t some sort of gibbering bandit army headed their way. “Someone flayed him.”

“Uh. _What?_”

Zed’s eyes cut sideways. “Kid.”

“I didn’t do it,” Tim says defensively. “How could I have… someone just…?”

Ned comes out of the motel to stretch, yawn, and get caught up on all the latest gossip. “Welp. Let’s go take a peek, then.” 

He gestures for Tim to follow him even though Tim would really rather not. Zed meets his pleading gaze with a cocked eyebrow. “Least you didn’t eat breakfast first – nothin’ to lose.”

Patricia elects to accompany them back to the cage so that she can get another look, and they head out. Tim can smell it before he sees it, a thick metallic tang in the air that makes the bile rise up in his throat. “Oh, Jesus. Urrghhh.” He clamps a hand over his mouth and nose as the cage comes into view – there’s blood _everywhere_.

“Damn,” Ned says with an admiring whistle. “The skin’s all in one piece! That musta took some doin’.”

Tim looks, and wishes he hadn’t. He turns away, gagging, as Patricia and Ned approach the cage and begin to discuss the _thing_ inside. Their appraisal is clinical and so impersonal that Tim can’t believe it – the guard looks like a piece of raw meat, and his skin is hanging off to the side like a grotesque suit. Any undigested food in his stomach is promptly deposited on the ground, and Patricia comes over to him. “Ten points from the Dahl judge.”

“Huh?”

“Zed rates my projectile vomiting now, as he’s become quite the expert. I believe he might be impressed with yours.” She looks past him, frowning slightly. “Should you be touching that?”

“Professional curiosity never hurt no one,” Ned says. “Hmm. Hasn’t been dead too long, only an hour or two at the most.”

“Really? He was still alive when his skin was removed? Fascinating,” Patricia says, abandoning Tim to go look.

“Yup. See….here? There, too? Then there’s _these_ marks. InstaHealths; a shitload of ‘em, probably injected slowly so the meds wouldn’t stimulate skin regrowth. Dude was awake the whole time. This was freaking _surgery_.”

Tim’s stomach roils again and he vomits noisily, then staggers away so that he doesn’t have to see, smell, _or_ hear anything. Zed’s waiting for him when Tim gets back to the motel, and hands over a cup of water. “Guess it really wasn’t you, after all.”

“No,” Tim agrees weakly. “Ned says it was surgery.”

Zed’s gaze sharpens. “Did he, now.”

The motel door bangs against the warped siding as Ted comes through it carrying a bag in each hand. “We’ll be leavin’ in a bit. Thanks for the help yesterday.” The assassin walks off in the direction of the Catch-A-Ride, and they silently watch him go.

Ted returns driving a freshly-digistructed Technical, backing it up beside the building before turning off the engine and walking back inside. Tim glances over at Zed to find him favoring his brother with a thoughtful look that clears into indifference when he notices Tim watching him. “I’d wait to eat an hour or so, if I was you.”

Ned comes back thirty minutes later with bloody clothes, trailed by Patricia, and Tim’s waiting time for breakfast lengthens to two hours. “I cleaned it up; now it’s my turn to get cleaned up,” Ned says cheerfully. “Not sure how she managed it, but Patty’s clean as a whistle.”

“I must, however, thoroughly wash my hands. What a fantastic start to a new day!” Patricia gives Zed a kiss and practically floats inside.

Tim walks around the building in search of Blake and finds his friend standing outside the motel, staring at the Technical parked there with a few bags piled in the back. “I guess this is goodbye then, huh?” Tim says, walking up to him.

Blake looks up at Helios. “I suppose that it is. Will you stay here much longer, Timothy?”

Tim shrugs. “Ned’s going to stay for a little while to help fix up the motel so I figure I could help out a little, too. It’ll be good to actually help _make_ something.”

“Mm.”

Tim feels like an asshole for asking, but he needs to do it. “Uh. Jeff? Did you, by any chance…tell…_him_ to…?”

Blake raises his eyebrows. “Did I tell ‘who’ to ‘what,’ exactly?”

Hinting doesn’t accomplish the desired result of truth, so Tim takes a deep breath and just goes for it. He explains about the grisly discovery, and Ned’s report on the findings. “It was like…a suit, or something, all in once piece,” Tim says, pausing to keep from retching at the memory. “Ned took care of everything, but I just wanted to ask if you…?” He trails off and averts his eyes as Ted comes through the door with the final load of luggage.

“Everything okay?” Ted asks, tossing the bags into the truck like he doesn’t have a care in the world.

“It seems that the captured guard from Friendship Gulag was discovered separated from his skin earlier,” Blake says. “Would you happen to know anything about that, Colonel?”

Tim swallows nervously as Ted looks at him with a bowel-loosening stare. Ted finally turns his eyes towards Blake with a smile. “I’m sure the colonel don’t know a damn thing about that, sir. ‘Scuse me.” 

It’s high time he used the bathroom, Tim decides as Ted moves past them. “That was kinda weird. Who else would’ve-”

“Do you have much experience regarding construction, Timothy?” Blake says suddenly. “If I’m not mistaken, you _were_ present during the construction of Helios. That might give you a competitive edge, so to speak.”

“Most of that was done by worker bots – the engineers were all dead by the time I got there. Listen, are you _sure_ he didn’t actually…you know?”

“If Colonel Blanco disavows all knowledge of such a thing, then Colonel Blanco is not responsible for it,” Blake says, which is a weirdly specific way to put it. Tim follows him as he says goodbye to Ned, who gives some appalling advice concerning Ted and slaps Blake’s back so hard that Blake almost falls over. Zed simply nods, and Patricia says that Blake isn’t as bad as his reputation would have it. 

Blake tries to shake Tim’s hand, but Tim gives his friend a hug instead. “Stay safe, Jeff. Thanks for everything.”

“I could say the same for you,” Blake says. “Goodbye, Timothy, and good luck.”

Fyrestone seems even more deserted with two less people inhabiting it.

After a communal meal, the renovations begin. Tim’s not sure what Patricia’s supposed to be doing since she seems to be dealing with vertigo as well as constant nausea, but she’s certainly cheerful enough. They all go up to the overpass, and Tim gets his first real look at the Hyperion Information Stockade. It’s big, ugly, and ultimately underwhelming; when he makes the mistake of saying this aloud, it causes Zed and Ned to have an impromptu wrestling match right there on the floor after Zed coughs pointedly.

They spend the morning ‘liberating’ as many panels as they can remove from the walls of the Stockade. Tim learns that Patricia has been busy inspecting the rooms in need of repair and has detailed measurements so that they won’t have to waste any time figuring out how to make the paneling fit. 

The sun is just as bright in Fyrestone as it was in the Dust, but the heat seems less oppressive when he’s not locked in a cage. Tim throws his head back and his arms out in silent celebration of being free, not caring when the others exchange glances. He doesn’t even mind when Ned throws a pillow at him after lunch and tells him to pick a spot – they might lay down and rest in the heat just like he’d done in prison, but he can choose any place he likes.

Tim wanders around trying to decide while Zed, watching with a bemused expression on his face, sits down close to where Patricia is curled up on a field cot. “Just _pick_ one, kid.”

“I know; I will, it’s just…I never got to choose, before.”

Zed rolls his eyes. “If you never got a sunburn before, neither, then you’d best get your ass to some shade.”

“Leave him alone. Tim? Come up here.” Ned’s voice drifts from the motel and Tim picks his way through the scrap metal. He starts to climb up carefully, using the railing to give himself a boost, but pauses upon noticing that Ned has removed his shirt. It’s a long pause, because there’s a _lot_ to notice. “Someone lugged a loot chest all the way up here, you believe that?”

“Yeah, that’s…um…that’s crazy,” Tim stutters. Ned moves his arm away from his eyes and squints up at Tim, then points to the battered umbrella that’s propped up against the chest. “Oh! Thanks. Yup.”

Ned sighs and covers his eyes with his arm again, relaxing on the blanket. “I could use a drink; I feel like shit.”

Tim clears his throat delicately and decides not to comment, instead choosing to focus on opening the umbrella and clearing a spot to lie down in. All while attempting to ignore how muscular Ned really is beneath the shirt that’s currently draped over the side of the weapons chest. He’s definitely going to ignore the way Ned’s skin is burnished by the sun, _and_ he’s not going to ask where all those scars came from as well as why they all look like the patterns of a circuit board. 

He stretches out on the sun-warmed roof instead, careful to keep under the umbrella. It’s not exactly comfortable, but it’s a lot better than what he’s grown used to. He _does_ risk another long look at Ned, though, as soon as the other man’s breathing deepens into the pattern of sleep.

They spend a total of four days in Fyrestone cutting the panels, fitting them into place, and priming them to be painted. The food is excellent (and abundant), and Tim starts to grow comfortable with his new companions even though Zed and Patricia’s bedroom walls are less insulated than he’d hoped.

_Way_ less insulated.

Ned being Ned, of course he has to comment on it as they’re packing to leave. Well, Ned’s packing – Tim doesn’t have anything but the boots he’d been issued in Friendship Gulag. “It’s annoying as hell, sure, but at the same time…bless ‘em twice, they ain’t gonna have time for that once her day comes. So good for them, I guess.”

“Maybe she’ll have triplets, too,” Tim jokes, lowering his voice so that Zed doesn’t hear and come crashing through the door with his buzz axe at the ready.

“Say that near either of ‘em and you’re good as dead…but between you an’ me? Girl’s carryin’ twins.” Ned finishes zipping up his bag and stands up. “Zed won’t let himself realize it, but you mark my words – there’s two in there.”

Patricia comes wandering in, so Tim has to save his questions for later. They share one last meal together before the other couple walks them to the Fast Travel, and then Ned keys in the coordinates for Jakobs Cove. He goes first, leaving Tim to follow. Zed catches his eye before he reaches out to to select his destination. “Watch yourself, you hear me? Things go south on you, Tricia likes you well enough…you can come on back here.”

“Oh. Thanks, Zed,” Tim says, surprised. “That’s really-”

“Yeah, great; get outta here,” Zed interrupts. Tim smiles and presses ‘Jakobs Cove’ on the destination list.

He’s digistructed onto some sort of pier and one of the first things he notices is how much colder it is here than in Fyrestone. It’s a lot darker, too, and there isn’t a Blanco in sight. “Ned? Are you here?” He calls out, feeling a little foolish – of course Ned’s here.

Footsteps echo in the fog that’s totally not creepy at _all_, and Tim starts to back up when he sees a shape coming towards him, but it resolves into Ned. “Hey, Tim. Sorry, I was just makin’ sure the turrets were still on,” Ned says with a smile. “Quick Change is up and runnin’ too, so let’s get you over there.”

Tim glances down at his latest outfit, more borrowed clothing that’s too big for him. “Sounds good. Oh! Not that I don’t appreciate that you’ve been loaning me stuff-”

“They look better on you, anyhow,” Ned assures him with the slightly flirtatious gleam in his eye that Tim’s gotten used to over the past few days. He’d expected to be constantly badgered after Ned had made his interest plain the first day they’d met, but the doctor has inexplicably backed off. “C’mon.”

Tim follows him along the boardwalk, wondering if he should be worried about loose boards dumping him into the water. “Is it…safe?”

“We’re on Pandora,” is Ned’s reply. “What d’_you_ think?”

That’s a no, then. “I was referring to the boardwalk,” Tim clarifies.

“I went over these boards ‘bout a month ago, so you’re good.” Ned leads him through a building that only seems to hold some wiring and a few lockers that have been knocked over onto their sides. Tim looks around interestedly when they exit, because he can see several automated Gatling turrets with laser sights doing a constant sweep but what he _doesn’t_ see is the reason for them. When he’s asked about it, Ned rubs at the back of his neck and says that he’ll show Tim later.

The village is run-down, and it’s still way too dark, but Tim has a feeling he’ll like it here. They go up to the Quick Change and Tim browses the offerings while Ned leans against a nearby tree (a real _tree!_) to wait. “Just use the employee codes on the side, there; Jakobs never took ‘em out of the system.”

“Isn’t that stealing?”

“Kid, I zombified 97% of the work force and they didn’t give a single fuck. I think you can get away with a few outfits,” Ned says drily.

“If you say it’s okay…” Tim steps into the machine for a measuring scan, and keys in one of the codes. He comes away with a pair of new boots, six shirts, and three pairs of pants. Ned advises him to get a jacket until he gets used to the local temperature – apparently it stays pretty dark and clammy. When Tim turns towards the other man, intending to ask where a good place is to get changed, he sees that Ned’s indolent posture covers the way he’s holding a repeater. “Um.”

Ned straightens with a smile and the gun disappears into his clothing as if he’d never had it to begin with. “All set?”

“Yeah. Should I…should I have a gun, too?”

“Oh, probably. You just got here, though, so let’s hold off on raidin’ the armory ‘til later. For now, these old bones need a rest – lemme show you the infirmary.” He pushes off from the tree and Tim trails after him, wondering at the self-deprecating comment. It’s not the first time he’s heard Ned say something about being old and/or weak – the triplets might be older than he is, but there’s nothing weak about any of them. The memory of how Ned looks shirtless comes to him, and Tim’s glad that the doctor can’t see his sudden blush.

He follows along, staring as much at Ned’s broad shoulders as at the buildings they walk past, but Tim _has_ to stop when he sees something incredible. “Oh my _god_, it’s a Jakobs vending machine! I didn’t even know they existed. Wow…does it still work?”

“I could run some power to it, if you wanted,” Ned offers, coming back to stand beside him.

Tim can’t believe it. An actual _Jakobs vendor_. “Oh, I want. I _really_ want.”

“Then you’ll get it,” Ned says simply.

“Now?”

“Sure.”

Tim barely manages to contain his excitement as Ned drops to a crouch beside the vendor, reaching behind it and fiddling with something so that a hatch on the left side opens to expose the empty fuse slot. Ned gets to his feet again and walks around to the vendor around the corner to borrow the fuse. “I wonder why that one has a fuse and this one doesn’t.”

“Crimson Jackwads came through a few years back an’ fixed it, but used it to kill me so I disabled the bastard,” Ned says, inserting the fuse and closing the machine back up. He kicks the front panel, and the vendor flickers a few times before deciding to power on. “There y’go, kid.”

“Oh, _wow_,” Tim breathes, hurrying forward to check out the offerings.

Ned rolls his eyes. “Vault Hunters.” 

Tim chooses a pistol with gold inlay and shows Ned, who is still amused at Tim’s excitement over the vending machine. They walk down past the gates leading to the waterfront, and Tim admires the Bleeding Heart Infirmary’s sign. “That looks great! I like the heart.”

“Thanks. Oh, uh…we might get dive-bombed in a minute.” Ned starts walking onto the dock, and Tim looks around in alarm when he hears the sounds of flapping wings. “Just keep your head down an’ they’ll go away.”

“They? What are you…ohhh _no_, they have _red eyes_-! Creepy creepy _creepy_,” Tim yells as the first of the rakk-like creatures folds its wings and dives right at him. He throws his hands over his head and flails them around, uncaring of the scene he’s making, until a loud _thwack!_ gets his attention.

He looks up in time to see Ned smacking another of the creatures with a rolled-up magazine. “Fuck on outta here,” Ned threatens, and the last three veer off to sit in the branches of a nearby tree. Tim could swear that they’re glaring at Ned angrily. “I guess it’s been a minute since you opened a Vault, huh,” Ned continues, digging a keyring out of his pocket and sorting through the keys until he finds the one he wants.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Tim says in embarrassment. “I’m not that great with winged…things.”

“You just gotta be firm with ‘em, so they know what to expect-” the sudden rustling sound of wings has Ned turning towards the tree with narrowed eyes. “Just _try_ it, you li’l shits,” Ned hisses, then turns back to insert the key into the door and unlocks it. “So anyways, you can get changed behind one of those curtains if you want.”

Tim’s last view of the creatures is of them shuffling their claws and looking rightfully ashamed of themselves. “Well, that was creepy.”

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” Ned promises him cheerfully, dropping into a chair behind the desk and putting his feet atop a pile of folders. “Might be a good time t’try all that on ‘fore we head out to Hallow’s End – there’s no Quick Change over there.”

“Okay, I can do that…it’ll take a little while, though.” His companion assures him that it’s no big deal, and reaches into one of the desk drawers to withdraw a thick sheaf of papers. Tim leaves Ned to do some reading while he carries his armload behind one of the curtains.

Two of the shirts he’d chosen don’t look that great once they’re actually on, and Tim sets those aside for return. Everything else fits perfectly. He hurries as much as he can, remembering the prison guards who would ‘accidentally’ walk in on him changing his clothes, though Ned makes his continued presence out at the desk exceedingly obvious by way of crumpling paper, loudly turned pages, and two coughing fits. He peers around the curtain in time to see Ned, who is still reading something, reach a hand out to purposefully nudge a book off onto the floor.

Tim sits back and looks down at the pile of clothing, feeling a tightness in his chest that has nothing to do with his new shirt. “Um, Ned?”

“What’s up.”

“Do you think it’d be okay if I went back to swap a few items out?”

“Sure thing,” Ned agrees. “Let me know when you’re ready.”

Ned’s found a bag from one of the cabinets, and they walk back to the Quick Change where Tim feeds the unwanted items back into the machine and picks different styles…and then he quickly selects several pairs of socks and underwear, because he’d completely forgotten to get them earlier. When Tim glances over to make sure Ned’s not watching, he sees the other man puffing out his cheeks and carefully looking everywhere else but at him. “I guess you saw, huh?”

“Saw what?” Ned asks innocently.

“Uh huh. So…where are we going, exactly?”

“Hallow’s End, where I live. It’s pure bayou out there but my place is real nice; think you’ll like it.” Ned frowns slightly. “You ain’t afraid of heights, are ya?”

_YES!_ Tim thinks. “Of course not. I’m a Vault Hunter.”

Ned looks at him, and Tim can see that the corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles. It’s a very nice smile. “Uh huh.”

They return to the Bleeding Heart Infirmary to grab Tim’s new travel bag, and Tim watches Ned open the med vendor to grab two shields and several InstaHealths…and an assault rifle that’s leaning up against one of the gurneys. “Do we really need all this?” Tim asks when Ned passes him one of the shields. It’s too bad they can’t stay here, instead.

“Yup.” Ned locks the place up and turns the sign around so that it says _Back in NEVER Minutes_, then picks up the misshapen copy of GUN HQ that he’d used to hit the flying rakk-things with. “Not too late t’change your mind; only Fast Travel in the Cove is right down that path there.”

Tim lifts his chin stubbornly. “No, let’s do this.” He immediately lowers his chin when he realizes that he’ll need a briefing before he does whatever ‘this’ is. “Erm. What exactly do I need to know…?”

“Well, uh…there’s zombies. Which you know about, but knowin’ and _knowin’_ are two different things. There’s three types. You got your shufflers and then there’s the spewers; those one’s’re freaking gross. They move slow for the most part, but tend to give ‘er some gas when they see somethin’ tasty,” Ned tells him. “When they’re close enough, the bastards let loose and you’d swear you’re at the tail end of a kegger in Old Haven.”

Tim pats at his shield. “This is enough to stop that, though - right? What’s the third type like?”

“Shield’ll work fine ‘til you get the hang of scootin’ out of range. The third type…well, I guess there’s more like _six_ types,” Ned corrects himself, ignoring the look of horror that Tim’s sure to be wearing on his face. “Number threes are a _problem_.”

“Uh…”

Ned continues blithely, “Threes can haul ass like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe they’re stress eaters. I wonder if zombies-? Anyways. One of ‘em sees you, they will chase you _down_; those motherfuckers do like, parkour an’ shit.”

“Oh.” Tim blinks a few times while he digests this bit of information. “They haven’t caught you before?”

“No sir; turns out I can do parkour an’ shit a lot faster.” Ned frowns. “Wait. I mean, I’m faster. I don’t actually _shit_ but the first time one came after me it was a close call in all respects, if you know what I mean. Just, y’know, bring on the murder if one starts gettin’ rowdy.”

Tim nods, trying not to smile. “Got it.”


	5. Three's Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim learns what to expect from his new living situation…mainly that it involves a LOT of cardio.

They walk the path that Ned indicates with the rifle, and of course there’s a long spooky tunnel at the end of it. On the other side, though, is more vegetation than Tim’s seen in about ten years. The humidity takes a sharp turn for the worse, and Tim’s shirt is soon stuck to his back with sweat. Ned, of course, looks completely comfortable. 

The first sounds Tim hears, he’s not fully aware of what exactly it is until Ned sighs irritably and checks the magazine. The one on his rifle, of course, not the evil creature-swatting kind. The noise reminds him of a radio with the volume knob being slowly turned up to full blast, because the groans rise in pitch until it’s all around them. “What the-! Where _are_ they?”

“See, that’s the problem with zombies. One second it’s nothin’ and the next it’s like you’ve been trapped in the middle of the most boring orgy in history,” Ned tells him. “Better to hang back and see where the hell the things are comin’ from...oh, here’s one now.”

Despite being warned about zombies, Tim’s taken aback when he actually sees one. “Oh, my god. It’s a _zombie_.”

“Well it sure as fuck ain’t a chocolate éclair, kid.”

They wait for more to appear (which really means that Ned waits and Tim tries not to wet himself because there’s an undead person shuffling towards them and he’s supposed to just stand there and _wait for more of them_) and then Ned calmly motions for Tim to follow. “A’ight, let’s keep on.”

Tim decides not to say anything, since opening his mouth might release the shrill scream that’s been steadily building right behind his teeth. He limits himself to a brisk nod and sticks close to Ned, who really should be more alarmed at their current circumstances – and moving a lot faster. Is it too late to turn back and hang out at Fyrestone with Zed and Patricia? “Shouldn’t we shoot them?” Tim finally whispers when he thinks he might have his shriek reflex under control.

Ned stops walking and turns to face him. “Nah, it’s all good.”

“Then shouldn’t we, you know, _walk faster?_” Tim hisses, feeling his shoulders creeping up around his ears as the zombies shuffle towards them hopefully.

The other man laughs and pulls the magazine (the porn kind, this time) from his back pocket and uses it to casually smack the closest zombie’s hands away when the thing attempts to reach for him. “You’re a nervous one, ain’t ya?”

“Ned.”

“Oh, all right, keep your shirt on; we’re goin’.” Ned uses GUN HQ to alter the course of another zombie, and resumes walking.

Tim quickly scoots up close behind him again, trying not to dwell on how uncomfortable Ned’s making him and _really_ trying not to get angry about it. It’s a losing battle, though, and he’s completely furious in less than five minutes.

They manage to walk several yards before the next group of zombies close in, probably lured by the siren song of the first group which is still following them, and Ned’s hair has yet to catch on fire as a result of the hard stares Tim is directing toward him. “I guess I shouldn’t worry about these ones, either?”

“You’re soundin’ mighty passive-aggressive there, Mister Lawrence. Just keep goin’ unless you hear one of ‘em cough.”

“Cough? Do you come out here to check for hernias?”

“I think I liked you better when you were shy,” Ned says severely. “Spewers, remember?”

Right, Tim thinks. Now he’s a target of projectile vomit. “Can we walk faster? Are we almost there?”

“Define ‘almost’…”

“Oh my _godddd_,” Tim groans.

“I’m just playin’, it’s right over there,” Ned says, then stops to cock his head to the side. “Oh. Well, that ain’t ideal.”

Tim eyes him warily. “Wh-”

Ned throws the porn magazine onto the ground and gestures to Tim urgently. “It’s parkour time - _go!_”

They go. 

Tim tells himself not to look back at whatever’s chasing them, but then he does it anyway. What he sees is bound to give him nightmares and it’s steadily getting closer. He lets out a yodel of pure terror and outdistances Ned, who has to yell out directions because Tim has no idea where he’s supposed to be going…until he surfaces enough from his blind panic to finally notice the massive treehouse.

Veering off towards it and risking another backwards glance, Tim waits for Ned to draw up beside him. “Cage. Get…in…cage,” Ned pants.

Cage? Why would they get into a cage, Tim wonders until they burst into what appears to be a small yard. There he sees the cage, which appears to be attached to a few cables leading up into the tree. A snarl from behind him gives him the boost of energy he needs to dive into the thing, and Ned flies into it just seconds later. “Close the door, close the _door_…!”

Ned fires his rifle at the zombie, effectively knocking it back just long enough for Tim to pull the ‘door’ down to close up the cage. “Where’s the button?” Tim asks. Number Three hurls itself against the cage hard enough to rattle the entire thing, and tries to reach in towards them.

“It’s got a hand crank,” Ned explains, and Tim casts a quick glance behind himself to see that Ned is definitely fitting a piece of metal into the socket of the operating mechanism. “You might need to kill that thing ‘fore it brings another one over here.” The doctor starts winding the handle, and Tim can hear the gears settle into place before the cage slowly begins to rise.

Tim remembers his new Jakobs pistol and pulls it out, staring at Three. Three stares right back at him, its eyes alight with a worrying amount of cunning, before it suddenly turns and begins to run away. Ned yells that Tim needs to kill it _now_ and Tim thumbs back the hammer as he takes careful aim. The zombie is at the opening of the fenced-in yard when the bullet takes it in the back of the head, and Three drops to the ground. “I thought they were supposed to be mindless.”

“They used t’be,” Ned admits, his breath coming in puffs as he continues to work the crank. “Never remembered this ever bein’ s’damn _heavy_.”

“Can I help with that?”

“No, I got it.”

Tim moves to the front of the cage and peers down at the ex-zombie. “If they’re basically dead and you kill them _again_…does it count as dying?” Ned makes a nonverbal noise that could be anything, really, and Tim finally asks the million credit question. “Why did I get the feeling that this particular zombie was smart?”

“It was,” Ned says shortly. “That one used to be the line manager at the Mill.”

Is he seriously trying to say that upper management makes more efficient zombie material? “Wow.”

“I know, right? The dude was shit at his old job, and now look at him.”

Tim frowns. “You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead; that’s rude. Why was he so terrible at his job, anyway?”

Ned looks up. “He kept leavin’ early.”

“That is _not_ funny.” To emphasize his disapproval, Tim turns his back on Ned…before smiling because it was, too, funny.

The elevator (Tim decides that’s what he’ll call it, because ‘cage’ is just too creepy) finally reaches the top, and Ned messes with the gears to secure the whole thing before pulling the crank handle out and tucking it beneath the mechanism. The front panel of the _elevator_ slides up and Ned waves an arm towards the exit. “Here we are.”

Tim finally gets a relatively stress-free chance to actually _look_ at where he’ll be spending most of his time. It _is_ a little higher than he’s really comfortable with, and there isn’t much of a lawn because it’s all tree branches…but the house itself is huge and he’ll have a pretty nice view. _A view of slouching and groaning zombies_, a voice in his head says nastily. “It’s really nice,” Tim protests too loudly in response, and Ned turns to look at him. “I mean, I didn’t know what to expect but I like it.”

“Okay then,” Ned says, blinking.

“Have you, um, have you thought of putting a motor in there?” Tim asks, gesturing towards the elevator as Ned leads him up to the door.

Ned unlocks it and pushes the door open, leaning in quickly to flip on the lights. “That depends on if you want the Threes up here, or not. They’re smart enough to work engines, but the hand crank is a li’l too much.”

They walk past the main waiting area with its slightly stained floors and cluttered front desk, and Tim finally asks when they’re walking up the stairs. “Is it harder for them to concentrate on cranking the elevator, or something?”

“Too much force and their arms fall off. I had a hell of a time gettin’ ‘em outta there, too, ‘cause the whole thing was halfway up…god, I hate climbin’ stuff. Anyways, after that I started to hide the handle. Turns out they don’t look for it unless you start bein’ careful _not_ to look at it.” 

Ned pauses to give Tim a meaningful look. Why would he…oh. Right. “I’ll do my best.”

“I’d appreciate it. Okay, so: I had no idea I’d be bringin’ back a guest so naturally everything looks like a bomb went off.”

Tim smiles. “That’s okay, I don’t mind.”

“That’s good news, ‘cause you might be sharin’ a room with some corpses.”

“I am suddenly starting to mind.”

Ned snorts and shows Tim into a room filled with dust-covered boxes. “There’s a bed around here somewhere, I think… gimme a minute and I’ll set up the place for you. There’s a better room on the other side I’m sure you’d like, but it’ll take a day or so to get it cleaned up.” He laughs when Tim brings up the ‘corpse’ comment, which seems to mean that he hadn’t been serious earlier.

Tim volunteers to help, but is roundly ignored, so he wanders out into the hall to look around while Ned finds….whatever it is that he’s looking for. There are several closed doors which pique Tim’s interest, but he’s not about to push his luck by snooping – there should be plenty of time for that in the future. 

Maybe.

He resolves to talk to Ned about their living arrangements as soon as possible, and starts to wonder where Ned sleeps – is the ‘new’ room considered perfect because it’s closer to Ned’s bedroom, or because it’s a place that Tim would genuinely enjoy? Tim nudges one of the closed doors with his foot, and it creaks open to reveal some sort of laboratory. He looks around for Ned guiltily, and opens the door wider so that he can get a good look.

It’s like something from the ECHOnet, Tim thinks in wonder. There are racks of test tubes and beakers of bright colored liquid, aprons arranged on a peg by the far wall. He slowly moves closer, fascinated, and stops when he realizes that there really _are_ corpses lying around. Tim decides not to get any closer, just in case it decides to get up and charge at him with its mouth open wide, and thinks that it’s probably best if he goes back and helps Ned.

When he turns around, Ned is standing right in front of him. “Lookin’ for somethin’?”

Tim barely manages to keep himself from recoiling with a loud yell, but he does clap a hand over his pounding heart. “Oh my god. I’m sorry, I was just curious-”

“You’re okay. Wanna go in, take a look?”

“Would that be…okay?”

“I don’t mind but if you wouldn’t touch nothin’, that’d be great.”

Tim looks again at all the tempting objects inside the lab, and back at the most tempting thing _outside_ of it. “Maybe tomorrow. Um, I just wanted to say that I know you probably expect…things…from me in exchange for staying here.”

“Well, I _do_ like ‘things’,” Ned says, deciding to be thoroughly unhelpful when Tim pauses for his comment. “What kinda ‘things’ you talkin’ about, exactly?”

_He’s actually going to make me say it_. “Sex things.”

Ned blinks slowly. “You’re sayin’ that you don’t want ‘sex things’ with me?”

“Not in exchange for staying here.” Tim breathes a sigh of relief at having it finally out in the open – especially since Ned doesn’t seem upset at all. In fact, the doctor actually seems _pleased_ for some reason.

“You don’t need to do a thing – or _things_ \- if you wanna hang out here,” Ned tells him. “Be nice if you could just keep me company sometimes, though.”

Tim smiles. “I can do that.”

“Awesome,” Ned says, smiling back. “Sure you don’t wanna take a peek in there?”

Tim decides that yes, he’d actually like to do just that, and listens attentively as Ned explains about the various experiments in play. There’s obviously more at work here than just ‘mad science.’

Ned shows him back to his temporary bedroom, which now has a great deal of floor space and the bed has finally been rediscovered. Tim’s left to situate what belongings he now has while Ned goes off to check the perimeter alarm system. Keeping in mind that he’s going to be moved into another room soon, Tim decides to just make neat piles of his clothing before going out for some more recon.

It’s hard to tell how old the treehouse actually is, but it’s been constructed well and Tim isn’t worried that it might fall down any time soon. He walks the halls slowly, taking in the view from the various windows, until he comes to a huge set of closed shutters. Opening them is easy enough, and Tim’s feeling _brave_ enough to venture out onto the small porch even though it has no rail to keep him from falling.

He sits cross-legged and closes his eyes, lifting his face to the breeze that’s blowing in from somewhere – he might be at an uncomfortable elevation, but at least it’s cooler up here. Tim gazes down at the ground, watching a few zombies lurch through the trees, and wonders what life in Jakobs Cove is really going to be like.

Tim can hear the sounds of Ned moving around in the house, presumably done with checking the alarm system, and decides to go back inside. He latches the shutters and goes in search of the other man, who is found in the house’s huge kitchen. “Just let me know if you need help with anything,” he says awkwardly, not wanting to be seen as a freeloader.

Ned looks up from the counter where he’s been preparing some sort of meat. “Figured you might need some alone time. Hey, uh.” Ned clears his throat and shifts his feet. “Sorry ‘bout earlier. I guess I’m just used to the zombies an’ was showin’ off a bit.”

“Oh,” Tim says, taken aback at the apology. “Yeah, that was…that was intense. It’s not always going to be like that, right?”

“Right.” Ned goes back to cutting the meat into strips. “You might wanna look around in here so you know where to find stuff.”

Tim nods until he realizes that Ned’s not looking at him. “Sure. Can I help? What exactly are you doing?”

“Turnin’ a bunch of stuff into dinner. Go on, dig around.”

Reaching out for the nearest cabinet, Tim pulls it open to find an assortment of plates and bowls. The door next to it has cups and mugs, most of them mismatched and chipped. He discovers where the flatware is kept, and is soon able to find almost anything related to baking. The refrigeration unit is a huge industrial hunk of metal that probably used to store medical samples.

Through all of Tim’s explorations (which is really just sanctioned snooping), Ned continues his dinner preparations. “So. Heard you were with Jack’s Enforcer.”

“Yeah…I was.”

Ned pauses and looks up. “Why?”

“Excuse me? What kind of a question is that?”

“It’s a perfectly valid one. What’s a guy like you doin’ with someone like that?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Tim asks sharply, and Ned looks up at him again.

“Oh, now, don’t take it like that. You can’t deny that’s a pretty odd pairin’, him and you…y’all must’ve been completely opposites. Age, looks, amount of organic limbs…”

Tim wonders why he still feels so defensive about Wilhelm, even after all this time. “Opposite can be a good thing, sometimes. Anyway, we’d never have met if it weren’t for that Vault. So if you’re looking for a _why_, that’s all I’ve got.”

Ned puts the knife down and leans on the counter, green eyes intent upon Tim’s face. “What’s that like, when you’re tryin’ to open a Vault? What came out of it?”

Tim is surprised at the sudden subject change, but also a little grateful that he doesn’t have to keep talking about Wilhelm. “Well, it was pretty intense. It seemed like everyone was trying to stop us from going inside it – but once we got in there, there was this huge…thing. We were lucky that only about half of it came out of the ground, because it was _massive_.” Tim describes the Sentinel while Ned listens attentively. “It couldn’t move very fast, so it wasn’t really hard to defeat. The guardians outside were more of a challenge when it really came down to it.”

“So, was it just the one Vault? No tentacles?”

What? “Tentacles?”

Ned waves the question away. “Never mind, I was just thinkin’ of what came out of the last Vault. They called it the Destroyer.”

“Oh, yeah. Hey, wasn’t that when the group of Crimson Lance were killed? I wonder if Ted knew them. Well, he probably knew their commander.”

“He sure did,” Ned says, looking away. “Anyways, dinner’ll be ready in a minute.”

Being fed, Tim thinks later as he’s slumped in a chair halfway into a food coma, is highly underrated. Ned’s off somewhere doing something that probably involves liver damage, but Tim guesses that’s really none of his business…it certainly doesn’t impede Ned’s cooking ability. He wonders idly about the whole ‘tentacle’ question before Ned ducks through the door and asks if he’d like a few extra blankets. Tim falls asleep thinking about his new roommate and what it might be like if Ned were sharing those blankets with him.

Tim learns a lot about Ned in the next few weeks.

He starts to realize that his initial impression of Ned being the ‘lazy one’ isn’t true at all – Ned’s also nowhere near as hapless as he pretends to be, either…all the bluster and self-deprecating mannerisms are clever concealment for one of the sharpest minds Tim’s ever known. While Tim could definitely do without the drunkenness (or the mass murder), he’s finding that he likes Ned a whole hell of a lot.

Tim was also pleasantly surprised to find that Ned has been actively searching for a way to ‘cure’ the zombies – because apparently there _is_ a way, and the fact that those infected had once died is just a mere detail. Tim’s skeptical about that, but he keeps his misgivings to himself and tries to help Ned as much as possible.

It’s too bad that the ‘help’ doesn’t extend into the bedroom…yet…but Tim has decided to be optimistic about their current partnership. He still has no idea what to think about Ned’s comments concerning ‘hunchbacks’, though. Still, they work well together and get along great so Tim has no real complaints thus far.

They’re currently sneaking back through Jakobs Cove proper, because they need to get to Old Haven where one of Ned’s laboratories is located. Ned also wants to use the satellite uplink there to contact Jakobs and ask for his job back. “Are you sure they won’t just put another hit out on you once they realize you’re still alive?” Tim wonders.

“Well, no, but I figure my research is somethin’ they’d really want.”

“You don’t have to be alive for them to get that, though.”

“I know that, but I’m also sick of bein’ poor,” Ned tells him, as if this is a perfectly reasonable explanation. “Heads up, we got some shufflers at three o’clock.”

Tim glances over. “Guess that gives them at least two hours to get here, then. Should I make some coffee?” They grin at each other until a retching sound is heard, then duck the acidic zombie vomit as it arcs overhead. “That is so gross.”

“Least it ain’t a three.”

They reach the safety of the tiny village, and Tim sighs in relief. “It’s too bad you couldn’t live out here by the water.”

Ned rolls his eyes. “And the Jakobs vendor…”

“Well, that definitely wouldn’t hurt. Your house _is_ nice, though.”

“I can unplug that fuckin’ vendor and just _bring it back_-”

“Can you bring the beach with you, too?” Tim challenges.

Ned grins at him again. “Is that all? I’ll just get you a bitty wadin’ pool and some sand if _that’s_ what it’s gonna take.”

They stop at the Quick Change for Tim to pick up a few more changes of clothing, then continue on through the main gate. It seems as though the turrets have picked off more of the zombies who had been around the last time, so moving around is a lot easier. Tim’s not sure how to feel about it though, since Ned’s so close to producing an antidote. 

A few of the rakk-ish creatures from last time (they’re actually called _corpse eaters_, which is just lovely) attempt a bombing run, only to be swatted down by yet another porn mag. “Why is it that I always see copies of the same three magazines? They’re everywhere,” Tim comments as Ned shoves the rolled-up _Heavy Fire_ into a back pocket.

“Patty tried to get some scientific journals delivered, but they got swapped out for a case of reprints,” Ned says, grunting as he leans down to untie the boat. “Better’n nothin’, I guess.”

“She did not!”

“You can call her yourself an’ ask once we get to Old Haven, then we’ll see who’s right.”

Ned pulls the boat closer to the dock and Tim gets in, trying to stay balanced when Ned jumps in as if he’s trying to capsize the thing. “Hey, watch it!”

“Thought you liked the beach,” Ned taunts, leaning to one side to make the boat rock wildly. “What’s the matter, pretty boy; you _scared?_”

“Yes! Who knows what the hell is in this water? There could be…zombie fish, or something.”

“Zombie-! Okay, that’s a good point.” Ned steers the boat through the pylons supporting the houses above them and Tim settles in to enjoy the ride. It’s a fairly warm night and Ned’s biceps are out in full force, so the ride isn’t the only thing Tim gets to enjoy. They strike up a conversation about the former inhabitants of Old Haven who moved to create _New_ Haven only to be annihilated by Hyperion. “Crimson Lance took over what was left, back in the day, so some of ‘em contracted the virus along with some of the bandits they’d lured in with those smoke signals.”

Tim learns that Ted would most definitely _not_ appreciate being told about Lance undead. “Do you think we can get them out of there? Is that even an option?”

“I don’t even know how many’re still around – the Vault Hunters really fucked ‘em up when they went through there. Place’s sealed up tighter’n a chastity belt on a bullymong so it ain’t like they could’ve _escaped_. There’s crates all over the place; I could work up somethin’ if need be. We’ll just have to play it by ear, I guess.”

Play it by ear? “You know, I heard that some of the tourists who go to Aquator take boats as transportation…and the people _steering_ the boats have to sing to them.”

Ned grins. “You want me to sing to ya?”

“Yes!” Tim laughs, expecting Ned to change the subject, but the doctor merely throws an arm out dramatically….and _begins to sing_. Tim’s not sure what the song is supposed to be but it’s loud, it’s obscene, and _very_ off-key.

“…_dowwwwn_ in the depths, yes, they-”

“Stop,” Tim begs, hands clamped over his ears. “I can’t take much more!”

“-went _dowwwwwn_ in her-”

“STOP.”

Ned finally does as requested, looking surprised. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything! Just….what _is_ that song?”

“Dahl mining ditty – catchy, huh?”

“Not really. Where, uh, did you learn to sing?”

“Why, Mister _Lawrence!_ I’m sure you ain’t castin’ aspersions on my singin’ ability.”

Tim laughs at Ned’s comical expression of offense. “Of course I’m not. I’m just about to tell you that you’re not very good at it. Why do you sing if you…can’t really sing?”

“‘Cause I know all the words,” Ned protests. “Jeez. Everyone’s a damn critic these days. ‘Ned, you suck ‘cause you made all those zombies’ and ‘you can’t sing worth a good god damn, Ned.’” Tim reminds Ned that both of those things are technically true, and is immediately splashed with water.


	6. Pure of Heart, Dumb of Ass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim and Ned explore Dead Haven...and Tim finally gets to explore the liveliest doctor in town.

They reach some sort of spooky underground dock in Old Haven – someone has crossed out ‘old’ and scrawled ‘dead’ on the sign – and Ned ties up the boat while Tim peeks into a few ammunition crates that turn out to be empty. “Isn’t it funny how there’s always ammo and random guns everywhere? It was like that up on Elpis, too.”

“Be hard to get your murder on if you couldn’t find ammo, now wouldn’t it?” Ned reasons. 

“There is that.” Tim follows him through the heavy door at the end of the passage, blinking as they emerge into bright daylight. There are barricades everywhere he looks, but he doesn’t see why they’d be needed. “It’s pretty quiet.”

Ned pushes the door shut and cocks his head, listening. “I guess we’ll see. Lab’s a bit of a walk so there’ll be enough time to run across…whatever’s around.”

On that heartening note, they set off to the lab. The town doesn’t turn out to be as big as it looks but the journey to Ned’s laboratory is stressful and their progress is slow because they’re trying to be careful. There’s a lot of tip-toeing and scrambling for cover whenever a stray breeze hits them, sure that there’s something unspeakable breathing down their necks. Ned finally flourishes a hand towards a structure that has no visible entrance, and Tim is impressed despite himself when there’s an actual hidden door.

They walk down the steps and Tim waves his hand in front of his face at the musty smell. “I know it’d be stupid to leave the door open so this place can air out, but…”

Ned pries open the fuse box and fiddles with a few connections before the lights come on, along with the air filtration system’s massive fans. “Anything else on that wish list of yours?”

_A kiss_, Tim thinks to himself. “I think that’s it. I mean, I’d like to not be eaten by anything.”

“Dunno if I can guarantee _that_,” Ned says, looking innocent-but-not-quite. It’s the first hint of sexual interest that Tim’s picked up from him in weeks; maybe there’s just something repressive about Hallow’s End. 

Oh, what the hell. “I _was_ gonna say you could kiss me.” 

“Yeah? What made you change your mind?”

“I couldn’t remember if you brushed your teeth, or not,” Tim smiles, leaning forward in an invitation that Ned…does not take.

“I always do,” Ned assures him. “Wanna go up to the comm tower, see if we spot anybody else in town?”

Tim hopes that he doesn’t look half as embarrassed as he feels. “Um. Sure.”

Ned closes the door back up but doesn’t lock it, leaving Tim to follow him through Old Haven while trying to kick himself. Why had he thought it was a good idea to say something like that? Now everything’s going to be awkward and it’s all Tim’s fault. He should’ve just stayed in Fyrestone where it was _clear_ that no one had any interest in him.

Tim walks behind Ned, still nervously scanning the surrounding buildings. It seems almost too good to be true, that they won’t have to deal with any zombies at all. He follows Ned up several flights of stairs, preoccupied with his thoughts, and doesn’t realize that his companion has stopped until he crashes into Ned’s chest. “Sorry,” Tim starts, feeling his face heating up again.

Ned stops the rest of the words from coming out by grasping a fistful of Tim’s collar and pulling him into a kiss.

He’s too surprised to react, even after Ned loosens his grip and draws back to have a look at him. “Well?”

“I guess you _did_ brush your teeth,” he says stupidly.

The other man laughs, drawing the backs of his knuckles along Tim’s jaw. “You are just too cute.”

Tim tries not to strain after Ned’s hand when it’s pulled back. “You’re not bad, either.”

“Don’t I know it,” Ned replies, all modesty. “Listen. I’d totally make out with you some more, but we really do gotta make sure the skull munchers’re all gone.” With that, Ned turns away to unlock the door they’ve been standing in front of.

Tim feels like his heart is going to leap right out of his chest. He feels like he’s in the middle of someone else’s menopausal hot flash. He feels like he’s going to _die_ if he doesn’t kiss Ned again right this very minute, never mind the fact that Tim never actually got to do anything but stand there. 

Well, he’s going to do something now – and if this door can be unlocked to let them in, it can be locked from the inside to keep any marauding zombies _out_. Tim charges through the door and kicks it shut behind him, hurling himself at Ned when Ned turns around in surprise. “What the-?”

Ned’s arms come around him as their bodies (and mouths) collide, and they stumble against the ECHO console while they grapple with each other. It comes alive in a burst of static when a flailing elbow strikes the ON switch, but Tim is far too intent upon the feeling of Ned’s body against his to really care. He’s being kissed to within an inch of his life and it’s not the clumsy, drooling sort of kiss that he’s grown used to – Ned knows what he’s doing and it’s pretty much the best thing ever.

Tim has one hand beneath Ned’s shirt and the other is combing through Ned’s hair – Ned’s hands seem to be everywhere at once. Maybe _this_ is the best thing ever, Tim thinks to himself. He feels dizzy as Ned’s tongue flicks against his own while a big hand cups his ass and hauls him against an equally large – “Oh my god,” Tim moans, pressing forward shamelessly. “Let me see.”

He feels Ned’s lips curve into a smile against his jaw. “Nah.” Ned laughs and draws back, breathing hard. “Someone’s impatient.”

“Are you seriously telling me that you’re _not?_”

“When you get to my age-”

“You’re not that old. Show me your dick.”

“Well, that’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said t’me.” Ned frees one of his hands and gestures towards the ECHO console. “I really do need to send that message.”

Tim bites the inside of his cheek and tries not to get upset, backing away. “Sure, yeah. I, um, I understand. Yup.”

Ned laughs and locks the door, then turns around to haul Tim into his arms again. “I’m just messin’, I’ll send it later.”

There isn’t _too_ much room for anything, but they manage just fine. Ned proves to be deft at opening Tim’s pants while hindering Tim’s own lustful exploration, but Tim manages to get Ned’s shirt off before- “Oh, God,” Tim groans as the extent of Ned’s hand-eye coordination becomes exceedingly clear. “_Fuck_. Do…do that again?” Ned’s fingers comply with Tim’s fervent wishes and all Tim can do is clutch at the scarred, muscled torso of the man pressed against him. 

Ned’s other hand cradles Tim’s jaw, keeping his face turned up for another kiss that he never wants to end. After going without for so long, and _wanting_ all this time, Tim feels as though he’s drowning in sensation. It’s almost too much but not enough at the same time…and then it’s abruptly _way_ too much. His muscles start to tense and he gasps against Ned’s mouth. _No, not **yet**._ “Ned.”

He’d rather not come in Ned’s hand a mere…five minutes? Has it even been five minutes yet? Since they’d finally moved beyond friendship, but Ned seems to have other plans. “Think I’m gonna suck that dick of yours, pretty thing,” Ned purrs, and then his knees are hitting the floor. 

“Oh, but-!” Tim’s eyes roll back in his head at the first touch of Ned’s tongue. He hasn’t had anyone do this for him in years and he’s almost forgotten how _good_ it feels to be on the receiving end. He should give a warning, but then this is apparently why Ned’s lips are wrapped around his cock in the first place. Tim hears his own voice rise to a strangled yell as he comes, pleasure surging through him as Ned continues to suck. One of those big, talented hands is pressed against Tim’s tailbone so he can’t pull away.

Tim slumps against the console again, trying to control his breathing. “Oh, wow. _Wow_.” He moans at the feeling of Ned actually _swallowing_ around him. “You really _are_ perfect.”

Ned sits back on his heels, flicking his tongue out to catch a pearlescent string of come that he hadn’t managed to swallow earlier. There’s a sheaf of dark hair that’s fallen over his forehead, and a look of pure mischief in his eyes as he looks up at Tim. “Really, now. Whyn’t you tell me all about that?”

“I have a feeling I shouldn’t’ve said anything,” Tim smiles and reaches out to finger-comb Ned’s hair back into place. Ned sways suddenly, and the look on his face goes from playful to irritated. “Oh! Do you want _me_ to…?”

“Maybe later,” Ned suggests. “Like, when my joints finally unlock an’ I can stand up. I should be fine in about an hour.”

Tim starts to laugh but it seems that Ned is absolutely serious this time. His offer of help is brusquely waved off and he’s sent outside while Ned gets himself sorted out. “I’m sorry,” he says, still feeling horrible when given the ‘all clear’ to come back in.

“It’s fine, just kinda embarrassing ‘cause I never know when it’ll happen. Apparently gettin’ robofied wasn’t too great on the ligaments; Zed did the best he could to dig out the circuitry but there’s still a bit left in there somewhere an’ it misfires once in a while,” Ned explains, rubbing at the back of his neck.

That definitely explains why Ned isn’t in the mood, especially since the original estimate of an hour had been shortened to mere minutes. Tim feels worse than ever as he notices how carefully Ned is moving after forcing his muscles to obey, and he guesses that it won’t take long before Ned starts searching for the closest available alcohol. “Maybe I could help you out later,” Tim suggests, scooting up to Ned and sliding his hands beneath the hem of Ned’s shirt. “Like, with a massage or something. You’d let me do that, right?”

“I dunno, maybe,” Ned says casually.

Tim can see from the look in his eyes that Ned’s still feeling self-conscious about his body’s failings. Well, never let it be said that Timothy Lawrence doesn’t know when to back off. “Let’s just call it a raincheck, then,” he says with a smile. “After what you just did to me you deserve, like, _ten_ of them.”

Ned finally relaxes enough to enjoy the praise. “Well.”

Standing watch while Ned does what they actually came here to do, Tim wonders why there doesn’t seem to be any zombies when Jakobs Cove still has so many. Maybe it has something to do with all the marshes keeping them hydrated. “Maybe they’re just too moisturized to die,” Tim says aloud. “If they were relocated…”

“Yeah, we’ll take away their body lotion – that’ll show ‘em.”

“I thought you were contacting Jakobs, not making fun of me.”

“I’m lazy as fuck but that don’t mean I can’t multi-task once in a while. Yes, I’m still holdin’ for Personnel Management,” Ned says quickly as someone on the other end of the line picks up. “Account name is N3DBL4NC0, and I still can_not_ believe y’all named it that…yeah, makes me feel like some kinda steward bot…what’s that? Oh. Well, just tell her I’ll send the particulars if she- I just said that, now didn’t I? Jeez. Just _tell_ her, she’ll wanna hear this. What was your name again?” The screen goes black and Ned grunts loudly before turning and giving Tim a thumbs-up.

“That didn’t sound very promising.”

“It went better’n you’d think. Let’s get outta here.” 

Ned moves to the door slowly, but Tim checks outside first before opening it. “Look, I really _am_ sorry.” Ned fixes him with a glare that makes Tim realize that he shouldn’t have brought the subject up again. “For interrupting your conversation with the Jakobs representative, I mean,” he hurriedly says.

“You sorry enough to make dinner tonight?” Tim agrees readily, and one corner of Ned’s mouth curls upwards. “We’ll see.”

Tim learns that they’ll be staying in Dead Haven for at least two weeks or after they finish gathering up any remaining ‘evidence’ – whichever comes first. They stop at a battered med vendor so that Ned can jimmy the locking mechanism and dig around for any InstaHealths that the spray of bullets might have missed. There turns out to be seven left, though Ned uncaps one right away and shoves it directly into his kneecap. Tim tries not to gag at the scraping sound of the needle. “Yeuuuughhh,” he says with a shudder.

Ned pulls the syringe’s needle free and inspects it. “Gotta get beyond all that dainty sensibility, kid.”

_Kid_. After what just happened up in that room, Tim would have thought his ‘kid’ days were a thing of the past. “This is going to get weird, and I’m sorry and everything, but do you like being called ‘Daddy’?”

“_What?_” Ned nearly drops their entire haul on the ground, and Tim leaps forward to help out when Ned fumbles one of the syringes. “What did – I mean, do I _look_ like…? ‘_Scuse_ me?”

“I just thought it would be better if we, you know, just discussed it up front. Like adults,” Tim says helpfully, as if he’s not about to start laughing at how startled Ned looks.

“Adults, right. You don’t get much more adult than me,” Ned stammers, running his fingers through his hair unnecessarily. “Why, uh, why’d you think you might wanna ask me…that thing you just asked me?”

He’s done this exact thing to Ned before, back in Fyrestone, and Ned had been nonplussed then as well. Tim has the slow-dawning realization that _this_ is how to keep Ned in check; he might talk a good game (and make all the right plays), but Ned is simply not used to someone else taking the offensive. “It’s just a question. You’re always calling me _kid_ or _son_, so I figured you might be…into that.”

“I call everyone -” Ned stops suddenly, and Tim gets to watch the calculation start back up again in Ned’s eyes. “Question is, are _you_ into that. ‘Cause if that’s what gets you there, I will abso_lute_ly do it.”

“Well…not really. It’s fine if the, um, situation calls for it but it’s not really my thing.”

“What _is_ your thing, then?”

It’s too hard to resist, and Tim’s not even going to try. “You already have experience with my thing.”

Ned gives him a long-suffering look. “Yeah okay, smartass.”

They return to the lab and Ned dumps the stolen syringes onto one of the cabinets while Tim hops up on a gurney. “Are we going to be living down here for the next two weeks? I know there’s a ventilation system, but…”

“Nah, there’re some places freed up – well, _all_ of ‘em are empty – over where the Fast Travel used to be. Top level so nothin’ can shuffle on in to say hello. Wanna go on a house tour after I get this place set up?”

Tim _would_ like that, and he eagerly helps clean the lab while Ned brings his equipment out of storage. His eagerness lasts until he finds a desiccated toe under a pile of paperwork, but he’s trying his best. Ned’s obviously feeling better after that horrific kneecap injection (the memory of which makes Tim squirm uncomfortably) and they finish their work a lot faster than they could have, otherwise.

The streets are still quiet, but Tim remains on high alert until they reach their destination high up above the eerily silent town. He wanders over as close to the far edge of the building as he can stand, peering down into a scarred patch of scrub grass where a few small huts used to be. “Hard to believe that we’re the only ones here.” At least they can pull up the ladder after nightfall. Tim’s gotten used to the huge treehouse in Hallow’s End, and he knows he’ll have trouble adjusting to being so close to the ground.

Ned sticks his head into one of the buildings, makes a face, and tries one of the other doors next. “We’ll see ‘bout that. Maybe we can lure out somethin’ when I’m makin’ you holler later,” Ned says casually. “This is a good one, you wanna try this?”

“You’re pretty confident for a man who can’t even walk up one flight of stairs without pausing to catch his breath,” Tim shoots back, trying not to look (or sound) thrilled at Ned’s comment.

“Only ‘cause I had to fix my _boot_ \- don’t you be draggin’ me when you’re the one gets five feet of air every single time you hear the slightest whisper comin’ from the shrubs.” Ned raises his eyebrows at Tim. “A scythid could fart and you’d be halfway up the nearest tree.”

“That has nothing to do with what I was making fun of you about, and you know it.”

“When’s that ever stopped me?” Ned points out. “Now do you wanna maybe get your ass in here and check it out?”

He steps aside to let Tim pass, and Tim ducks through the doorway to get his first look at his possible ‘home’ for the upcoming weeks – it’s a little larger than his room in Hallow’s End, but there’s no way that they can share it. “I don’t think it’s big enough for both of us.”

“I’m stayin’ in the lab – this’s just for you. There’s two others you could check out, though, you don’t gotta pick this one right off,” Ned says, explaining further when he notices Tim’s rapidly souring expression. “All my notes and stuff’re down there; wouldn’t be right to make you stay somewhere that kinda freaks you out-”

“I’m freaked out in Jakob’s Cove,” Tim interrupts, wondering if he’s done something wrong. “Isn’t there somewhere _closer_ to your lab? What if a…something-or-other shows up?”

“You could pull the ladder up so they can’t get up here.”

“No, I mean what if it shows up at _your_ spot and I’m not there to save the day?”

Ned laughs. “You got me there. Listen…I just figured you might like some time by yourself, that’s all.”

Tim shakes his head. “No. No, I want to be with – I mean, uh, I don’t want to be by myself,” he finishes, feeling like his ears are on fire.

“_Is_ that what you mean?” Ned asks, stepping in close in a way that makes Tim reflexively move back.

Ned’s fingers curl around Tim’s wrists and begin to make their way upward. “Of course I, um…what…?” Tim’s brain is officially on vacation, and Ned is steadily reeling him in. 

“Figured you might be tired of me by now,” Ned tells him, leaning in to nuzzle at Tim’s neck with slow and deliberate movements. Tim can feel the warm puffs of breath against his skin sending tingles down his spine, and he sways closer. “You tired of me, sweet thing?”

Tim swallows with difficulty as one of Ned’s hands slide up his chest to cup his face, thumb slowly stroking along his jawline. “Not yet,” he manages.

“Good.” Ned leans in for another devastatingly thorough kiss, and Tim’s knees are turned into jelly once again.


	7. Getting Off on Bad Behavior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chicka-bow-wow.

It’s been such a long time since he’s done this, it almost feels like it’s his first time all over again. Timothy bites his lip, feeling strangely nervous as Ned slides closer to him. The doctor strokes the back of his knuckles across Tim’s cheek. “You okay?” Ned asks gently, letting him know that stopping is still an option. “Comfortable enough?”

They’re currently in one of the highest available buildings near Ned’s underground lab, having stopped to make out in nearly every alleyway on their journey back from where Ned had attempted to leave Tim by himself. And despite the fact that he really _is_ eager to finally have sex with Ned, a sudden bout of nerves is threatening to ruin everything. “Yeah, I’m...” Tim swallows hard, reaching out to draw the larger man closer. It’s time to stop letting the past rule over his present. “I’m good.”

Ned leans in, and heat prickles up Tim’s spine as the kiss slowly deepens into passion. He’s always liked kissing for precisely this reason, though nobody has ever really wanted to kiss him until he began to wear another man’s face. You could tell a lot about another person by the way they kiss; sometimes Tim would find himself surprised at the unabashed tenderness in how Wilhelm would kiss him.

Ned’s kisses are practiced, calculating ones. He’s made it perfectly clear that his goal was to get into Tim’s pants so this shouldn’t be a surprise – especially since he’s technically already met his goal up in the comm tower. Tim allows himself to be guided towards the bed, drawing Ned down on top of him and feeling determined to enjoy himself. 

Tim might be the taller of the two, but everything about Ned just seems _big_. Right now Tim is thanking his lucky stars for that as he slides his hands up Ned’s back, feeling the thickly muscled shoulders before running his palms back down to Ned’s waistband. “Mmm,” Tim murmurs as a strong thigh pushes between his legs to press right where he needs it most. He ruts up against Ned’s leg eagerly. “_Please_…”

“You look real good when you beg like that,” Ned tells him, moving over to bite down on the side of Tim’s neck. Tim moans, and Ned bites harder before pulling away slightly to lick at the bruised skin. The feeling of Ned’s breath on his skin makes Tim’s dick jump. “Looks like we got a winner here.”

Ned pushes himself up and gazes down into Tim’s face, and Tim feels the stirring of something akin to fear at the look in those green eyes. “Ain’t gonna hurt you no more’n you want me to, sweet thing, but let’s be clear. I’m in control, and I like it rough. That gonna be a problem?”

Tim squirms against Ned’s thigh, which gets drawn away teasingly and held just out of reach for the friction Tim’s desperate for. “You’ll…you’ll stop if I don’t like it?”

“Sure,” Ned says easily, balancing on one arm while the other reaches back to grasp his shirt behind his neck and pull it over his head in one fluid motion. “But I’ll just make sure you like it.”

While he’s not really sure how to feel about a statement like that, Tim has already decided to take his chances. In for a credit, in for a bar of eridium. “I already like _this_,” he says boldly, cupping his fingers around the bulge in Ned’s pants.

Ned laughs and drops a hand to his waistband, unzipping it quickly and folding the fabric aside. Tim’s mouth goes dry as Ned pulls out his cock, giving the thick length a few casual pumps so that it juts out proudly. “Oh, it likes you too, honey.” Shifting to settle his knees on either side of Tim’s hips, Ned guides Tim’s hand to his dick.

Tim curls his fingers around it, squeezing lightly in a playful tease that has Ned’s thigh muscles tightening. It’s no wonder that Patricia had sounded so…ecstatic, back in Fyrestone, if she had the carbon copy of _this_ at her disposal. Tim rubs the pad of his thumb beneath the fat head, looking up to see how Ned likes it. Ned seems to appreciate it, judging from the way he shoves his hands down his pants and tucks the fabric behind his balls. Despite how long it’s taken for them to actually get to this point, Ned seems to have no problem showing Tim what he likes; it’s been a long time since Tim’s slept with anyone quite so shameless.

Ned is rocking into Tim’s grip slowly with his eyes half-closed and one hand fondling his balls, and Tim feels like he might just die if they don’t actually fuck soon. “Ned, can we - ?”

“Be patient,” Ned sighs out, shoving forward so that the leaking tip of him bumps against Tim’s fingers. “Li’l tighter, though…yeah, that’s good…” He fucks Tim’s fist with steady thrusts of his hips, dropping down slightly so that he can look at Tim’s face. It’s a little uncomfortable for Tim to meet that green-eyed stare because the calculating look is back and aimed directly at him. “How clean’re you.”

“Um, I don’t think I have anything. If that’s what you mean,” Tim stammers.

“That ain’t what I meant but good t’know,” Ned replies. “_Tighter_, kid.”

What could he have possibly – “_Oh!_ W-well, I mean, yeah…”

“Lord save us; you can be a real pearl clutcher sometimes,” the doctor says with an incredulous laugh. “That’s cute.”

Tim flushes, which only seems to intensify Ned’s amusement. “Why did you wait so long to come on to me?”

“I haven’t _come_ anywhere near you, or on you…yet,” Ned says with a dirty grin. “‘Sides, maybe I wanted to be a gentleman. Let go of my dick for a second so we can get you outta your drawers _and_ that ‘shrinking violet’ mindset of yours. Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

Tim pulls his hand back and scrambles away as Ned shifts his weight from atop Tim’s hips. “I am _not_ a shrinking violet.”

“You had yourself convinced you were, though, didn’t you? Maybe you wanted a li’l somethin’ back in Fyrestone, but you weren’t gonna do nothin’ about it– and how was I s’posed to move in on you, fresh outta prison like that? It’d be just like I was another Hyperion guard wantin’ to stick his dick in you,” Ned tells him, standing up to shuck the rest of his clothing. “I had to wait ‘til you were so horny for me that you’d finally give it up and hand me a season pass.”

Tim is breathing hard, and it’s not from the outrage he’s supposed to be feeling for being talked to like this. He stares at the other man, drinking in the sight of that powerful body finally nude and fully aroused…by _him_. “You’re pretty full of yourself, thinking that all this time I’ve been wanting to get in bed with you,” he shoots back. It would sound good, too, if his voice weren’t shaking and if his cock wasn’t so hard it’s about to rip through the fabric of his pants. It would also sound better if it were actually true, and both of them know that it’s not. At this point, all he can think about is Ned’s hands pushing him back down on the bed before settling behind him and-

“You’re about to be full of me,” Ned taunts, reaching down to touch himself. Tim’s eyes follow the rhythmic movement, and he moistens his lips with his tongue reflexively. “I’ve been around a while, kid, and believe me; I know a slut when I see one. So whyn’t you save your fancy arguments for someone too dumb to know better, and take your clothes off so I can eat your ass ‘fore I pound you through the floor?”

“I haven’t taken a shower yet,” Tim stammers instead of denying that he wants Ned to do any of the promised activities. “And I am _not_ a slut.”

Ned laughs and puts one knee on the bed. “So that’s why you’re looking like you’re about to leap over here and jam your tonsils past my dick? ‘Cause you’re _not?_ Listen, I got somethin’ like radar for hoes. Whoredar, if you will. It is finely tuned and _never_ wrong and the damn thing just fuckin’ _screams_ whenever you’re around.” 

He crooks his finger at Tim, who tells himself that he’s only actually obeying the gestural command because he needs to be close enough to slap Ned in the face. “Don’t talk to me like that,” Tim warns. “I don’t…I don’t like it.”

“Mmkay,” Ned agrees with a sly grin. “Take your clothes off.”

“And I really didn’t shower, so I don’t want you to do what you said you would.”

“Fine! Do you _know_ the health risks of a prolonged erection in someone old as me? Get _over_ here an’ quit wastin’ my blood supply,” Ned bellows. “Jeez!”

“Don’t yell at me!”

Ned threatens him right back. “Your ass ain’t over here in thirty seconds, I’ll rub one out all over your fancy Jakobs pistol and be about my goddamn business. Just you see if I don’t.”

Tim has to laugh at how ridiculous this has gotten, but it turns out that Ned is patient enough to wait while Tim gets the rest of his clothes off and finds the bottle of lube and a condom he’d stashed in his bag. Tim inches close enough for Ned to grab, and then…well, it very quickly turns out to be worth the wait.

Ned gets him onto his side and reaches back between Tim’s legs as their mouths come together once more. Slick fingers tease at Tim’s hole before carefully pushing inside in preparation for the hard dick pressed against Tim’s thigh. Gone are any misgivings about Ned’s suitability as a sexual partner as, just like during their first kiss, it’s _very_ clear that Ned knows what he’s doing. Tim can barely form a single coherent thought, let alone saying anything out loud, but there’s something to be said for _Ned_ pinging someone else’s ‘whoredar’ if the doctor is this competent. He’ll mention it to Ned if his brain function ever returns to normal.

Tim moans against Ned’s mouth, wondering how he’s going to survive an actual orgasm if this is just foreplay. Ned strokes and teases expertly, his own rumbles of pleasure reverberating out through his chest like a cat’s purr when Tim has the presence of mind to do some stroking of his own. It’s hard to concentrate on what he’s doing while Ned’s driving him crazy, and Tim moans again as Ned’s fingers pull out and then spear back into him. 

“Heads or tails, pretty boy?” Ned asks, pushing his hand forward so that his fingers sink in to the third knuckle.

Tim rides Ned’s hand shamelessly and pulls Ned down for another kiss. “I don’t care.”

“Ass up it is, then.” The fingers are withdrawn with a laugh at how loudly Tim complains about it. “Hands and knees,” Ned orders, sitting up and reaching for the lube.

Anticipation makes Tim’s breath come faster as he settles onto his hands and knees, craning his neck to watch Ned use his teeth to tear open the condom packet. “You’re going too slow,” Tim says just to see Ned look up and smile.

“We’ll see who can’t keep up.” Ned rolls the condom up onto his cock and makes eye contact as he spits into his palm. 

“You’d better use more than that,” Tim warns, snatching up the bottle of lubricant and tossing it over. Ned laughs again as he catches the bottle, uncapping it and drizzling a generous amount into the same palm he’d just spit into. Some is smoothed onto the condom, some is spread onto Tim’s backside, and the rest is rubbed onto Tim’s – “Oooh, you shouldn’t,” Tim groans, bucking into Ned’s grip.

Ned torments him for a few moments more, then slides his hands up Tim’s body as he gets into position. Tim braces himself on the thin mattress as his legs are parted and Ned moves in to cover him. His eyes flutter closed at the feeling of being so completely dominated as Ned’s body settles over his, and Tim presses back onto the cock steadily pushing inside him. “Mmm.” Ned plants one hand on the bed, the other flat against Tim’s stomach, and snaps his hips forward so that he buries himself to the hilt. It’s a little faster than Tim is really prepared for, and he slaps at the bed helplessly as his body tries to adjust to the intrusion. “Hang on to somethin’.”

Tim barely has enough time to follow Ned’s suggestion before he’s nearly knocked onto his face. All he can do is desperately try to keep himself upright as Ned seems determined to drive him off onto the floor. Nothing about the situation is elegant nor romantic, and Tim’s not sure why he’d ever thought it would be – Ned had warned him beforehand about what to expect. The doctor is every bit as rough as he’d promised, but it’s not painful so much as…intense. 

_Very_ intense.

Ned’s hands are now firmly gripping Tim’s waist, his strong thrusts shaking the bed and drawing a howl from Tim’s throat that’s guaranteed to alert anyone in town who hasn’t already figured out that they’re here. Tim struggles to push himself up against Ned’s sexual onslaught and sees stars when his back arches, inadvertently guiding Ned into a _very_ nice angle. Tim groans, pushing back against Ned’s hips. “_More_.”

“You’ll get what I decide t’give you,” Ned says…and _stops_, still holding Tim with an iron grip. “Was it you in charge, here, or was it me? I wonder.” He walks the fingers of one hand up Tim’s bowed spine and pins Tim into place by grasping his neck, shifting his grasp with the other hand up to Tim’s shoulder. “Work for it.”

Tim nearly calls a halt to the proceedings when he realizes what this means – Ned’s left him with just enough room to move his hips, and nothing more than that. Tim feels himself go warm with a full body flush of embarrassment; he can’t go through with this. Ned can’t make him. He’ll just…moan loudly when Ned shifts behind him. “I _can’t_, this is just too-_ooooh_,” Tim complains. “You’re _cheating_.”

Ned releases his neck just long enough to reach down and gently pinch at the tip of Tim’s swollen cock. “Am not.”

Tim pulls away before Ned can grab him again, and backs up onto Ned’s dick with a moan as he’s stretched anew. This time when Ned reaches up to hold him into place, Tim sets his knees and pumps his hips frantically – it might very well be the most debasing thing he’s ever done and he’s probably going to regret it later, but right now the friction is driving him insane. Tim works himself on Ned’s cock with frenzied undulating movements, gratified by the fact that he’s not the only one moaning, until Ned finally takes over when he notices that Tim’s growing tired. “Please… I just want…Ned, _please_,” Tim gasps.

He’s instructed to brace himself, and waits while he hears the sound of the bottle cap being flipped up. The extra lube is cool against his heated skin and Tim can feel himself clench in anticipation when Ned covers him again. “You done good, baby. Lemme take care of you, now.” 

The fresh penetration makes Tim rear off the bed despite his exhaustion, and he’s starting to fear that he’s in for another pounding when Ned’s hand closes around his cock. This time, there’s no teasing – just steady, purposeful movement that can only have one conclusion. _Thank god_. “Yes; oh, _please_,” Tim cries.

Ned fucks him faster, speeding the movement of his hand accordingly. “You’re so fuckin’ pretty, kid. Just _perfect_,” Ned breathes into his ear. “And you’re all mine.” Tim shudders at the tender possessiveness in Ned’s voice, and starts to come undone as his partner once again finds that perfect angle. Tim digs his fingers into the mattress as the world goes white, his entire body rigid. He’s vaguely aware of Ned’s grunts of exertion as he comes hard, tightening around the thick cock buried deep inside him and as he spurts into the tight circle of Ned’s fist. 

He falls onto his face, not even having enough strength left to throw his arms out, and Ned follows him down. Tim takes the doctor’s full weight for a few moments, feeling the other man press a kiss between his shoulder blades. “Lie down, sweet thing,” Ned says gently, pulling out and helping Tim roll onto his back. Tim’s head lolls to one side wearily, and he closes his eyes as Ned settles beside him. There’s movement that’s probably Ned taking care of the condom, then he’s pulled into Ned’s arms.

Tim presses his face into Ned’s neck and sighs, enjoying the feeling of being cared for as he’s stroked and lavished with kisses. “Takes one to know one,” he murmurs, listening to his lover’s heartbeat gradually slowing down.

“What’s that?” Ned smooths a hand down Tim’s back, still damp with sweat.

“A slut.”

Ned laughs uproariously, rolling closer so that Tim’s tucked into his body. “You are somethin’ else, that’s for sure.” He nuzzles Tim affectionately and while Tim enjoys it, he’s wonders at the abrupt change the doctor has gone through – one minute demanding and cruel, and the next…playful and _loving_. He’s still thinking about it when the last of his strength finally deserts him and Tim falls asleep with Ned’s fingers running through his hair.

He wakes up to find that he’s still in Ned’s arms, but the other man is fast asleep. Tim extricates himself carefully and sits up, staring down at Ned. Nothing in their weeks together had prepared him for the sex that they’d just had, and he looks down at his new lover curiously. It hadn’t been _bad_ \- on the contrary, Tim had enjoyed himself a great deal even if Ned turned out to be so…so _forceful_. He’d even taken the time to comfort Tim afterwards, which a lot of people wouldn’t even bother with. 

Tim gazes at Ned, a little surprised to realize that he wouldn’t mind a little more rough treatment. Maybe. Maybe he’ll even get a chance to be in charge once in a while, he thinks, tracing one of the circuit-like scars on Ned’s left flank. The silvery scar tissue is a sharp contrast to the deep tan of Ned’s skin, and Tim realizes that Ned is tanned _everywhere_ instead of simply above the waist. “Like what you see?” Ned asks suddenly, startling Tim.

“You’re okay,” Tim replies, pressing a hand over his heart. “Thanks for taking ten years off my life, though…and do you just run around naked to get a tan like this, or what?”

Ned finally opens his eyes, sniffing and rubbing a hand over his face. “Scarlett took my clothes an’ dumped me overboard near Wurmwater.”

“Is that the woman from Patricia’s calendar?”

“Yup.”

“What’d you do to her?”

“Why d’you think it’s _my_ fault?”

Tim looks down at Ned and shakes his head. “What’d you do.”

“I miiiight’ve gotten caught bonin’ the ship’s cook. It was an accident, though.”

“An accident?”

“Yeah! Mercer just kinda-sorta fell on my dick when the ship was-”

“Shut _up_,” Tim cries in exasperation, throwing himself forward to push Ned’s shoulders into the mattress. 

Laughing, Ned grabs Tim’s arms and pulls Tim down onto his chest…and despite everything he’d been rationalizing to himself, Tim struggles against the playful hold. Ned releases him once he realizes that Tim’s not actually having fun anymore. “Hey,” Ned says softly, reaching out for him. “You know I’d never hurt you, right?”

“I…I _don’t_ know. You _said_ you wouldn’t, but it was kind of like you meant that you would if you felt like it,” Tim blurts out. “I guess I should’ve said something, but I just really wanted to have sex. And it was great, really, but…I don’t want to feel nervous that you’ll just take what you want. Maybe I’m not over Friendship Gulag just yet. I’m, just…I’m sorry,” he finishes at a whisper.

Ned is watching him carefully. “You don’t gotta be _sorry_, kid, when it was me who…I just thought you were into it. I didn’t want to scare you or nothin’.”

“I’m not scared so much as just, uh, _cautious_.”

“C’mere,” Ned orders, holding his arms out. Tim bites his lip and has a moment of indecision before finally obeying, and Ned draws Tim back down onto his chest. Ned cradles Tim’s face in his palms and speaks gently. “I been alone a long while an’ I really didn’t mean to get carried away. I swear I’ll do better, okay? I’m sorry.” 

For all his usual bluster and the canniness he wears like a second skin, Tim realizes that Ned actually means what he’s saying. “Thanks. I know you are,” he whispers back, and stretches forward for a kiss before coming up for air with a relieved smile.

Tim drops down to tuck his head under Ned’s chin, using his fingers to make trails in the graying chest hair as Ned’s arms settle around him again. “I got a question, though,” Ned announces.

“About what?”

Ned lifts one of Tim’s hands up to his mouth and smiles against Tim’s fingers. “Why’s your lube half-empty?”


	8. Emotional Support Himbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no habit like an old habit

The next few days in Dead Haven are a learning experience in many different ways – and Tim very much enjoys many of those ways. Ned has proven to be more solicitous than Tim had planned on, even with what he’s privately calling ‘the speedbump’. They’ve moved beyond any lingering awkwardness by simply pretending it doesn’t exist, and that’s fine with Tim; he’d somehow expected Ned to treat him differently, but Ned is as gregarious as ever…there’s just a lot more sex involved.

Tim’s slowly waking up after a post-coital nap to find that Ned’s abandoned him yet again in favor of the underground laboratory. He yawns and rolls out of the bed to find his clothes are missing…along with the rest of the outfits he’d brought along with them. A quick look outside shows that a pair of his pants are hanging off a nearby antenna, and one of his socks is draped artistically atop an abandoned hubcap. “Very funny,” Tim yells, shoving his feet into the pair of boots that had been left for him.

He stomps outside and yanks the sock off the hubcap, then heads directly to Ned’s lab. The door is still open so Tim charges down the stairs. “You’re hilarious, you piece of shit!”

Ned turns to look and gives the woman he’s been talking to on the ECHOnet a good view, too. Maybe he should’ve checked to make sure Ned was alone down here before deciding to run in and administer vengeance, Tim thinks as he hurriedly moves the reclaimed sock to cover himself. “Well, hello to you _too_,” Ned comments with a twinkle in his eye. It’s really more of an evil, hellish glow that holds satanic levels of amusement as Ned catalogues Tim’s state of undress before turning back to the screen. “So, that’s the assistant I was tellin’ you about. Most of the time he even keeps his drawers on.”

“_The Jakobs Corporation will require samples, as I’ve mentioned before-”_

Ned leans back in his chair. “So y’all can pirate my research? I don’t think so. If I’m back on the payroll, I keep the rights to all independent discoveries but maybe I’ll be nice an’ share…for a price.”

“_Doctor Blanco, you are hardly in any position to bargain. We have proof of your culpability in the disaster that was Jakobs Cove._”

“And _I_ got proof that you did fuck-all to help those that didn’t die during the first wave of experimentation so I guess what we got here is a fuckin’ stalemate, Karen,” Ned returns. “Reinstate me and Jakobs gets an exclusive contract for the treatment. Easy as that.”

The woman steeples her fingers and looks past Ned’s shoulder at Tim, who has forgotten that all that protects his modesty was the sock that he’s just dropped to the floor. “_The legal department will be in touch, Doctor.”_

The screen goes black, and Ned takes a moment to pump his fist in the air before grabbing the edge of the table and pushing the chair into a spin that faces Tim. “Good job, Timbo, your dick really helped us out.”

“I’m supposed to be mad at you,” Tim informs him. “Why did you spread my clothes all over the place? Get up there and go get them!”

Ned puts on his best ‘innocent’ face, which never actually manages to look anything of the kind. “Why, I’m just tryin’ to help you out so you don’t get so bored! Wasn’t that you what said you wished you had somethin’ to do?”

“I was talking about _you_, not some crazy naked scavenger hunt.”

“You can have a crazy half-naked one, if you want. Here.” Ned strips off his shirt and tosses it over. “C’mere and sit on my lap first.”

Tim snatches the shirt out of the air and struggles into it, pulling his head through the collar with a scowl. “No.”

“Suit yourself,” Ned shrugs. “Guess who got approved for that patent?”

“Your mom,” Tim guesses, still feeling out of sorts. “Seriously, I am making you bring back all of my clothes.”

Ned drops his gaze to the bottom hem of the shirt Tim’s wearing. “You think so, huh? How’re you gonna pull that off; wishful thinking?”

“I’ll just hide…” Tim looks around wildly for anything he can use as collateral, and pauses when he sees the empty bottles sticking out of a nearby box. His mood goes from bad to worse immediately. “Seriously? Did you get so drunk that hiding my clothes seemed like a great idea, or did you drink all that _after_?”

Ned’s eyes go cold, and he stares up at Tim while one of his legs hooks another box out from beneath a nearby table. “Here.”

Tim glances down at the rest of his clothing, still folded neatly. “Thanks.” He feels a little bad about his accusation now that it’s clear that Ned had only tried to make him _think_ he’d need to search all over town….but he’s not going to apologize. It’s past time they talked about this, anyway. “You drink too much,” Tim says bluntly.

“You _talk_ too much.”

“I don’t want you to ruin yourself with that shit anymore, so maybe I’ll talk all I want.”

Ned is looking more unfriendly by the minute. Seconds. Whatever. “No. No, you won’t.”

“We need to talk about this-”

“It ain’t your _business_,” Ned snarls.

Tim pushes his chin out and glares right back. “Except when it _is_. I had to sit back and watch my own mother while she climbed inside a bottle and stayed there – I can’t watch that happen to you, too.”

“You know where the Fast Travel is.” Ned pushes up from his seat and past Tim, out the door. “I got work to do.”

“Ned, _wait_.” Tim sighs at Ned’s rapidly retreating back. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything…no, that’s not right. He should have said something before now, but waiting for the ‘perfect’ time had made him keep hesitating. Now he realizes that there’d never been a perfect time at all – they just need to move forward from here.

Somehow.

Tim gives Ned’s empty chair another unhappy sigh and bends down to pick up the box of clothing before realizing that he can just get dressed right there. He’s pulling on his boots when the screen Ned had been using to contact Jakobs blinks back on. “_Mister Lawrence, I presume?”_ the same woman asks. “_Karen Masuike of Jakobs_.”

He’s startled enough to nod in confirmation before asking how they know who he is. “Ned’s not, uh, not _here_ right now but I can-”

“_While Doctor Blanco is the reason why we are speaking, I’m much more interested in talking to **you**,”_ she says. “_The Jakobs Corporation would like to offer you a job, Mister Lawrence._”

What? “Why?” 

Her eyes move slightly, and Tim gets the impression that she’s looking at someone else in the room with her. Like she’s being…coached, or something. “_The legal department remains to be convinced that reinstating our mutual acquaintance is a good investment. Simply accepting the word of a known _rogue employee_ is not good business, wouldn’t you agree?_”

“Well, you’ve definitely got a point there,” Tim admits, “but I could be just as bad, for all you know.”

“_That is true, but it is a risk we are willing to take._” She goes on to detail his expected duties – Ned oversight coupled with weekly progress reports – and names a figure that nearly makes Tim’s eyes pop right out of his head. “_I will send a contract for you to review, so there is no need to decide at this moment. I strongly advise you to read the fine print, Mister Lawrence. Good day to you._”

The screen goes blank, and so does Tim’s brain. What the hell? He’s supposed to be, what, Ned’s babysitter? A corporate spy? Tim stares at the monitor for several minutes while he tries to figure out what’s just happened. He should probably go find Ned and tell him, even if Tim’s not exactly Ned’s favorite person right at the moment.

Tim carries the box back up to his temporary home, and goes in search of one seriously ticked-off doctor. He finally finds Ned out by the dump, digging around in search of something without his shirt on. “What now,” Ned says sourly when realizing that Tim’s coming over.

“I figured I’d better make sure you weren’t out here eating any of this, obviously.”

Ned stops and squints over at him. “The hell’s that s’posed to mean, _obviously_.”

“Well, there’s that old saying ‘you are what you eat’ so I needed to stop you before you got any worse,” Tim says lightly.

“Funny,” Ned grunts. “I ain’t in the mood, so spit it out and get lost.”

Tim closes his eyes and mentally counts to ten, trying not to become irritated by Ned’s attitude. “Okay-”

“Are you _countin’_ at me?” Ned yells.

“You know what? Yes! Yes, I am, because that’s what you do to a _child_,” Tim yells back. “Oh, waaaah, Tim cares about me enough to not want me to die of liver failure! God _damn_ it, Ned!”

Ned tilts his head to the side, clearly trying not to smile. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re kinda hot when you get mad?”

“Don’t start that with me,” Tim warns. “Just because you’re out here shirtless _does not mean_\- listen, Jakobs contacted me,” he says in a desperate attempt to get this conversation back on the right track.

“I figured they might’ve. Gonna check up on me for ‘em, then?”

Tim blinks in surprise. “How did you know that’s what they wanted me to do?”

Ned shakes his head and returns to picking through the scrap metal. “It don’t take a genius; they know you’re helpin’ out, so they’re gonna want eyes on me without havin’ to send one of their own to do it.” 

“What am I supposed to tell them?” Tim wonders, meaning the amount of Ned’s research that he can pass on.

Of course, Ned attempts to slide right into the gutter with a suggestive eyebrow waggle. “Tell ‘em I-”

“You know what I mean. Obviously I don’t know enough about science to really explain your experiments so that they can just steal your work.”

Ned finally seems to find what he’s been looking for, and pulls out a long piece of rebar from beneath a rusted panel. “Just givin’ the general idea should be enough.” He wades out of the scrap heap and inspects his prize in such a way that Tim wonders if Ned is trying to distract from their earlier argument.

It’s working, too, damn it. “Do you want your shirt back?”

“I’ll get it later; it’d just get dirty,” Ned says, gesturing to the smears of - is that grease? How could he have gotten _grease_ on his chest? Tim’s gaze lingers on the pattern, feeling the urge to step forward and help Ned clean that off. Maybe he could just place a hand on Ned’s stomach and make even more of a mess…

Tim suddenly realizes that he’s playing right into Ned’s hands. “You put that there to distract me.”

Ned gives him a slow blink. “Would I do somethin’ like that?”

“Yes, you would,” Tim says, trying to stay angry with Ned for being so manipulative. He needs to put his foot down and show Ned that he won’t be swayed. He wouldn’t mind swaying over to the nearest flat surface and - “Stop it. And don’t say ‘stop what’ because you know what I mean. I know you’re going to pretend that what happened back in your lab didn’t happen at all, and I guess that’s going to have to be okay for now – but you have to realize that I like you. _You_, not whoever you are when you reach the bottom of a bottle.”

“You never met me when I wasn’t there,” Ned points out.

“Then come see me when you’re sober and introduce yourself.”

“You got any idea of my blood alcohol content? That could take, like, at least five years!”

Tim ducks his head to hide a smile, but he can tell that Ned’s already seen it. “Why do you always have a smartass answer for everything?” He watches from the corner of his eye as Ned sidles closer, as if Tim’s some sort of wild animal that Ned’s trying to approach without spooking it. “I’m not a skag you’re trying to mount; keep your hands to yourself.”

“Aw, c’mon.”

Well, he’s at least broached the subject even if they haven’t really sat down to talk about it…but that could still happen. _Would_ happen. “We’d better get you to a shower before you smear any more of that grease around,” Tim says, effectively shelving their disagreement for another time. “Maybe you can tell me what your patent is all about, too.”

Ned is only too happy to let Tim change the subject. “Oh, that old thing? Why, that’s only ‘cause yours truly figured out how to trigger limb regrowth.”

“No way.”

“Uh, _yeah_ way. Pretty cool, huh? You’ve been touched by the dick of _genius_, which is a lot more’n most folks get to say.”

Tim rolls his eyes. “Looks like I’ve been touched by the dick of humility, too.”

“Lucky you, right? You, uh, wanna get touched by it again?” Ned asks hopefully.

“I guess I’m not doing anything _else_ at the moment. You need that shower first, though, and we’re not done discussing…what we were discussing,” Tim says.

Ned is back in his element. “I never said we were,” he says smoothly, tilting his head with a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Oh, that _mouth_. Tim wishes it were moving along the side of his neck right now. “Gonna help me get clean so we can get real _dirty_, honey?”

He allows himself to be pulled into Ned’s arms while he wonders how they’re ever going to actually discuss Ned’s drinking problem like adults. Then Ned’s mouth brushes over his neck, just like he wanted, and Tim stops thinking at all.


	9. Big Ditz Energy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys visit Generally Hospital, discuss the Helios Hot Pocket, and get it on in a military facility. What happens in the super-secret Dahl bunker...is definitely not going to stay there, because Ned’s a sucker for gossip.

They’re back in Hallow’s End, and Tim is carefully reading his official job offer for the third time. Ned’s busy perfecting the regeneration formula in his laboratory, and doesn’t look up when Tim leans in the doorway. “Do you think I need to look at this contract in infrared, or something?”

“You could if you really wanted to, I guess,” Ned says absently, scribbling something down on a pad of paper. “Since you’re here, I don’t s’pose you want to volunteer as a test subject?”

“No thanks. I guess you could say that I’m really _attached_ to my limbs.” Tim laughs at his own joke.

Ned clearly doesn’t appreciate it and gives him a thumbs-down, still writing something with his other hand. “That was weak as hell. ‘Sides, it ain’t like I wanna cut off your arm or nothin’ – just a toe would do.” He sighs when Tim continues to politely refuse. “Times like this I could really use that Jakobs money. I could get one of those Vault Hunters out here; those folks’ll do _anything_ for cash. Oh, uh. No offense.”

“I wasn’t going to take offense, but now I’m reconsidering it,” Tim says. “I’ve read this contract about a million times already and I can’t really see why I shouldn’t sign it, so I think I’m just gonna go for it. Did you want to read it first?”

Ned finally looks up. “Why would I wanna do that? I ain’t your momma.”

If Ned tries to ask if _that_ is a secret kink of his, Tim’s going to knock all those test tubes off onto the floor. “I just thought that we should be on the same page, that’s all. I didn’t see any hidden clauses about me being obligated to kill you.”

“You already killed me with that thing you did yesterday – what _was_ that an’ where’d you learn it?”

“It’s called the Helios Hot Pocket and it’s none of your business where I learned it. I’m going to send this off right now, then.”

“Helios Hot Pocket!” Ned laughs, then taps the edge of his desk as he remembers something. “Speakin’ of Helios, Ted is prob’ly gonna ask me to fill in for him up there for a few days. You could come, if you want.”

Just the thought of setting foot on that station again makes Tim feel queasy. “What do you mean, ‘probably’? Is he going somewhere?”

Ned explains that while Ted hasn’t explicitly _told_ him that he’s needed, Ned can definitely tell that the request is coming. “Somethin’ about Blake, I bet – no, no, Blake’s fine…Ted’s just dumb,” Ned says. “You know how it is.”

“Unfortunately.”

“Real funny. I need some stuff from the old Dahl facility out by Generally Hospital – I know you ain’t keen on Helios, but could you go with me just to the hospital? There should be some equipment left behind I could use.”

Tim agrees readily, feeling relieved that Ned won’t pressure him into going back aboard Helios. They plan to leave within the hour, so Tim goes to pack up a few things for the trip while Ned finishes up whatever experiment he’d been occupied with. He sends a message to Blake, asking about his friend’s general well-being, but decides not to mention anything about Ted just in case. 

Ned’s lacing his boots up as Tim comes back and Tim pauses to run his fingers through Ned’s hair, which is getting pretty shaggy. “Need a haircut?”

“Prob’ly. I need a hummer even more,” Ned teases, grabbing Tim’s legs and trying to knock him off balance. “One for the road, Lawrence?”

Tim lurches, clutching at Ned’s shoulders to remain upright. “You can have one before you leave for Helios; now, let go of me!”

“Heh heh.” Ned maneuvers one of his knees behind Tim’s and pulls his hands away, which has the effect of making Tim stumble backwards and ultimately fall directly into Ned’s lap. “Whoops.”

“You’re such a jerk,” Tim complains, sliding his arms around his lover’s neck anyway and letting Ned kiss him. “We _should_ wait ‘til we get back, though.”

Ned draws back, sucking his lower lip between his teeth in a way that Tim always finds irresistible. “D’you _wanna_ wait, pretty boy?”

“No,” Tim admits. “But if we do something now I’d probably just keep you in bed with me for the rest of the day, so…we should get this done and we’ll have fun after.” Tim kisses Ned quickly and slides off his lap before he can be convinced to stay put.

They cut through Jakobs Cove once again and run a gauntlet of several corpse eaters who leave them alone when Ned pointedly taps a folded magazine into his palm. Tim doesn’t think he has quite the same aura of natural authority as Ned, but he wouldn’t mind being able to scare those creepy bastards away that easily. It would be a lot easier if they didn’t have those little _claws_ that Tim can’t help but imagine grabbing his _hair_-

“Here,” Ned says suddenly, passing the magazine over. “Go get ‘em.”

He hesitates for a moment, winding _Heavy Fire_ into a tight roll. “They didn’t dive-bomb me this time.”

“They won’t do it ever again once you show ‘em who’s boss,” Ned says, nodding towards the magazine. “Go on.”

Tim looks up at the row of creatures peering down at him and he could swear that if they could laugh at him, they would. He raises his weapon and charges forward with a yell. Several of the corpse eaters are taken completely by surprise and wind up getting a beakful of pornography; the rest of them flap their way out of range. Tim continues running at them until every single one is fleeing for its life, convinced that he’s gone insane. 

He stops and leans over to brace his hands on his knees, breathing loudly. “What’d you think?” Tim asks when he stands up and holds the magazine out to Ned.

Ned motions for him to keep it. “It’ll do.”

Tim’s glow of pleasure lasts about three minutes, when Ned leads him right up to a gravestone on the beach and reaches out to grab the sides. “Okay, it’s just through here.”

“Excuse me?”

“We go through here,” Ned says again, grunting as he pushes the heavy headstone to the side.

“Through…there. We have to crawl through a tunnel marked like it’s a grave.”

“Uh. Yeah? You didn’t say you were claustrophobic, too.”

“What do you mean, _too!_”

“Well, besides bein’ the most gorgeous thing I ever did see,” Ned finishes innocently. “What’d you think I was gonna say?” There follows the faintest suggestion of an eyelash flutter.

Tim points at Ned warningly, not fooled for a second. “You better watch it, Blanco.” Ned abstains from making a remark about what part of Tim’s he’s going to watch, so Tim abstains from smacking Ned with the magazine still in his hand.

He scoots through the tunnel as quickly as he can, though it proves to be a lot shorter than he’d first thought. It widens out and Tim scrambles to his feet to make room for Ned. The other man isn’t able to move quite as fast, thanks to his larger frame, but he doesn’t get stuck when Tim waits to see if he will. It’s actually a little disappointing, though the scowl Tim gets when Ned realizes why Tim’s staring makes it all worth it. “Who you think dug that mess outta there?”

“Are you telling me that you blocked the entrance and then…dug a tunnel?”

“It sounds pretty dumb when you say it like _that_,” Ned says, still frowning. “Let’s just go.”

Tim pauses to admire Ned’s vending machine in a last-ditch attempt to delay the inevitable. He might’ve signed up for this trip, but that doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to be nervous – there’s probably a very good reason why the tunnel was blocked. “What are we looking at, exactly, and when can we go back home?”

Ned motions him over to the entrance of the huge cavern. “Okay, see up there? That’s the hospital, but we ain’t goin’ that way…good thing, too, ‘cause that’s where the Tankensteins like to hang out.”

“The _what_.”

“Oh, that’s just what Bill named ‘em. Pretty ironic, since he actually became one…kinda,” Ned says. “Anyways, I guess you could say they’re just like Goliaths ‘cept they chuck barrels at you. Didn’t, ah, didn’t I tell you ‘bout Tankensteins before?”

Tim rubs at his temples, feeling a headache brewing. “No, you didn’t. Okay, let’s just…let’s just get this done.”

Ned quickly explains their route, which will take them around a ‘gaggle of shufflers’ and down to the water. Tim supposes that he should be glad they’re not cutting a path straight through the seething mass of undead, and he _had_ agreed to help so he can cut Ned a little bit of slack; Ned isn’t any happier about this trip than Tim is. “If we stick by the rocks, they might not even notice us,” Ned tells him. “So we can just kinda scoot on by at half-speed.”

“You are going to _owe_ me.”

“_You_ knew there’d be undead folks here, so let’s not get too dainty ‘bout this situation.” Ned pauses for a moment. “I guess we could discuss what you want me to owe you, though.”

Tim smiles at the look on his doctor’s face, and the last of his irritation fades. “Lead the way.”

They manage to evade most of the zombies who are lurching about aimlessly, but one or two perk up upon noticing them. Tim keeps an eye on the closest ones while following close on Ned’s heels – the groaning gets louder, more heads start to turn, and then they’re ducking the first arc of acidic vomit. “Time to go,” Ned announces, breaking into a trot. “What numbers we got?”

“I don’t see any Threes,” Tim says, reaching for his revolver in its makeshift holster. “Yet.”

They don’t stick around long enough to see any, and quickly outdistance their pursuers. Ned leads him to some sort of powered lift, which still works despite the fact that it looks absolutely ancient. There also doesn’t seem to be many zombies sneaking around. “I think there’s some rakks that hang about, so keep your eyes up,” Ned advises, stopping to rummage around in his gear bag. “These ones’re a lot nastier than the corpse eaters.”

Tim hopes that whatever cure Ned is working on can be shared with the animal population of Jakobs Cove, too. They’d still be just as ‘nasty’ but at least they wouldn’t look half as creepy. Tim watches as Ned withdraws a shotgun from the pack before shouldering it with a grunt. “You know, I think Marcus Munitions sells larger-”

“_Marcus_,” Ned interrupts. “He’d sell his own momma if she was still kickin’.”

“Do you know him?”

“Oh, I’d say so. Grew up with the dumbass, didn’t I? Always tryin’ to follow us around, whinin’ to his daddy when we wouldn’t let him tag along,” Ned says dismissively. “One time he swiped some of my ECHO disks an’ tried to sell ‘em right back to me! Surprised nobody’s killed him yet.”

Tim smiles to think of a teenaged Ned dealing with such an outrage, and the smile turns into a laugh when he realizes that he can’t picture a young Ned as anything but a shorter version of what’s in front of Tim now. “What were you like, when you were younger?” he asks when Ned looks over at him.

“Well, I wasn’t as hairy.” Ned laughs, too. “I got some pictures back at Hallows End; I’ll show you when we get back.”

“Deal…oh my _god_, what is that?!?!” Tim jerks his gun upwards even as his entire body tries to recoil from the sight of a flying set of bones coming right at them.

“That’d be the rakks.” Ned checks to make sure the shotgun is loaded before aiming it at the nightmare swooping down on their heads. Several bones clatter down around Tim’s feet as the first blast takes a chunk out of the creature, and Tim fans the hammer of his pistol to finish it off. “Nice. The others’ll get up the courage to come down here sooner or later, so let’s go ‘fore they get brave.”

Tim reloads his gun, trying to look for the rest of the zombie rakks and the Dahl bunker at the same time. “Am I missing something, here? All I can see is sand and water.”

“We’re here at low tide for a reason,” Ned says, gesturing to the shore line. “Let’s see. If I line up those rocks an’ _that_ house…yeah, there we go.” He walks forward, staring at the sand, and Tim follows curiously. “See, before Jakobs got their mitts on this place it used t’be a mining camp – some folks found an Eridium vein and everyone got all excited, but there were only traces left once it played out. Now all that’s left is a big-ass underground lab some idiot decided to build on a goddamned _beach_.”

He crouches and begins scooping up sand. “Did we bring a shovel?” Surely Ned doesn’t expect that he’ll be able to clean off whatever’s underneath the sand with just his hands.

“Nah, don’t need one.”

“If you say so…” Tim trails off and goes back to rakk-spotting while Ned continues to dig around. “Hey. If you find it and get the door open, what happens when the tide comes back in?”

“What happens is we start floatin’. A-_ha!_”

Ned’s cry of triumph makes Tim look down in time to see a massive section of sand start moving. “You actually knew right where that was? I didn’t even see a marker,” Tim says, looking around in case he spots anything he’d missed earlier.

“I come down here twice a month t’make sure it don’t get buried too deep – it was a pain in the ass to find the first time I looked for it, that’s the truth. C’mon in; we got a couple hours ‘fore it’s time for a swim.” Ned grabs his pack and heads down the stairs into the bunker, leaving Tim to check one last time for flying skeleton birds before following.

First he makes Ned clarify that they can actually get out if something makes the bunker’s doors seal up while they’re still down there. “And you’re _sure_ nothing’s going to lurch down the steps and try to have us for breakfast?” Tim presses.

“Take it easy, will ya?” Ned shakes his head and pries open a control panel where he turns on the ventilation system and a few lights. Tim would prefer a lot _more_ lights, but he guesses that it’s better than nothing. “Okay, so there’s a centrifuge down here I wanna grab and some smaller stuff – let’s get the biggest things back by the stairs first.”

They concentrate on moving everything that Ned is convinced that he needs, and then Tim gets the grand tour. The facility is huge, housing mining equipment that dwarfs even the treehouse in Hallow’s End. “Did they ever find much here?” Tim asks curiously.

Ned checks the time on his ECHO device before returning it to the clip on his belt, sitting down on a nearby metal platform. “They found squat, so of course they poured a bunch more money into double-checkin’ it. Once it was obvious nothin’ was here, they packed up and got the hell out.”

“Speaking of getting out; is it time for us to go, yet?” Tim asks. “I like swimming as much as the next person, but I’d rather not be trapped down here with water pouring in on us.”

“We got one hour and change ‘fore that happens. Whyn’t you come on over here for a minute?” Ned coaxes, patting his leg. “You never did tell me what I owe.”

Tim casts an apprehensive look back at the piled equipment. “I don’t know, Ned.”

“_I_ do. Come here.”

Tim goes, sincerely hoping that no undead rakks will fall through the bunker’s door and disrupt them. He slides onto Ned’s lap, running his fingers along the streaks of white hair at Ned’s temples. “If a zombie busts through the door and eats me, I’m breaking up with you,” Tim says, then flushes as he realizes how that sounds – neither of them have even openly acknowledged that they have a relationship, so maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. “I mean, I’ll break your leg,” he adds hastily.

If anything, Ned seems to be amused at the threat - _and_ what Tim has just accidentally blurted out. “I’d like to see you try either of those.” Ned kisses him before he can say anything else, and Tim’s _faux pas_ is instantly forgotten – along with every other thought in his head. Ned’s kisses just seem to have that effect on him.

Tim presses closer as Ned’s arms settle around him, and they kiss until he _definitely_ doesn’t give a damn that the door is still open. “Guess what,” Tim pants, grinding on Ned’s leg while the doctor bites down on his neck.

“Hmm?” Ned licks the marks he’s just left on Tim’s skin and looks up.

“I, um. I took a shower earlier.”

The dirty grin he gets in response has Tim’s body tightening in anticipation. “Did you, now.”

Tim scoots off of Ned’s lap and onto his knees, unconsciously licking his lips as Ned stands up in front of him. “Let me,” Tim offers, reaching his hands up to open the front of Ned’s pants. He shifts his weight upon seeing the well-defined bulge pressing against the fabric, and rubs his palm over it in a rhythmic caress that makes Ned’s breath draw in sharply. Tim leans in to nuzzle at Ned’s crotch before carefully lowering the zipper and folding back the sides, licking his lips again as Ned’s cock sways from its confinement. He’s probably seen Ned’s dick about fifty times already, but Tim still feels as excited now as he’d been the first time.

Maybe even more, he thinks, feeling a rush of saliva inside his mouth as he parts his lips. Now he knows exactly how it feels inside his mouth, sliding against his tongue. Tim knows how the thick flesh tastes before, during, and after Ned comes…and _god_, how he loves it. Tim takes Ned’s cock into his mouth and sucks eagerly, running his palms up and down the scarred plane of Ned’s stomach and hips. His tongue slips under the edge of Ned’s foreskin and Tim uses his dominant hand to pump Ned’s cock, sliding the skin down over the head…and the tip of Tim’s tongue. Ned’s fingers sink into Tim’s hair, curling and pulling painfully at the roots. Tim comes up for air, still stroking the velvety soft skin, and murmurs something before he can think better of it. “Remember when you invited me up on top of the motel? I couldn’t even settle down and take a nap; I swear I could’ve just pulled your pants down right there and sucked you dry.”

Ned groans in response and pushes back into Tim’s mouth, and Tim has plenty of time to think about what he’s just said. He loves dirty talk, which is a good thing because Ned has an unending supply of it, but he’s never actually grown comfortable enough to really try it on his own. It’s encouraging that Ned seems to like hearing it from him, though, and Tim relaxes that much more. He reaches around to knead at the muscles just beneath Ned’s ass, because he knows that Ned likes to be rubbed there when Tim’s on his back and Ned’s pounding into him. The fingers in Tim’s hair tighten convulsively and Ned takes control back, fucking Tim’s mouth until his movements become erratic. Tim breathes in through his nose and sucks hard as the hot, thick fluid fills his mouth. “Fuck,” Ned sighs as he loosens his grip.

Tim continues to move his head back and forth, concentrating on swallowing everything without choking to death. He pulls away when his gag reflex threatens to ruin the mood, and wipes the back of his hand across his mouth. Ned watches him through heavily lidded eyes as Tim moves to unzip his own pants. “Um. Please?”

“‘Course,” Ned agrees lazily. “Can’t let that shower go to waste, can we?”

Ned tucks himself back in his pants slowly, eyeing Tim as if Tim’s already naked. “Maybe next time you could take the shower with me – that’d be fun,” Tim sighs as Ned guides him into position and tugs Tim’s pants down to his ankles. His earlier anxiety about the open door is starting to return now that he’s on his hands and knees facing away from it, but Ned’s skilled hands are already moving over him. Ned cups his balls and massages them with firm pressure that makes Tim groan, then he gives a few pulls at Tim’s dick.

“You got all kindsa ideas, huh.” Tim can feel Ned’s breath on his tailbone as fingers slowly move up to where he wants them. “Got yourself a dirty mouth, too. You been hidin’ _that_.”

“I…I didn’t _mean_ to-”

“Oh, now. Don’t you be embarrassed, honey,” Ned murmurs, leaving off playing with Tim’s cock to rub his hands up the backs of Tim’s thighs. “Don’t _ever_ be ashamed of it – not with _me_.” His hands slide up further until he’s kneading Tim’s ass, and Tim bites his lip to keep from yelling when Ned’s fingers finally brush over the tight ring of muscle. “What other things you want that you never told me?”

Tim can hear Ned shift a handful of seconds before he’s spread wide and a warm gobbet of spit lands just above his balls. “Oh, god,” he groans as Ned uses the natural lubrication to push two fingers inside his body. “I just…I just want, _ooooooh…!”_

“What’s that? I couldn’t quite hear you,” Ned says, pulling his fingers out and pushing them right back in.

“I…I want-”

Ned leans in and swipes his tongue over the sensitive flesh. “_What_.”

“I want to fuck you,” Tim moans out, squirming as Ned’s tongue continues to do things that should probably be illegal. “That’s what I want.”

He can hear Ned huff out a laugh. “Well, you coulda _said_.”

“You mean, you’d be okay with that?”

“Sure. Now zip it; I’m here to eat ass, not make conversation,” Ned scolds, slapping Tim’s backside for emphasis.

“Sorry-”

“_Quiet!_”


	10. No Brain November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ned’s called up to Helios while Ted takes Ice Cream Day, so Tim’s left to his own devices. It’s not like he could mess anything up...right?

Ned gets the expected call while they’re rearranging the laboratory. Well, _Ned’s_ rearranging the place while Tim tries to put an entertaining spin on their trip to the Dahl bunker for his next report. “Can they claim what’s in there for themselves, since it’s technically Jakobs Cove?” Tim wonders.

“If you’re gettin’ into technicalities…yeah, I guess. Hey, does this look like a good spot for the spectrum a-”

“I have no idea what you’re saying and I don’t really wanna know,” Tim interrupts. “But if you’re talking about that thing that looks like the bottom half of a toilet plunger, I think the base is way too big for that counter.”

Ned looks over at the stack of newly liberated equipment. “No, I’m talkin’ about the _thing_ that’s…huh. Well, I guess it kinda _does_ look like you could clean the john with it.”

“See? It would hang over and if you bumped into it…”

“_You_ were the one made me bump into-” Ned’s outraged protest is cut short by the chime of the ECHO screen indicating an incoming transmission. “Hang on.” 

The doctor leans over to tap the controls, and Ted’s face fills the screen. _“Hey, you got a minute?”_

Ned takes a seat on the edge of the nearest cabinet. “Sure do; whatcha need? Dating advice?”

Ted’s immediate scowl has Tim struggling to swallow a laugh – he’s definitely seen _that_ expression before – but he sobers quickly when Ted’s eyes move from Ned’s face to his. _“Take a walk, Junior, this ain’t your business.”_ Once again, a single look from the Atlas assassin has Tim in urgent need of the bathroom. _Jesus_, he’s scary.

“Don’t you talk to him that way, or you can go fuck yourself with your own ice cream cone,” Ned says lazily. “That _is_ why you’re callin’…right? For a _favor_?”

Ted’s gaze is still pinning Tim to the wall. _“A’ight, then. Mister Lawrence, would you kindly vacate the immediate area for a length of time not exceeding ten minutes? I would be ever so **grateful**.”_

“Yeah, sure. I’ll just…be…upstairs, then. Tell Jeff I said hi,” Tim says quickly, nearly tripping over himself when Ted’s eyes narrow to slits. “Or not. You could just tell him that Ned says hi, that’s fine too.” He escapes into the hall after slamming the door shut, leaning against it to catch his breath. 

It’s totally _not_ because he wants to eavesdrop on the conversation.

“Why you gotta be like that? Poor kid was seconds away from pissin’ himself,” Ned lectures. “Ain’t _his_ fault he was Blake’s only friend out there in the Dust.”

_“What, you sayin’ it’s **mine**?”_

“And _you’re_ sayin’ it’s _not_, when it was your officer sent him down there? If you’d stayed, Blake woulda been fine,” Tim hears Ned say. “Stop takin’ it out on Tim. Be grateful you’re the one Blake wants to fuck, for cryin’ out loud!”

The silence goes on for so long, Tim’s frozen in place for fear that he’ll be heard if he tries to leave now. Finally, Ted sighs. “_Yeah, maybe. Listen, you still down for fillin’ in for me? I guess you could bring him if you want.”_

“I can come on up for a few days. What’s goin’ on? Told you I was good for that advice.”

_“You always did think you knew it all. Look, it’s…it’s complicated,”_ Ted confesses. “_And if I told you, **if**, it goes no further than you.”_

Ned swears up and down that Ted’s secrets are safe with him, and Tim hardly even dares to breathe as it all comes spilling out. For some reason he’d thought that Ted wasn’t the kind of person to actually be _capable_ of love – or, at least, Ted would never let his personal life dictate his behavior. For all the times that he’d terrorized Tim, it’s actually nice to realize that Ted is human after all…and Tim finds himself actually feeling _sorry_ for him. 

Slipping away from the laboratory door, Tim goes up the staircase to Ned’s room and sits down on the bed. He still has his own room with a huge window seat that Ned thought he would like, but lately Tim’s been spending most of his time up here. Ned’s bedroom is in the highest point of the treehouse, just beneath the house’s main spire, and half of the circular wall has been replaced by a window. The end result was moderately horrifying for Tim when he’d first seen it, but now he genuinely likes it – there’s a fantastic view if he doesn’t look down at the zombies. It’s actually pretty romantic when he’s up there with Ned.

He could do without the corpse eaters flapping past and watching them have sex, though.

Tim thinks about what he’s just overheard, and wonders yet again how Ned _really_ feels about him. For that matter, Tim’s still trying to figure out how _he_ feels about _Ned_. He can’t say that it’s love, but there’s…something there. Maybe Ned leaving for Helios will be a good thing, and Tim can have some time to figure it out.

“You’re thinkin’ hard about something,” Ned says from the doorway, and Tim turns to look over his shoulder. “Ted won’t know that you listened, if that’s what it is.”

“I didn’t stay for all of it. It’s weird to me that he can even wonder about…but then, I guess I’ve got inside information. I don’t know.” Tim sighs, changing the subject. “You don’t have to leave right away, do you?”

Ned comes in and sits next to him. “Morning’s good enough. If you haven’t changed your mind ‘bout goin’ with me up there…d’you wanna stay here? You’d be welcome in Fyrestone, too, I think.” Tim hasn’t really thought about it that much, but ultimately decides that he’ll stay in Jakobs Cove by himself for the time being. “If you’re sure,” Ned says.

“I’ll be fine. I’m a Vault Hunter, remember?” Tim picks up one of Ned’s hands and traces one of the scars with his finger. “When you’re up on Helios…do you think you could figure out a way to get the leftover circuitry out of your body?”

“Already know how to get it out, but I can’t unless I have some help with it,” Ned says, turning his head to watch Tim’s finger move on his skin. “Zed might be good, but he’s done enough for me. Ted’s got his own problems and he don’t need me addin’ to ‘em.”

There’s something in Ned’s voice that has Tim paying _very_ close attention. “That doesn’t mean you should have to be in pain. You don’t deserve-”

“Don’t I, though?”

“No,” Tim says softly, lacing his fingers through Ned’s. “You don’t.”

Ned’s jaw tightens as he stares down at their joined hands. “I should pack some stuff.”

“Talk to me, Ned. Please.”

“Nothin’ to say.”

Tim decides not to press, wondering when it’s going to be time to simply pin Ned down. He’s not looking forward to it, but he knows it has to be done…even if it changes everything between them. Tim had tried when they’d been in Old Haven, but he knows full well that he’d backed off too easily. “But if you _did_ have something to say? You could tell me.”

“I’ll put that in my diary,” Ned says, beginning to withdraw his hand. Tim quickly slips under Ned’s arm to keep him from leaving, hurling himself backwards onto the bed and bringing Ned with him. “What’re you up to?”

Tim snuggles close, throwing his leg over Ned’s thigh. “Nothing. I’ll just miss you.”

“Hm.” Ned reaches up to tuck his free arm behind his head, looking up at the ceiling. “I got some ideas for trappin’ the shufflers that I’ll be workin’ on while I’m up there. You’re _sure_ you’ll be okay by yourself?”

Tim smiles and pushes his face into the crook of his lover’s neck, breathing in the scent of Ned’s skin. “I already said I will, and nothing’s changed since then.” He kisses just beneath Ned’s ear. “So, are you going to miss _me?”_

Ned’s lips purse as he pretends to think about it. “Nah,” Ned says finally, laughing when Tim rears back to pounce on him.

“You will, too. Take that back,” Tim orders, climbing astride Ned’s hips and trying to pin Ned’s shoulders down on the mattress. They wrestle each other playfully until Ned gains the advantage and flops down on Tim. “Oh my god, what’ve you been _eating_?” Tim wheezes. “Get _off!_”

Ned rolls off to one side with a laugh. “Maybe later.” He rubs the back of his knuckles along Tim’s cheek. “And maybe I’ll miss you a _little_.”

Pleased, Tim scoots closer and settles himself against Ned. He loves the feel of Ned’s strong body pressed to his, even if sex isn’t involved. Of course _that’s_ nice, too - _more_ than nice – but something about Ned just seems to make Tim feel…safe. 

_Loved_, a voice in his head whispers.

“Ridiculous,” Tim mutters to himself, shaking his head when Ned shifts questioningly. “Just thinking about something, that’s all.”

In the morning, Tim watches Ned throw a few items of clothing into a bag as he prepares to leave for Helios. “It’s okay if I go with you to the Fast Travel, isn’t it?” Tim asks, stepping aside when Ned approaches to rummage through a drawer. 

Ned pulls out a journal and thumbs through it quickly, grunting as he appears to find what he was looking for. “Yeah, sure…you seen my-? Oh, that one’s downstairs.” 

“What’re you taking with you?” Tim asks curiously.

“Just some, uh, stuff,” Ned says, not sounding guilty at _all_. “Don’t worry about it.”

“_Ned_.”

“Okay, fine; long as I’m up there, I’m gonna test the serum I been workin’ on,” Ned confesses. “I mean, why not? They got that creature biome thing, so I figured it’d be a good place to try it. They can’t get out, nothin’ can get _in_ \- it’s perfect!”

Tim rubs his hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh. “Something tells me that Ted has no idea you’re about to unleash a zombie outbreak on Helios while he’s gone.”

“It ain’t an _outbreak_, it’s more like a small…get-together.”

“Of the undead.”

Ned points at him. “Exactly.” He leaves the room to finish gathering up his notes and/or heinous biological samples, and Tim wonders if he should call Jeff to warn him. 

In the end, he simply decides to go down to the kitchen and dig up something to eat for breakfast. There are several options for him to choose, but those get discarded in favor of the savory hand pies cooling on top of the oven beside a propped-up note with his name written on it. Tim’s on his third one when Ned walks through looking for something else, and he gives Ned a thumbs-up since his mouth is full. Ned smiles and rests his hand on Tim’s shoulder briefly before moving past.

“You didn’t have to wake up early just to cook for me,” Tim says when Ned comes back in with a black jacket folded over his arm.

Ned stops to pour himself some coffee. “I know. I wanted to anyways. Ready t’go?”

They walk through the predawn darkness, which is only slightly different from the regular day in Jakobs Cove darkness, talking quietly and somehow managing to avoid detection. Tim wonders if zombies like to sleep in, too.

He hadn’t thought being separated was such a big deal. As they walk along the docks leading to the Fast Travel, though, Tim feels his stomach twist in a way that has nothing to do with just having eaten breakfast. Which is just _stupid_, because he’ll be fine and so will Ned and it’s only for the two sleep cycles which make up a single Pandoran day. “I…I wish you didn’t have to go,” Tim says. “Maybe I should just come, too-”

“Hey,” Ned says gently. “It’s gonna be fine.”

“I _know_, it’s just…don’t mind me. I’m sorry.” Tim feels like a fool, and looks down at his boots.

Ned’s hands cup his face, forcing him to look up. “You got your ECHO, right? Hang onto it, and I’ll send you a message once I get settled in up there. You want, we can talk later tonight.”

“I’m sorry,” Tim apologizes again, leaning into Ned’s touch when the other man strokes his thumbs over Tim’s cheekbones.

“Don’t be sorry, honey. It’s kinda weird for me, too. Never had no one give a damn that I was leavin’ before.” Ned draws him into a tight embrace and smoothes a hand down Tim’s back before stepping away and pulling the jacket on. It’s Atlas issue with red piping at the seams and with it hiding Ned’s scarred forearms, there’s nothing at all to distinguish the man standing in front of him from Ted. “Okay, it’s time for me to get on up there.”

Tim follows him up to the Fast Travel, watching Ned select the option for Helios. “Be good,” he admonishes, anxiety still twisting his stomach.

Ned smiles. “I’ll think about it. Give your old man a kiss, now, an’ put some effort in. It’s gotta last me 90 hours, after all.”

Tim does his very best.

Jakobs Cove seems a lot darker – and _way_ spookier – without Ned there with him, and Tim sits on one of the benches staring at the Fast Travel station after his doctor is digistructed into the system. He’s not sure how long it’s going to take Ned to ‘settle in’ aboard Helios, but he knows that he shouldn’t stay here moping. His best bet would be to haul ass back to the treehouse where Tim knows he’ll be safe, but what better way to put his mind at ease than to snoop around?

He’s wanted to spend some time in the Cove itself for a while now, but hadn’t wanted to beg Ned for it – now that he’s by himself, he can explore to his heart’s content. Of course, now he doesn’t really feel like it…but maybe Tim can just look around until Ned contacts him. 

Tim’s first order of business is to look around for the speakers that have, apparently, been playing a pre-recorded message from the Jakobs Corporation since the original outbreak. He finds two of them, and searches for the power cables – if he can trace those back to whatever generator they’re hooked up to, Tim can finally turn off the message. 

He traces the lines into the village and up to a large generator. It looks easy enough to power down once he pries off the cover, so Tim makes a mental note to look for a crowbar in one of the houses. He pays a visit to the Jakobs vendor first, though, and spends several minutes sighing over the sniper rifle with gold filigree that matches his pistol – once Jakobs starts paying him, Tim’s _definitely_ going to buy that one first.

By the time he’s finished making a list of which guns he’d buy next, Tim realizes that he’s actually feeling a lot better. He pokes around a few of the houses on the upper levels before heading to the beach, wanting to look at the houses that have been built out on the water. He’s been curious about those since his arrival and as Tim gazes at the nearest one, he realizes that there’s nothing stopping him from grabbing a rowboat and going out there to check it out. He’s halfway to his destination when his ECHO buzzes with the receipt of a message, but Tim waits until he’s tying up the boat on the dock before he checks it.

** _Everything ok?_ **

_I haven’t been eaten yet, if that’s what you mean,_ Tim writes back. _How is Helios?_

** _It smells weird up here, and I think Ted short-sheeted the bed. Have you licked the paint off the Jakobs vendor yet? Blake says hi._ **

Tim smiles. _Sounds like you’re jealous. I’m checking out one of the houses on the water – it looked smaller from the beach! Tell Jeff I say hi, too._

** _Don’t fall off, and look out for ghosts. I’ll call you later._ **

_Okay. Behave yourself._

** _Make me._ **

Ghosts! Tim frowns at the screen before he clips the ECHO back on his belt and starts up the rickety stairs. He nearly falls through three of the steps before realizing that he needs to check the wood for rot before putting his full weight on it. By the time Tim’s halfway up, he’s not sure he wants to get to the top anymore…but he’s gone this far, so he might as well.

The wind, as it does with _all_ tall objects, buffets the house and makes it sway alarmingly. Tim carefully steps over the last rotten piece of wood and collapses on the top platform with a sigh of relief. From up here Tim can see all of Jakobs Cove, and he reaches for his ECHO so that he can take a few pictures as proof, since a certain someone will inevitably call him a liar when he brags about being here. 

There’s a strange groaning sound as he stands up after capturing the photos he wants, and Tim pauses to look around. “_Ghosts_,” he mutters derisively, opening the door to the house so that he can take a peek inside. “Ned, you dumbass.” There’s nothing to distinguish this house from any of the ones he’s already wandered through down in the Cove, except for a picture of the weirdest hat he’s ever seen – it looks like it was made out of either corks or corncobs. Tim didn’t even know anyone on Pandora’s ever seen corn before, so it’s probably cork.

He’s leaving the house when the sound comes again, only this time it’s accompanied by a sound that he recognizes…the sound of splintering wood. “Oh, no. No, no, no…don’t even _tell_ me-” the platform gives a sudden lurch to one side, and Tim dives for the steps. “_Shit!_”

Tim berates himself for being stupid enough to climb up here in the first place. Why had he _ever_ thought this was a good idea? He goes down the stairs as quickly as he dares, heart in his mouth. One of the steps disintegrates right when he puts a foot on it and Tim grabs for the rail as more pieces of the wood supports begin to crack. He’s glued into place clutching the railing, as if the house won’t collapse if he just stays still enough, and it seems to actually be _working_…for about five seconds, and the whole damned thing catches a gust of wind that finally compromises its balance. It starts tipping, Tim starts screaming, and he struggles to hold on as he’s slowly but surely dragged down into the water.

He surfaces amidst the wreckage and claws his way to the side of the house, pulling himself up and gasping for air. Tim’s heart is hammering against his ribs and he’s pretty sure he’s wet himself from fright, though nobody’s going to be able to tell. The house is slowly sinking beneath the water, so Tim crosses his fingers that the boat hasn’t been crushed. Looking around frantically, he finally spots it drifting away from him – and away from the shore.

Tim doesn’t have anywhere to put his ECHO device or his pistol so they won’t be submerged for an extended period of time; he’ll just have to take his chances. He wipes the hair out of his eyes and sighs, glaring down at the ruins of the house that he just _had_ to visit. “Stupid house,” Tim grumbles before lowering himself back in the water and swimming towards his runaway boat. 

By the time he retrieves the damned boat and rows back to shore, Tim’s too exhausted to even care that a group of corpse eaters have gathered overhead. “Count yourselves lucky that I don’t have a magazine,” he tells them. “It’d be too soggy to hit you with, anyway.” Once he’s caught his breath, Tim scrapes himself off of the dock and makes sure the boat is tied up securely before lurching his way over to the Bleeding Heart Infirmary. 

Ned keeps a change of clothes behind his desk, so Tim struggles out of his wet things and dries himself off on a suspiciously-stained towel, then gets dressed in clothing that’s roughly twice his size. It reminds him of his first day in Fyrestone - he’d borrowed a set of Ned’s clothes then, too. Tim _could_ go out and get a dry outfit from the Quick Change but for now it’s nice to relax wearing Ned’s shirt. If he were a complete and total loser, he’d be thinking about how it’s almost like he’s wrapped up in Ned’s arms.

It’s a good thing that he’s not thinking anything of the kind.

Okay, maybe he smelled the shirt once or twice.

Three. Three times. But that’s it.

Tim takes another surreptitious whiff of _Eau de Blanco_, which does not count at _all_, and realizes that he can detect definite undertones of bladeflower liquor. It makes wearing Ned’s clothes feel _much_ less romantic, which he supposes was what he was aiming for anyway. Sighing in disappointment is also much less effective when the person he’s disappointed in isn’t even there, so Tim saves his breath and decides to do some snooping around instead.

He finds numerous papers with chemical formulae on them, and sets those aside in favor of the envelope discovered hidden on the very bottom of the middle drawer in Ned’s desk. Part of him feels bad for invading Ned’s privacy like this, but he _is_ bound by a contract to find out things about Ned for the Jakobs corporation. When Tim opens the envelope, however, he’s surprised to find that there are pictures inside.

Ned had promised to show him some photos earlier, but they’d both forgotten about it. Tim carefully shakes the pictures free and picks them up – they look pretty old, so he’ll need to be gentle. The first one is of a thin, dark-haired woman who can only be the triplets’ mother. Tim sets it aside and lifts up the second; this one features both of Ned’s parents, and Tim smiles to see just how much Ned resembles them. 

He finds a few pictures of the triplets as babies, which is pretty much the best thing he’s ever seen, but all he can do is stare in astonishment when he finally sees a photo of them as young men. All three of them are distractingly handsome in present-day, which really should have prepared Tim for this, but…he is _not_ prepared. “Wow,” Tim mutters, trying to remind himself to blink. “_Wow_.” He’d never known that _anyone_ could be that good looking. It kind of feels like a personal attack.

Tim finishes sighing over the pictures and checks on his ECHO device to see if it’s started working again – it is, but it’s still too soon to tell if his pistol will recover from his involuntary swimming trip. He tucks it back in the holster and shoves his feet into his waterlogged boots, then heads out to the Quick Change to get some dry footwear.

He feels less self-conscious about using the employee codes this time because he’s technically an employee…even if Jakobs hasn’t paid him yet. From the looks of things, Tim’s going to need to spend his first paycheck on another pistol. Tim hops on one foot trying to put his clean socks on without having to sit down on something, and he spends a few minutes admiring his new boots before he decides that he’s going to actually accomplish something before he walks back to Hallow’s End.

A crowbar is located in the third home he burglarizes, so Tim pries off the generator’s cover and frowns at the tangle of wires inside. The cable leading to the speakers on the dock had a particular pattern of chevrons on it, and Tim finds it quickly. “Okay, so it _looks_ like I can just pull this out, and-” he grunts with the effort it takes to yank the cable out, and when it finally detaches Tim’s flung backwards. He catches himself on a nearby stump and stands up again to survey his handiwork.

He can’t hear the pre-recorded message anymore, and he smiles happily. At least _something_ has worked out for him today, Tim thinks as he turns to pick up the generator’s metal cover.

The smile slips off of his face slowly as he realizes that there’s something seriously wrong here – the ever-present green glow of the defensive turrets is missing, as is the red laser guidance system. The only things that keep Jakobs Cove safe from zombies are sitting silently…because Tim’s just unplugged them.


	11. A ghoul-proof plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim’s bad day has to get worse before it gets better; it’s a scientific fact. Or something.

“Uh-oh.”

Feeling as though he can already feel rotten breath wafting across the back of his neck, Tim’s head swings back and forth wildly while he tries to locate where the cable went. “I’m gonna _die_, oh my _god_-!”

He finally finds the thing and promptly drops it, then takes it back to the generator where he fumbles it _again_. Wait, was that a groan…? No, it has to be just his imagination. “Oh my god,” Tim says again, but internally this time because what if he’s too busy screaming in panic to hear an actual zombie horde approaching? Shit! 

Tim shoves the cable into the appropriate slot and nearly messes up the prongs because he’s got it _upside down_. “Oh, fuck. _Fuck_ fuckity fuck.” He turns it around and plugs it in correctly, dancing from foot to foot nervously while he waits for the turrets to power up. After what seems like ages, Tim hears the looped recording come back on. “_The Jakobs Corporation would like to remind you…”_

He looks at the turrets expectantly, only to see that they’re green-lit but not actually working. Should he reboot them on purpose, this time? No, that’s probably not going to help anything. Maybe there’s something he needs to reset manually on each one? “Oh, no. Oh, my god. Um. Okay,” Tim pants, sure that he’s about to hyperventilate and pass out right there. All the zombies will have to do is shuffle on up and take a bite while he’s flaked out on the boards. Tim jogs for the closest turret while reaching a hand back for his ECHO device, then checks his surroundings quickly before searching for the turret’s serial number. He looks around again and carefully plugs in the search terms into the ECHOnet browser, rocking back and forth while the results slowly load.

It turns out that he’s entered an ‘o’ where it should be a zero, so Tim has to retype the whole thing again. “Okay. Okay, um…no, that’s not it…okay. Uh…‘recalibrate using the keypad’ – wait, these have _keypads_? Oh, it’s on the _other_ side. Okay, I can do that. Yes.”

He repeats the recalibration code over and over as he types it in, and almost starts to cry when the turret finally powers on. “Oh, thank fuck, it _worked_ \- !”

One down, two to go.

Tim runs for the turret closest to the path he’ll be taking to Hallow’s End, and his stomach drops to his shoes as he sees the first zombies shambling towards him. It’s not going to be a problem, of course, thanks to the code that…has completely slipped his mind. Oh, no. What was it, again? He messes up the code twice before forcing himself to take a breath. All he has to do is to look it up again and he’ll be long gone before the new arrivals are forcibly persuaded to get the hell off of his lawn.

Picking up his ECHO and fully expecting to see the code still on the screen, Tim is met with a message stating that there are network connectivity issues. “_What the…!”_

Okay, back to panicking.

“God damned _shit_, I can’t be_lieve_ this – fucking _ECHOnet_ hub, Jesus _Christ_!” Tim wipes the sweat from his forehead, jabbing his finger at the screen to reload it. The progress meter is _crawling_. It’s becoming unpleasantly clear that he’s actually going to have to fight some of the zombies without using his pistol. He _could_ back up to the first turret, but there’s no guarantee that just one will be enough – and Tim has no idea how many zombies are actually coming. If he backs down now, it could mean that Jakobs Cove will be completely overrun. He’d also rather not have to call Ned down for help, because how embarrassing would it be to admit that he’s the one who turned off the turrets in the first place?

Like he keeps reminding Ned; he’s a Vault Hunter – and it’s time to start acting like one.

The first thing he does is look around for anything he can use as a weapon – there’s some rocks handy, which will do for some long-range work, and a few tree branches for the up close and personal situations. Tim scoops up a rock and eyes the closest zombie carefully before drawing his arm back and letting the rock fly…too bad it goes about five feet to the left instead of actually hitting anything. “Dammit!” The second rock clips the zombie’s shoulder, sending it off at an angle so that it blunders into a tangle of vegetation. Tim sends a few more rocks flying before he checks the loading bar – it’s nearly halfway there. _Only halfway?_ At this rate, he’s as likely to die from old age as he is from zombification.

His undead visitors are starting to spread out too far for rocks to be of much help, so it’s time to get the branches and do a little herding. Tim grabs a branch in each hand, using them as extensions of his own arms – he’s able to push them back, but it’s not going to work forever since there are still more coming towards him. Hopefully the page will load soon and he can input the code before any Threes show up to kill him. 

Tim checks the screen one last time before herding in earnest, trying to keep them as spread out as possible without causing anyone to stumble around behind him. It’s almost _too_ easy, and he tries not to think too hard about everything that could (and probably will) go wrong.

His plan of defense abruptly starts to unravel with the arrival of his least favorite number. 

“_Fuck_,” Tim groans, feeling himself break out into a cold sweat. He has no idea how he’s supposed to deal with a Three armed with only a pair of branches – even if he still had any rocks left, something tells him that the Three would only throw it right back at him. Tim doesn’t even dare to check his ECHO.

It’s not doing much of anything yet, just standing there and staring at Tim – _studying_ him – while the others lurch past with their mindless groans. Tim licks his lips nervously and scoots backwards, intending on running past the sole operating turret if the Three charges him. It continues to watch him back up and Tim doesn’t understand why it doesn’t just go for him; maybe it thinks that he has a gun.

He’s so busy worrying over the Three, he isn’t careful enough to avoid doing exactly what the Three is actually waiting for; the back of Tim’s heel hits an exposed section of tree roots, and he finds himself sprawled on the ground with the smartest zombie alive rushing towards him. Tim throws one arm up defensively, as if it’s going to do any good – and then he finds himself coated with rotted brain matter as the Three’s head disintegrates.

The other two turrets have finally reset themselves, never mind that he thought he could only turn them back on manually – and Tim falls back to the ground. He feels numb, which he supposes is probably the onset of shock. Pure reflex makes him lick his lips as he tries to make sense of what’s just happened, but that just reminds him that he has bits of Three all over his face. “Heeuuurrrgh,” Tim groans, flopping over on his side to vomit noisily on that damned bundle of roots.

Serves them right.

He rolls back over and wipes at his face, staring up at the canopy of trees overhead while he listens to the turrets finish off the rest of his visitors. Tim’s hands are shaking so badly, he can barely clean his face off and he’d laugh about it if he thought anything about it was funny. Ned hasn’t even been gone for three hours and Tim’s almost died twice. Maybe he _should_ just turn around and use the Fast Travel.

Tim stays flaked out on the ground for a few more minutes before scraping himself off the moss and heading back to the Bleeding Heart Infirmary. He’s pretty sure that there’s some alcohol stashed in there somewhere, and he finds it in one of the bottom desk drawers. Tim leans back in Ned’s chair and takes a fortifying swig of…whatever it is, and concentrates on the way the rotgut burns its way down his throat. It gives him a coughing fit, but he _does_ start to feel better.

He stays until he’s feeling up to traveling to Hallows End; the last thing he wants to do is to show up in Fyrestone coated in zombie goo. Tim changes back into his wet clothing and wads Ned’s ruined outfit into a ball that he can take back with him, then discovers to his delight that his pistol simply needed to dry out. _Ned_ won’t be delighted, because Tim makes the discovery by accidentally shooting a hole in the wall.

The journey back to Hallows End is a pleasantly uneventful one, almost as if word’s gone out somehow about the debacle in Jakobs Cove and nobody wants to see if Tim’s brought a turret with him. He struggles with the hand-cranked elevator – mostly because he’s completely forgotten the day’s randomized hiding spot for the actual _crank_, something else he’s definitely not telling Ned about – and leaves a trail of clothes on the floor as he makes his way to the bathroom for a shower. 

Tim decides to turn that into a bath, the way he usually does whenever he sees the huge tub that had been hauled up here somehow. Sinking down until his chin is just above the water, Tim closes his eyes and finally starts to relax. He supposes that he won’t have much time for relaxation once Ned comes back and they work on the zombie inoculations… maybe that’s a good thing, though. He’ll probably be sick and tired of being by himself soon; he’s kind of tired of it _now_, especially since he’s made such a mess of things. Who knows what kind of trouble he’ll get into next?

The kind of trouble he’d _rather_ be getting into is up on Helios. 

He settles back in the water and daydreams about finally getting to do what he wants to Ned, then thinks about how Ned seems to be restraining himself lately. Not even _lately_ \- if Tim really thinks about it, he can pinpoint the change to the time immediately after they’d first had sex. He hadn’t been in a space where he could think of anything Ned had done as abnormal, and it’s still not _that_ strange, but Tim has the sense that Ned hadn’t ‘accidentally’ been too rough at all. Ned’s been nothing but a solicitous, gentle partner ever since…but while Tim appreciates it, he wouldn’t mind a little roughness now and then. There are times when he re-lives the worst moments of his captivity, but those times are greatly outnumbered by the experiences he’s had since.

Tim realizes with a start that he’d nearly fallen asleep – and with his current string of bad luck, he’d probably drown. He washes himself quickly and dries off on the way upstairs to Ned’s room, where he crawls into the big bed and curls up beneath the covers for a nap. The morning’s stress lifts from Tim’s shoulders as he appropriates Ned’s side of the bed, and he’s finally able to fall asleep knowing that he’s safe.

He sleeps through the normal time that he usually has his midday meal, and is starving when he wakes several hours later. Tim feels too comfortable to move, however hungry he is, so he closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of the treehouse settling (settling for whatever it can get, Ned likes to joke) on its foundation. It’s warm under the covers and the pillow still smells like Ned’s soap – there’s another lingering scent on the sheets that makes Tim smile as he stretches his arms above his head. 

Realizing that he’ll probably never get to sleep at a decent time if he doesn’t get out of bed now, Tim yawns and pushes the covers aside. He gets dressed and takes the towel back to the bathroom, then picks up his discarded clothing before going to find some food. His stomach rumbles loudly as he rummages through the refrigerated unit and Tim gasps upon seeing that not only is there enough food for him, but that Ned’s actually prepared a few containers and left warming instructions taped to them. The thoughtful gesture nearly brings tears to Tim’s eyes; he’s never had anyone do anything like this for him before.

Tim checks his ECHO messages as he heats up one of the meals, then does a double-take when he sees that Jakobs has finally paid him. It seems as though they’d added some sort of recruitment bonus as well as the back pay, so now Tim can afford to clear out the entire Jakobs vendor and still have plenty left over. It’s the first time in his life that he’s actually had a surplus of money, and Tim stares at the figure in disbelief. He can do anything he _wants_ to with it. 

He daydreams about what he could buy with the kind of money he’s just made, but is forced to abandon that particular train of thought when he realizes that his food has grown cold and needs to be reheated again. 

Maybe he could buy something nice for Ned, Tim thinks as he eats. It would be only fair, since he’d earned the money for being an official tattletale. He’ll figure something out.

Tim draws the ECHOpad back across the table and reads Blake’s latest message, which concerns the Semi-Annual Hyperion Corporation Job Fair and Finger Gun Competition. He’s not interested in either of those things but he doesn’t want to hurt Blake’s feelings by actually _admitting_ it…though the finger gun thing sounds more than a little weird. Tim pays closer attention to the enclosed corporate gossip, because it never hurts to be abreast of whatever current nonsense is happening; more often than not, it tends to impact the lives of people who’d never thought they’d have to worry about something like that. This time, something’s going on with Maliwan – Tim’s not too familiar with the company, but he _does_ like their guns.

He types a response, asking about the recent Helios developments and lying through his teeth about being too busy to attend the job fair…though he’s sure that Ned would happily provide some sort of sexy alibi if he asks. Tim wonders yet again about why Atlas calls it Ice Cream Day; is dessert _really_ involved, or is it some weird acronym?

Tim finishes his lunch, which has actually turned out to be his dinner because he slept so long, and cleans the kitchen while he thinks about what to do with the rest of his evening. There’s no way he’s leaving the house before dawn, so maybe he should just straighten the rest of the place up so everything’s nice and neat when Ned comes back. After that, he’ll need to pack a few things for his trip to Fyrestone and _then_ there should be something on the ECHOnet that he can watch.

Ned contacts him as promised when Tim’s nearly finished packing, and Tim turns towards the monitor with a relieved smile. “Hey!”

“_Hey, yourself. Whatcha up to?”_

“About 5’8” – give or take a few inches,” Tim jokes, taking in the sight of Ned dressed in his brother’s armor. “That’s an interesting outfit.” And _that’s_ putting it mildly; Tim wouldn’t mind being the one peeling it off of Ned’s body. Maybe he could leave most of it on…

Ned smiles and reaches a hand up to scratch at his head, rumpling his hair so that a chunk of it sticks straight up in the air. “_It’s a pain in the ass and you wouldn’t believe how sweaty it gets in here. Gimme a sec an’ I’ll take it off.”_

“You should probably take a shower to help with the itching,” Tim volunteers innocently. “Just take the tablet in with you so we can keep talking.”

“_You just wanna see me naked, you damn pervert. Um…I guess I could prop the thing just outside the shower,”_ Ned decides, looking down at the armor. “_I haven’t worn this since the day we busted you outta jail, but I’m pretty sure I can remember how it comes off.”_

Tim points out that if Ned’s already put it on, he should know how to take it off again but apparently that’s not the case at all… there’s a different set of hinges, or something. “Can you imagine being stuck in there until tomorrow night?”

“_Oh, Lord – don’t even** think** somethin’ like that,”_ Ned groans, hands moving faster on the armor as he searches for the release. “_Hang on, here it is!”_ He breathes a loud sigh of relief and Tim laughs and claps his hands. 

Ned flips him off in a good-natured fashion and concentrates on removing the armor, which means that Tim gets to sit back and watch. Not that he can see anything below Ned’s sternum, but even that’s well worth ogling. “It’s not fair that you can look so good and I can’t even touch you,” Tim sighs. He pushes away a sudden wash of sadness at the thought that this will be the first night in a long time when he hasn’t fallen asleep in Ned’s arms. He knows it’ll all be worth it when Ned gets back, and that they’ll both be more more appreciative of each other once they’re together again. It’s stupid to feel upset, really, over just one day apart.

His doctor seems to know exactly what’s going on because Ned immediately begins trying to distract him from his melancholy. “_Hey, you wanna see their place? Blake ain’t here, so I can walk around with my dick out if I want.”_ Without waiting for Tim’s reply, Ned lifts the tablet and begins walking with it. Tim rubs at his eyes as the view swoops past Ned’s bare legs and the camera is reoriented so that he can see what seems to be a _very_ expensive apartment. “_So, Blake’s actually in Sanctuary right now spankin’ the daylights outta Ted – he’s real into that kinda thing – and I’m sleepin’ over here.”_ Ned’s finger points to the largest couch Tim’s ever seen. He shows Tim the rest of the living area, takes him on a tour of the kitchen, and brings the tablet over to a resigned-looking Lt. Ballard. “_Look who’s here. Say hi to Tim, Derrick.”_

Ballard seems to be carefully avoiding looking at Ned’s midsection. “_Hello, Mister Lawrence.”_

“Hi again, Lieutenant. Ned, will you get out of his face! He doesn’t need to see your…uh, rod of Asclepius.”

In response, the view changes so that Tim can tell that Ned’s lowered the tablet to crotch level on purpose. “_Oh, he don’t mind – d’you mind, Derrick?_”

“Ned, stop that!”

Ballard looks everywhere but directly at the camera and the mysterious object partially obscuring Tim’s view. “_Don’t worry about me, sir, I’ve seen it all by now.”_

Ned finally starts moving through another room into what Tim recognizes as a bathroom, and he watches Ned’s attempts at propping the ECHOpad across from the shower. “That’s a nice bathroom,” Tim says admiringly.

“_Well, it ain’t the **beach** but I guess it’ll do,”_ Ned says, moving into the frame. “_You can hear me okay, right?”_

“Yes,” Tim confirms with another sigh because he can also _see_ Ned just fine, too. Ned gives him a thumbs-up and leans over to turn on the water, offering Tim a nice view of his tanned backside. Ned steps under the water and reaches for the soap while Tim asks for clarification about Blake’s whereabouts. “How’d you get him into Sanctuary? I thought that was locked off to non-residents.”

Ned sniffs at the soap, then puts it back and goes for the shampoo instead. “_I got the codes for it from Zed. Haven’t been there in a minute, but sometimes he needs a half-day off with Patty. We could go for a visit sometime, if you’re up for it.”_

“I’ll have to think about it. Anything interesting happen up there? Oh! Before I forget, Jeff mentioned something about a…_finger gun_ competition? Do you know anything about that?” Tim asks, trying not to drool over how good Ned looks with water running down his body. At this rate, he’ll die of pure unrequited lust before his lover returns to Hallows End. Ned, apparently oblivious to the uprising in Tim’s pants, soaps himself unhurriedly and explains about the competition – Tim doesn’t hear a thing.

“_…So yeah, it’s crazy as fuck,”_ Ned concludes, tipping his head back into the spray so that his hair lies flat against his skull. “_First time one of the accountants tried to get Ted into the game, he killed ‘em before he realized they didn’t even have a real gun_.” Ned laughs and shakes his head, then looks over at the tablet. “_Are you even listenin’ to me? You look like you’re off in your own li’l world or…oh, okay. Yeah. I get it, you fuckin’ horndog.”_ He laughs again and, grabbing another bottle, squirts a generous handful of product into his palm before reaching down. “_Here y’go.”_

Tim draws his bottom lip between his teeth and bites down slightly. “Thank you.”

“_Service with a smile; that’s me,”_ Ned says, stroking himself to a full and thoroughly impressive erection. “_Too bad I can’t just spread you wide right now.”_

“You’d have to let me suck it first,” Tim says boldly, rubbing his own dick through the fabric of his pants. “Anyway, it’s my turn.”

Ned tilts his head back against the patterned tiles, his hand still moving slowly. “_You think you can handle me, kid? Show me what you got; lemme see.”_

Tim licks his lips, clearing his throat nervously. “Okay, sure.” He moves the ECHOpad to where he can prop it up, then sits back in the chair before he realizes that he needs to take his pants off. “Oh, wait a second.” Tim’s never actually done this before, even though Wilhelm had asked him about it once, but he’s more than ready to try it. He stands up and shucks his pants quickly, blushing as he sits back down and parts his legs so that Ned can get a good look. “Um, how’s…this?”

“_That’s just perfect, sweetheart. Perfect,”_ Ned praises.

It starts off a little awkward, but it’s not really anything they haven’t done when they’ve been in the same room with each other so Tim is able to relax and enjoy himself. He masturbates slowly, eyes glued to the screen while Ned does the same, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt so comfortable doing anything like this. 

There’s never any need to be ashamed of himself when he’s with Ned. 

They stare at each other, and Tim’s body grows tense with a mixture of anticipation and desire as he watches Ned’s fist slip up and down that gorgeous dick. He wishes it were _his_ hand doing the touching. “God, you’re just…_perfect_,” Tim sighs. “I wish that…I wish…” He wishes for a _lot_ of things right now.

“_You gotta be patient; then you can have whatever you want, baby.”_ Ned’s hand moves faster. “_You’re gonna go off soon, I can tell. Show me everything.”_

“Okay,” Tim says breathlessly. He’s a lot closer than he’d like to be, because he really wants to _enjoy_ this…but his body has other ideas. Tim’s muscles tighten and the sound of his harsh breathing fills the room just moments before the pleasure grows to be too much. All the worries and stress of the day disappear as his back arches and he comes in surges that paint his stomach. “Ah, god,” Tim gasps, slumping against the back of the chair he’s been sitting in. He’s aware of some _very_ nice noises which he usually experiences right beside his own ear, and hastily opens his eyes. “Oh, no – I missed it, didn’t I?”

Ned is breathing deeply and leaning against the wall of the shower with a dreamy look on his face that tells Tim that yes, he’s definitely missed the main event. “_Huh?_”

Damn it.

Tim still feels too good to mind _that_ much; besides, he can always ask Ned for a repeat performance and there’s a 100% chance that Ned will readily oblige. “I didn’t see you have your turn,” Tim explains while Ned peels himself off of the tile and finishes washing himself quickly.

“_You can see it up close an’ personal when I get back down there.”_ Ned towels himself off and approaches the tablet, lifting it up and walking back to the other room with it. Not the room where Lt. Ballard is, thankfully. “_So what’re you plannin’ for the rest of the night?_” 

It’s not technically _night_ yet, given how weird Pandora’s days are, but Tim’s still getting used to the calendar and knows exactly what Ned means. “I thought I’d watch something on the ECHOnet before bed…hey. I _know_ Jeff’s got some kind of giant monitor at his place; why don’t we watch something together? I mean, if you _want_ to,” he says, suddenly feeling shy. “You know what? It’s okay, you probably had a long day and need to rest so-”

“_It’s all good, we can do that,”_ Ned interrupts gently. “_What station’re you thinkin’ of?”_

Tim smiles, relieved that Ned doesn’t think he’s being stupid. “Um…what about something funny?”

Ned’s slight smile turns into a laugh. “_I dunno, I already saw somethin’ pretty hilarious earlier.”_

“Oh, yeah? What was it?”

“_Some dumbass unpluggin’ all three turrets in Jakobs Cove,”_ Ned says casually.

Tim freezes in place. “What did you say? You _saw?_” But _this_ means… “The turrets didn’t reboot all by themselves, did they.” Had Ned been watching him make a fool of himself the entire time?

Ned sees Tim’s shift in expression, and correctly interprets the reason for it. “_There’s a failsafe built into the generator so I know when the power’s out, an’ I put up some cameras just in case a Three gets smart enough to bypass the turrets. Couldn’t do much from up here, but I _could_ send the code remotely t’help you out.”_

Oh. “Well, it definitely helped – I thought it was the end of the line for me, to be honest.”

“_You did good, kid. I got your back, though, in case your ‘good’ ain’t so great.”_

Tim’s starting to remember something that wasn’t that great, but _is_ very embarrassing. “Er…do those cameras, uh…transmit sound, too?”

Ned’s eyes brighten, and there’s a definite spasm happening near his jawline. “_Yep._”

“Oh my god,” Tim moans, hiding his face in his hands. “I thought the house falling down was bad, but now you know about _everything_. This is it; this is officially the worst day of my life.” When he looks back at the screen, wondering why Ned isn’t teasing him about it, he finds the doctor staring at him. “What’s wrong?”

“_What d’you mean, a house fell down.”_

“It was an accident,” Tim says defensively.

“_I ain’t lettin’ you outta my sight next time. How could you knock a house down? You’re, like, ten pounds soakin’ wet!”_

“I said it was an accident,” Tim says again, but louder this time. Maybe an increase in volume will really get the point across. “Let’s watch a movie; you wanted to watch a movie, right?”

“_Okay, but **how**_…”

It’s going to be a long night.


	12. Sex, Drugs, and Rakk and Roll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim goes to Fyrestone and reconnects with Pandora’s favorite doctors.

Tim wakes up to the sound of a deafening snort, and opens his eyes in time to see Ned fall off of the couch and onto the floor. “_Fuck!_”

Rubbing his hands over his face as he yawns, Tim leans over to peer at the screen – he’d meant to turn it off hours ago. They’d stayed up late talking and had each propped up their respective ECHO pads on pillows so it was just like they were talking to each other in bed. “Are you okay?”

Ned groans and pulls himself back into view, looking rumpled and grumpy. “_Yeah…shit, I just forgot I wasn’t s’posed to roll over too far. Sorry I woke you up. Today’s gonna be a bitch and a half.”_

“You could’ve slept in Jeff’s bed; I know he wouldn’t mind,” Tim points out.

“_Maybe not, but d’you know who **else** sleeps in that damn bed? D’you know what **happens** in there?”_

“Uhhh…the same thing that happens in yours?”

“_Exactly.”_ Ned laments the schedule he’s been given, which includes at least three different surgeries before lunchtime, and promises to call Tim that evening. “_Try not to fall off **or** knock down nothin’. Don’t unplug shit, neither.”_

Tim promises that _he’ll_ be the one behaving himself this time, and this time their goodbyes are a lot less emotionally fraught. It’s not as early as he’d gathered from Ned’s reaction, but it’s past the time he’d wanted to leave so he really needs to get going. His bag is packed and ready, so all he needs to do is to get dressed and eat something before making a final sweep of the house.

The turrets in Jakobs Cove are still very much operational, and Tim steps over a few corpses to get to the boardwalk. ‘Corpse’ is such a weird name. Shouldn’t they have another name, if they’re the dead bodies of…dead bodies? Maybe he can look that up on the ECHOnet once he gets in Fyrestone – Tim knows only too well that the connectivity here in the Cove isn’t worth a damn. 

Tim’s hit by an unholy blast of heat when he’s digistructed into Fyrestone, and he hurriedly yanks off the jacket that he’s grown used to wearing in Jakobs Cove’s cooler climate. He looks around at the first place on Pandora that he’d actually felt welcome, and smiles at the sight of the skags wandering around where they’d had that stupid contest. Blake had looked _hilarious_. 

He continues on towards the motel, eager to see how the renovations are coming along, and smiles again when he remembers Ned’s expressive shudder of disgust about the bed he refused to sleep in. Tim stops to look at the outside, leaning in close to see how Zed has filled in all the cracks and various bullet holes, but decides not to go inside upon hearing a…well, he’ll just call it a _noise_. He tiptoes away as silently (and as swiftly) as humanly possible, and tries to find the best spot to wait until Zed and Patricia are finished doing what they’re doing.

Tim can’t go past into Fyrestone because if he comes _from_ there, they’ll be able to tell that he walked past the motel. If he goes up to the Stockade, they‘ll wonder why he went _there_ instead of going into Fyrestone and then they will _also_ be able to tell that he was near the motel. He’s going to have to go back to the Fast Travel and find some shade that he can stand in until they’re done – surely it can’t take _that_ long. Patricia’s joints had been bothering her when Tim was here the last time, so it can only have gotten worse; she’s not going to want any kind of marathon sex.

Hopefully.

He can’t believe it’s so damned _hot_ out here!

Tim walks back to the Fast Travel station and finds a rusted Hyperion supply crate to sit down on while he makes sure none of the skags sneak up on him. He’s just started watching one of the skag pups chase its nonexistent tail when he hears a familiar voice calling to him. “Hey, kid.”

Looking around in surprise he finally realizes that Zed is above him, leaning over the side of the raised roadway. “Zed? But I thought you were-” Tim breaks off in confusion. “Is Patricia up there with you?”

“Nah, she’s in town…why’re you sittin’ out here? That pasty white look of yours is okay for some, but you’ll be red as hell in five minutes,” Zed tells him. “Drop your crap at the motel and c’mon up here.”

“Ah, I…was just there. I think Patricia is there, too. I actually thought _you_ were there, too, because of…I just thought _both_ of you…”

Zed stares down at him. “She prob’ly left the ECHOnet playin’ again, is all.”

Tim feels his cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. “Oh. Okay. I’ll, uh, just…go, then.”

“You do that,” Zed tells him, looking amused.

Firmly suppressing the urge to tiptoe, because he just _knows_ that if he turns around Zed will be watching him, Tim approaches the Fyrestone Motel once again. He hesitates as he reaches the door but pushes it open slowly. Tim’s not sure what’s worse; walking in on Patricia having sex with Zed, walking in on her having sex with someone _else_, or having to hear _any_ of the moaning and…wet…noises.

Tim hurries down the hall towards the room he’d stayed in previously, wondering what exactly is going on. Patricia hails him before he can open the room door. “Timothy!”

He slowly turns to peek over his shoulder. “Oh! Hi, I didn’t…didn’t see ya there.”

Patricia beckons to him imperiously. “Come here; I need your help with something.”

“Oh, um-”

“_Now_.”

“Er…you bet…?” Tim wonders what he’s going to do if she wants him to join in on whatever’s happening. He’ll probably run away. Yes, that’s a good plan – he’ll say that he has to use the bathroom and then, when she moves out of the way, Tim can get the hell out of there. “What exactly do you, um, need help with? If you don’t mind me asking?”

Patricia, who seems to have doubled in size since the last time he saw her, seizes him and propels him through her door of choice. “I have been researching something, and require your input. Given Ned’s similarity to Zed, it stands to reason that you would be the most likely to provide meaningful advice.”

Oh, God. She’s actually going to make him watch porn with her – no wonder Zed thought it was so funny. “I’m probably not the best person to ask and it’s not really _appropriate_-”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she scolds, hauling him over in front of the screen where two people are having enthusiastic sex. Patricia pauses to close the channel and brings up another screen featuring…

“Are those assault rifles?” 

“Well, they are not breakfast burritos,” Patricia points out. “Which one should I buy for Zed?”

“Why are you buying him an assault rifle?”

“Because it is more useful than a Handsome Jack doppelgänger,” she says tartly. “It is his _birthday_, Timothy, and all my research points to the necessity of procuring a gift.”

“Oh,” Tim says. “Well, I guess that makes sense.” It really doesn’t, though, because he would’ve thought that Zed might like something else – a new scalpel, maybe, or one of those ‘Pandora’s Best Doctor’ mugs. He leans in to look at the monitor – Zed won’t want anything by Hyperion, even if he barely tolerates Jeffrey Blake, and Tim can’t really see him with a Torgue or a Jakobs. Tediore could be a good choice. In the end, he narrows it down to either a Maliwan or a Vladof and leaves the final choice up to Patricia.

She makes a note of the brands on her ECHO device. “It will most likely be the Maliwan, I think. Zed has been feuding with Marcus again, and seeing a Vladof weapon might cause him to commit a crime of passion. Well. Passionate irritation.” Patricia turns off the ECHOnet and focuses on him. “Now. I have been breathlessly awaiting the tales of your adventures in Jakobs Cove. Clearly you have yet to be eaten by an undead creature of the evening, which means that you have eradicated the zombie menace completely or are simply too fast for any of them to catch you. Given what I know about Ned’s astounding laziness and his overactive libido, I doubt either of you have been doing much more than having sexual relations on every piece of moss you find.”

“It’s good to see you again, too,” Tim tells her. “Zed needs my help with something, so I should probably go…help. Outside. Away from here.”

Patricia’s eyes gleam with misplaced vindication. “I _knew_ it.”

“Okay, great,” Tim announces, backing towards the door. “See you later.”

“Yes, you certainly will.”

He makes his escape, and finds Zed still leaning against the barricade looking out over Fyrestone. “She make you watch porn with her?”

“Thankfully, no. Oh! Happy Birthday…oh, no,” Tim says, finally realizing something important. “If it’s _your_ birthday, then it’s _his_…”

Zed’s lips twitch. “That’s usually how it works.”

Why hadn’t anyone told him? Why hadn’t he asked Ned before now? There’s still so much he doesn’t know. “Is it today? How old are…I mean, which birthday is it?” What is he supposed to give Ned as a gift?

“We’re gonna be sixteen, obviously,” Zed says drily. “Just get him a case of Zaford whiskey so he can get an expensive buzz for ten whole minutes…it’s not ‘til next week, anyhow.” 

“Oh. Okay.” Tim is _definitely_ not giving Ned any more alcohol – for all he knows, Ned’s sauced out of his mind up on Helios at this very minute. Hopefully not while he’s in surgery. He’ll figure something out. “So, what can I help you with?”

Zed glances over at him. “Help?”

“Well, yeah. You told me to come up here – didn’t you want me to help you with something?”

“Nope.” The other man looks back down into Fyrestone with a sigh. “Doin’ all right with Ned? You look better’n you did.”

Tim wonders what that’s supposed to mean. “Everything’s fine.”

“Good.” 

They talk about the motel renovations for a while, then lapse into a strangely comfortable silence while they lean over the side of the Hyperion Info Stockade watching the skags. Tim thinks it’s funny how different his relationships with the triplets really are – just a short time ago, Zed was ready to toss him headfirst into one of the skag dens down below them. He’s managed to win acceptance from Zed and possibly even friendship, too. Ned is more complicated; they’re not exactly _dating_ or anything, but they’re definitely friends. Friends who have a lot of really great sex and are kinda/sorta coworkers. Ted just makes Tim feel like he’s going to pee his pants.

Tim starts thinking about Ned again, especially about how different his doctor really is from his brothers. “What was Ned like when he was younger?”

Zed sighs, shifting his weight against the barrier. “Shorter.”

“Ha, ha. Seriously…what was he like?”

They walk back along the road, and Tim glances over to see Zed staring into space as he thinks about it. “He was always ready to start some shit, play a prank. You never saw anyone half as naughty in your life. Still won’t, when it comes down to it…that’s prob’ly never gonna change.”

Tim laughs. “Probably not.”

“Not sure exactly what you wanna know. He was smart as hell, even back then. Sneaky with it, too, know what I mean?” Zed pauses, and shakes his head. “One time he conned a group of miners outta their tools when he contacted ‘em through ECHO and said town council needed to inspect all their equipment ‘fore they could get a permit. Set up a dead drop, fake name, everything. Those fools fell for it, offloaded their gear…and Ned repainted all of it while they argued with the mayor who said he never heard of them before. They were real pissed off at losin’ their stuff so Ned comes up, sells their own shit right back to ‘em and they didn’t realize it. He took so much time doin’ all that, he coulda made the same money if not more just doin’ honest work – but he put one over on ‘em so it was a win in his eyes.”

Now that, Tim thinks, sounds _exactly_ like the Ned that he knows. “Uh, Zed? Would you mind if…can I just ask…?”

“You wanna know why he turned into a drunk.”

“Well…yeah.”

“You ask _him_ why?” Zed asks, pressing the button that operates the lift platform.

Tim meets Zed’s eyes. “Yes.”

“Ask again ‘til he tells you the truth,” is all Zed offers. “Now, seriously – Tricia have smut goin’ on in there, or what.”

“Oh, er…”

“I _knew_ it. Wasn’t anything weird, was it? Forewarned is forearmed, Lawrence.” Tim has to explain that he hadn’t dared to look towards the screen, and Zed _hmmph_s in disappointment. “She’s gonna spring somethin’ crazy on me, I just know it.“

Tim can’t help himself; they’re getting along so well, he’s going to have to ruin it. “I thought I heard some rakk noises.”

“Kid, I will kick you off the edge of this god damned platform,” Zed threatens. He glares at Tim the rest of the way down, which seems a _lot_ slower than Tim remembered from last time.

Patricia meets them by the fence, talking into her ECHOrecorder about the various things she’s found in skag piles this week. “While there is no direct correlation between the calcification of materials found nearest the run-off and the steady mutative effects of slag, it is only a matter of time before the answer reveals itself.” She turns the device off and looks up at them. “If you two have finished gossiping, I require a test subject.”

“He can do it,” Zed says immediately, putting a hand between Tim’s shoulder blades and shoving him forward. “I got stuff to do in town.”

“You do not have any _stuff_ to do, Zed. I need both of you; come along,” Patricia orders, turning on her heel and walking back to the motel with the clear expectation that they’ll be following.

“When you said there were rakks…that was just a joke, right? Tell me that was a joke,” Zed hisses.

Tim looks away before he starts laughing. “Yeah, I was just kidding. She turned it off as soon as I walked in the room.”

“Okay, good.” Zed explains that you never knew, with Patricia, and they’re not to speak of this again. They shake hands on it, and follow her into the motel where it soon becomes clear that she was definitely _not_ kidding about the whole ‘human experiment’ thing because she has a jar of slag and a hypodermic needle set out on the counter. “Honey, what the hell!”

“I would only inject a small amount-”

“_No_.”

“You are no fun. Timothy?”

“Er…no, thanks?”

“Unbelievable,” Patricia complains. “I’ve already tested it on rakks, and – what is wrong with you _now_? Are you having a seizure?”

Tim doesn’t even dare to look over at Zed. “He’ll be fine. I don’t suppose you need help with anything that doesn’t involve injections?”

“As a matter of fact, I need one of you to move this dresser to the far side of the room. Under the window.” She gestures to the furniture and then to the indicated spot. “Feel free to remove your shirts beforehand.”

Zed points out that she’s already watched enough porn - _and_ ECHOnet soft drink commercials - for the day. “You grab that end an’ I’ll get this one,” he says.

They move the dresser to the place she wants it, then to a different part of the room when Patricia changes her mind. It’s not worth Tim’s life to comment on her ‘nesting’ instincts, because he’s not entirely sure that Zed’s going to let the whole ‘rakk’ thing slide, and he doesn’t think that Patricia might appreciate it either. It _is_ kind of cute how she seems to have gone into all-ahead baby mode, though. 

Maybe he could use some of his paychecks to buy something for the baby. A nice crib, or maybe some clothing in case they already have furniture picked out. Babies always need clothes, don’t they? The image of a miniature Zed wearing goggles and a Jakobs onesie makes him snort.

“Somethin’ funny, Lawrence?”

“Yes,” Tim says, meeting Zed’s eyes and refusing to look away. 

They stare at each other for a long moment, during which time Zed undergoes the most interesting face journey Tim’s ever seen, then Patricia interrupts with a few questions for Tim. “What progress has been made about the living dead, Timothy? I would not mind coming for a visit so I can study one of them up close.”

“That is _so_ not happenin’.”

“If one is properly restrained-”

“_No_.”

Patricia throws up her hands in frustration. “Do you _see_ what I am up against!”

“If you weren’t up against me a few months back, you could go take a look. Since you were, though, you can just stay here where the only one’s gonna bite ya is me…long as you ask nice,” Zed shoots back. “Maybe they can livestream it or somethin’.”

They go back outside to look at one of the slag heaps, because Zed has been thinking about finally cleaning it up and Patricia doesn’t think the surrounding area will be safe even if all of the slag is removed. For his part, Tim is busy thinking about what he’d recently livestreamed with Ned – he doesn’t think that they’ll be able to do anything similar when Ned calls to check in.

“I bet Hyperion could get it cleaned up a lot faster than we could,” Tim says. “Since they’re responsible for making the mess, why not make them fix it? I could ask Jeff.” He sees Zed’s face darken, and waves his hands to forestall the inevitable refusal. “No, seriously – I’d just say it’d be reparations and you wouldn’t even need to thank him. Not that you would, anyway,” Tim adds. He’s definitely going to ask Blake for it as a favor, and he _is_ going to be nice whether Zed likes it or not; Zed doesn’t even have to know. 

Patricia agrees that Tim should be ‘astoundingly’ rude and her opinion soon sways Zed’s – so that matter is settled. They walk back out to the motel and sit around the side talking. Tim decides to broach the subject of the triplet’s upcoming birthday once again. “What would _you_ want for your birthday?”

Zed shrugs and tilts his head so that he can watch Patricia. “What does any man want? Anal.”

Patricia whips around to look at him, and Tim buries his face in his cup when Zed waggles his eyebrows suggestively at her. “You must be joking.”

“I never said I wanted it from _you_.” Laughing, Zed dodges the slap Patricia sends his way. “See that, Lawrence? One in the oven and their sense of humor’s just gone in the breeze.”

“I will show you what’s about to be gone,” Patricia threatens, but Tim can see the smile lurking in her eyes. “Pandoran oaf.”

They’re discussing the latest ‘corporation’ drama (mainly, what it’s going to do to the price of firearms and which planets are likely to find themselves in the crosshairs) when the Fast Travel lights up. “Tricia?” Zed asks sharply.

She shakes her head and pulls a repeater from a concealed holster, tossing it over to him. “Where did you even have space to _hide_ that?” Tim wonders. “My revolver is inside; should I go get it?”

Zed stands up to peer over at the station, but then thumbs the safety back on and relaxes. “Nah. You can go over there, though – this one’s here for you.”

Tim finds himself purposefully shooed towards the Fast Travel and he’s trying to think of who can possibly be ‘here’ for him when he sees that it’s Ned, dressed in Ted’s armor. “_Ned!_” He races forward and flings himself into Ned’s arms, kissing and being kissed in return. “I thought you were coming later,” Tim sighs happily, burying his face in Ned’s neck.

“Well, I can come back later if you want-”

“No! Don’t you dare,” Tim warns, tightening his grip. “Oh, you smell so nice..do you always smell this good?”

“I sure hope so,” Ned laughs. “Jeff got called back early, so Ted cut his day short to go back with him – an’ that means I’m all yours.”

Tim draws back to inspect Ned in the borrowed armor. “Lucky me,” he says, and means it. “You don’t have to give that back right away, do you?”

“Why? Want me to chase you ‘round the treehouse?”

He should be beyond blushing about sex, especially since they’ve been together for a while now, but Tim’s nervous system has yet to get the message. “Yes,” he admits.

“Okay.” Ned gives him a look that has only ever led to good things whenever Tim has seen it. “I’d do it now ‘steada waitin’ for later, but I guess Zed’s watchin’ us right now.”

“He _did_ tell me that I should be the one to come out here, but I didn’t know it was going to be you.” Tim slides his hands over the armored chest plate, looking for the seams. “Where does this open?”

Ned promises to show him later and they share a quick kiss before he gently turns Tim back towards the motel. “Any problems today?”

“I didn’t knock over any more houses, if _that’s_ what you mean…”

“It wasn’t, so don’t get all pissy at me. You’ll wanna keep on my good side if you want that wish of yours t’come true,” Ned tells him. “I been prepared for a couple of hours already and it ain’t the most comfortable feelin’ in the world.” He refuses to explain just what he means by that and quickly changes the subject.

Tim’s still thinking about it as they walk back to greet Zed and Patricia, who makes them all examine the size of her ankles before demanding to know what Ned has stolen from Helios this time. “You been stealin’ from up there?” Zed asks incredulously.

“Maybe – why d’you wanna know? Gonna tattle on me?”

“Who’m I gonna tattle to? Blake? Hell; if I’d known I coulda given you a freaking wish list,” Zed tells him, leaning back in his chair and drawing Patricia’s legs across his lap. “What’d you get so far?”

Ned shrugs. “Oh, you know – the usual. Towels, bathrobes, itty bitty shampoo bottles…the plans for a portable competitor deterrence field…”

“You did _not_.”

“Why, you want one?”

“Hell yeah, I do; that’ll keep the skags outta town.”

“I know a lady in Hollow Point who can whip up a few. I’ll see that you get…two? Three?”

They settle on two, and Tim wonders if he should say anything about it to either Blake or Ned himself – but then again, Blake knows that Ned works for Jakobs so he’d also know that having an employee of a rival corporation aboard Helios would be a risk. Ned is unbelievably smart, but Tim’s known him long enough to know that he’s definitely not a hacker - anything that Ned could access would realistically be fair game. 

He turns his thoughts back to Ned’s earlier comment – what had he meant, about Tim’s wish coming true? It had been an odd thing to say, especially since they’d just been discussing…oh. This is about what he’d told Ned when they’d been down in that creepy old Dahl bunker. Tim turns towards Ned, who looks back at him questioningly. “It’s nothing, I was just…oh, my god.” It hits him like a bolt of lightning, and now Tim knows _exactly_ what Ned had meant about being prepared. He can feel his face heat with the full-body blush he just _knows_ is happening, and Ned’s eyes brighten with suppressed laughter. “Ned, oh my _god_.”

“What? What is it?” Patricia asks, scenting embarrassment like it’s blood in the water.

“It’s nothin,’” Ned assures her, gazing at Tim and trying not to laugh. “Right, Timbo?”

Tim flaps his hands in front of his face in a frantic effort to cool off. “Uh huh.”

“The hell’s _wrong_ with y’all,” Zed complains. “Go bang it out or whatnot; we don’t need to hear or see it.”

“I guess you could call it an inside joke,” Ned says. “Just…y’know, plug your ears.”

Tim’s flapping intensifies. “Stop it!”

Patricia frowns, and Zed’s stare moves from Ned to Tim slowly. Tim is helpless to prevent the conclusions being drawn behind Zed’s eyes, but they’re definitely being made and it’s very clear when Point A is connected to Point B because Zed abruptly bolts upright in his chair. “_Ned!_”

“What is happening?” Patricia cries. Zed twists in his seat to look at her meaningfully and mouths a few words while she tries to read his lips. “He…is a big thug?”

Zed claps a hand over his eyes and begins to laugh. “Lord have _mercy._”

Tim wishes the ground would just swallow him up – he should’ve never said anything. Ned, for his part, simply seems as amused as ever. “Now we got that over with, y’all should check out the traps I designed while I was up on the H. We could practice on Patty.”

“Ooh,” Patricia says, delighted. “I would like that _very_ much.”

Zed stops laughing. “I don’t like it at _all_.” And just like that, the moment is forgotten – by Zed and Patricia, at least. Ned gives the barest wink when he sees that Tim’s still watching him. 

It’s distracting enough to have Ned wearing the armor because he looks so good, but Tim is in agony now that he knows he’s finally going to be the one in control later. Just thinking about it makes him hard, and Ned decides to put him out of his misery when the others start noticing that something’s not quite as it should be. “I can borrow some of your stuff, right?” Ned calls to his brother. “Gonna sweat to death in this tin can if I don’t take it off.”

“Yeah, you know where it is. Listen, we’re gonna head back to Sanctuary for a bit – Tricia’s got some work she needs t’do, and Lawrence here looks like he’s fixin’ to die if he has to wait ten more seconds to get at you. We might be back later, we might not. Be back in the mornin’ in any case, if y’all plan to stick around that long.”

Ned confirms that they’ll stay the night. Tim disappears into the motel on the thin excuse that he needs to find something, even though all he’s looking for is his own composure. “I’m sorry I ruined your time with Zed. I was just…really surprised,” Tim confesses when he hears Ned’s footsteps behind him.

“It sure looked like it.”

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you, or anything, either.”

“Takes more’n that, believe me.” Ned’s arms come around him, and Tim leans back against the warm metal chestplate. “Here’s what we’ll do – I’mma go take a shower ‘cause it’s hot as sin in this thing. _You_ make sure you’re ready to get some soon as I come back out. Sound good?”

Tim swallows with difficulty. “Yeah. That sounds…great.”

Ned reaches down to palm the ridge of Tim’s erection, giving it a squeeze. “Better make sure it’s good enough so I’ll let you do it whenever you want,” he murmurs in Tim’s ear. Ned laughs softly and closes his teeth on the back of Tim’s neck, biting down hard enough to leave tooth marks before he leaves for the shower. “Don’t disappoint me.”

Tim rubs at the indentations on his skin; he should have known that Ned was going to be like this, taking charge even when it’s supposed to be Tim’s turn. Maybe he can turn that to his advantage somehow…

…and maybe Rakk Hives could fly. 

He’ll figure something out.

The plumbing in the Fyrestone Motel is old enough to be deafening whenever anyone’s using the water, so Tim is aware of the exact moment that Ned’s shower begins. The memory of watching Ned take a shower up on Helios has him walking towards the bathroom, because he knows _exactly_ what he’s going to do.


	13. Dope on a Rope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim conquers Mt. Blanco [insert joke about dropping the soap here]

Ned turns towards him in surprise as Tim yanks the curtain aside. “Face the wall,” Tim orders. “Put your hands up there, and don’t move.”

“You gotta be kiddin’ m-”

“Turn around…and for once in your life, Ned? Shut your _mouth_.” Tim waits and, wonder of all wonders, Ned actually does what he’s told. Not without a smirk, though. Tim takes his clothes off and steps into the shower enclosure, finally getting to touch all that tanned skin. He runs his hands over Ned’s back slowly, tracing the circuit board patterned scars that are almost like a puzzle.

Tim moves forward and licks the water from Ned’s spine, enjoying the way Ned shudders at it. He trails his fingers along the broad, muscular shoulders and follows them with his mouth before reaching around to trace Ned’s ribs. “I love how big you are,” Tim sighs, kissing behind Ned’s ear and pressing close. It’s nice that he doesn’t have to worry about anyone else overhearing them, or interrupting them, and there are no zombies shuffling about. “You’re, like, twice my size.”

He drops a hand to Ned’s dick. “I love _this_, too.” Pressing another kiss to Ned’s left shoulder blade, Tim rubs his own erection against Ned’s ass…which reminds him…

His doctor makes a noise, shifting slightly when Tim moves to touch his tailbone. “So, did you _really_…?” His fingertips brush the broad, flat base of the toy and Ned goes still. “Jesus; you really did.” It’s actually pretty smart for him to have thought of it, Tim thinks; when he had the body double surgery, every part of his body was altered so that he’d be Jack’s mirror image. Jack was not only a huge dick, but his actual dick was _also_ huge; Ned’s decision to wear a plug is really nothing more than self-preservation. “That’s pretty hot.”

“Long as _you_ think so,” Ned says breathlessly, because Tim’s rocking his fingers against the base of the toy.

“I think so,” Tim murmurs. He pushes against it to make Ned’s hands curl against the chipped tile wall, but decides to leave off the teasing because something tells him that it’s been quite a while since Ned’s allowed anyone to top him. “Let’s get you washed off so we can go to bed.” 

Ned immediately turns to kiss him, and they rub against each other for a little while before Tim pulls away to reach for the soap. He insists on washing Ned and they turn it into foreplay, exchanging kisses and stroking each other. The small bathroom fills with steam and Tim wants to stay there forever with Ned’s mouth on his, warm water slicking down their bodies as they rub against each other.

They make their way into their bedroom, which is really just the room that Ned had stayed in the last time they were here in Fyrestone, and then they’re on the bed. “So, uh…it’s been a minute. For me, I mean,” Ned tells him, the mask of bravado slipping a little to show the nervousness beneath. “So no laughin’ or I’ll beat your ass – and not in the fun way, neither.”

“I wouldn’t laugh at you,” Tim promises. “I’ll be careful, I swear.”

“Okay.” Ned hooks his thumb towards the bedside table, and Tim has to sprawl across his lover’s body in order to reach it – inside the top drawer is a box of condoms, a bottle of lubricant, and several InstaHealths. Tim grabs the bottle and two of the condoms in case one of them breaks, and tucks his choices under the pillow before dropping down onto Ned. 

They kiss slowly, and Tim enjoys the feeling of Ned spread out beneath him, holding him close. Next time it’s Ned’s turn, he thinks he’d like being held in place just like this while Ned drives up into him. “I missed you. I really missed you,” Tim whispers. 

“Wasn’t gone long enough for you t’miss,” Ned tells him just as softly, closing his hands around Tim’s waist. 

“Yes,” Tim says, giving the curve of Ned’s throat a long lick before sucking on his pulse point, “you were.” He kisses Ned again, angling his body so that Ned’s cock rubs against his hip. They move against each other, mouths still connected.

He scoots down between Ned’s legs and briefly touches his tongue to the tip of Ned’s leaking phallus, then takes the thick length in his mouth slowly. Ned makes an appreciative noise, dropping a hand to rest atop Tim’s head…and his hand curls into a fist when Tim begins to play with the plug still inside of his body. “_Fuck._” Tim begins to pull the toy out, just far enough so that he can get a good grip on it, and moves it back and forth until he’s fucking Ned with it. 

Tim loves how Ned is squirming and fighting to stay silent; there’s no way he’ll be able to keep from making noise when it’s _Tim_ inside him like that. He draws the plug out completely and moves up to kneel between Ned’s spread thighs. “This is gonna be so _good_,” Tim says, his voice gone husky and his body tight with anticipation. He reaches over to grab a condom, tearing the foil packet with his teeth while Ned’s eyes follow the motion. “Ready?”

Ned shivers as Tim’s dick brushes his entrance when Tim leans over again to pick up the bottle of lube. “Yeah.”

He probably ends up using way too much, but Tim guesses that it’s better to have and not need…and this way he’s not going to end up hurting Ned, which is the last thing he wants to do. Tim shuffles forward and lines himself up, then slowly presses in – and it’s times like this when he’s forcibly reminded of just how much the surgery actually changed him. Ned’s back arches and the doctor makes a sound like someone’s just punched all the air from his lungs. 

Tim rocks back and forth slowly, rubbing the powerful thighs resting on either side of his, and looks down at their owner. “You okay?” Ned has one of his arms across his eyes, and the other is pressed up against the headboard. Tim’s not sure he really likes the way Ned thinks he has to hide his face. 

Ned releases his death grip on the bed’s frame and gives Tim a ‘hurry up’ gesture; both of his hands move to make fists in the sheets when Tim continues the slow push inside. God, it feels good. Tim drops down over Ned because it feels like he’ll die if he can’t kiss that open, panting mouth. Their lips mash together inelegantly with the click of two pairs of teeth bumping each other, and Ned’s arms chain around him.

His own need matches Ned’s if it doesn’t outpace it altogether, but Tim had promised to be careful. “Too fast,” he mutters against Ned’s lips.

Ned makes an irritated growl to ensure that Tim knows he’s not happy with this decision. Tim purposely slows down even though every part of him is screaming at him to go fast and hard until they both come. Ned’s back arches again when Tim pulls out and pushes back in. “Gonna fuckin’ kill me,” Ned moans in protest.

“It’d be worth it, though, huh,” Tim groans back. “Stop _moving_.”

“Can’t…can’t help it. _Fuck_.” 

Ned’s hands slide up Tim’s back and tangle in his hair, kneading as Tim settles into a slow, steady rhythm. Tim plants both hand on either side of Ned’s torso, gasping at the intense sensation of his lover’s body clenching around him. Ned tugs Tim’s head down to his so that their foreheads touch.

Sweat is trickling down his spine, the bed is creaking ominously, and he’s not sure if they remembered to lock the door…but Tim doesn’t think it’s _ever_ been like this between them before. Not just because he’s pitching, either – the pace is slower, for one thing, and despite that they’ve had sex numerous times by now this just seems _intimate_. The fact that Ned is trusting him enough for this, that he’s vulnerable in a way that goes beyond the physical, makes Tim’s chest feel tight. 

The sound of their heavy breathing, punctuated by gasps of pleasure, fills the room and fills Tim’s ears until his control starts to slip. “Ned, I’m-” The look of dreamy bliss on Ned’s face shifts into pure devilment, and Tim bites back a yelp when Ned immediately clamps down on him. “That’s cheating.”

“Is it?” Ned asks interestedly. He opens his mouth to say something else, but Tim shoves his hips forward and Ned quickly loses any interest in being a jerk. His fingers dig into Tim’s skin so hard that Tim knows he’ll have bruises later; the pain reminds him of what he’s already resolved to allow.

Tim braces himself and begins to thrust as hard and as fast as he’d wanted to in the beginning. Ned throws an arm up against the headboard to help himself push back against Tim, and the fingers of his other hand slide between their bodies so that he can help himself in another area altogether. Tim pauses briefly to lean down and lick up one of the tracks of perspiration shining on Ned’s throat, loving the way his lover’s head is thrown back in absolute abandonment to pleasure. He’s definitely not hiding his face _now_. “You feel so good-”

“Don’t be weird,” Ned gasps. “_Harder_.”

He obliges and is able to ride out exactly two seconds of Ned’s orgasm before his own hits. Tim grasps Ned’s hips and pushes in deep, nearly sobbing with the intensity of his climax. “Oh, god. Ned, I…_fuck_,” Tim sighs, his entire body trembling as he drops down into Ned’s arms. 

They lay there in an ungainly heap while the old ceiling fan hums above them with an occasional squeak, drying the sweat from their bodies. After a few minutes Tim feels Ned shift slightly, then sigh. “That was nice an’ all, but I’m gettin’ a cramp.”

“Oh! Yeah, sorry,” Tim apologizes, extricating himself to clean up. Ned rolls to one side, pillowing his head on an arm and yawning as he watches Tim through heavily lidded eyes. “So…you really thought it was nice?”

Ned stretches, shrugs. “It was okay.”

“Right,” Tim says with a smile, coming to lie back down. “One of these days you’ll tell the truth and surprise everyone.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Ned warns, but pulls Tim over all the same for a cuddle. “I’m glad you didn’t get hurt or nothin’ – in Jakobs Cove, I mean. You’re much too young to throw out your back fuckin’ me.”

Tim laughs and burrows into Ned’s arms, relaxing against his partner. “Jakobs Cove was…a challenge, and I’m pretty sure I failed it.”

“Oh, now. You gotta fuck up ‘fore you learn what _not_ t’do. Now you know, right?”

“That’s true enough.” Tim glances up, and feels his chest tighten at Ned’s answering smile. “Did you really figure out the trap problem while you were gone?”

“Sure did. I made up some plans and tested a couple – we’ll need to go back to your favorite Dahl bunker to scrounge for supplies ‘cause they need to be built on site,” Ned yawns. “You really wanna talk about that now?”

No, not really. 

He falls asleep with Ned’s fingers combing through his hair gently, and wakes later to find that he’s being used as a coat rack. “Do you mind?”

“Nope,” Ned says cheerfully, tossing another article of clothing on top of him. “Hey, you think blue would look good on me?”

Tim struggles out from beneath the small mountain of apparel, pushing his hair off of his forehead. “You look good in anything, especially nothing at all.”

Ned snorts. “Hell, yeah. You hungry?”

“I could eat,” Tim admits.

He pulls on his pants and hunts for his socks while Ned continues to sort through the clothes, explaining that it’s Ted’s old stash that Zed had never gotten rid of. Apparently now that Terror Triplet is officially back amongst the living, Zed feels no more guilt about wanting the closet space. Tim’s not entirely sure why Ned just doesn’t use the Quick Change, but he knows enough to keep his mouth shut about it.

The motel’s pantry leaves a lot to be desired when they go in the kitchen to look for food, so Ned suggests that they visit the Highlands and have dinner at a bar there. “Patty probably ate everything in here. I know a lady there who’d trade supplies for medicine, name of Karima.”

Karima? The name sounds vaguely familiar. “I wouldn’t mind seeing more of the planet,” Tim says. “I haven’t been to the Highlands before; what’s it like?”

“It’ll be colder’n Fyrestone, so maybe put a shirt on,” Ned tells him with a wink.

After leaving a note for Patricia and Zed, they use the Fast Travel station and end up in a place that Tim has actually been to before. Kind of. “This is Overlook,” he says in surprise. “They had the Vault Hunter Tournament here. What was it called? The…VH Factor, I think.”

“Yeah; you watched that? What a mess – Claptrap fucked up the whole town. Karima’s just over this way,” Ned says, and Tim follows without explaining that he didn’t actually _watch_ the fiasco; he relived it. Overlook looks a lot different than the version found in the little steward bot’s consciousness, though Tim’s not sure why he’s surprised since he’d first experienced Fyrestone there as well. 

He opts to wait for Ned by the town’s notice board and walks over to look at the bounties and odd jobs that have been posted there. Zed has some kind of small mailbox there, for some reason. Ned comes back silently, announcing his presence by pinching Tim’s ass. “Hey!” Tim punches Ned in the arm in retaliation. “How’d it go?”

“Trade went just fine. She’s got more rakk wings than she needs an’ she’ll toss in some tubers. We can pick it up ‘fore we leave.”

“What’d you trade her for all that?” Tim asks to distract himself from the knowledge that Zed will murder him for sure when he sees what kind of meat they’re bringing back. 

Ned indicates the way to the bar…and Tim can’t be certain, but he thinks it might have been where the old church had burned down. “A threesome with us, so bring your ‘A’ game.”

“You’re hilarious.”

“Heh heh.”

It turns out that the Holy Spirits pub really _is_ where half of the church used to be, and parts of it are constructed from the salvaged timber. The rest of the church is still propped up behind the bar, looking like it might collapse at any moment. They walk inside and Tim is honestly surprised when heads start turning in their direction and the place goes quiet. “What’s going…oh. Oh,” he says in realization, shock spreading with the flush of heat that starts at the back of his neck. He can’t believe how stupid he is, that he’s actually _forgotten_. “I’m sorry, I should-”

Ned slings an arm across his shoulders and leads him over to the bar, introducing him to the nervous looking man in a bowler hat behind it. “Hey, Col; like you t’meet Tim. He’s one of the body doubles. Tim, this’s Colin,” Ned says carelessly. “What do y’all got on special tonight?”

The man brightens considerably. “Glad to meet you, Jim. Body double, eh? I don’t envy you one bit, but if…”

“Ned,” Ned says.

“…if Ned here can vouch for you, I think we can find you a table.”

Tim glances around self-consciously, noting that the word seems to be quickly spreading. “It’s Tim, actually, but um. Thanks. I like what you’ve done with the place.”

“Now, Jim, what is _that_ supposed to mean?” 

It gets quiet again, as if everyone is holding their breath, but Ned slams his palm down on the bar with enough force to make both Tim and Colin jump. “First of all, Colin _Zaford_, he’s only bein’ polite ‘cause I told him this used to be a fuckin’ _church_. Secondly…I _do_ vouch for this boy, so I’d keep my trap shut if I wanted that vendor in the bathroom to stay right where it is. Y’know. If I was you.” Ned leans over the bar with a smile on his lips and murder in his eyes. Tim shouldn’t find it as hot as he does. 

Colin swallows hard. “You bet, Doc. What’ll you be havin’, then?”

“Two plates, four pints, one bottle. Be a doll an’ bring it upstairs, wouldja?” Ned asks, still sounding as friendly as can be. “C’mon, Timbo. We’ll take the high ground.”

He leads Tim up a flight of stairs where they choose a table and Ned situates himself in the corner where he can see everything that’s going on. “Okay, so what was that…? Not that I’m not glad that you could take care of, uh, whatever that was.”

Ned’s gaze sweeps the room before settling on Tim. “Quick and dirty version is that this’s one of the only places you can still find a Zaford. There was a clan war a few years back an’ the Hodunks nearly wiped ‘em out, so Colin owes us for keepin’ up the vendor and Zed patched him up when he had one foot in the ol’ pot of gold…you feel me? Every so often we come in, check the stock, get a comped meal.”

“I didn’t mean to cause a scene,” Tim says, looking down at the dirty tabletop. “Can you believe that I actually forgot?”

Ned reaches over and lifts his chin back up with a gentle touch. “‘Course I can. Truth is, so did I – you’re just…_you_.” Tim leans into Ned’s palm as the doctor’s hand unfolds to cup Tim’s cheek. “Maybe I missed you a _little_.”

Tim smiles. “You weren’t gone long enough to miss me.”

“Oh, okay,” Ned laughs, pulling his hand back just enough to tap Tim’s mouth with the back of it in a gentle slap. “Wiseass.”

Tim captures Ned’s hand with both of his and brings it to his mouth, rubbing his lips over the scarred knuckles. “They’re not going to poison our food, right?”

“They won’t poison _mine_, that’s for damn sure,” Ned says. “Still, can’t hurt to remind that loser he still needs to watch out.” He brings Tim’s hands down to the tabletop and covers them with his, resisting Tim’s attempts to pull back when Colin Zaford approaches their table. “You get time to take a nap, Colin, ‘cause it sure looked like you needed one earlier.”

The other man looks at Tim, down at their joined hands, and away again. “Yeah, I’m…sorry about that, Ned. It’s been a day.” He places two glasses of something on the table in front of them, and Tim eyes the chipped rim of his suspiciously. Had they even washed it first?

“Don’t worry ‘bout it.” Ned smiles, and releases Tim’s hands to reach across the table. He hooks his fingers around the pint glass and pushes it over to Colin. “Tell you what. Tim ain’t a big drinker, so whyn’t you go ahead and have his? Might help you relax, take the edge off.”

Colin fidgets just enough to make Ned’s eyes narrow, but then he reaches out to grab the glass. Tim and Ned glance at each other as Colin chugs the beer, wiping his sleeve across his mouth once it’s empty. “The damned Hodunks trashed the Rotgut Distillery; we found out just this morning,” Colin says gloomily. “Like it’s not enough that they’ve already planted most of us six feet deep.”

Tim’s not entirely sure what this is supposed to mean, but Ned leans back in his chair with a thoughtful look on his face. “They wouldn’t’ve smashed any of the goods, I don’t think.”

“Almost all the equipment’s broken, including the vats. Everything else was taken; hell if I know where.” Colin nods his thanks when Ned slides his own glass over.

Despite the strange reception he’d gotten, Tim finds himself feeling sorry for the man as they hear more of the story. “Can we help?”

“Not unless you happen to know someone who could make those inbred bastards cough up the remaining stash and fix my family’s distillery,” Colin sighs. “I’ll be right back with your dinner, lads.”

Tim turns to look at Ned as soon as the other man walks back down the stairs. “Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“Why d’you care?” Ned asks, studying him.

“I don’t know, exactly. I just…do. Ned, please.”

Ned sighs, pushing his hands through his hair in a gesture of defeat. “Fine. One of them Vault Hunters up in Sanctuary owes me a favor.”

Tim could kiss him, and he would if the table weren’t in the way. Colin comes back with plates of food, nearly crying when Ned tells him that his problem will be mostly taken care of – the actual repairs will need to be completed by someone who knows what they’re doing and the Vault Hunter is bound to be a lot better at killing than they are at engineering. Ned makes sure that Colin knows exactly who to thank for it, and Tim makes his first friend in the Highlands.

They eat and while the food is good, it doesn’t measure up to Ned’s cooking. “You’re probably better at _everything_,” Tim says, smiling at the effect that his praise is having on Ned. “Even the way you threatened him when we first came in – I could never do that.”

“Big, bad Vault Hunter like you? Go on, pull the other one,” Ned teases. “Speakin’ of that, though, I’d better give Maya a call ‘fore I forget about it.”

“Maya? Is that the one who owes you?”

“Yup. Fixed up her plus one a ways back. She’s got, like, a pet Psycho or somethin’ – I dunno. He’s a good kid but kinda…_out there_, if you know what I mean.” Ned makes a circling gesture next to his right temple and reaches for his ECHO device. Tim listens quietly as Ned explains the situation, and he gets up to stretch his legs and look around while Ned handles the details. 

He wanders down the stairs to check out the graffiti in the bathroom, then stops to inspect the slot machine – it reminds him of the ones in Concordia. One of the bar’s patrons pauses on their way past, lifting a hand in greeting. “Oh. Hi,” Tim says, smiling nervously.

“Heyooo!”

Okay, then. “Right, uh, right back atcha.” He turns to watch the guy head into the bathroom. “That was weird.”

“Oh, that’s just Steve,” Ned says, coming down the stairs. 

“You know him? How can you even tell with that mask?”

Tim’s assured that everyone knows Steve, and Ned leads him outside. “Sorry that didn’t go so great. Just wanted you t’have a nice night away from Jakobs Cove.”

“It wasn’t bad at all,” Tim protests.

“It wasn’t perfect though,” Ned tells him. “Can’t believe I actually _forgot_ that you… well. Let’s go get that stuff from Karima.”

“Can’t we stay to talk to Maya?”

“No, we abso_lutely_ cannot. Not in this lifetime.”

Tim wonders why Ned’s in such a bad mood – he thought they’d been having a good time. He doesn’t appreciate Ned’s tone with him, either. “I want to meet her.”

“No,” Ned says flatly.

“What’s wrong with you?” Tim demands, finally getting angry. “In case you haven’t forgotten, you don’t own me. Is this some kind of payback for earlier, because you weren’t in full control for the entire time? Is that it? You always have to-”

Ned rounds on him. “You got the nerve to ask what’s wrong with _me?_ Maya’s one of them that killed Jack, you fuckin’ idiot! What d’you think she’d do if she rolled up with Krieg? Lemme tell you what she’d do – she’d Phaselock your skinny ass while he split your skull open with a buzz axe,” Ned says coldly, jabbing his finger into Tim’s breastbone hard enough to bruise. “Maybe after that they’d stop and say, ‘what was that you were tryin’ to tell us before?’ but it’d be too late for you, wouldn’t it? But then, I _don’t_ own you. You can do whatever the fuck you want.”

Tim watches in silence as Ned walks away from him. He’s not sure _what_ to think – or what to _say_. They’d been having a good time…hadn’t they?

In the end, he decides to follow because he knows that he’s not really the one that Ned’s mad at. Ned’s beside the Fast Travel transferring parcels of meat into one of the discarded Hyperion crates that seem to be everywhere on Pandora. “Do you need some help?”

“I got it,” Ned says, and Tim knows him well enough by now to know that he’s feeling ashamed of himself. “Listen-”

“It’s okay; I understand,” Tim says. “I _also_ don’t want to be murdered by….uh, what _is_ a Krieg, anyway?”

Ned glances over at him with a sigh. “It ain’t only that. I mean, I just wanted to take you somewhere different like I said earlier. All I’m really doin’ is fuckin’ everything up – guess it’s what I’m best at.”

“That’s not true at all, and you know it.” Tim hip-bumps Ned affectionately. “Did you overreact? Yeah, you did. But you did it because you don’t want me to get hurt; anger can be a natural response to fear.” He definitely remembers a few times Wilhelm had gotten angry when Tim had a close call with some Scavs up on Elpis. “Let’s get back to Fyrestone.”

“That’s…that’s it?” Ned seems amazed.

“What? Was I supposed to still be mad at you?” Tim smiles and slips his hand into Ned’s, squeezing tightly. “I’ll save being mad for something that _really_ deserves it, like toenail clippings left out somewhere.”

“I don’t do that,” Ned insists hastily.

“I never said you did, but a hit skag will roar,” Tim teases him. “Besides…you’re sorry, aren’t you?”

Ned rubs at the side of his neck and drops his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Good.” Tim leans over for a kiss, and pats Ned’s chest. “We really _do_ need to get that stuff back and I hope we’re not still there when Zed finds out what’s in his fridge.”

“What’s wrong with rakk wings?” Ned wonders.


	14. Two Out of Five Ain’t Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to the old Dahl bunker doesn’t _quite_ go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t shake the idea of Ned and Tim tiptoeing around the Cove with flashlights like they’re Shaggy and Scooby Doo...ruh-roh....

Tim is convinced that there’s no way they’re going to outwit the Threes – after all, the cages are being built right under their noses. Ned insists that as long as they act naturally around the zombies, which makes absolutely no sense at all, the Threes will be fooled into thinking that the cages are for something different.

Ned has declined to say precisely what the Threes are meant to think the cages are for, which is just…_typical_.

At least the plans are relatively simple. They’ve assembled as much as they can with the supplies they have, and are currently sneaking through the area just below the treehouse – Tim’s not really sure why but he’s out there anyway. “What are we doing?”

Ned pauses to look over at him with an expression that shouts ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ without him needing to say a thing. “We’re _sneakin’_.”

“Can’t we sneak during the day cycle?”

“All those student loans and you didn’t learn a damn thing. It’s the miracle of modern education,” Ned says wonderingly. “No, we can’t.”

“I hope you’re not going to say it’s because it’s nighttime and they can’t see us, because they can definitely see us and you should definitely know that.”

Ned snorts. “Everyone’s a critic.” 

Tim’s pretty sure that Ned has completely forgotten that the zombie have night vision, but he’s not expecting a confession any time soon. “Okay, then. Why are we sneaking, if you’ll pardon my lack of miraculous modern education?”

“You think the only time you’ll have to be out an’ about is during the daytime, smarty pants? What happens when you drop your super-special-fancy Jakobs pistol somewhere, and you really need it, but you can’t see a damned thing?”

“I’m not gonna drop my _super-special_…” Tim pats at his holster, finding it empty. “What the -!”

“What happens when your super-special-fancy _sugar daddy_ drops it?”

“I am going to _kill_ you, is what happens! Where is it, Ned?” Tim yells. 

There’s just enough light for him to see Ned shrug. “How’m I s’posed to know? It’s dark out.”

If this is all just a weird ploy to get Tim to feel him up… “You’re the worst, Ned. I _really_ hope you know that.” Snatching the flashlight that Ned holds out to him, Tim makes a disgusted sound and points the beam around in the vain hope that it will catch the gold inlay of his gun. He searches for a few minutes, during which time Ned reaches to check something on his ECHO device, then Tim switches off the flashlight and steps behind a tree.

It takes a few moments before Ned realizes that Tim’s not there. “Tim, what the _hell_.” Tim shrinks back into cover as Ned sighs and puts his hands on his hips. “I ain’t even gonna look; you’re not gettin me with this one.”

Tim waits while Ned shoves the ECHO device back on his belt with a curse and starts to turn around in a circle, glaring into the darkness. When Ned stalks off in the wrong direction, still swearing under his breath, Tim follows and leaps on his back with a yell. “Gotcha!”

Ned makes a sound that reminds Tim of what happened one time when a Lost Legion soldier got zapped by an electric grenade mod, and unseats Tim by dropping to one knee and going into some sort of roll. “You _piece_ of – god_damn_it, Tim! Stop laughin’ at me!”

Tim waves his hands helplessly in the air. “You just…you just…the _sound_ you just made – ahahahahahaha_haaaaaaaaaaa!_”

“I will leave your ass _down_ here,” Ned yells, brushing himself off indignantly.

“Then you fucking _rolled_,” Tim laughs. “What the hell was that?”

Ned rubs his hands over his face. “You were on me – the hell was I s’posed to do? It ain’t _funny_,” he insists, but Tim can clearly see that Ned is starting to see how funny it really was because Ned’s fighting a smile. “You can’t do that shit to me! I’m old. I could die!”

Tim tries his best to get himself under control. “You’re not gonna _die_. Think of it as spontaneous cardio.”

“I’ll give you a spontaneous concussion,” Ned threatens, nudging him in the ribs with a boot. “Get your ass up outta the weeds, kid.” Ned reaches a hand down to help him up, and turns his light off. 

“What-”

“I can find the elevator. Can _you_?”

Tim sighs and looks up into the trees, trying to gauge his distance from the house. From where he’s standing, he can see the cupola as well as…is that the balcony? “You’re such a pain in the ass. I’ve told you that before, right?”

When he looks over, Ned’s holding the gun out to him. Tim snatches the pistol out of Ned’s hand and turns on his heel, leading the way around the massive tree trunk to the fenced-in courtyard. Ned pulls the cage door down while Tim fits the lever into the crank mechanism, muttering darkly about ill-behaved doctors. He then nearly drops the handle through a gap in the bars when Ned decides to approach him from behind and roar “Cardio!” directly in his ear. Tim flails in panic, clutching at his chest.

“Shove over; I’ll do it,” Ned tells him, reaching for the handle. “We’ll be in here ‘til next week, you go so damn slow.” He makes no mention of the revenge he’s just taken, but he _does_ smile when Tim kicks him in the shin.

In the morning, they leave for Generally Hospital – or, more precisely, the beach beyond the hospital. The last parts which Ned requires for the traps are down in the Dahl bunker somewhere and they have to leave early enough so that they can have enough time to search. They yawn their way through the graveyard, startling each other periodically with sudden movements and loud noises so that they’re both laughing like idiots by the time they reach the lift platform. “I want a nap when we get back,” Tim insists, peering off in the distance to see if he can spot any zombie rakk. There’s something flapping around out there, but he can’t tell if it’s just a corpse eater or not. “It wouldn’t be a problem if someone, who will remain anonymous, hadn’t insisted on _sneaking_ last night and scaring me half out of my mind. The adrenaline kept me up half the night.”

“You started it,” Ned points out. “And I meant what I said – we put these traps up, it ain’t gonna matter what time it is. We’ll have to get out there.”

Tim frowns. “That doesn’t make any sense. If we’re catching zombies, there’s no hurry.”

“There is when they get into one of the cages with the spring-loaded syringe…thingy. I don’t got a fancy name for it yet,” Ned says. “Remember what I showed you on the plans? They scoot on in, and when the door shuts on ‘em the pressure plates on the bottom release the antidote. Just think of what’ll happen if we suddenly got a cage full of fresh meat for the shufflers.”

“I thought we were just gonna catch a few and _then_ use the antidote.”

“Yeah, we were…but I figured it’d be easier to just get ‘em like this. What if one of us were leanin’ through the bars with a syringe and got bit?”

“I guess,” Tim concedes. “Oh my god, _look out!_”

Ned jumps in surprise, looking around wildly. “What? I don’t- _hey_,” he orders, swatting Tim’s arm. “Stop.”

“Got you again,” Tim says triumphantly. “What’s the score? 10-8?”

“9-8. First one did _not_ count.”

“It did, too!”

“It didn’t ‘cause I was off-balance from that rock. You can’t count it,” Ned insists. 

They argue the rest of the way to the beach. Tim keeps an eye out for creepy winged monstrosities while Ned opens the bunker, and they descend into the darkness. 

Ned doesn’t bother trying to lure Tim into a compromising position this time, which is almost as much a relief as it is irritating. Tim _knows_ that there’s more to life than sex; _everyone_ knows that, but he also likes feeling irresistible. “Stupid,” he mutters to himself before raising his voice. “What exactly do we need from here?”

“Wires, switches…shit like that,” Ned says, walking off into the darkness to switch on the lighting. “There’s a control room over yonder. I figure we can gut the place, take more’n we need so there’s extra in case of a fuck-up.”

It doesn’t take them long to salvage enough for the cages, though Tim still thinks the extra step of automatic injections is unnecessary – if there’s two of them, one could easily distract the zombie while the other one reached in with the syringe…but this is Ned’s idea, and Tim has no problem supporting him in his endeavors. It’ll give him a good story for his Jakobs contacts, at any rate.

Tim is handed one of the boxes while Ned takes the other two, completely ignoring Tim’s half-hearted attempt at a seductive pose. It’s kind of hard to be alluring while trying to make sure not to drop something. “Oh, come on!”

“You okay over there?” Ned asks absently as he looks around one last time. “Huh.”

“I’m fine,” Tim scowls.

“Good, ‘cause it feels like I’m forgetting somethin’ and it’s right _there_ but it just won’t come to me,” Ned says, slowly backing up the incline to the bunker’s entrance. “We’ll be back in Hallows End ‘fore I remember it ‘cause that’s just the way these things go.” They bring the boxes up onto the beach and Ned hits the button to seal the door as he crouches next to what they’ve salvaged, muttering to himself.

Tim suggests that Ned look at the plans he’d brought with them. “Maybe that would help; I don’t know.”

Ned looks up sharply. “Shit! _That’s_ what’s still down there.” He reaches out reflexively, and it’s like everything goes into slow motion – Tim starts forward to stop him, but it’s too late. The bunker’s door closes on the first two fingers of Ned’s left hand, severing them at the knuckle. Ned’s body jerks and Tim watches the initial look of shocked disbelief slowly melt into pained horror. “Oh.”

“Are you okay?” Tim hears himself ask. _Stupid_. Of course he’s not. 

Ned lifts his hand to stare at the wound - _wounds_ \- as they fill with blood that begins to slide down his wrist and drip onto the sand. “Uh. It just…they’re…”

Gone, Tim thinks. _Jesus_. “Um…okay. What do I do?”

Ned looks up at him, green eyes wide and uncomprehending. “What?”

“Your hand, you need a doctor – well, _you’re_ a doctor…obviously…but we should probably…oh, wait. A bandage, right? I should – yeah,” Tim says. He knows he’s babbling, but he has no idea what he should do right now. Aside from bandaging Ned’s hand. He yanks his shirt off and pulls on it as hard as he can, finally creating a hole big enough so that he can tear the fabric into strips. 

He winds several of them around Ned’s hand, hoping that he’s pressing hard enough to staunch the steady flow of blood. Tim doesn’t even know if they brought an InstaHealth or not – probably not, because why would they have needed one? “That was…real fuckin’ stupid,” Ned murmurs, still looking dazed. 

“I won’t argue with that,” Tim says. “What do I do now?”

Ned looks at the makeshift bandage, his brows furrowing as he forces his mind to work. “Got any more of these left?” 

Tim hands them over and hovers protectively while Ned wraps the cloth strips slowly. “We should get you back to the treehouse so I can call Zed.”

“Leave Zed outta this.” Ned insists upon getting Tim to reopen the bunker, which is probably the last thing they need to be doing right now, but he wants his plans _and_ his fingers back. It’s easier to humor him so that Tim can get Ned back to Hallows End as soon as possible, even if Ned refuses to leave any of the components behind. They compromise on leaving one of the boxes in the closest beachfront house and taking the rest. Tim voices his displeasure with Ned’s insistence on still carrying one of them, because it’s very clear that Ned is in a _lot_ of pain.

One argument Tim ends up winning is over leaving the damned boxes in the lift once they get back. He’s worried himself into a stomachache by the time they’re in the house’s abandoned operating room and Ned is directing him towards different instruments, ointments, and bandages. “Least now I got a test subject for my formula,” Ned says. His breath is coming in short puffs. “I’ma need you to inject it, though. Can I count on you for that?”

“Your formu– oh, you mean the…the limb regrowth stuff?” Tim asks, startled. He’d forgotten all about that, but it definitely makes sense for Ned to try it since the severed fingers were kind of squished. And by ‘kind of’, he really means ‘mostly gelatinous’. “Ned, you know I’m here for you.”

Ned asks him to bring in a few more supplies; namely, a case of something Tim had hoped Ned forgot was even in the house. Tim leaves Ned peeling off the bloody mess wrapped around the stumps of his fingers and goes to retrieve the box of liquor. They’d been doing so well lately…this could threaten everything, and they both know it. The old excuses pop into Tim’s head as he stands gazing down at the box. He can’t refuse to bring it; if there’s ever a situation that requires Ned to get as drunk as possible, it’s got to be this. Just because he’ll have a drink doesn’t even mean that he won’t stop. 

Ned needs it. Tim really _can’t_ say no.

He carries the box back in to where Ned is trying to clean the wound, his face gray with pain. Tim always thought all those ECHO dramas, where someone had a limb chopped off and were fine ten seconds later, were totally unrealistic – and the reality is that it’s a hundred times worse. He can’t stand seeing _anyone_ in pain, and now that it’s Ned who’s hurting…it hurts _him_. Tim wants to cry at how tightly Ned is controlling himself, because he knows his pain is upsetting Tim. “Hang on, let me do that for you,” Tim says, putting the box down and pulling a bottle out of it. He cracks the seal on the top and thrusts it into Ned’s good hand, reaching out to cradle the injured one. “I got you, Ned.”

Ned goes through three bottles like it’s water and he’s been abandoned in the desert. Tim cleans the wounds and tries not to throw up at the sight of them; he’s strongly reminded of how the skag meat looked when the triplets had butchered them outside Fyrestone, from the pink circles of flesh to the white stubs of _bone_\- “You gonna hurl, don’t do it on my hand,” Ned slurs.

“Sorry! I’m _sorry_, it’s just – _hhhurrrrghhhh_,” Tim says, turning away to dry heave in the other direction. “Oh my god. Oh, jeez. Sorry.”

He manages to get Ned, who is roaring drunk by this time because he’s demolished half the case of alcohol, up onto a gurney. Tim’s got the needle all ready and waiting in its own little sterilized tray, and he knows what he’s supposed to do now…he just doesn’t really want to do it. A promise, however, is a promise. “Ready?”

“Naw,” Ned tells him, trying not to slide off onto the floor.

“Too bad, ‘cause we’ve gotta do it. Don’t hit me, or anything,” Tim warns. 

“Better…flup…fluckin’ tuck, then.” Ned frowns. “_Buck_. No, wait…”

“Fan_tastic_.” Tim takes a moment to hop in place, trying to psych himself up. “Okay. Okay, here we go.” He turns to pick up the syringe with a frown – he’s supposed to dispense half of the serum into one…stub…and then use the rest for the other. “Ugh.”

He licks his lips nervously and turns back around, sidling over to grab Ned’s hand and position the needle above the appropriate area. _Don’t think about skag meat, don’t think about skag meat, don’t think about…_ “I’m thinking about skag meat,” Tim confesses.

“Huh?” Ned’s drunken mumble of confusion lifts into an agonized roar as Tim inserts the needle. “_Fuuuuuck!_”

“I’m sorry,” Tim cries, hating that he’s bringing Ned any more pain. “Almost done with this finger, and then there’s just one more.” 

When he’s finished and the syringe is empty, Tim helps Ned properly bandage the injured hand before he’s sent off to wash his hands again. He hears some crashing sounds audible over the sound of the running water and comes out to find that Ned has overturned the gurney and a few trays on his way out the door. Tim follows the trail of destruction up the stairs and finds Ned staggering into his bedroom.

“Let me help.” Tim slips beneath Ned’s arm and supports him on his way to the bed. “Are you _sure_ I can’t give you an InstaHealth?”

Ned shakes his head and collapses onto the mattress, rolling into a fetal curl. “Just leave me be,” he moans.

“No way,” Tim says, reaching out to gently push Ned’s sweaty hair back off of his forehead. “What can I get you?”

“Death.”

“Besides that.”

Ned doesn’t answer, because he’s just passed out.


	15. 2/10 - Would Not Recommend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a tough job looking after an injured mad scientist, but someone’s gotta do it.

Tim has no clue what he’s supposed to be doing, besides not calling Zed. Ned has been _very_ clear that it’s ‘none of Zed’s damned business’ that he’s missing two of his fingers, constantly drunk, and still refusing any other medicine besides fever reducing pills that aren’t working. “Just let me call him,” Tim begs. “You need help. I can’t let you suffer like this.”

Ned’s skin is hot beneath Tim’s hand when he presses his palm against Ned’s forehead. “No,” Ned moans. “I’ll be fine.”

“At least an InstaHealth-”

“_No_. It’ll…it’ll cancel out the…stuff,” Ned tells him, fumbling with the cap to the bottle in his hand. “I need a drink.”

Tim is so frustrated, he could weep. “All you _do_ is drink. You’re hurt, and you’re drunk, and you won’t let me _help._ I can’t stand it, Ned.”

“…be _fine_,” Ned insists.

“And what if you’re not, and I could have done something?” Tim feels the tears gathering in his eyes and tries to blink them back, but one spills down his cheek. Ned reaches out to catch it with his finger and ends up pawing the air two feet to Tim’s left. “God, I hate this.”

Ned clumsily pats the bed beside him and Tim hesitates only briefly before giving in. “Ain’t forever,” Ned sighs, and Tim flinches at the fumes that surround both of them like a noxious cloud. “C’mon, now. You’re much too pretty t’be sad.”

“You shouldn’t be the one comforting me,” Tim protests. Ned’s breath stinks to high heaven and it’s like being cuddled by the human version of a sauna...but he’s still _Ned_, and just being this close to him soothes Tim’s nerves. “I’m so _worried_ about you-”

Tim rubs at his eyes, annoyed with himself, and tries to ease himself away from Ned – just a little bit, because it feels like he’s being baked alive. “I sure…_sur_vived a lot worse.” Ned assures Tim that the serum is working as it should, and that he’ll be able to inject himself with an InstaHealth as soon as the fever breaks…but in the meantime, could Tim please bring him another blanket? He’s freezing to death.

He waits until Ned falls into a restless sleep beneath five blankets, then gets up to pace for a few minutes before deciding to work on his latest report to Jakobs. Tim also toys with the idea of contacting Zed even though Ned had expressly forbidden it. 

The rest of the day is spent in even more pacing, swearing under his breath every time Ned is conscious enough to get even more drunk than he was before, and trying not to have a nervous breakdown.

Ned’s fever continues through the night and into the next morning, when it finally breaks while Tim is frantically researching ways to counteract the onset of hallucinations. He comes back into the room to find Ned flaked out on the bed and drenched with sweat. “Oh, thank god,” Tim sighs. “Can I go get a syringe, now?”

“Hang on,” Ned cautions, sitting up and picking at his bandaged hand weakly.

Tim comes over to help him unwrap it, bracing himself for the worst…but what he sees amazes him, instead. “Wow. It really _works_,” Tim blurts, staring at the pink swells of new skin emerging from the stumps of Ned’s missing fingers. “I mean, of course it would…but, _wow_.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Ned tells him, closing his eyes and rubbing at his forehead. “Should be a needle in the bedside drawer, honey.”

The injection is duly administered and Ned opts for another nap, so Tim searches for a fresh set of sheets for the bed and sets out some clean clothes before running a hot bath. The water is still warm when Ned wakes up, obviously feeling much better, so Tim helps him into the tub and hurries out to switch out the bedding. Ned has been taking care of him constantly, ever since he’d arrived – it feels good to be the one who’s taking care of _Ned_ for a change. 

Tim finds his lover still wallowing in the bathtub, looking like he’s about to fall asleep again. “Hey, you.”

Ned opens his eyes and looks up at Tim, one corner of his mouth kicking up slightly. “Hey.”

“I’m so glad you’re feeling better; you have no idea,” Tim sighs, dropping to his knees beside the tub and folding his arms atop the rim of it.

“You’re probably glad I’m smellin’ better, too.”

“Well…your breath _still_ isn’t that great.”

Ned laughs. “Yeah, sorry. I’ll fix that in a minute.”

It seems like it’s been forever since they’ve actually been able to talk like this. “What if I just brought you a cup and your toothbrush _now_?” Tim asks, feeling himself start to blush.

Ned arches an eyebrow, clearly knowing what Tim’s up to. “Not sure what all I can get up to but if it’d make you feel better; sure.” 

The gentle inference that he’s not in the mood – and why _would_ he be? – makes Tim’s flush deepen. It would be less awkward for him to just go get the toothbrush, so he does it and then makes himself scarce until he hears the _thunk_ of the cup being set onto the floor. He comes back in with a cushion that Ned looks askance at until Tim drops it beside the tub and kneels down, putting his arms back up on the rim. “Do you need any more hot water?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Ned tells him, shifting so that he can lean back in the water to wet his hair. It lays flat on his skull and Tim can’t help but sigh over how good he looks. “There’s room for two in here, Lawrence.”

“I thought you said-”

“Just get _in_ here.”

Tim shucks his clothing and climbs in, sliding his legs on either side of Ned’s. “It probably feels really good to finally be clean,” Tim says, leaning back and sinking down in the water so that his eyes are just above the surface.

“It does. You’re bound t’be happier about it than me ‘cause I don’t got swamp-ass no more,” Ned says.

“What I’m happier about is that you didn’t die,” Tim replies, sitting up.

“I told you I’d be fine. Why couldn’t you trust me?”

Tim stares at his lover, incredulous. “Are you kidding me? You’re saying I _didn’t_ trust you? You were hurt, and I was scared you’d _die_ because you wouldn’t let me call for help. Guess that one’s on me, though, because I could’ve just ignored you. A better person _would_ have.”

Ned stares right back him. “We gotta talk about this now?”

“You’re the one who-” Tim breaks off, hiding his eyes. “Look, it’s been rough on both of us and I don’t want to fight.”

“Then don’t. C’mere.”

Tim almost refuses, but gives in when Ned lifts his arms up and reaches out. It’s not the easiest task on the planet to turn himself around so that he can settle against Ned’s chest, and definitely not the most graceful, but it feels so _nice_ to be held. Ned’s heartbeat is a steady thump beneath Tim’s ear and helps him relax, silencing the part of Tim that’s urging him to confront Ned once and for all. He _knows_ that things aren’t quite right and that they haven’t been for a while, but he hasn’t wanted to spoil their relationship by insisting on the confrontation that he’d already sworn would happen. How many different times has he made up his mind to talk to Ned and then allowed himself to be distracted? How many more times is he going to let the exact same thing happen?

Several more times, if he’s completely honest with himself. Confrontation has never really been Tim’s strong suit.

“You got any idea where I left the plans?” Ned asks suddenly. “We need to get on that.”

Tim opens his eyes and glares at Ned’s chest hair. “Yeah, right. You’ve spent the last two days barely able to talk, let alone _move_, and all of a sudden you’re ready to go charging out there? Give me a break, Ned.”

Ned shifts against him. “I did, and now it’s time to get back t’work.”

“We’re not going out there until the light cycle comes back around, and that’s final,” Tim says firmly. “If you try to go out there without me, I’ll shoot you in the leg and then call Zed to tell him everything...so don’t even think about it.”

“You know I love it when you get all assertive and shit.”

If only that were true. “Oh, be quiet.”

The next morning, they leave the treehouse after Ned wraps his hand with medical tape. 

Tim finds himself in charge of holding the ECHOpad and going through Ned’s indecipherable plans, doing more squinting and _hmm_ing than actually helping. Thankfully Ned’s familiar enough with them to be able to follow Tim’s bewildered instructions. “I still think this is too complicated,” Tim says, tucking the ECHOpad under his jacket and pulling out his gun while Ned kneels inside the newly constructed cage.

He hasn’t seen _too_ many zombies shambling around, but he wants to be ready just in case. Tim spares a quick glance over at Ned, who’s carefully attaching needles where they’re supposed to go. At least, Tim’s _kind of_ sure they’re supposed to go there – the blueprints have written instructions on the bottom and they’re perfectly readable at first, but then quickly turn into an illegible scrawl which only another doctor could possibly decipher. “It couldn’t get any simpler,” Ned tells him. “Anything yet?”

“I saw a Tankenstein earlier, and a few regulars, but that’s about it. We haven’t been spotted yet.” Tim walks in a slow circle around the cage, watching for movement. “I wonder if they can smell us.”

“Could be,” Ned replies, finishing up and backing out of the cage. “This’d go a lot faster if I had all my fingers.”

Tim casts a look at his doctor’s left hand, shuddering at the memory of the bunker door closing on it. “A lot of things you do would be faster if you had them – I know what you use that hand for, young man.”

“I use it for you, so shut your trap,” Ned says. “Help me wind this thing up.”

“Okay, hang on.” Tim holsters his gun and walks over, totally unprepared for a Three to come bursting out of the undergrowth.

Ned seizes him by the collar and yanks him back (using his right hand, of course), seizing a section of rebar and jabbing it at the oncoming zombie. “Get in the cage,” Ned tells him.

Tim draws his gun, trying to remember the last time he’d checked his ammo. “What?”

The Three seizes the other end of the rebar and tries to knock Ned off balance so that it can grab him, but Ned drops his center and hangs on tight. “Get in the fuckin’ cage!”

“I can shoot it-”

Ned doesn’t take his eyes off of the Three. “Timothy Lawrence, you will get the _hell_ in there or I’ll tell you what for! What’d I say in the bathtub?”

That he had swamp-ass? But how is _that_\- oh. The problem with being halfway in love with a scientist, Tim thinks to himself, is that he always seems to get left behind during brainstorming sessions. “Okay,” Tim says, trying not to be mad that Ned’s outplayed him again.

“Be ready,” Ned warns, shifting his stance. The Three grabs at the metal pole again, and Ned lunges forward – directly at the zombie. “_Go_!” Tim has no idea what Ned’s plan is…but he’s obviously got one, so Tim decides to trust him.

Tim takes off towards the cage, knowing without looking back that the Three has gotten around Ned and is hot on his heels. “_Neeeeedddddd!”_

There’s the sound of a loud thump coming from behind him, and then- “_Down_,” Ned roars at him.

He hits the ground as the Three goes hurtling over him, directly into the cage. Ned runs up and slams the door as the spring-loaded (or whatever) needles pop out to inject the furious zombie. “Ned, what the fuck! What just happened!”

Ned leans over, bracing his hands on his knees as he gasps for breath. “That…wasn’t the best,” Ned says, flopping onto the ground while his lungs try to catch up with him. 

Tim’s heart is pounding wildly as he sits up, looking around – one of the first things he sees, other than Ned, is the piece of rebar sticking straight out of the ground. That, then, was the sound he’d heard. It’s also moving slightly, which means… “Did you..? Did you _seriously_ do a modified pole-vault to kick that thing into the cage?”

“Did I do a what, now?” Ned erupts into a coughing fit. “I need a lot more exercise if I gotta do shit like that more often. I am too _old_ for this.”

“That was pretty badass,” Tim has to say.

“Well, you know how it goes. Look up the word ‘badass’ on the ECHOnet an’ there’s a picture of me as the top search result,” Ned wheezes, dragging himself to his feet. “Thanks for goin’ along with it, though.”

Tim joins him at the cage door and they watch the Three thrash around inside it for a minute or so. “Is it just me, or is it getting weaker?”

“Ehhh…could just be a trick so we go in there. Let’s wait a li’l longer.”

“Good idea,” Tim says, dropping his arm around Ned’s shoulders. “While we wait, we can talk about how you knew it was watching us and didn’t tell me.”

“We can also talk about how I didn’t tell you that I’d kick the damn thing into the cage, if you want…yeah, it’s definitely gettin’ slower.” Ned checks his ECHO device for the time and clips it back onto his belt. “Anyways, it was sniffin’ around when we came down in the lift. Lucky it decided to charge on in ‘steada roundin’ up some help.”

_Lucky_, Tim thinks. _Right._ “So, what happens now?”

“Now we see if we can’t round up a few more regulars – by the time those get trapped, this one might be ready t’go.”

The plan is to release the de-zombied people back into Jakobs Cove, where the turrets still keep the rest of the horde at bay. Tim still isn’t sure why they didn’t just set up operations there instead of here, but Ned swears that he’s ‘got a plan for that.’ They construct several more cages and even capture a few slow-movers; the serum takes a shorter time to get results, so Tim is justifiably anxious to return to the Three. 

“It worked!” Tim yells, running up to the cage. “Hello, hi, welcome back!”

The woman inside it frowns at him as she sways on her feet. “Who the hell are you?”

He pauses in confusion. “You mean, you don’t know who I _am?_” This can’t be happening - _everyone_ knows Jack. He turns to look for Ned. “Hey, she doesn’t know Jack!”

“Whoever the hell you are, you’re kind of _rude_.”

“Oh! Oh, no, I just meant…nothing. Nothing, at all. What’s your name? Let’s get you out of here and back to Jakobs Cove where it’s safe from-”

“Ned,” the woman says suddenly. 

“I was gonna say…zombies….?”

“_Ned_,” she says again, her voice full of loathing.

“Hey there, Cora – how you been?” Ned asks, sauntering up to them. “Whyn’t you let this nice lady outta the cage, Tim? I’m sure she don’t wanna spend the night in here.”

Tim’s not sure that’s such a great idea; Ned seems totally oblivious to the fact that their first catch of the day looks like she wants to shank him. They really _do_ need to release her, though. “Ooookay. Your call.”

Five seconds later, Ned has a bloody nose and the makings of a spectacular black eye. They’re going to need a _lot_ more InstaHealths if this is going to happen every time they open a cage.


	16. Catch and Release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad things come in Threes.

The catch and release program that they’re working on is going pretty well, if Tim has anything to say about it. There’s still a lot to do, and a ton of people who actively hate Ned’s guts, but some of the Jakobs employees have renewed their contracts and are helping them out. Tim is given the job of liaison pretty much by default, since nobody there knows whose body double he is. They’re not particularly happy with the fact that he’s sleeping with the man who poisoned them, but it doesn’t seem to be a deal-breaker. At least, not so far.

The first Three they’d ‘healed’, Cora Williamson, had been one of the managers at the lumber mill. She’s placed herself firmly in charge of the survivors at Jakobs Cove and Tim hopes that it won’t become a problem since the only Fast Travel is inside her territory. She still refuses to have anything to do with Ned and barely tolerates Tim, but Tim’s trying to change that by negotiating a settlement with the Jakobs Corporation.

“That’s not gonna happen,” she’s currently telling him. “They left us to _die_ out here and now they want us all to sign NDAs? No fucking _way_, boytoy.”

Tim sighs and highlights several paragraphs of text before turning the ECHOpad around to show her. “It’s Tim, actually. They _are_ asking about the non-disclosure agreements, but I’m pretty sure I can talk them out of it. It’s just a standard corporation thing and they’re hoping you’ll go for it with no questions asked. This, though, is the new concession they added – it gives all of you passage to the planet of your choice _and_ a per diem until you reach your destination.”

“No deal. We want our backpay, a hardship bonus, free transport, and they can shove the NDAs up their collective asses,” Cora says.

“I’ll do what I can, Ms. Williamson,” Tim promises. “We’re probably going to be bringing about twenty more today and then reopening Generally Hospital. Ned didn’t think you’d have enough room, so-”

“We have plenty of room,” she interrupts, scowling.

Tim reminds himself not to smile – Ned had told him she’d say that after hearing his opinion on the matter. “Great. We’re trying to stick to a schedule of one an hour, if that’s okay with everyone here?”

Cora tells him that it’s fine with her, and Tim wonders if she really thinks that her view is the only one that matters or if that’s just the way she’s always talked.

The walk back to Hallows End is a quiet one that gives him plenty of time to reflect upon everything that’s been happening…and there’s been a _lot_ happening since Ned’s antidote has finally been tested upon its target audience. The handful of Threes that they’ve cured have proven to be as big of a pain in the ass as Cora is, so it really is no surprise that they’d all been in management.

Jakobs is still paying him a ludicrous amount of money just for being a snitch. Tim still feels bad about it, but not badly enough to reject what has to be the easiest job on Pandora. He makes a mental note to shoehorn Cora’s demands in his next report once he figures out a polite way to phrase what she wants them to do with the NDAs.

Tim lifts a hand in greeting as he passes the first group of Jakobs employees who had renewed their contracts. “Hey, guys.”

“Hi, Tim. Going up to the clinic?” The youngest one asks hopefully.

“Yeah. D’you need me to bring you anything?”

“Would you mind bringing the lists? We just wanna…check…something.”

“If you say so,” Tim says. “I can just send them to your ECHO; it’d be faster that way.” He takes the cage up and drops his stuff in the kitchen before going in search of Ned, who is finishing another batch of serum in one of the labs. Tim waits until Ned stands up to stretch before rapping his knuckles against the door. “How’s it going?”

Ned pulls off his gloves and tosses them in the disposal, lowering his mask. “It’s goin’. This should be enough for a hundred more. You talk to Cora?”

“I did; it went as we expected it to go. She does _not_ like you,” Tim says, walking over for a kiss. 

“I don’t expect her to.” Ned turns away so that Tim’s lips get his cheek instead. “Hungry?”

Tim nods, but Ned’s washing his hands in the sink and can’t see him. “Yeah, I could eat. Do we have the lists up here? Arnold and Cal were asking for them and I said I’d send them down.”

“Why’d they want ‘em?” Ned asks, turning around. “They could just ask Saint Cora. Check the computer down in the clinic.”

Something’s not quite right, here. Tim can’t decide if it’s something to do with Ned, or the lists of cured employees. Maybe it’s both. “I’ll be right back,” he promises, watching how Ned’s eyes flick away from his and back again. Yes, there’s _definitely_ something going on. 

He runs down the stairs and into the clinic area, calling up the lists of those already cured and sending them down to what he’s privately begun referring to as the Zombie Response Team, or ZRT for short. After that’s done, Tim goes back up to find Ned screwing the lid off of a bottle of hooch.

They stare at each other for what seems like an eternity. “I thought that…that you weren’t, that you _wouldn’t_…” Tim’s words die off because the moment he’d been dreading for so long is finally here and even though he’s practiced the speech he knows he has to give, he’s still not ready. “Put it down, Ned,” he whispers.

Ned’s fingers slowly resume their twisting motion, and the cap comes off. “I don’t answer to you.” Without taking his eyes off of Tim, Ned sets the mouth of the bottle to his lips and tips it back. 

“You said you wouldn’t-”

“I never did,” Ned tells him and Tim begins to realize just how foolish he’s been – all the rationalizations he’s done for Ned’s behavior, all the accommodations he’s made just because he _wants_ this to just not be a ‘thing.’ It’s pretty clear that Ned is aware that he won’t be able to talk his way out of this…and this time, he doesn’t want to even bother. “You just wished I wouldn’t.”

Tim draws in a quick, hurt breath. “Why won’t you, then?”

“The reasons just keep comin’, don’t they.” Ned takes another drink, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I got food in the kitchen if you want it. You said you’re hungry.”

“I’m not sure I am, anymore.”

Ned’s shoulders lift in a shrug. “Suit yourself.” He walks past, close enough to touch if either of them wanted to reach out.

Tim walks back to the kitchen as if he’s on autopilot, because he has no other place to go right now. Besides, all of his Jakobs-related stuff is there. He takes a seat at the counter and stares down at the blank screen of his ECHOpad, wondering where they’re supposed to go from here. Are they even a ‘they’? That’s another thing he’d taken for granted and hadn’t actually _asked_ about.

He hears Ned enter the room and stop directly behind him. Tim can _feel_ him back there, he can hear the soft intake of breath as Ned starts to say something and he can see that Ned’s hand hovering just above his shoulder in the ECHOpad’s reflective surface. “I can’t stay with you if you keep drinking,” Tim says. “I won’t.”

Ned draws his hand back, swallows back whatever it was he’d been about to say, and walks out.

Tim’s ECHO device comes alive with a burst of static that jolts him from his thoughts and nearly makes him knock everything off the counter. “_Tim, could you come down here please? I need you to see something,_” one of the ZRT says. It sounds like Cal.

“I’ll be right there.” 

The reason for the ZRT’s request quickly becomes clear – they’re getting some repeat customers. “We’ve double-checked the records. Hell, we’ve _quadruple_-checked them; these are all folks we’ve processed before,” one of the new guys says. Tim’s still not sure if his name is Chad or Chet, but at this point he guesses that it doesn’t really matter. “How should we handle this? You’re the official Jakobs rep, but Doctor Ned’s the one in charge of making the serum and we’ll run out if this keeps up…”

“I’ll…I’ll deal with it,” Tim says, wondering what the hell he’s supposed to do now. “Thanks for the heads-up.” He paces for a few minutes until the ZRT politely remind him that he needs to either pay attention to his surroundings or just go back up to the treehouse where it’s safe. Tim would rather be anywhere else, but he’s going to have to back and talk to Ned about this. This is business, though, so it’s not like they have to immediately break up.

Oh, god. _Does_ Ned want to break up?

No, he can’t think about that right now. They’ve got a problem, a _big_ problem that could get even bigger if he can’t figure out a solution.

Ned is slumped over the clinic’s desk as Tim comes through, and the soles of his boots squeak on the tiles as he stops too quickly. Ned pushes himself up, wiping his palm over his face self-consciously. “You need somethin’?” His lover asks brusquely, as if they’re strangers now.

“The ZRT’s getting repeats.”

“The what?”

“Zombie Response Team. I thought I told- never mind. I guess that means we’ll need a lot more serum, but does it lose its effectiveness if it’s used more than once?”

“How’m I meant to know a thing like that,” Ned complains. “What d’you mean anyways, repeats? Thought Miss High an’ Mighty had everyone under her thumb at the Cove.”

“Obviously not, unless she’s settling them past the turrets. I need to call her and see what’s happening before I file a report.”

Ned frowns. “You came to me first?”

“Of course I did.” Tim swallows past the lump in his throat. “You were closer, anyway. Um. I’m gonna go call her.”

Ned says nothing as Tim leaves to do so, and Cora is predictably irritated when he contacts her. She demands to know whether or not Tim thinks that she’s running a prison instead of a village. “_You contacted me first, didn’t you?_” she asks.

Tim lies through his teeth. “Of course I did.”

“_Good. I’ll call an emergency meeting, so don’t bother coming in for it. Ned had better hope the antidote holds up._” Cora disconnects without saying goodbye, or even thank you. 

He grabs his ECHOpad and heads into the kitchen with it, figuring that he should eat something even if he’s not feeling very hungry at the moment. A plate of food has been set out for him and Tim’s eyes sting with the effort of holding back tears; the food’s still hot, which means that Ned had been watching for him and knew that he’d force himself to eat despite his lack of appetite. Tim drops his face into his hands and draws in a shuddering breath, wondering when he’d last felt this unhappy.

“It don’t taste _that_ bad,” Ned informs him.

Tim looks over to see Ned standing in the doorway. “How can you be everything I want, but still be…this? How is that even possible?”

“It’s a gift, I guess. Zed just called. Wants us to meet everyone in Fyrestone; he’s got a timeshare on Aegrus.”

“_Now_?”

“In two days. Said I’d check with you.”

Jesus, the tears are threatening to make a comeback. “It’s a little late for you to check with me for anything, don’t you think? What’s it going to be this time, Ned? If I just keep quiet and let you drink yourself to death, you’ll….what, try some sex tip from the ECHOnet that you’ll think I’d like? Maybe you’ll just give me the grand tour of whatever the hell Aegrus is – is it a what, or a where, ‘cause I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things, apparently.”

“It don’t have to be like this, Tim.”

“No, it doesn’t – you could just tell me _why_ you have to…to keep _poisoning_ yourself. You could just let me _in_, instead of pretending everything’s fine when it clearly isn’t,” Tim says in an anguished whisper. “Trust doesn’t go just one way.”

Ned ducks through the doorway and comes over to sit beside Tim, bringing the strong scent of liquor with him. “I know it.” The pad of Ned’s thumb carefully wipes away the moisture gathering at the corner of Tim’s eye. “Come with me.”

“Don’t _do_ that,” Tim mumbles.

“Do what?”

“You touch me, and I can’t be angry with you because…because…” Tim pulls away from Ned’s hand, concentrating on the smell of alcohol wafting its way over to him. He won’t give in this time; he _won’t_. “Don’t do that.”

Ned draws back obediently. “You don’t gotta decide right now. There’s stuff needs doin’ before it’s time, so…maybe just think about it. I gotta go.”

Tim doesn’t bother with any ultimatums, but figures that it’s for the best if he moves his things back into the room Ned had cleared for him months ago. He clears most of it out in less than ten minutes since it’s mainly just his clothing and a few guns, lingering to touch Ned’s side of the bed before leaving.

It’s a long and lonely night by himself and in the morning, it’s obvious that Ned hasn’t slept well either. They’re both needed to help the ZRT, though, especially since Cora basically refuses to assist if Ned is involved. Tim and Ned are paired up because neither of them feel the urge to air any dirty laundry, so they try to keep things professional as they head towards a set of traps that need to be repaired.

It’s more accurate to say that _Tim_ tries to keep things professional while Ned pretends that nothing’s wrong. It’s something Ned’s done often so he’s pretty good at it by now, Tim thinks sourly. 

“I wonder why they won’t stay put…’sides the obvious explanation of Cora lordin’ it up in Jakobs Cove, of course,” Ned muses. “Anyone ask ‘em?”

Tim clears his throat, looking away from Ned when the other man stops to glance over at him. “I’m not sure – we just found out about it, so I don’t _think_ so. They’d be back in the Cove right now anyway.”

“Unless they already snuck back out. That shit ain’t been _tested_ for repeat exposure, goddamnit!” Ned frowns and checks his ECHO.

“Well, if it was _you_ and you’d been…processed, what would make you run the risk of being bitten again?” Tim asks, finally meeting Ned’s eyes. He can see the answer in them as clearly as if Ned has said it aloud, and it makes his chest hurt. “Oh. Ned-”

“The records don’t say who they’d be lookin’ for,” Ned says, turning away. “Someone’s sure to know it, though. Those cages’re just up through here…the fuck was that?”

Tim stops, but he can’t hear anything. “What was what?”

A cracking sound issues from the gloom off to the right, and they give nearly identical sighs when a crowd of zombies come galloping out at them. “Damn it all, now I’m gonna have to _run_,” Ned says irritably. “This is some _skag_shit.”

Tim heads off towards the traps with Ned loping resentfully at his side, and they’re forced to run even faster when a pair of Threes enter the fray. He supposes that it was only a matter of time before they started working together, and Tim has a sudden vision of a roomful of zombies lurching and moaning around a slide presentation. “Is it just me, or do they seem faster than usual?” Tim yells.

“They’re sure - _look out, it’s above you!_” Ned yanks Tim to the side as a Spewer topples from the branches overhead. “What the-!”

How had it even gotten _up_ there? Tim grabs Ned’s arm to help steady himself. “They’re herding us.”

“The hell they are,” Ned grunts. “Go left up there by the ammo crates.”

They take off like the hounds of hell are at their heels, because they kind of _are_. Tim’s not sure what Ned’s plan is, but something’s better than nothing. More zombies try to close in on them as the path narrows, which is moderately terrifying. They burst through the undergrowth as Ned leads him off the path when they approach the previously indicated crates, and up ahead Tim can see a shimmering red curtain of…

_Oh._

“I think I love you,” Tim gasps, flinging himself through the Hyperion Competitor Deterrence Field.

Ned stumbles to a halt, leaning over to brace his hands on his thighs as he takes a few deep breaths. “They’re _definitely_ faster. Up in the _trees_; what’s next? They gonna drive a goddamn _car_ through here and bite folks on their way past as they hang out the window? Jeez!”

Outside the hazy wall of reddish light, one of the Threes decides to try its luck and Tim flinches back reflexively as it charges directly towards them. There’s an unpleasant zapping noise as it disintegrates and they watch the rest of the zombies shamble right up to be vaporized one after another, until all that’s left is the remaining Three.

They all stare at each other, and Ned finally sighs and begins to stretch. “What are you _doing_,” Tim hisses.

“What’s it look like?” Ned replies. “That thing’s either gonna wait us out, which I doubt, or it’ll bring more friends who can figure a way to get past this wall. We need t’get out there and get around it while we still can.” He gives Tim a _look_, which could mean absolutely anything. Tim really needs to get used to them, because Ned seems to like aiming these significant kinds of glances his way.

“Okay,” Tim says cautiously. “I think it can hear us,” he adds in a whisper.

Ned _looks_ at him again. “Really? Can it really?”

“Stop that,” Tim says, finally getting Ned’s ploy. “You can go first. Age before beauty.”

“Both of those things’re me, anyways.” Without another word of warning, Ned launches himself out past the Competitor Deterrence Field – directly towards the Three. 

The zombie is momentarily frozen in disbelief as Ned comes barreling towards it, yelling a battle cry that sounds a lot like “what’s up?” and Tim is treated to the odd sight of a zombie actually running _away_ from its chosen prey. The brief ( and quite frankly hilarious) chase ends when Ned tackles the Three and they struggle with each other on the ground as Tim runs up with a syringe. 

“Don’t let it bite you,” Tim says unnecessarily, ignoring Ned’s huff of annoyance. He kneels beside them and uncaps the needle, jerking back as the Three’s teeth get dangerously close. Ned knocks it away with a full-armed slap, holding its head down long enough for Tim to insert the needle and press his thumb down on the plunger.

It starts thrashing again and Ned grunts with the effort of holding it down, his muscles swelling as he forces the Three against the ground. Tim averts his eyes from the show of strength that he definitely should _not_ be distracted by, and waits until the Three’s struggles weaken and finally stop as the serum does its work. They share a weary high-five over their success. 

“Did you actually yell ‘what’s up’, or was I hallucinating?”

Ned sits back on his heels, examining the Three with a critical eye. “Yup.”

“Why…?”

“It’s a well-known fact that if you yell somethin’ like that as you go after folks, they’ll get distracted by it long enough for you to get close to ‘em. It, like…it contrasts with the evidence that their eyes give ‘em so they don’t react quick as they would otherwise,” Ned explains. “It’s _science_.”

Tim has to laugh; how could he not? “You’re crazy; you know that, right?”

“You’re the one who’s into that, so maybe you don’t get to judge,” Ned says, rocking backwards to sit down in the grass. “You said you love me.”

Tim’s laughter dies out in a splutter. “I did _not_.”

“You did, too, so don’t even lie. You said-”

“I _said_, ‘I think I love you’ which was _clearly_-”

“The truth?”

“It was right after you led us to safety so it was obviously the relief talking.”

“But you _said_ it.”

Tim leans forward to push at Ned’s chest playfully, but the motion brings him close enough to smell the reason why there’s tension between them. He draws back, hating the look in Ned’s eyes as he does even as he realizes that he can’t keep letting Ned get away with his behavior. “I changed my mind. It’s up to you to make me change it back.”

They’re both silent as they move the captured Three back to civilization.


	17. Death, Warmed Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ain’t no party like a Fyrestone party (‘cause a Fyrestone party’s got skags)

The next few days are tough, but they get through it. The number of repeat offenders are dwindling, which is a good sign, though Tim thinks that it might be because they’d inadvertently vaporized the ringleader. Cora remains as verbally abusive as ever, so it’s a relief to leave Jakobs Cove for a day or two.

His research on Aegrus has led him to believe that the weather _should_ be similar to the climate he’s grown used to, but Tim packs some lighter weight clothing just in case.

Tim’s looking forward to seeing Blake again, and living a zombie-less existence for a short while. He’s also hoping that he and Ned can resolve their differences while they’re gone, since the change of scenery might also bring about a change of a different sort, but he’s not holding his breath. Ned seesaws between quiet contemplation of their problems, and trying to prove that everything’s fine.

They have to walk through Jakobs Cove proper to reach the Fast Travel, and Tim watches Ned’s posture change the instant people begin to notice their presence – Ned’s back goes ramrod straight and his shoulders stiffen. “Murderer,” someone whispers into the silence. Tim can see Ned’s jaw clench.

“I sent off the latest response from Cora,” Tim says to no one in particular. “We should have a response from their legal department by the time we get back. The Response Team will continue to distribute the antidote Ned made, but we’ll be on call if anyone needs help.” He deliberately makes eye contact with as many people as he can, noting that they’re the ones who look away first. There are a few mumbles of thanks.

Tim eases past Ned so that he’s in the lead, cutting through the windmill to the dock where the Fast Travel station is situated. “They sure do like you,” Ned comments, shifting his pack to his other shoulder so that he can select their destination on the interactive map. “Gotta be nice to have folks who got no idea who you are.”

“That’s true,” Tim says. “It’s just gonna take some time for them to come around to you.”

Ned looks over. “Wasn’t talkin’ about _me_.”

“Right,” he sighs.

They’re digistructed into the center of Fyrestone and follow the sound of voices out past the old town gates, over by the Catch-a-Ride. Tim rushes forward when he realizes that Janey Springs is there with Blake, Zed, and Patricia; he hasn’t seen her in years. “_Janey!_” He stops to give Patricia a hug and squeezes Blake’s arm in greeting. “It’s been forever; how _are_ you?”

“I couldn’t believe it when I heard you were still around,” Janey says warmly. “It’s good to see you again.”

Ned’s reached their group by now, and is loudly exclaiming at how huge Patricia’s getting. Janey’s eyes drift from Tim’s face over to Ned and she’s so clearly curious that Tim beckons him over. “I’d like you to meet someone. Janey, this is Ned – he’s a doctor based out of Jakobs Cove,” he says, unconsciously resting his other hand on Ned’s bicep to claim ownership. Tim pulls away when he realizes what he’s just done. “Um. Ned, this is Janey. She saved my butt a few times when I was up on Elpis.”

“Yeah? Thanks for the butt-savin’…be a shame if somethin’ happened to it,” Ned says, reaching out to take Janey’s hand in his own.

“All in a day’s work, eh?” Janey laughs. “I couldn’t quite believe that there were _three_ of you, but here you are…”

Tim excuses himself draws Blake aside. “This is the first time I’ve seen you without one of your suits; you look good,” Tim says, looking at his friend’s new outfit. It probably isn’t _new_, but Tim’s used to seeing Blake in something impeccably tailored (with the glaring exception of the old prison outfit, but he’s not about to bring that up).

Blake smiles slightly. “My thanks. You also seem…healthier.”

“Ned’s a good cook,” Tim says, feeling his lips tightening when he looks back over at his doctor. He’s laughing with Janey about something. “When he’s not…anyway. How is everything on Helios? No one’s assassinated you yet, obviously.”

“Business as usual, I’m afraid. The fact that I still have a pulse is proof that umpteen attempts have been thwarted, but I don’t doubt there are plenty more in my future. Timothy, is there anything you’d like to-”

He’s forgotten how intuitive Blake can be. Tim holds his hands up to block the rest of the question. “No. Sorry, Jeff, I just…not right now, okay?”

Later, then,” Blake says softly, watching Tim glance over at Ned furtively. 

Tim sighs as he realizes that Blake is probably thinking about Ned being physically abusive, and shakes his head. “It’s not _that_.”

“Later,” Blake says again, and changes the subject. “Now, what have you been _doing_ in Jakob’s Cove all this time? Surely there's not many extracurricular activities…and I have just now realized my question might sound as if I am angling for information concerning your sex life, so I shall close my mouth immediately.”

Tim looks at his friend, startled, and then starts laughing. “I wasn’t thinking about it like that at all, but now I am!”

“Ted is proving to be quite the corruptive influence,” Blake says, looking embarrassed.

“So it’s good, then, between you two? Oh god, now it sounds like _I’m_-”

It’s Blake’s turn to laugh. “It’s fine…and, yes. Things are very good, actually, on all possible fronts.”

“Are you talking about sex?” Patricia interrupts. “I want to listen, too.”

Janey and Ned look over. “Who’s having sex?” 

“Nobody,” Blake says patiently.

“You probably got that over with ‘fore anyone else showed up,” Ned suggests, grinning.

“What I got _over with_ was inspecting the Hyperion Information Stockade after you looted it. You could just as easily have asked me, and I would have made the requested supplies immediately available – or even sent workers to fix the motel for you.” 

Tim declines to say anything about this, thinking about Zed’s inevitable outrage concerning anyone else from Hyperion invading his town. The man himself is perched on the closed lid of an ammo crate, massive arms folded across his chest as he watches everyone else contentedly, and his eyes are bright with amusement as he notices Tim looking over at him.

“I see that you’ve mended your differences with Zed,” Blake remarks. “I _am_ impressed, Timothy.”

“Zed’s not bad at all - he’s actually pretty funny once you get to know him,” Tim confides – but quietly, so that the object of their gossip doesn’t hear.

They’re so busy talking that they almost miss the arrival of Ted and Athena, Tim’s fellow ex-Vault Hunter from the moon. Ex-fellow Vault Hunter? How is he supposed to put that, Tim wonders, but is immediately distracted by Ted’s yell of disbelief as he sees Patricia. “Whoa-! Hold the fuckin’ _ECHO_…you been knocked up this entire time?” Ted walks around her in a circle, staring. “Oh my _god!_ There’s gonna be a _baby_, there’s a _baby_ in there,” he tells Zed.

Zed’s lips twitch. “Well, I kinda helped out with puttin’ it there. She did the rest by herself.”

Blake smiles. “Perhaps we could go into town so that she has a place to rest…?”

“Oh! Yeah, you should – Zed, carry her! What if she _trips_-”

Patricia gives Ted a look that clearly doubts his sanity. “I am pregnant, _not_ about to die at any moment. I can walk by myself…though if Zed really wants to carry me, who am I to refuse?” She looks at Zed expectantly, and he shakes his head with a grin before bending down to scoop her up.

They walk back into Fyrestone slowly, talking about a million different things as Zed finds seats for everyone, and Tim gets reacquainted with Athena - as much as she’ll allow, anyway. She was never big on small talk…or any other kinds of talk. Janey has enough to say for both of them, apparently, and Tim doesn’t miss the look of relief on Athena’s face when her girlfriend steps into the conversational breach. “Where’d the other two go?” Janey asks suddenly.

“I’m not sure I even wanna know,” Ned comments. “_Ted! Blake!_”

“Y’all been makin’ out, or what?” Zed complains when Blake and Ted join the others. “Someone’s gonna think it’s _me_ messin’ with Hyperion folks.”

Ted reaches over to shove at Zed’s shoulder. “Yeah, those skags were real scandalized. If they’d’ve had pearls they woulda been clutchin’ ‘em…come the fuck on, who the hell even comes out here?”

“There’s eight of us here right now, math whiz.” Zed sits down beside Patricia and draws her legs over his knees, rubbing her calves while she sighs in relief. “There’s also an extra room, if you ladies’d like t’come along to Aegrus with us.” 

Athena declines immediately and Janey quickly explains that they’ve just moved to a place called Hollow Point. “We still haven’t settled in just yet, or we’d love to come along,” she says, and suggests that Zed throw one of his famous Fyrestone parties. This is the first Tim’s heard about those, and he follows the exchange interestedly.

“You’re askin’ _him?_” Ned interrupts. “Nobody knows more about throwin’ a wild party than Yours Truly. I’ll show you girls a good time – well, y’know. All platonic and whatnot, of course.”

Oh, please,” Tim mutters beneath his breath, suddenly irritated. Athena gives Ned a thousand-yard stare which shuts him up pretty much immediately.

He’s not expecting much of anything, but the idea has been planted and they all decide that a party is just what they need. Athena and the triplets leave to hunt a few skags, while the rest of them split up into two teams to get everything ready. “We may be the leftovers, but we’ll get this done right,” Janey says, as cheerful as ever. “Is there a spot for a fire?”

“Yeah, out by the motel. What about if Jeff and I take care of that and make sure the motel’s ready? You two might want to spend the night,” Tim says thoughtfully.

“Right, it’s a plan.”

“There should be some lights we can use,” Patricia says. “Zed and I have used them in the past.” She declines to say why they’d used them, but it doesn’t take a genius to guess _that_.

Blake and Tim go into the motel first to make sure there’s enough space for anyone who might need a place to sleep, then gather fuel for a bonfire. Tim can tell that Blake is waiting for him to say something, but he’s not sure where to start. “He hasn't been mistreating you, has he?” Blake finally asks.

“Mistreat…? _Ned?_ No, I told you it wasn't anything like that,” Tim says.

“Then perhaps you might tell me what it _is_ like.”

Tim sighs heavily. “Ned’s…I just, I like him. I really do, Jeff. He’s smart, funny; it’s as if he was made just for me.”

Blake coughs delicately. “But?”

“He drinks a lot.” Tim looks up from the pile of dried grass he’s gathering. “I mean, a _lot_. My mom used to drink like that, before she thought I was dead; who am I kidding? She probably still does, unless the alcohol’s killed her already.”

Blake frowns. “Have you discussed this with him?” 

Tim shrugs, feeling like he might start to cry. “Ned doesn't want to hear about it. He likes to pretend everything’s fine, and has a smart remark for any occasion. If he’d only _talk_ to me about it.”

“It has been my experience that alcoholics drink to escape some part of their life they don’t particularly wish to share,” Blake says. “Beyond locking Ned in a cage where he cannot escape you, I haven’t a clue what you should do about it. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.”

Tim nods, giving his friend a quick smile. “The minute I find a large enough cage, maybe I’ll try it. Thanks for listening, though. I feel bad for not being grateful at every moment since he _does_ kind of take care of me.”

“That is absolute nonsense,” Blake tells him. “We all know Ned’s ulterior motive in taking you in; don’t confuse that with altruism because I can assure you that _he_ hasn’t done the same. If his drinking is really that much of a problem for you, consider how ‘grateful’ you truly feel and go from there.”

“I thought you didn’t ‘have a clue’ about what I should do.”

“I lied. If Ned is anything like Ted, and I strongly suspect that outward appearance isn’t the only thing they have in common, a nice threat should do the trick…as long as you fully intend to carry out that threat, because you will most likely have to do so.” They go back to the fire pit and Tim thinks about Blake’s advice while they pile dried grass and various pieces of wood. “What _have_ you been doing in Jakobs Cove?” Blake asks suddenly.

“Oh, yeah. So, we got there and…” Tim starts to explain, and Blake stops what he’s doing so that he can sit down and listen. “Once the Jakob’s Corporation found out that Ned was still alive, they offered his job back on the condition that he round up the remaining zombies. He told them that I was his assistant, so I’m basically being paid to keep an eye on him in case he goes back to his old ways and-”

“Ned is paying you to watch him?” Blake asks incredulously.

“No, _Jakobs_ is. They contacted me separately, didn't I say that? Well, anyway, we’re supposed to round up the zombies so Ned can turn them back. I always thought zombies were slow but oh my _god_ you should see some of them go! One time a pack of them chased us for about a mile. Ned said he was going to have a heart attack, but it turns out he’s pretty fast when something’s chasing him,” Tim says with a laugh, then sobers when he remembers their current problems. He has to laugh again when he tells Blake about their most recent adventure with the Threes and the ‘borrowed’ Hyperion tech.

Ned and his brothers come back with three skags, and Athena is hauling a huge rakk which immediately puts Tim in mind of his last trip to Fyrestone. His eyes find Ned automatically and he admires how handsome his lover looks until Ned lifts his head and starts looking for Tim. Their eyes meet, and both of them look away from each other.

Ted brings his dead skag over for Blake to admire. “I got you the biggest one. You wanna learn to skin it? I’ll show you how.”

Blake smiles. “That’s quite alright, love, I shall leave it to the professionals,” he says, and Tim looks away hastily as the two share a kiss. “Have you recovered from your shock at Zed’s impending fatherhood?”

Ted rolls his eyes. “At least we got the proof that ‘boring’ really _is_ contagious.”

“Tricia didn’t think it was boring when it was happenin’,” Zed says irritably. “You just ask her.”

“Maybe I will,” Ted challenges. “She’s gonna tell us ‘bout every li’l ‘ooh, Miss _Tannis!_ Your doctorate just feels so _good_-”

Zed throws his own skag carcass at Ted who, thanks to his hands being full, is helpless to fend off the dead animal hitting his face and knocking him down.

“Hey!” Ted yells as Zed keeps him pinned by leaping over the fire pit and sitting on him. “Get offa me – damnit, Ned, help me out here!”

“I got places I need to be,” Ned says quickly, dumping the carcass he’s carrying and disappearing into the motel.

Tim watches in fascination as the two remaining brothers thrash around wildly. “This skag stinks worse’n your ass, Zed! Get _off!_ Jeff, c’mon!”

“Would you mind getting off of him at your earliest convenience?” Blake asks politely.

“Sure thing,” Zed agrees, not budging an inch.

Ted slaps the ground. “You just said you’d get off!”

“It ain’t my earliest convenience yet,” Zed informs his brother calmly. “You’d better watch that smart mouth if you wanna be around the mother of my child.”

“How d’you know it’s yours?”

Tim decides to follow Ned into the motel, hearing Blake’s admonition ringing out behind him. “Theodore, if you ever want him to let you up, you might begin by not giving him more reasons to keep you there.” 

Ned’s in their room stripping his shirt off as Tim walks in, sitting on the bed. “You come in just t’smell my breath, or what?” Ned demands.

“I can if you really want,” Tim says. “I was just going to tell you that they’re still fighting but it seems like you want to fight, too.”

Ned frowns at him. “I don’t got time for this, Tim. The fuck you want from me?” He turns away to grab a shirt that’s seen better days and pulls it on.

Tim knows Ned well enough to realize that any olive branch extended right now would just be slapped to the ground and stomped on a few times. “More than you can give, I guess,” he says. “I don’t really know _what_ I expected.”

“Especially from _me_, right?” Ned snarls at him.

“You know what? Yes. _Yes_, especially from _you_.” Tim jumps to his feet and squares off with Ned so that they’re less than an inch apart. “You don’t get to walk all over me, Ned. Not anymore, and not ever again.” They glare at each other, and Tim deliberately steps back when the tension begins to turn from mutual anger to something quite different. “No,” he reminds Ned. “_No_.”

Ned looks like he’s going to override Tim’s warnings, but they’re both saved by someone pounding on the side of the motel and yelling out Ned’s name. Apparently his presence is urgently requested by the dead skags.

Tim emerges to find that Blake is working with Janey and Patricia has disappeared to watch the triplets process the skags. He helps as much as he’s able, listening quietly as Janey tells them all about Hollow Point and invites Blake to bring Ted for a visit. 

Ted and Athena come back around the side of the motel, looking like they’ve just finished scrubbing themselves clean. “I see you were finally released from captivity,” Blake says to Ted.

“Man, that was gross as fuck. My face was, like, _right_ up against some glands or somethin’. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again,” Ted complains. “Don’t even get me started on the parts of the _skag_ that was touchin’ me…”

Janey looks at Athena curiously. “What else was touching him?”

“Doctor Zed’s backside,” Athena says.

The party gets underway and Tim’s feeling depressed enough to down the first few shots of liquor he’s offered, which leads him to drink even more – a _lot_ more than he’s used to. The lights, food, and good company make him forget about his troubles for a while, and he loosens up enough to call a truce with Ned…who is also drinking.

Tim allows Ned to steal a kiss or three, and his inhibitions take the night off; he tows his lover back into the motel and lets Ned fuck him, desperate to feel something besides loneliness.


	18. It Takes Two To Make a Thing Go Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jakobs Cove power couple take their dysfunctional show on the road. Next stop: Aegrus.

When morning finds them, Tim is horrified. He’s done it _again_, and he hates himself for it even as his body seems to be pathetically grateful. He hates himself even more when Ned wakes and begins to fondle him sleepily, and Tim’s too needy to refuse. His emotions are in complete turmoil – something Ned finally picks up on, and Tim isn’t sure _what_ to think as Ned tucks a fold of blanket between them and pulls his hands back. “Sorry.”

Tim winces at the smell of Ned’s alcohol-laden morning breath even as the roughness in Ned’s voice makes his entire body ache to be touched. Again. And again. _Bad ideas are bad for a reason_, he tells himself. “It was my fault, too. I missed you. _Miss_ you.”

Ned turns onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. “Nothin’ about me is worth missin’.”

He’s not even going to touch that one. “We don’t have to head to Aegrus right away, do we? I need a shower first.” Tim says, sitting up and scrubbing a hand through his hair with a loud yawn. 

‘There’s time,” Ned confirms, rolling over to go back to sleep while Tim searches for his clothing.

The morning air is still cold enough to make him shiver when he steps out of the motel after his shower, and Tim shrugs into one of the pullovers he’d brought with him. Athena and Ted are talking quietly over beside the fire while Blake is huddled over a steaming mug of coffee. Zed’s nowhere to be seen, and neither is Patricia – he can hear faint banging noises out by the Catch-a-Ride, so Tim figures that Janey is working on something. 

Ted makes eye contact with him, looks over at a dented pan full of coffee, and returns to his conversation. “Thanks,” Tim says, only to be ignored. “Hey, Jeff.”

Blake lifts his head and squints up at him. “It will be a good morning once my head stops pounding, so I shall settle for saying ‘hey’ back to you.”

Grabbing up a mug, Tim pours himself some coffee and picks up one of the InstaHealths that someone had set out. “There’s a whole boxful of these – want one?” Blake declines; apparently he gets nauseous when he’s had caffeine coupled with an Anshin special, and he wants coffee more than instant relief. Tim laughs and settles on the bench beside his friend, sighing inwardly as Ted looks over at him. “Why does he _do_ that?”

“At this point, I’m sure it’s pure reflex,” Blake murmurs. “How is Ned?”

“Sleeping,” Tim says.

Blake looks over at him thoughtfully. “Timothy…I hope you do not mind, but both Ted and I are of the opinion that you and Ned will need to have time alone once we reach Aegrus.”

“Huh? I thought the whole point was for all of us to hang out together,” Tim says, though he himself had been loosely planning a way to talk to Ned - _really_ talk, for the first time ever.

“There will be time enough for that, I assure you,” Blake says, lowering his voice. “Whatever is between you, I want it to be settled – do you hear me? I simply cannot allow any friend of mine to be so clearly upset while I might have a way to help. You saved my sanity at a time when I was in dire need of companionship and if I can help you in any way, I will do it whether you like it or not.”

Tim isn’t sure if he’s touched by this unsolicited declaration of friendship, or offended by Blake’s presumption. In the end, he has to laugh about it – and laughs harder when Blake hunches his shoulders and hisses at him to shut up because he’s being too loud. “Okay. Sure. Let’s say we do this – how are you going to keep Ned from just…leaving?”

“We will figure that out in an hour or so,” Blake promises. “Leave the details to us. Now, either be quiet or go away entirely.”

Two by two, Fyrestone empties throughout the morning until Tim and Ned are the only ones left. 

Ned’s still in their room doing who knows what, and Tim wanders into the town to make sure Zed’s electric fence is turned on. It is, so he goes over to peek inside the Marcus Munitions outlet that someone had forced their way into. His money’s on Ted. There’s a thick layer of dust covering everything, and plenty of dirt that’s blown inside the building. There’s also a broom propped up against the ammo vendor, so Tim sweeps the worst of the mess back out into the street and pulls the rolling door back up until it latches at the top. 

He turns to find Ned waiting for him beside the Fast Travel, looking better than he had when they’d woken up together. He looks almost unbearably handsome with his hair still damp from his own shower. “Got everything?” Ned asks, nodding towards the two bags stacked beside him.

“Yeah, I think so,” Tim says. “Did you lock up the motel?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go, then.”

They’re digistructed directly into the lodge and separate almost immediately – Ned leaves to find his brothers, and Tim stays in the main area to admire the rustic décor. He studies the taxidermy heads on display, trying to work up the courage to go see where everyone else is, but he feels unaccountably shy.

The sound of footsteps approaching makes him pretend to lean over the guest book as if he were reading it, and glances up to see Ted walking in. “Nice of y’all to show up, kid. What took s’damn long?”

A desperate glance around shows that nobody is going to save him from an actual conversation with Ted. “Oh, uh. You know. It was a long night…I mean, not like _that_-”

“Sure sounded like that from the hallway,” Ted says with a nasty grin. “Where’s Ned at?”

“He went over…there.” Tim motions with his hand, which makes Ted’s smirk deepen. “You’re not a nice person.”

Ted informs him that one of the myriad ways in which he assassinates people is by killing them with kindness, and Tim wants to wrench one of the taxidermy animals off the wall and throw it. He settles for a scowl instead, and Ted leaves to find Ned.

He doesn’t leave the room until he’s sure that Ted’s gone.

Tim slowly eases into the hall, trying to see where he’s supposed to spend the night, and finds that he’s sharing with Ned again. Of course the bed is unbelievably tiny, too, but Zed sticks his head in the room and lets Tim know that they have a pullout chair in their bedroom; if Tim has the time for it, they can move it right then. “You could prob’ly put it in the front room, if you wanted,” Zed tells him.

“I don’t want to be a pain, Zed. You go on and hang out with Patty – I’ll be okay.”

The other man frowns slightly. “If you’re sure.”

“I am,” Tim assures him. “Thank you. Really.”

“A’ight, then,” Zed says cautiously.

Tim unpacks quickly, spies on Ned for a little while, then is poking around the front room when Ted comes back with Blake in tow. “Are you guys coming back in for the night?” Tim asks hopefully, fixing his eyes on Blake.

“We _were_ on our way back out, actually,” Blake says, then elbows Ted.

“Ugh. You wanna come with, or what.” Ted rolls his eyes. “I guess you might as well get some drivin’ practice in, too, since you got a big day tomorrow.”

“What’s happenin’ tomorrow?” Ned asks from the doorway, holding a bottle in one hand and a large knife in the other.

Ted smiles at his brother. “It's a surprise. You’re gonna love it.”

“If you say so.”

“Oh, Ned. Ned, Ned, _Ned_. I certainly do say so,” Ted says, and Tim can see Blake’s elbow digging into his side again. “You want us to bag anything special for dinner? It’s your night for it, right?”

Ned looks at each of them in turn, frowning slightly. “Yeah, it’s my night. Maybe get a couple boroks, I heard they ain’t bad if you roast ‘em.”

“We’ll get you a pink one,” Blake promises, and gives Ted a shove towards the door. “Isn’t that the color of the one we saw earlier, darling? _Pink?_” 

Tim hangs back as the other two leave, clearing his throat awkwardly. “You’ll be fine here on your own, right?”

“I’m not gonna drink so much I sprout gills, if _that’s_ what you mean,” Ned says.

“And to think I was actually feeling guilty for leaving you behind,” Tim says, throwing up his hands. “Wow. Go fuck yourself.”

“Why would I do that, when you’re always ready to-” 

Ned’s head snaps back from the force of Tim’s full-armed slap. They stare at each other in shocked silence and Tim can’t believe what he’s just done – they’ve never struck each other in anger before and the fact that he’s the one who’s violated that unspoken rule…he feels sick. “Oh, my god. Ned, I am so sorry.”

“I pushed you into it,” Ned sighs. “Go on; they’re waitin’ for you out there.”

“Will you still be here when I come back?” Tim asks.

Ned’s eyebrows lift sharply. “You think I’d leave ‘cause of _that_ bitty tap? I been hit harder by a blade of goddamned grass. Now, _get_.”

Tim goes.

He catches up to Blake and Ted at the Catch-A-Boat, where Blake is perusing the paint options. “There you are, Timothy,” his friends says. “What do you think; a nice _green_, perhaps?”

Tim shrugs, still feeling out of sorts from his confrontation with Ned. “I guess, but wouldn’t you rather have something you can actually _find_ again?”

“Get the green,” Ted says immediately, which makes Blake hide a smile as he hits the ‘digistruct’ button. “Don’t you make me regret lettin’ you come along, Twinkasaurus,” Ted warns, eyeing Tim.

“Theodore,” Blake says, “Why don't you explain the controls? These look a bit unfamiliar.”

Ted makes the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture at Tim, and begins pointing. “That there’s the throttle…”

Blake climbs up into the raised seat and the fanboat lurches and slides through the marsh. Tim’s stomach lurches right along with it and he clamps his lips together so that he won’t throw up right then and there. He’s completely blown away by finding out what Ted is _really_ like, however – Tim has only ever been on the receiving end of Ted’s scathing commentary and mean-spirited insults, coupled with a stare that’s more effective than a box of laxative. _This_ Ted is…a _lot_ like Ned, and even Zed when Zed’s in an especially good mood. It’s easier to see why Blake has coupled up with him, actually.

Blake huffs and snorts through Ted’s never-ending flood of wit as Ted carefully manages him into being a better fanboat driver. Tim’s motion sickness is definitely grateful for it. “You see? I told you I was able to drive anything,” Blake says.

“Is that what you said? _Look out for that midget!_”

Blake stops the boat so quickly that Tim falls out, hitting the water hard enough to get the wind knocked out of him. “What midget? Where?”

“There’s no midget,” Tim says irritably, slogging back towards the boat with a large wet spot on his ass. Just when he was warming up to Ted, something like _this_ had to happen. It fucking _figures_.

“Not anymore, there’s not. Since we’re stopped, whyn’t you switch places? You’d be higher up so maybe your ass would dry off quicker.” Ted smiles, innocence itself as Tim glares at him. Blake sticks a finger into Ted’s ribs. “What? There was a midget,” Ted insists.

Tim just _bets_ there was.

He gets the hang of driving and he’d like to think that he’s a faster learner than Blake was. Ted makes him stop long enough for Blake to climb up into the turret seat, and crouches at the prow while he checks something on his ECHO.

Tim drives past the lodge in the opposite direction, and Ted calls out a warning as they come up on another structure. “Let’s stop here.”

‘Here’ being a massive cage – Tim doesn’t want to run across whatever creature this was made to hold. He steers the fanboat closer and they all examine the cage. “Hey. You think Junior’d like it down here?” Ted asks, looking up at Blake.

“I'm sure he would enjoy himself immensely, Theodore, but I wouldn't advise it unless you know he could defend himself against predators,” Blake says. “Perhaps you could have Saybrook capture a few creatures so that…Junior…could test the waters, so to speak.”

Tim kills the engine after maneuvering the fanboat close to the cage. “Who’s Junior?”

“Our son,” says Ted immediately. “Sticks here can't decide if he wants t’be the mom, or not.”

Blake smiles at the look of surprise on Tim’s face. “A family can be two fathers and one tork,” he says, making Ted snort loudly.

“A tork? Junior is a _tork_?”

Ted ignores the question and goes to inspect the cage. “This looks sound enough, but how’re we gonna get his ass in here, plant a bottle of Zaford whiskey on the ground and hope he goes for it?”

“Um. When Jack…hired me, there was this Lost Legion soldier we tricked into taking a moonshot ride,” Tim says, “but I’m not sure Ned would rush into a pizza party.”

“A _what_.”

Tim explains about the digistructed cargo-container pizza party, and he has to admit that Zaford whiskey played a role in that ill-fated escapade as well. Nobody has to know about the poor guy’s unfortunate ending down on the surface of Elpis, so he keeps that to himself. “I doubt we need to trick him inside with anything more than what is present now,” Blake says thoughtfully. “All we have to do is lock _you_ in first. Ned will take the bait. Theodore, you can work out a way to block his escape route while I play the distressed friend who leads him into the trap.”

They work out the finer details, and then finally get around to what they were supposed to be doing all along – hunting. Ted even kills the pink borok that Blake had wanted.

Tim stays with the carcass pile, ears still ringing thanks to the grenade fishing they’d been doing, while the other two leave to digistruct another boat from the nearest station. He paces around the piled bodies with the fervent hope that no predators decide that they want a free meal, finally climbing up on the nearest rock pile to see if he can catch a glimpse of the returning couple. What he sees are two fanboats racing around and bumping into each other; after what seems like an eternity, the boats finally approach where Tim is waiting.

“Blake forgot how to drive again, in case you’re wonderin’ what took s’damned long,” Ted announces, hopping down from the driver’s seat to start loading up the dead animals. 

The subject of his slander steps on Ted’s foot and pretends it was accidental. “We truly were not intending to be gone that long.”

“Some things just can’t be rushed,” Ted adds, sidling away from the elbow that Blake aims at his ribs.

They drive back to the lodge, where Ned meets them to help lug the cargo up the steps. “Just around here’s good…you wanna help me, Tim? Betcha can’t skin one without losin’ your lunch,” Ned goads.

“Anything you can do, _I_ can do,” Tim says, grimly determined to prove Ned wrong. Oddly enough, he feels more at ease now that they’re alone together. Tomorrow they’ll finally get everything out in the open…whether Ned wants it to be, or not. “Where’s everyone else?”

Ned explains about the native inhabitants of the continent, who have invited Zed and Patricia for a visit at one of the nearby settlements. “We could go see ‘em, but they don’t care much for anything Hyperion-related; Jeff didn’t tell nobody who he was when he an’ Ted met ‘em this morning.” Tim watches Ned tie the borok’s back…things… to one of the lowest tree branches and produce a knife from thin air, which makes Tim wonder where it had been hiding all this time; Ned isn’t exactly the most graceful of the three brothers.

The other couple walk back down to the dock and Blake gives Tim an encouraging thumbs-up before Ted switches the sniper rifle he’s carrying to the other arm and tugs Blake along. “Come _on_.”

“Is he always that pushy?” Tim asks when Ted’s safely out of earshot.

“Yup. Now, just make your first cut _here_ and try not to hurl…”

It’s every bit as gross as Tim had known it would be, but he survives it through sheer determination and only throws up in his mouth a _little_. Ned notices, rolling his eyes when Tim insists that it’s just acid reflux.

After their earlier confrontation, Ned is careful not to pick any fights and they’re getting along pretty well – one of the things that Tim’s always liked the most about Ned is how easy it is to just _be_ with him. The deep, rough voice doesn’t hurt, either. Then there’s the handsome face, the fantastic body, the fact that Ned knows exactly what to do with that body… “Doin’ okay, there?” Ned asks him suddenly.

Tim blinks in surprise. “Yeah, just, uh – just…”

“…helpin’ me bring the last of this in so we can get rid of the leftovers? Why, thank you kindly,” Ned says.

They take care of the processed meat (and what’s left behind from the processing…process), leaving their shirts outside to soak in a bucket of water so that they don’t bring in any extra blood and guts. Tim talks about his driving lesson and his first experience with grenade fishing while Ned prepares the evening’s meal, both of them stopping to pull on clean shirts.

He hops up on the counter to watch Ned cut up the meat, season it, and start frying it in batches using some of the fat he’d trimmed off the carcasses. “So you’re not going to roast it, then. What _are_ you making?”

“It’s gonna be stew. Patty brought back some root vegetables an’ stuff from Darryl’s settlement so I figured I’d throw some shit together, hope for the best.”

Tim’s had a lot of experience with Ned ‘throwing shit together’ and it’s always turned out great, so this time should be no different. “I could help you, if you want,”he offers.

Ned starts to say no, then pauses to look over at him. “What the hell; sure. Just rinse that” he gestures towards the pile of vegetables “then cut it all up. Bite-sized pieces’d be just fine. I’ll finish this, then get the sauce ready.”

“Okay, great,” Tim says, jumping down from his perch to go wash his hands.

He gets the root vegetables rinsed and the tops pared off before he slices them into small chunks. It feels good to be working with Ned on something that isn’t zombie related, and Tim realizes that he feels happy again – it’s such a nice change from the constant stress of their troubles that he can’t hold back from sliding his arms around Ned and burying his face between Ned’s shoulder blades. “What brought this on?” Ned asks cautiously.

Tim’s arms tighten. “I’m glad we came here.”

Ned’s hand comes up to cover his. “Good.” 

“I should finish up,” Tim says, and Ned releases him immediately. They return to their respective tasks and Tim sneaks a peek over his shoulder at Ned to find the other man watching him. “The meat’s gonna burn.”

“Mind your own business or you’ll cut a finger off,” Ned retorts.

Tim smiles down at the vegetables and uses the knife to scrape the finished cubes into a nearby bowl, then grabs the rest of them so that he can be finished more quickly. From behind him he can hear Ned’s soft huff of impatience mixed with the sound of the wooden spoon stirring the frying meat.

Excusing himself quickly, Tim darts into their shared bedroom and digs through his pack for the bottle of lubricant that he’d tucked into a clean pair of socks. He makes sure that the door is locked before lowering his pants, but Tim still looks around self-consciously before doing what he’d intended. A stop in the bathroom is needed so that he can wash his hands, and Tim practices his excuse if Ned happens to ask what he was doing. “Oh, I just had to check on my pistol,” he tells his reflection, widening his eyes so that he looks as innocent as possible.

When the last batch of meat is being transferred to another plate, Tim turns around to find that Ned’s had the exact same idea. They come together for a slow kiss that raises Tim’s temperature more effectively than the heat from the stove ever could. Ned’s hands are gentle on his body, hesitant of their welcome, but Tim provides reassurance by deepening the kiss and reaching between them to palm the growing bulge in Ned’s pants. “Can the stew wait for a while, or do you have to finish it right now?”

“It can wait,” Ned assures him feverishly, reaching over to turn the heat off. “Shouldn’t we go in the room, though?”

“No. I want it right here on the table,” Tim says boldly.

“Uh…okay,” Ned agrees, clearly thinking that Tim might change his mind if they don’t get to it right away. “But, Tim. I don’t got any-”

“You’re not the only one who can prepare himself,” Tim interrupts, trying not to blush. He fails, of course.

Ned shoves a hand down into the back of his pants, pupils dilating when he realizes that Tim is serious. “That is hot as _hell_. I want in that ass right the fuck now.”

“Then get your dick out and quit wasting my time,” Tim says unsteadily.

He tears at his pants, shoving them down, and leans over the table. Ned comes up behind him and shoves his fingers in to gauge how ready Tim really is, and then…

Tim yells out when Ned’s cock is unceremoniously shoved deep inside his body, the thick shaft stretching him wide. It hurts a little, but it’s so damned _good_ that the sharp burn of pain is worth it. Ned drives into him hard and fast while Tim grips the edges of the table like his life depends on it – he hopes nobody decides that it’s time to investigate the kitchen.

Ned’s fingers dig into Tim’s hips as he’s held steady and thoroughly used. A steady, ever-increasing whine starts up in the back of Tim’s throat while Ned takes his pleasure; when Ned finally drops a hand between Tim’s legs, Tim ducks his head to get a mouthful of his shirt’s collar.

He chews on the fabric in an effort to keep from screaming when Ned’s other hand fists in his hair, pulling Tim’s head back while pumping Tim’s cock in his other hand. Ned continues the rough thrusts that steadily bring Tim to the edge…and then, past it. Tim comes with a choked yell, Ned’s fingers skillfully drawing out his orgasm and only letting up when he pushes his hips back to avoid Ned’s touch. 

Ned himself is taking advantage of the way Tim’s body is spasming around his cock, reaching climax a handful of seconds later and biting down on the back of Tim’s neck to silence his own groans. The sudden shock of pain makes Tim clench down on Ned, who moans even louder and grinds against him. 

“God _damn_, kid,” Ned pants. He maneuvers Tim back to their bedroom where they collapse together in a sated tangle of limbs, and Tim’s various aches are tended to with an InstaHealth and soothing touches. “What _was_ that?”

Tim wallows in the aftermath, enjoying the kisses and tender caresses he’s been craving. “I have to be optimistic about this, that’s all. Things are going to get better for us.” He stretches, closing his eyes and smiling as Ned palms the strip of skin revealed at his waist. “I just know it.”

“If you say so,” Ned tells him.

He opts to take a quick shower while Ned cleans himself off and goes back to the kitchen, intent upon finishing dinner. Tim feels slightly awkward when the other couples start arriving, however, and he finds it hard to make eye contact with anyone.

Patricia is clearly delighted with the way her day has been spent, and bends his ear about Darryl’s tribe. Tim welcomes the distraction as Ned passes through the room in search of…something, and he realizes that he’s actually interested in what Patricia has to say about Aegrean traditions.

Blake and Ted come in, and Blake’s reaction to Patricia seems so weird, Zed finally says something about it. “Somethin’ wrong, Blake?”

“Hm? Oh, no-”

“He’s got shell-shock over seein’ Patty bang your brains out,” Ted says, lifting his eyebrows suggestively. “That was some acrobatic shit, I gotta _say_.”

Zed smirks and leans back in his chair. Patricia, however, leans forward. “Did it look terribly awkward?” Tim leans _back_, wondering if _everyone’s_ just had sex before they got back to the lodge.

“Nah, you’re fine…and _fine_. You just let me know the second you get tired of Zed, sweetheart. I’d trade Jeff for you in a hot second,” Ted promises.

“Hey,” Blake says, looking over warningly. “Don’t I get a say in the matter?”

“You'd have to start eatin’ a lot more first, that’s for sure,” Zed tells him. “Ted, don’t you ever _feed_ him?”

Ted winks. “As often as he’ll let me.”

“Dammit, Ted, why you gotta be like this? With food, you sex maniac; with _food_.” 

Gross, Tim thinks.

“I believe I have already fielded an offer much like yours, from Ned,” Patricia says. “While flattering in the extreme, I must say that I greatly prefer Zed in matters pertaining to companionship as well as various sexual activities…so I must decline.”

Zed raises his eyebrows. “See? She’s fine where she is.”

“That’s cause she ain’t tried _us_ yet,” Ted needles. “C’mon, honey. Be honest, now – you ever get dick so good you couldn’t even think straight a week after the deed?”

Patricia blinks at him. “Frequently. Have _you?_”

“Well…no. Blake? Work on it,” Ted says, making Blake roll his eyes and sigh while Zed lets out a loud guffaw.

"Someone call Marshall Friedman 'cause we got a murder scene here!"

"Funny," Blake grumbles.

Ned comes in and begins passing out plates of stew, along with some fried bread that he’d obviously made after they’d had their…excitement in the kitchen. “Y’all want any more, you can get it your damned selves,” he announces, sitting down beside Tim once everyone else has started to eat. “Who’s up next – Ted’s turn, right?”

“Yup. I’ma take Jeff grenade fishin’ – long as we can find a freshwater pond that ain’t been polluted by a certain horndog who’ll remain nameless.”

“You’re just jealous ‘cause we called dibs,” Zed suggests. Patricia laughs and continues eating, but leans against Zed possessively and puts a hand on his leg. “How ‘bout you, Ned? Takin’ that boy anywhere special tomorrow?”

Ned glances over at Tim, who looks away. “I dunno. Maybe.”

“I thought I might borrow Timothy for an hour or so, actually,” Blake interrupts smoothly. “Just in the morning. He’s promised to teach me a few things about hunting bullymongs – Theodore wasn’t quite up to the task earlier.” He ignores Ted’s glare and bites into a piece of bread, while Ned licks his finger and taps the air in front of Ted as he makes a sizzling sound.

They finish their meal and relax outside, talking and laughing. Blake and Ted are a lot more demonstrative than Tim’s ever seen them, and it makes him glad to see Blake so content. “What’s this I hear ‘bout you gettin’ your job back? Jakobs really let you back in?” Ted asks.

Ned shrugs, and Tim stares at him in disbelief when he realizes that Ned’s brought a bottle of something outside with them. “Turns out they value my services even _more_, now they know what I got up top,” he says, tapping a finger against his forehead.

“Guess they got a thing for cobwebs, ‘cause that's all that’s up there,” Zed teases.

“Cobwebs, and a guaranteed treatment to stimulate re-growth of severed limbs.”

“No friggin’ _way_,” Ted says, his grip on Blake loosening as he leans forward. “How.”

Ned is clearly enjoying his rapt audience. “Patent pending, bitch.”

Zed’s eyes narrow. “You’re lyin’. No way you can do that; nobody can do that.”

“Well, guess again. Check it out – I lost two fingers last week.” Ned holds up his left hand, and Patricia levers herself out of her chair to go look. 

She grabs his wrist and hauls his hand close to her face, frowning at it until her eyes abruptly go wide. “Zed.”

Zed moves in to take a look, and Ted follows curiously. “Junior, were you there when….what _did_ happen to your hand?”

“It don’t matter,” Ned says hastily.

“Yeah, I was there. He thought he could stop a Dahl mining door from closing if he stuck his hand in there.”

Ned sighs. “Why you gotta expose me like this?” 

“It takes a special kinda stupid t’do a damn fool thing like that,” Zed snaps. “You’re lucky it didn't take the whole hand off. So how’d you get the fingers to regrow? I’m gonna guess they were smashed to hell…”

Ned explains the process to his brothers, who are listening intently, and Tim gets up to help when he notices Blake clearing the dishes. “Hey, let me give you a hand.”

Blake smiles in thanks. “Have you decided how we should lure him into the cage with you? I was thinking that you could pretend to be injured by a stalker.”

“I’m not sure that would work, because Ned knows I’ve killed tons of stalkers up on Helios. Maybe one of those weird things that look like they’re on stilts?”

“Drifters, I believe they’re called.”

“Yes, those.” Tim sighs. “I’m not really looking forward to it.”

“Everything will be fine,” Blake says reassuringly. “Ted and I will make sure you have the opportunity to speak with Ned, but the rest will be up to you.”

Tim rubs his hands over his face despairingly. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”


	19. Trapped in a Bamboo Cage of Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Der Monstrositat‘s old cage is used for couple’s therapy, and one-half of the couple isn’t happy about it.

In the morning, Ned doesn’t do more than look irritated when Blake invites Tim along on a scouting trip. Tim’s pleased to get away, especially since their fragile truce had been broken during the previous night’s dinner. They’d stayed up late arguing and neither of them had gotten the rest they needed; Tim’s head is pounding and the insides of his eyelids feel as if they’ve been scoured with sand.

Ted had left earlier, and they arrive at the cage to find him finishing work on an improvised pulley system that Blake looks at admiringly. “Excellent work, love.”

Ted grins. “Aw, shucks - you’re gonna make me blush. Get on in there, pretty boy.”

“I have a name,” Tim mumbles.

“Do ya, now? That’s real swell, kid, but I could be doin’ somethin’ a lot more fun with your best buddy over there and you’re keepin’ me from it. Excuse me if I don’t give a damn. Get in the fucking _cage_.” Ted narrows his eyes at Tim threateningly and climbs up to the boardwalk, settling on one of the crates he’d pulled from the cage earlier. Tim glances up to see Ted’s smile towards Blake. “You wanna bring my dumbass brother over here so’s we can get on with our day, Jeff?”

Blake looks up at his lover warningly. “Behave yourself, Theodore. Or else.”

“I’ll take the ‘Or Else.’”

“I mean it.”

“I sure hope so.”

Shaking his head, Blake climbs back on the fan boat and drives off. Leaving Tim alone with Ted while he’s trapped in a cage. “So, uh-”

“Shouldn’t you be practicing bein’ knocked out for when Ned gets here?” Ted demands.

“He’s not going to get here right away,” Tim says.

Ted gives him an unfriendly look, but then again that’s the only one Tim’s ever gotten from him. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say that Ted looks at everyone like that. “So that means you got even more time to play at unconsciousness. Which tends t’mean _quiet_ \- I ain’t here to be friends with you.”

“Why are you here, then? You’ve been nasty to me ever since we first met, and I’m tired of it – I didn’t do anything to you,” Tim points out. Ted has almost been acting like he’s _jealous_, which is so ridiculous that Tim’s not about to mention it. “Why are you helping me at all, when you don’t even _like_ me?”

“I’m helpin’ Ned, not _you_,” Ted says scathingly.

“Yeah. Thanks,” Tim shoots back, sitting down because he _wants_ to do it and not because he was told to. 

Ted sniffs loudly and ignores him until catching sight of Blake returning with Ned. “You’re up, Junior.”

Tim lays down quickly near the back of the cage, his heart pounding, and hears Ted move into hiding. The sound of the fanboat grows louder, until he hears Ned jumping down from the boat and running in towards him. Ted emerges from concealment and pulls on the rope, sending the door crashing down behind Ned.

He sits up. “I think that should do it – thanks, guys.”

“It’s a miracle,” Ted exclaims, dropping onto the top of the cage and looking down at them. “Coulda sworn he was at death’s door just a minute ago!”

“What the hell is this? What the _fuck_ is goin’ on?” Ned asks, his eyes darting from Tim to the other two men outside the cage as he starts to put two and two together. “You open this goddamned door right the hell _now_.”

“Apologies, Ned, but we thought it best if you talked things through with Timothy. He’s quite distraught-”

“I’ll make _you_ fucking distraught when I kill your ass, Blake,” Ned bellows.

Ted pulls one of the boards from the rickety steps just behind himself, swinging it down into the cage so that he can hit Ned with it. “Don’t you talk to him that way, you drunk piece of shit! Anyone’s gonna threaten to kill his skinny ass, it’s gonna be _me!_” Ted yanks the board up out of reach as Ned twists around and makes a grab for it. “No way, numbnuts. This boy’s gonna talk to you, and you’re gonna _listen_ \- nobody’s gonna turn you loose ‘til he’s finished with your dumb ass, so you’d better pay attention.”

Tim takes a step back involuntarily when Ned turns on him.

“He’s finished now.”

Tim takes one deep breath and two steps forward. “No, I haven’t even started. Thank you,” he says to Blake and Ted. “I’ll take it from here.”

Ted takes advantage of Ned’s momentary distraction to lean down and smack his brother with the board again. “Pay attention, dumbfuck.” Ned leaps up and grabs the slats of the cage, pulling his body up and reaching through to get to Ted, but his target skips backwards and brings the board down on Ned’s fingers. Ned snarls out a series of graphic threats and slams his body against the cage, making the whole thing shake.

The other couple leaves, and Tim sits down to wait for Ned’s rage to subside. “What the _fuck_ did you think you were doin’?” Ned yells at him.

“It wasn’t my idea, but if it works…it works,” Tim says. “Go on and try to keep breaking out of here; I can wait.” Ned storms up to hover threateningly over him and _that_ would work, too, but Tim’s not in the mood. “Could you move? You’re kinda blocking my light.” 

“Get up; you’re gonna help me get the door open.”

“No, I am not going to do that. If you’re done with the threats, can you just move on to the next predictable phase of your plan so I can shoot _that_ down, too?”

Ned is furious with him and for the first time, he’s not trying to hide any of his rage. Tim wonders if Ned was like this before his run-in with the Vault Hunters, or if this part of Ned’s personality came about after the fact. “The fuck? Predictable-”

“You know, the part of this where you turn on the charm and try to seduce your way out of trouble. It always works so well; why wouldn’t you try it this time, too?” 

Ned curses at him and turns away, kicking the cage door. Tim watches him try to climb the sides only to fall down several times, and says nothing even when Ned in his infinite wisdom decides to punch the door and winds up hurting himself. It’s _very_ hard to stay silent when Ned turns to see if Tim had been watching him behave like an idiot.

“Yeah, I saw that,” Tim finally says. “Are you done yet? Come over here and sit down.”

“You ain’t the boss of me,” Ned yells.

“You’re right. I’m more like your babysitter. Come sit down with me.”

“No.” Tim smiles at the look on Ned’s face when he realizes that he’d played right into Tim’s hands. Ned scowls at him and turns away, nursing his injured hand.

Ned ignores him for about an hour, which was to be expected. Tim’s just made the discovery of three condoms and a bottle of lube that had been stashed in the back corner – probably by Ted, who obviously thinks he’s hilarious. It’s a very ‘Ted’ thing for him to do and something Blake would never try in a million years.

“Y’all didn’t really hunt anything last night, did you?” Ned finally asks, still staring fixedly at the other side of the cage. 

“Of course we did,” Tim says. “If you’re trying to insinuate that we drove right here and talked about you the entire time, that’s not what happened. I didn’t tell either of them about our problems-”

“_My_ problems, you mean,” Ned sneers.

“I said ‘our’ and I meant it. Both Jeff and Ted decided – on their own – that we should be in this cage together. Jeff thought I should be here with you for my sake, and Ted thought you should be here for _yours_.” Tim waits for Ned to look over at him, and holds out a hand. “Please talk to me.”

Ned leans back against the bars with a weary sigh. “You got that job with Jakobs, the folks at the Cove _like_ you – you could be anything, go anywhere you wanted. Why the hell d’you _care?_”

“Because I love you,” Tim says without thinking, and they stare at each other in startled silence.

Ned finally finds his voice. “You _think_ you do-”

“…because I do.” He hadn’t meant to say it at all, especially not like this, but it _is_ true. Tim realizes that it’s been true for a while now.

Ned looks away. “Someone like you just ain’t for…for someone like me. You’re meant for better.”

Tim moves closer. “You keep saying that you’re not good enough. That’s not true. You _have_ to know that’s not true.”

“Only thing I know for sure is that I stop givin’ a damn once I get hold of a bottle…and that’s what you wanted to know all this time, ain’t it? If I get drunk enough, it just don’t matter no more. I don’t care that the entire Cove wants to see me with a bullet between the eyes for what I’ve done, I don’t care that the leftover circuitry’s got me so fucked up that sometimes it even hurts to breathe, an’ I don’t care that you’ll get weary of me and leave like you shoulda done months ago,” Ned says tiredly, closing his eyes and tilting his head back against the slats. “Is this what you wanted to hear, all those times you asked to talk? ‘Cause here it is.” 

He’d seen the warning signs of it, but Tim is in no way prepared for the depths of Ned’s self-loathing. “I hoped it wouldn’t come to this, so of course it’s not what I wanted,” Tim says. “You’re making it sound like you’re giving up.”

Ned opens an eye to look at him before closing it again. “Well, why shouldn’t I? Like you said, it ain’t like I can fuck my way outta this one.”

Tim smiles involuntarily. “You know what I meant.”

“I guess I…I just wanted t’see how far you’d let me go. Now I know.”

“Maybe it was always supposed to happen here,” Tim thinks aloud. “I only wanted things to be perfect between us. Stupid, right? Especially on Pandora – nothing can be perfect here.”

“Nope,” Ned agrees.

“Do you _really_ think that you’re so terrible, though? ‘Cause I don’t see that at all. Everyone’s done things that they shouldn’t.”

“You think mass murder is-”

Tim stops the self-deprecating joke before it can pick up any more steam. “I’ve done things you wouldn’t believe, when I was up on Elpis. I’m not proud of it, so I try to do better. _Be_ better. So you murdered the entire town of Jakobs Cove – I mean…that’s not great, but I know that _you’re_ trying to do better.”

Ned looks at him again. “It ain’t enough,” he says, and Tim points at him.

“But you’re still trying, even though it’s hard. I know it’s been tough on you with Cora in charge…you just need to keep going, Ned. I’m here for you; you _have_ to know that. There’s no way I’m ever going to get tired of you – half the fun of being around you is that I never know what you’re gonna get up to next.” Tim scoots over directly in front of Ned and reaches out to grab one of Ned’s hands. “Here’s what I think: I think that we barely scratched the surface. I think we still have a lot more talking to do, more than we can ever do sitting here in this cage. Can we at least agree to _try_ to be more honest with each other, instead of pretending that everything’s fine when it isn’t?”

There’s just no possible way that Tim’s going to be able to convince Ned of his own worth in the time they have left, especially since Ned’s spent so long hating himself – he just can’t undo all of that self-loathing in a hour. So many things about Ned’s behavior are starting to make sense. 

“Thought you’d want some kinda pledge, sealed in blood or somethin’,” Ned says, still trying to make a joke – it’s probably just a natural reflex of his.

Tim looks down at their joined hands and brings his thumbs up to rub against Ned’s scarred fingers. “I told you before, I think, about my mom. Maybe it was just Jeff that I told – at this point, I’m not sure…so I’m going to tell you again, about all of it.” 

He does, describing how his mother had started drinking after her access to painkillers had been terminated following an accident. How he’d watched her slowly warp into someone he no longer knew, because of her need to dull her senses. How their finances had suffered because of unwise investments carried out while she’d been under the influence, and the money he’d saved for education went towards her medical bills during her hospitalizations after numerous overdoses.

“Eventually, I realized that the best I could do for her was to just walk away. She refused treatment, lied to get her hands on any alcohol she could. In the end, she…she wasn’t my mother anymore. I was drowning in student loan debt because I’d spent everything I had – and a lot of what I _didn’t_ have – to help someone who didn’t want to change. The only thing left for me was to take the job that eventually landed me here, with you,” Tim finishes. “When you drink just to get drunk…when you do that, all I can think is that you’re going down the same road as _she_ was. And I know where that road ends, and I just-” he breaks off, wiping at his eyes. “I can’t go down that road with you. I love you, Ned, I really do. I love you so _much_ and it’s killing me that…that…”

Ned pulls Tim close and Tim shuts his eyes, feeling the comforting weight of Ned’s arms around him. Ned’s hands stroke his hair, rub his back in soothing patterns. “Well, damn,” Ned finally says; it’s the understatement of the decade, and makes Tim snuffle out a laugh. “I dunno what the fuck t’say about that.”

“You could start,” Tim says, his words muffled against Ned’s shirt, “by saying that you’ll try your best.”

“Well-”

“And that you love me, too,” Tim adds, struggling to sit up in the circle of Ned’s arms.

Ned’s eyebrows nearly hit his hairline. “‘Scuse me?”

“Oh, come on. Why else would you be that worried over losing me?” Tim points out, enjoying the look of discomfort on his lover’s face more than he strictly should. “I already said that I love _you_, so it’s not like you’re the one putting yourself out there.”

“But…_why_?”

Tim doesn’t need to ask Ned to clarify what he means. “I love you because you’re smart, thoughtful, kind, and you make me laugh. You’re…you’re just fun to _be_ around. I dunno, my life is _better_ with you here.”

Ned’s brow furrows. “I don’t think anyone’s ever thought that about me.”

“Well, I do, so you’re just going to have to deal with it,” Tim announces. “You already know that I don’t say anything that I don’t mean. So…?”

Ned sighs heavily, looking embarrassed. “A’ight, then. I’ll…try my best.”

“_And?_”

“…and I love you, too.”

Tim hurls himself back into Ned’s arms to pepper kisses all along Ned’s jaw and up over the bridge of his nose. Tim gets his desired end result when Ned starts trying to fight him off, laughing. They grin at each other like idiots until the humor of it fades into tenderness as Ned’s hands cup his face gently.

Their mouths connect in a slow kiss that Tim wishes could last forever, and he feels desire rising inside him. “Ted left us condoms,” he whispers when they come up for air.

“Yeah?” Ned hauls Tim onto his lap, pressing down on Tim’s hips and shifting his own. “How many?”

Tim sighs as their bodies slide into place so that he can feel Ned’s erection pressing up against his own through their clothes. “Three.”

“This ain’t the best place for that, but we could still have us a good time,” Ned suggests, his fingers busy with the fastenings of their pants. Tim licks his lips and spreads his legs for balance, groaning when Ned’s hand slides into his underwear to cup his balls. “I know Ted’s gotta be watchin’ us from somewhere and I’m not sharin’ you with nobody.”

Squirming against Ned’s palm, Tim is so desperate to be touched that he’d agree to almost anything…but this is one of the easiest bargains he’s ever made. “I’m all yours.” He has enough presence of mind to direct Ned towards the bottle of lubricant, and is nearly delirious with pleasure when Ned’s fingers sink into his body. “Oh god, that’s…that’s so good,” Tim groans.

Ned hums in agreement and Tim leans in for more kisses, reaching between them to press their cocks together. He loves the way it feels to be able to stroke both his dick and Ned’s at the same time, and…well, it even _looks_ hot. He’d much rather be completely naked with Ned’s bare body plastered against his where no one can see _or_ hear them, but there’ll be time enough for that. Actual _time_, because they really are together and Ned really does love him. 

A shiver goes through his body as Tim’s emotions start to get the better of him, and his stamina. “I’m gonna come.”

“What?”

Pleasure spikes through him and he tightens around Ned’s fingers convulsively, tears welling behind his closed eyelids. Tim humps Ned’s hand and accidentally comes on the front of Ned’s shirt as he moves his own hand too soon. “Sorry,” Tim mumbles.

“We gotta teach you how to aim,” is all Ned says, taking his fingers out and pulling the condom off of them so that he can turn it inside out and shove it into his hip pocket. “You, uh…you okay? That only took, like…”

Tim tries not to sniffle; he really does, but the sound comes out all the same. “I’m _sorry_. I just, um, got emotional and then disaster struck.”

“I’ll say it did. Good thing I didn’t ask you t’nail me,” Ned tells him.

“Very funny. Oh no, _you_ didn’t get to-” Tim struggles to zip himself up, looking around to make sure there isn’t a fan boat headed their way. “Lean back so I can take care of you.”

“Maybe we should save it ‘til later, just in case that” Ned gestures towards Tim’s undoubtedly reddened eyes “is contagious.” He softens his words by pulling Tim back into his arms for a cuddle. “You ain’t gonna cry on me _all_ the time after we get busy, right?”

“I hope not, but the first couple times might be a problem,” Tim admits. “This has just been stressing me out and now that I don’t have to feel that way…it’s a really big relief. Add that to the fact that it’s been years since I’ve been in love with _anyone_ and I really _am_ a disaster.”

Ned looks troubled. “I never meant for you to feel so bad, baby, I swear I didn’t.”

“I know it wasn’t a conscious decision,” Tim says, stroking a hand over Ned’s cheek and urging him down for a kiss. “But now I know that it’s not something I’m ever going to have to worry about again. So why don’t we celebrate that?” Ned doesn’t protest further, especially when Tim leans down over his lap.

Ned’s zipping up his pants and still looking slightly dazed when Tim hears a shot ring out. “That’s them.”

“I don’t have any, um…?” Tim gestures to his face and Ned shakes his head. “Okay, great.” They rearrange their clothing, and Ned’s eyes narrow as the fan boat approaches.

“Is everything okay?” Blake asks, looking over at Ted when Ned’s brother starts sniffing at the air loudly. “Stop that at once.”

“It will be,” Tim says. “Right, Ned?”

Ned looks over at Ted, shrugging. “Eh, I s’pose.”

“If we let you out, you gonna try to clobber me?” Ted asks.

“Yep.”

Ted’s smile is nothing short of evil. “Good, ‘cause I’ll beat your ass right in front of your sweet young thing. Show him how easy it is.” 

Blake rubs at the bridge of his nose. “Theodore.” Tim watches Ted lean in to murmur something. “Make it quick, then,” Blake says loudly. “That pool is large enough for us all to have a swim before the evening meal.” He stands aside as Ted pulls on the ropes to open the cage door, greeting Tim with a quick smile as his friend emerges first. “We might want to retire to the boardwalk before they get going, Timothy.”

Ned shoots out of the cage and tackles Ted before they have a chance to move to safety. “We’d better retire a lot faster,” Tim says, pulling Blake out of the way. “Let’s climb up over here.” They scramble up above the cages and watch the two brothers roll around on the ground.

“I take it that you’ve worked out your differences, somewhat?” Blake asks.

“Yeah,” Tim says and decides to spare his friend the details. “How did the fishing go?”

Blake tells him about doing some more grenade fishing, complaining about Ted’s disgust at his technique – when Tim hears about said technique, he can’t help laughing. “It killed the fish, so why does it even matter?” He glances back down, and Tim looks along with him.

Ned has just tackled Ted, who digs in and refuses to be bowled over, so they start kicking each other. “It’s just…it’s kinda stereotypical, you know? A gay man doing a dainty underhanded toss-”

“Of a _grenade_, which would explode either way!” Blake exclaims with a scowl. “Why would I need to perform an overhanded throw when all I needed was to blow a few fish to kingdom come? It’s not as if they were leaping to the attack. An overhanded throw in those circumstances is a waste of energy; there is no stereotype here, Timothy Lawrence, and I heavily resent the implication-”

Two identical heads pop up over the edge of the boardwalk. “What’re y’all talkin’ about?”

“None of your business,” Blake says immediately. “If you two are done with your foolishness, we might return these fish to the lodge now.”

“He’s mad because I laughed about his grenade throwing technique,” Tim says. “Underhand.”

Ned laughs. “You really are a granny banger,” he tells Ted. “Good t’see you holdin’ true to your roots.”

“Well, you just gotta find what you’re best at and then stick with it,” Ted says. “C’mon, let’s head back. I’ll get the fish ready – that way, they’ll be done by the time we get done with our swim.”

Blake is looking back and forth between the Blanco brothers. “What is he talking about? What roots?”

Ned finishes picking the moss out of his hair and settles a proprietary arm across Tim’s shoulders. “Oh, you know – we only got the biggest floozy in the Badlands standin’ right over there. You name it, Ted would try to fuck it. Someone musta gotten drunk, ‘cause I never heard of anyone else givin’ Mick Zaford’s granny a test drive. She was old as hell ‘fore we were ever born, but that sure didn’t stop Ted from havin’ a go at her.”

“She just needed a li’l attention, that’s all. And when that old girl took out those dentures an’ went to town on my dick – I’m tellin’ you, that was somethin’ _else_,” Ted declares. 

“Whatever it was, it was _messed up_,” Ned says.

Tim laughs at the appalled fascination on Blake’s face as the brothers go into shared hysterics about what was apparently one seriously horny grandmother. “There’s always something even crazier to discover about them, isn’t there?” Tim asks.

“At this point I’m afraid to find out anything else,” Blake sighs. “At any rate, I hope that you and Ned truly have reached an understanding.”

Watching his triplet collapse onto Blake’s, both of them still hooting about something, Tim smiles. “He wasn’t happy at all once you guys left…but everything’s going to be okay. We’ll work it out.”

Blake rests a hand on Tim’s shoulder. “I am beyond glad to hear it, Timothy.”

So is he.


	20. Bare Necessities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The water’s fine.

He’s not exactly thrilled to find out that they’re all going skinny-dipping. Blake hangs back with him and Tim finds it hard not to stare as the triplets take off their clothes and head into the water without a care in the world. It’s one thing to see _Ned_ get naked, but another when all three brothers do. Patricia disrobes without hesitation and Tim hurriedly averts his eyes because he doesn’t want to be caught staring, even though he can’t help but look at how massive her stomach has become.

Tim exchanges a glance with Blake, and they each strip down as quickly as possible. Sliding into the water, Tim slowly scoots along towards where Ned is talking to Patricia; Ted swims past, focused on Blake, and they join the others. “What’re you doin’ all the way over there?” Ned asks.

“The water’s cold,” Tim says, “and my foot just touched something gross.”

Blake is staring at Ned’s scars. “How did you get those?”

“Oh, just that whole mess out in Dividing Faults,” Ned says. “A freakin’ nightmare.”

“You ain’t wrong there; I was the one had to patch your ass back up again. _Again_,” Zed says irritably. “I’ve had enough of y’all dyin’ on me.”

“It ain’t my fault trouble likes me so damned much,” Ned protests.

Zed gives him a look. “Pretty sure it’s you who’s got a hard-on for mischief, not the other way ‘round. You’re so full of it, I can’t believe your eyes are still green!”

“Oh, so that _wasn’t_ you startin’ that feud with the Flynt boys? Both of y’all are full of shit,” Ted interrupts.

“I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life that I have ever been surrounded by so many penises,” Patricia says suddenly, derailing the impending squabble. “Actual ones, not just the slang terms intended for rude individuals.”

“I’ve never felt sorrier for you than I do right now,” Ted replies. “A gangbang is good for the soul.”

“Thanks for that piece of…wisdom,” Zed says. “Sure explains why you never came home.”

“Yup, that’s it.”

Ted lunges for Blake suddenly, and gets splashed in retaliation. “Don’t pull me under the water, it hasn't been properly analyzed yet.”

“We’re not staying here very long, are we?” Tim asks, moving behind Ned. The last time he’d been around this much water, there were zombies infesting it.

Patricia looks at him in surprise. “I was under the impression that you were a Vault Hunter. Surely a germ-laden body of water is no problem for a wholesale butcher such as yourself.”

“Normally it wouldn’t be, but the only water I’ve been close to recently are the swamps in Jakobs Cove – you definitely wouldn't want to skinny-dip _there_. Some of the zombies live in the water. Well, they don’t _live_ but you know what I mean.” Tim moves up against Ned’s back.

“We’re almost done there, though,” Ned says. “Ain’t but a handful more to put right and check off a list.”

Blake has a weird look on his face and Ted is smiling, which means someone is definitely trying to cop a feel over there. “Are they easily recognizable? I’m afraid I have little experience with the undead.”

Tim explains about the database in which all Jakobs employees are entered. “Once the serum starts working, you can just scan them. Ned knows a lot of them, anyway, so we mostly use the database if someone’s too far gone for him to recognize.”

“I suppose that would be helpful, as _you_ have never seen any of them before,” Patricia says.

“I’ve never seen anyone in Jakobs Cove before, but I’ve actually met _you_ before,” Tim points out. “I’ve met Zed before, too. You were inside Claptrap.”

Zed looks disgusted. “We were _where,_ now?”

Tim explains about being digitized into the steward bot’s consciousness; it’s the first time he’s really thought about it in years, and he can’t believe that he’d never even mentioned it. “There are… I guess you’d call ‘em digital copies of you in there, right in Fyrestone. Zed helped me reconstruct part of the file and then he handed the next phase of the operation over to Patricia. Let’s see, what did you call her…?”

“Yes, Timothy, what did he call me?” Patricia asks. Zed rolls his eyes.

“Oh, yeah. He called you, ‘Her Majesty,’” he says, which makes her start laughing.

“That was back when you annoyed the hell outta me,” Zed admits. “I may have talked some trash where Claptrap could hear me…that was only before I really knew you, though.”

“Really? What would you call me _now?_”

Zed grins. “I’d call you Her Imperial Majesty ‘cause you’re ten times as snooty.”

“That sounds right,” Patricia says calmly, making them all laugh.

“She’s snootin’ for two now,” Ned says.

Tim scratches his chin, wondering when – if ever – Ned’s going to speak up about the strong possibility that Patricia’s carrying multiples. “Can you even make that into a verb?”

“Sounds legit,” Ted says. “Let’s ask the ultimate snooter for the last word on this, though. Whatcha think, honey?”

Blake sighs heavily. “Leave me out of this, that word is ridiculous and so are you.”

Tim moves to a safe distance as the triplets start yet another fight, insults flying. It evolves into a water-bound brawl that’s more about goofing off rather than actually fighting. Blake and Patricia make their exit from the pool, which is probably the safest thing for them since insults aren’t the only things flying – and if Tim doesn’t want to be drowned accidentally, he’d better leave too.

His friends are deep in discussion as he climbs out of the water. “What are you guys talking about?” Tim asks, looking for his clothes and settling on tucking a towel around his waist. 

“The Vault on Elpis,” Patricia tells him.

“Weren’t you part of the team that…investigated…it?” Blake asks. “As I recall, it had already been opened, but it was never really clear whether or not the Lost Legion were the ones to have opened it.”

“I found a few of Zarpadon’s personal logs but she never said that _she_ opened it, just that she saw what was inside,” Tim says.

“What can you tell me about the Vault’s Guardians?” Patricia flings her hands up against the tidal wave that shoots up when Ned is thrown into the water. “Zed, please control yourself.”

“Sorry,” he yells back, not sounding sorry at all.

“Well, there are a few different kinds of Guardians – the toughest ones I saw were called Ophas. The Opha Superiors had these…things…that were like larvae, or something.”

“Really? Fascinating,” Patricia says. “I cannot believe we haven’t discussed this before. So when you say they resembled _larvae_…”

Tim describes the putti, which had to be the most annoying things he’d encountered up on the moon, and Blake wanders off to talk to Ted while Ned and Zed continue horsing around. Patricia is excited to hear of how the excavation site was laid out and they talk more about the Vault’s defensive systems. They’re so intent upon their discussion that Tim has no idea that _he_ is the topic of another discussion until Ted’s loud exclamation draws his attention.

“Lord above, below, and freakin’ _sideways_. Ned, what the hell is wrong with you? I’da been on bended knee lookin’ for forgiveness if I was you. God _damn_.”

“Timothy, your towel has developed a gape,” Blake calls out in warning.

“What? Oh, no.” Tim quickly readjusts the towel – why the hell hadn’t he just gotten _dressed_?

Patricia has already seen all there is to see in the moments before he fixes his fashion emergency. “That is enormous. I don’t normally pair the terms ‘goodness’ and ‘gracious’ but this occasion seems to call for it.”

“That ain’t a dick, it’s a damn murder weapon. How the hell d’you even sit down, son?”

“Leave him alone, you’re makin’ him embarrassed,” Ned cuts in. “Rule Number One of skinny-dippin’ says no comments ‘bout how folks look naked.”

Ted laughs. “He ain’t in the water no more. It don’t count…we’ll leave him be, though, out of sheer admiration if nothin’ else.”

“You’re a different matter, though, you dumbass,” Zed tells Ned. “If I wasn’t with Tricia I’d kill t’be in your spot and they had to trick you into a _cage_ with him? The Brain Trust of Fyrestone strikes again.”

Blake clears his throat. “I beg your pardon, but given Timothy’s unfortunate resemblance to Jack…”

“Yeah, that’s right; if I _also_ hadn’t been _run outta my own damn home_-”

“I feel suddenly light-headed and I think I might faint,” Patricia interrupts, effectively cutting off Zed’s complaints – Tim has intimate knowledge of how long Zed can talk about his hatred of Hyperion.

Ted laughs and leans in. “That was real slick, the both of y’all. Keep that thing covered, kid,” he tells Tim, who rubs at his flaming cheeks. “Let’s go get some food.”

Tim hops around trying to get dressed without anyone actually seeing anything else, and Ned decides to watch him do it instead of actually helping. “Lookin’ good, sweet thing.”

“Oh, stop it,” Tim grumbles. “Get out of there and hold the towel up for me.”

‘They already saw the goods, Timbo. The mystery is _gone_.”

“Yet my sense of modesty remains. Come _on_,” he begs. “Ned, please.”

Ned climbs out of the pond and stations himself in front of Tim, holding out a towel to block anyone else from viewing Tim’s nudity. Not that they’d look, because everyone else seems to be gone. Along with The Mystery, as Ned just put it. “Ooh, better hurry – that Drifter’s eyeballin’ your junk,” Ned suddenly announces.

“_Quit._” Tim finally manages to get his pants pulled up and is struggling with the mass of cloth rolled up just under his armpits while Ned dries himself off, leisurely getting dressed. “It’s back to work tomorrow morning…are you ready for it?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Ned says, zipping up and reaching for his shirt. “If you mean to ask if I’m lookin’ forward to it? No, but I said I’d see this thing through and I’ll keep my word. Here’s hopin’ Jakobs sent another offer that Cora’s gonna take so she’ll get the hell out. We could bang in her house to ward off any more evil spirits.”

“I’m looking forward to having some privacy.” Tim smiles and comes over to put his hands on Ned’s chest. “Once we get everyone turned back, it’ll get even better for us.”

“Think so?”

“_Know_ so,” Tim says, leaning into Ned’s kiss. “I also know something we can do when it’s bedtime.”

Ned grins, resting his hands on Tim’s hips. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“You’ll have to wait and see. I’ve got plans for you, Doctor.”

“Hmm. Last time you had plans for me, it turned out real nice.” They kiss again, and it’s slow and sweet. Tim leans into Ned’s touch, enjoying himself before he realizes that none of them have established that there _isn’t_ something gross living in the water, and that they need to take a shower. “You are somethin’ else,” Ned comments. “Let’s get on back ‘fore Jeff eats all the food.”

It’s nice to simply lounge around after dinner, without having a sense of impending doom hanging over him like a dark cloud. Everyone’s gathered together, talking in clusters of either two or three until one of them lifts their voice to include someone else. Tim leans against Ned with a contented sigh, listening to the low hum of conversation around him. He’s called upon to share a few stories about being a Vault Hunter, and both Blake and Patricia talk about their lives prior to coming to Pandora.

Ned’s arm is draped around him, and Tim closes his eyes to concentrate on the patterns Ned’s fingertips are drawing onto his hip. He’s relieved to find that Ned seems happier than he’s been in a while, and Tim’s looking forward to keeping it that way…to that end, he’s also looking forward to going back to their bedroom later. Tim leans closer to sneak a hand beneath the hem of his lover’s shirt and feels Ned pause.

“I better take this one elsewhere,” Ned announces. “He’s gettin’ impatient.”

“Just take it easy; those beds ain’t the sturdiest I’ve seen,” Zed advises.

“If they can survive you, Patty, and the quadruplets-”

Zed’s nostrils flare in agitation. “You shut your filthy mouth right now.”

Tim laughs and pulls Ned out of the room. “See you in the morning.” They close the door to their room and Ned pushes him against the wall. “They’ll hear us.”

“We’ll all be fuckin’ before the night’s over… so we’ll hear them, too,” Ned says, his voice rough-edged with want. “It sounds weirder’n it really is.”

That’s a relief, Tim thinks, because it sounds pretty damned weird.

Ned kisses him and he stops thinking altogether. Tim melts into Ned’s arms, and forgets about the fact that the other two couples might be able to hear them – all that matters is that he’s there with Ned, and that they love each other.

In the morning, Tim wakes to find Ned snuggling up to him; he closes his eyes and tries to pretend that he’s still asleep, laughing when Ned catches him at it. The lodge is still quiet, and they strive not to add any other noises apart from some _very_ creaky bedsprings.

“Was the bed that loud last night?” Tim whispers, appalled that everyone else had heard them.

“I dunno…hey, don’t _stop_...!”

The springs get even louder before they finally creak to a stop, and Tim’s worries that they’ve been overheard are instantly validated by an explosion of loud applause, whistles, and stomping coming from elsewhere in the hunting lodge. “Oh, god.”

Ned laughs and kisses Tim again before rolling away to look for his clothes. “They’re just jealous ‘cause they already got out of bed.” 

Zed is setting out breakfast for them when they leave their room, and he smiles as Tim tries to avoid looking him in the eye. “Mornin’.”

“Yes, hello,” Tim says hurriedly, because he’s remembering a lot of the sounds he’d heard from Zed and Patricia during the previous night. He doesn’t even want to _think_ about overhearing what was going on in Blake and Ted’s room. 

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, kid,” Zed says kindly. “Want some coffee?”

“Thanks. I mean, yes. Please.” 

Tim fans his burning face with his hands and glances over to see Ted ducking through the door in search of something. They stare at each other for what seems like an eternity, silently daring the other to say something. Ted breaks first. “Heh heh.”

“Oh, shut up. I heard you, too.”

“Good; I hope you learned a few things.”

Zed shakes his head with a smile, leaning over to hand Tim the requested coffee. “Can’t shame a man who’s never had any shame to begin with,” he says, then looks over at Ned. “Y’all back to the Cove today?”

“Yeah, but I thought I’d take this one to Wam Bam Island first. Maya and hers said they’d meet us there.”

Tim perks up at the mention of the Vault Hunter. “Where’s Wam Bam Island?”

“Who is going to Wam Bam Island?” Patricia demands, literally sweeping into the room with a huge blanket draped over her shoulders.

“We are,” Ned says.

“Look out for the huge crabs,” Ted says. “Watch for the ones in the _water_, too.”

“Don’t be _rude_, Theodore. It is easy to see that Timothy and Ned are committed to each other, so neither of them have venereal diseases,” Blake says, sticking his head through the door. “I’ve never been to that particular island; is it nice?”

It turns out that Blake and Tim are the only ones present who have never been there; Tim is pleased to hear about the pristine beaches, clear water, and coconuts. He’s never had a coconut before.

“What kinda freak’s never had a damn _coconut_-”

“Thee. Oh. _Dore_.”

“I’m just askin’!”

Blake rolls his eyes. “Well, it sounds wonderful. Perhaps we could join you,” he says to Tim’s horror.

“Much as I’d love to hold your best buddy’s hand as he splashes in the kiddie pool, hon, we already got plans,” Ted tells him. “C’mon, we gotta go pack up.”

“Thanks for sticking up for me, Ned,” Tim says. Ned stops shoveling food in his mouth long enough to give Tim a thumbs-up, then continues inhaling his breakfast. “Great.”

Patricia finally stops staring off into space and comes to sit down next to him. “Ted’s manners are atrocious. When he abducted me, I found that hitting him with a rebar was very therapeutic.”

Zed slides another plate in front of Tim, leaning back against the wall and crossing his arms. “Don’t pay him no mind. He’s just jealous.”

“Of what? Thanks, this looks good…”

“Of _you_. Thinks you’re gonna decide to make off with Blake, don’t he?” Zed reasons. “It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, but then that’s Ted all over.”

Ned reaches for his own coffee. “Give him a break; this is the first time he’s been with anyone since Helga. He’s entitled to some nerves about it.”

“At Timothy’s expense?” Patricia asks, arching an eyebrow. 

“It’s just a show. He likes Tim fine, think he’s cute.”

“What? How’d you figure that?”

Ned gives Tim a wink. “Well, he’s got eyes.”

Tim is charmed despite himself, and Zed rolls his eyes in disgust. “Ugh. Tricia and I are gonna stick around an extra day, see if she can’t drive us both off a waterfall in one of those fan boats.”

“We will also have to brace the bed with something so that it does not collapse,” Patricia says. “I thought that having the earth move beneath oneself during sexual intercourse was supposed to be much quieter.”

“Y’all got the loudest bed though; sounded like a crazed midget got chained to a pogo stick last night. This mornin’, too,” Zed tells them.

“Well, it sounded like _you_ two were joined by a bullymong-” Tim claps his hand over his mouth as he realizes what he’s just said. 

Everyone else in the room looks at him, startled, and Patricia starts laughing. “Zed! Did you hear what he just called you?”

“Who said it was Zed that Tim was talkin’ about?” Ned points out, which earns him a poisonous glare.

“At least I didn’t mention the rakk noises.”

“I can, and will, ban you from Fyrestone. Just keep talkin’, son.” Zed smiles as he says it, though. “Speakin’ of that. I’m glad y’all worked some things out.”

Tim feels warmth spread through him as he meets Ned’s eyes. “Things can only get better.”

“I am going to vomit,” Patricia announces.

Nobody’s sure if it’s because she’s disgusted, or if it’s just morning sickness.


	21. Aguaholics Anonymous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim and Ned go to Wam Bam Island where they have some fun in the sun and meet Psyren. Less fun: returning to find that Jakobs Cove isn’t _quite_ how they left it.

“Give me a call before you go back up to the H,” Tim says. “Maybe we can get together for dinner, or something.”

Blake reaches out to clasp Tim’s hand in his own. “I would like that.”

“Let’s get outta here. It’s been real, Jeff – see y’all later,” Ned says, nodding at his brother. “Ted.”

Ted nods back and gives Tim a look that would normally inspire spine-tingling terror, but Tim realizes with a start that he’s simply not scared of Ted anymore. “Bye, Ted. Don’t kill anyone I wouldn’t kill.”

“Go away,” Ted advises him.

Patricia and Zed have already left for the Catch-a-Boat, and they’ll probably be seeing each other again soon anyway, but it’s still weird to be the first ones leaving. Tim _is_ pretty excited about going to Wam Bam Island, though, and Ned teases him about it as they bring their bags up to the Fast Travel. “You might decide to stay there; then what would I do?”

“You could stay there with me,” Tim laughs. “What gave you the idea for this? I thought we were heading back to Jakobs Cove first thing.”

“I know how much you like beaches so I figured, why not? We can hang out for a couple hours, maybe make a reservation to come back an’ stay for longer if you like it,” Ned says. “I got that patent fast-tracked, so money ain’t gonna be a problem.”

Tim throws his arms around Ned’s neck and kisses his doctor. “We’d better save it so you can get circuit-free…which reminds me. Did you ask Ted if he could help?”

“Believe it or not, I was a little busy these past few days,” Ned says wryly. “Ted’s gonna be around for a while and it ain’t gonna kill me.”

“I don’t want you to be in pain if you don’t have to be,” Tim insists. He’s all for going back outside and talking to Ted right away, appalled that neither of them had mentioned the problem, but he lets Ned think that he’s been convinced to drop it. As soon as they get back to Hallows End, Tim’s going to send a message asking for Ted’s help; he doesn’t foresee Ted being thrilled to hear from him, but Tim’s sure that he’ll be more receptive once Tim explains himself.

They’re digistructed into a rustic-looking shack that’s not dissimilar to the lodge’s construction, though there aren’t as many hunting souvenirs nailed to the walls. Ned shoves their bags into something that looks like a treasure chest, closing it and scanning a code on the side with his ECHO device. “What’s that?” Tim asks, rapping his knuckles on the wooden surface. “You’ve got the key, right?”

Ned shows him the ECHO’s screen. “Nah, see? That code’s registered to us now – when we need our shit back, all I gotta do is scan it. They charge by the hour, so once it opens back up it’ll take money from my account. Pretty good, right?”

“Yeah, it’s not bad. What happens if we lose your ECHO device?”

“What happens if you quit tryin’ to think of the worst case scenario? You wanna go to the beach, or not?”

“I was just asking,” Tim says defensively. “Let’s go. Is Maya here yet?”

Ned assures him that when Maya and Krieg show up, everyone’s going to know about it. They go out, and Tim immediately tows Ned towards the water. It’s even more beautiful than he’d thought it would be – they’re _definitely_ coming back here for a few days once the zombie infestation has finally been taken care of. 

Tim yanks his boots off and sticks his socks inside them, rolling up his pants legs and charging into the shallows. “Come in here with me,” he calls.

“In a minute,” Ned tells him, leaning down to move Tim’s boots further away from the water.

He can’t believe how clear the water is, and it’s not even that cold. “D’you want to go swimming?” Tim asks, turning around to see that Ned is sitting on the sand gazing at him. “What are you looking at?”

“I’m lookin’ at you.” Ned’s smile deepens as Tim pulls off his shirt and throws it over. “Don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it.”

Tim looks at the way Ned’s shirt is stretched tight across that powerful chest and those magnificent _arms_. He loves those arms. “The feeling’s mutual. Come here.”

“Someone’s feelin’ high and mighty after last night,” Ned says, but starts taking off his boots anyway. He discards his shirt and comes out to take Tim’s outstretched hand in his own, and they walk along the sand together. 

After a while, Tim gives into the impulse to move closer, and leans against Ned’s shoulder. “I love it here.”

“Thought you might,” Ned says, tucking Tim against his side. They stop to look out across the water together, and Tim closes his eyes and lifts his face to the breeze. “There used to be some big-ass monster here, but the Vault Hunters cleared it out.” He explains about the Son of Crawmerax and Alastair Hammerlock’s involvement – Hammerlock seems to be responsible for a lot of the monsters on Pandora, Tim thinks. He’s never known that anyone could be so excited about wildlife.

Tim cuddles up to Ned, sighing in contentment and rubbing his palms over the scars on Ned’s back. “Thanks for bringing me, I know you didn’t have to.”

“Didn’t I?” Ned presses his lips to Tim’s temple. “How else am I s’posed to make sure you make me look good on your next report to Jakobs?”

“Oh, is _that_ what it is?” Tim grins. “In that case, I might have some ideas that would end up making you look _great_.”

“Please tell me they involve my dick,” Ned says fervently, making Tim laugh. Ned glances behind them and clears his throat. “Okay, so, don’t freak out but they’re here.”

Why would he freak out, Tim wonders, and turns to realize exactly why Ned mentioned it. “Oh my god. She’s a…and that’s…he’s a…”

“He’s a big boy, ain’t he? Keep behind me just in case,” Ned murmurs, lifting a hand to greet the newcomers. “Hey, y’all! How we doin’?”

Tim swallows hard, looking at the enormous Psycho moving towards them with a Siren at his side. “So that’s Maya, and…Krieg?”

“Yup.”

“Hey, Doc,” Maya says, and looks straight at Tim. “You must be the doppelgänger. I’ve heard about you from Lilith – it’s Timothy, right? I’m Maya, and this is Krieg.” She smiles and extends her hand, and Tim takes it after Ned nudges him. “Good to meet you.”

“I, uh…hi,” Tim says lamely. “It’s nice to be, um, to be met. By you. Sorry that I look like you-know-who, but it’s kind of permanent.”

Krieg stares down at him and swivels his head over to Maya. “A CRESCENDO of flesh and SURGICAL circumstance,” the big man yells. It doesn’t make sense…but it also kind of _does_, which is weird. “Altered art and blood,” Krieg finishes in a growl, shaking his head.

Maya smiles, like this is completely normal. For her, it probably is. “We’re always glad to see a fellow Vault Hunter. Elpis, right? How was it there?”

“Terrifying, to be honest with you. The Vault monster was a huge head that spit acid,” Tim says. “It went down easily enough, but….acid.”

“Ours breathed fire.”

Krieg tilts his head. “Vomiting FLAMES and sharp crystalline rapture!”

“Did y’all get anything good from that?” Ned asks.

Maya shrugs. “I got a Conference Call. Krieg got Jack’s mask.”

“Like, from his face?” Tim asks.

Ned retrieves his shirt and puts it on. “I’m only doin’ this out of respect for you, son,” he tells Krieg. “Wouldn’t want you t’feel like a wimp compared to me.”

Krieg’s eye crinkles in the only smile he can actually show through his mask. “No, we wouldn’t,” he says suddenly in a tone that _isn’t_ a yell.

“Holy shit! When’d _that_ happen?” Ned demands, staring in disbelief.

“It takes…work,” Krieg says. “And it’s never for very long, before he- it’s ME time for MEAT time,” he finishes in a howl.

Maya puts her hand on top of his and smiles. “Pretty great, huh?”

“So if y’all bone, you’re really havin’ a threeway?”

“Ned, oh my _god_; shut up,” Tim yells.

“Get real. You were thinkin’ the same damn thing.”

“Well…no. No, I wasn’t. You guys, I am so _sorry_-”

Krieg looks as perplexed as the mask will allow, and Maya starts laughing. “If we had any doubts about you, Tim, they’re gone now. You two wanna go varkid hunting? The last time we were here, you could buy special syringes and inject them into varkid pods,” she says. “I got some pretty good loot from what the varkids would dig up.”

“I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like fun.” Tim looks over at Ned. “What do you think?”

Ned shrugs. “Never seen coked-up varkids before. Why not?”

“Suck the MARROW and the BLOODY SLIME until the bones are hollow,” Krieg thunders.

Varkid hunting it is, then.

Maya and Krieg hang out with them for a few more hours. Tim is surprised to find that he really likes Krieg, despite his initial…surprise…at being introduced to a Psycho. Maybe it’s because both of them have to constantly deal with the first impressions they make on people, Tim thinks. Maya’s pretty cool, too, and easy to talk to. She demonstrates her Siren powers on Ned when Tim asks about it, which makes everyone laugh. Well, except for Ned. 

They relax on the beach when the other couple leaves – well, more accurately, _Tim_ relaxes while Ned tries to rinse off the slag residue left by Maya’s Phaselock. “This smells so freaking nasty,” Ned complains. “It’s all over my _clothes_.”

“You look good in purple,” Tim says. “Especially when you’re naked.”

“Right,” Ned tells him, still sounding aggrieved. 

“And it’s not like there’s anyone else around to see you. There’s nobody around to see me, either.”

Ned doesn’t look up from scrubbing at a particularly large stain on his pants. “All you’re doin’ is sittin’ there. Who cares if anyone sees you?”

Tim finishes dropping his clothing onto the chair and clears his throat loud enough to finally make Ned look up. “You might care.”

Ned’s eyes widen, and he immediately starts looking around to make sure they’re alone. Apparently satisfied, Ned looks back at Tim and lifts a hand to beckon him closer. “Hel_lo_, Mister _Lawrence_. Bring it on over.”

“_It_?” Tim laughs.

“The rest of you can come, too.”

Now _that’s_ a compromise Tim can deal with.

Both of them are tired, hungry, and have sand in unmentionable areas by the time they have to leave the island. Tim is well on his way to being sunburnt yet again, and he’s pretty sure that his salt-stiffened hair resembles a work of abstract art. Ned, of course, looks as tanned and gorgeous as ever.

“You wanna stop somewhere to eat?” Ned offers as they retrieve their belongings from the chest.

Tim shakes his head, reaching out to take the bag that Ned passes to him. “I just want a shower. We have food at home, right?”

Ned pauses, smiling. “Home, huh?”

“Home,” Tim confirms, smiling back. “Ready to go?”

“Nope, but we need t’get back to it anyway.”

They arrive back on the Fast Travel dock in Jakobs Cove, and Tim’s struck by a sudden feeling of unease. Something doesn’t feel right, but he can’t put his finger on the problem… it’s probably just the fact that they’re back to a place filled with actual zombies. That’s enough to give anyone the creeps, Tim thinks.

He looks over at Ned, who has a slight frown on his face. “Hey. It’s gonna be okay.”

“I’d rather be anywhere else than here,” Ned sighs, “but I gotta finish cleanin’ up the mess I made.”

Tim drops his bag and places his hands on either side of Ned’s face, leaning in to press their foreheads together. “And I’ll be here to help, every lurch of the way.”

“Ha, ha.”

“Hey,” Tim says softly. “I’m with you, and I love you. No matter what. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Ned tells him. “I lo-_wait_. The recording’s stopped.”

He’s right, Tim realizes. His heart begins to race, because if the Jakobs messages have stopped being broadcast, it might mean that the generator isn’t working. “Check your ECHO,” he says, but Ned already has it out and is looking through the messages. “You _did_ say you’d know if the generator went offline, right?”

“Yup…there’s nothin’ here, though.” Ned looks up at him. “Let’s head through an’ see what’s up. Got your gun on you?”

Nodding, Tim pulls it from the holster and follows Ned through the windmill’s door. “Shouldn’t I be in front of you?” he asks.

“Nope; anything tryin’ to get at you’s gotta go through me, first. Stay back there.”

They step through into the town, each small movement sounding unbearably loud in the silence. The sound of a limb crashing down to the ground in the distance makes them both jump. “I’m not seeing anybody,” Tim whispers, clapping a hand to his heart.

Ned cocks his head, holding up a hand as he listens carefully. “Sounds clear enough. We’ll check out the generator first ‘cause I don’t hear the turrets.”

They cross over to the generator, and Ned pries off the cover while Tim stations himself at an angle so that he can keep an eye on their surroundings. “I wonder why it didn’t notify you when they lost power here. D’you think everyone is just…..hiding somewhere?”

“Be nice if they were,” Ned says absently, examining the connections. “I doubt it, though. Someone’s been in here fuckin’ up the cables.”

“Why would anyone want to disable the power? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It does if you wanted all the folks livin’ here for an afternoon snack,” Ned says, sitting back on his heels and looking up at Tim. “We already know if Threes get cured and reinfected, they get even smarter. My guess is, one of ‘em leveled up and figured out how to get around the turrets so they could unplug ‘em for their buddies.”

Whoever messed up the generator also knew exactly what would happen if the power was cut, and planned accordingly. “If they’ve overrun Jakobs Cove…what does that mean for the Fast Travel?”

“Ordinarily it’d mean they could get out and zombify every damn person on Pandora,” Ned explains, digging through his pockets until he finds a folding knife. “Once we figured out folks were gettin’ reinfected, I made sure anyone usin’ that thing would need a code to access it. Watch my back while I try to fix this shit, will ya?”

“Well, I haven’t been watching your ass,” Tim points out. “What happens if you fix it and they just sneak around and mess it up again?”

“Then we got us a big fuckin’ problem.” Ned doesn’t think that any Threes are still lurking around since they haven’t already been attacked, which _does_ make sense, but that it’s a safe bet that their arrival will be noticed the moment the power is restored. “Like it or not, we’ll need t’start lockin’ people up until this whole place gets cleared out.”

“You mean, if we survive long enough to cure them again?”

“Exactly,” Ned snorts. “I just gotta splice these bastards together, then we can make a run for my infirmary.”

Tim shifts from foot to foot, turning in a circle and trying to keep an eye on all of the possible approaches. Ned focuses on the wiring, occasionally digging through his bag for something that Tim had no idea was even in there – he’s not in the right frame of mind to wonder why Ned brought electrical tape to Aegrus, but he’s definitely going to ask later. “I’m still not seeing anyone,” he says when Ned finally stands up to stretch. “How’s your knees?”

“They ain’t lookin’ forward to all the exercise, that’s for sure. I flip this switch, and we run like hell – got it?”

Unfortunately, Tim thinks. “Got it.”

Ned lifts the cover back into place and shoulders his pack, reaching out for the generator’s on switch. 

“_-ation would like to remind you…_”

“Okay, _go_!”

They take off for the Bleeding Heart Infirmary, but Tim’s relief upon seeing it is short-lived because someone’s obviously been in there and trashed the place. After checking to be sure they’re not walking into an ambush, Tim barricades the door and parks himself beside the window while Ned digs through the mess to unearth a lockbox and haul it up onto his desk. “Were they looking for antidote? I didn’t think you stored any of that here.”  
“I… held back a few vials, stuck ‘em under the floorboards,” Ned tells him. “Cora’s people had no reason to look for it here; if they did this, they’d be lookin’ for Anshin products. My guess is, someone came in here and then Threes came later to see what they could fuck up.”

“Why would you hide any of that?”

“Let’s just say that the limb regrowth serum wasn’t the _only_ patent I applied for.”

“Are you serious? You tried to make money off it?”

“Hello; have you _met_ me? Course I did!”

It _is_ very on-brand for Ned, now that Tim really thinks about it. 

Ned dumps his bag out on the floor and uses some of the laundry to wrap up some of the vials in, then adds a handful of InstaHealths and a few rolls of bandages. Producing a huge Tediore shotgun from a crate marked ‘medical supplies’ he sticks that into the bag, too.

They each take a different window and make their game plan while keeping an eye out for any approaching zombies – they’ll push on towards Hallows End looking for survivors. Assuming the treehouse isn’t overrun, Ned will produce another batch of antidote and figure out a safe way to distribute it. Tim suggests modifying one of the sniper rifles, which Ned agrees with, but they also decide to find something that can work at close range. 

It’s time to head back home, and hope against hope that everything’s still how they’d left it. Tim feels queasy at the thought of facing super-charged Threes. A quick glance over at Ned shows that the other man isn’t any happier about it. “This freaking _blows_,” Tim says. “Why couldn’t they have just stayed where it was safe?” Ned doesn’t answer, and when Tim glances over he sees that Ned’s eyes are fixed on the zombies who have come out of the trees to block their path.

“Remember that big fuckin’ problem I said we’d have? Here it is,” Ned tells him, widening his stance and slowly lifting the shotgun. “They behind us, too?”

Tim looks back to see that yes, they’re being surrounded. “Oh, shit. Ohhh, fuckity fuck fuck.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

There’s no time to dig out any of the antidote – not that it would do them any good. Tim licks his lips nervously and backs up against Ned so that he can keep his eyes on the Threes coming up from behind them. “They’re trying to get us to go forward, or back,” Tim murmurs, watching how the zombies are spaced out. There are less of them on the sides; if he can get Ned to follow him, they might be able to surprise the Threes by forcing their way through on the left. “Let’s go to the side, instead. My right, your left. Act like we’re going to go forward.”

He can feel Ned sinking down slightly in preparation. “Gotcha.”

Tim reaches a hand back to touch Ned’s leg. “When I tap you, that’s the signal to move,” he murmurs.

Waiting until the Threes get just a _little_ closer, Tim can see from the corner of his eye that the zombies at the sides are letting the space between them grow as they move towards the others at the front and back. “We need to go _now_,” he yells. The space grows even larger as the Threes respond to his shout, and Tim knows it’s time to run. 

Tapping Ned’s leg, Tim feints a lunge towards the Threes directly facing him before whirling to dash to the right. Ned keeps a few steps behind to guard Tim’s retreat, and they run until they come up to the tunnel that leads to Generally Hospital. “You good?” Ned wheezes at him.

“Yeah, I’m okay. What now?”

“We need t’get through. Only other option is the hospital - which don’t have enough equipment. So maybe that’s not an option at all.”

“I have the feeling they know that we really need to get into Hallows End. How the hell are we supposed to get past them?” Tim asks in frustration. “Why didn’t anyone _call_ us?” The only thing that they can really do, Ned tells him, is to sneak past the waiting zombie horde and hope for the best. 

Tim’s also hoping that the Threes’ eyesight isn’t the best, because it looks like they’re examining every single blade of grass. “It’ll be fine,” Ned whispers as they creep back to their original starting point. “Just go slow, and go _careful_.”

“I wish I’d coughed up more money for a silencer,” Tim says.

“Jakobs weapons don’t-”

“I _know_, Ned!”

They move slowly (and carefully!) towards the entrance to Hallows End, being sure to stick to the shadows. A few times they’re forced to crawl on their stomachs to avoid detection, and Tim could swear that he’s ready to have a heart attack. 

Ned gives him the signal to pause as they’re only a few feet away from their destination, which is being patrolled by a gang of Threes. “We’re gonna have to shoot ‘em.”

“What if we threw a rock or something in the other direction? They’d go check it out and then we could get past,” Tim whispers back. He doesn’t want killing any of the zombies on his conscience, especially since he probably knows all of them, but that’s not the sort of thing he can actually say out loud. Especially since Ned knew all of them, too, and that little detail hadn’t stopped him.

“Knock yourself out,” Ned tells him.

There isn’t any rocks small enough to throw nearby, but Tim finds a branch that will work just as well. He hefts it experimentally and waits until the Threes are facing the other direction before throwing it.

His branch hits the boughs overhead with a loud noise that brings all eyes to Tim’s hiding place. This includes Ned’s eyes, which are full of incredulous disbelief. “You gotta be _kidding_ me,” Ned hisses at him. “_Run_.”

They run.

He’s somehow managed to forget just how _fast_ the Threes are; the amped-up zombies are on them in seconds. Tim’s ears pop from the concussive blast of Ned’s shotgun, and he nails one of the Threes right between the eyes with his own pistol. The stench of rotting meat wafts across his neck and Tim whirls to shoot his attacker, trying to keep track of Ned in the chaos. He can hear the thudding sounds of fists hitting flesh and it sounds like an all-out brawl somewhere to his left.

Tim gets knocked down as another Three charges at him. “Stop it,” Tim yells out of sheer reflex. He gets another blast of putrid breath as it lunges forward and opens its mouth, trying to make contact with Tim’s skin as the disturbingly sharp teeth snap in anticipation. Tim’s arms begin to shake from the effort of keeping it at bay. “_Ned!_” Its head abruptly disintegrates from the shotgun firing at point-blank range, coating him with things better left unmentioned, and Ned is there to pull him to safety. “Thanks. Oh, god.”

All around them are body parts and zombie…fluids, but they seem to have momentarily gained some breathing space. “We gotta keep goin’,” Ned pants. “C’mon.” There’s a straight shot into Hallows End, which they take before any other zombies can zero in on their location.

They run until they come across the ruins of a shed that’s probably been used to house Outrunners, and Ned drops his pack onto the floor to dig through its contents while Tim barricades the entrance. “You okay?” Ned asks, glancing up at him before returning his attention to the bag.

“Yeah – thanks for the save. I thought I was a goner for sure that time. How about you? Are _you_ okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” Ned pauses in unrolling his laundry from around the vials, and Tim takes a closer look as his lover rocks back on his heels. “Or…not. _Fuck_.”

Tim stares uncomprehendingly at the crushed glass. “But you know how to make more, right? It’s not a total loss.”

Ned rubs his hands over his face before looking up at Tim. He looks _sad_, for some reason. “Okay, here’s how we’re gonna play it. I need you t’take my ECHO, get that code changed – somethin’ you’d remember easy, but that I couldn’t guess at. Do it now so you won’t forget. I’ll write the formula down so it’s real simple.”

“What are you talking about?”

“No matter what, a Three is a Three. You can’t get away, you kill it ‘fore it kills you. Got it?”

Tim can feel dread sinking its cold hooks into his heart. He hadn’t seen what happened back there; is it possible that….? “Ned, stop it. You’re coming with me. There’s no need-”

Ned lifts the hem of his shirt just enough for Tim to see the mangled, bloodied skin and a grayish taint spreading like a stain along his ribs. “They were too fuckin’ fast for me this time.”

“No,” Tim blurts. “_No_.”

“I’ll try to hold out long as I can, I promise,” Ned tells him, and Tim can see the despair in Ned’s eyes. “Do me a favor, though? Don’t let me kill you. I couldn’t stand it if…”

“_No_,” Tim repeats, his vision blurring through the tears. “Ned, I can’t leave you.”

Ned reaches out for his hand and gives it a squeeze. “You’ve gotta. I won’t tell you where t’go next; hell, I wouldn’t blame you for going right back for the Fast Travel and never comin’ back. There’s no tellin’ what I could remember once the infection gets the best of me.” Drawing his ECHO device out of the pack, Ned passes it over. “Reset it now, ‘fore you leave.”

“I don’t want to-”

“You _have_ to,” Ned says sharply. “The sooner, the better.” He goes back to sorting through his pack, deliberately ignoring Tim.

Tim stares down at the ECHO device cradled in his hands for a small eternity before Ned snaps at him to change the Fast Travel code. He can’t do this, he _can’t_. “Ned.”

“Change the fuckin’ code, Lawrence. _Now_.”

Using the heel of his hand to wipe away the tears and zombie gunk from his eyes, Tim squints at the screen and finally enters the password as ‘ihatejumppads’ before exiting out and trying to pass the ECHO back.

“No, you keep that. You get cornered, destroy it,” Ned orders. He pauses to press his hand against his ribs, wincing in pain. “It’s gettin’ worse, kid. Here – take the bag with you.” Ned puts the shotgun back inside it and hands it over. 

“I hate this, I don’t want to leave you.”

“I know, honey. Most of me don’t wanna be left, either, but I’d rather die than cause harm to you.” Ned reaches out, and Tim comes into his arms with a low cry. “Time for you to get on. Stay strong, an’ look out for yourself.”

Tim nods as he presses his face against Ned’s neck, feeling Ned’s hand cup the back of his head tenderly. “Once I get more antidote, I’ll put it into a bullet just like we said. You’ll be the first one I shoot, okay?”

“Deal,” Ned says softly. “Go on, now. Don’t you forget to hide that crank for the elevator.”

“Okay.”

Staying just long enough to press his lips against Ned’s one last time, Tim gathers up his supplies and leaves without looking back.


	22. A Perfect Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dead Ned’s officially on the loose, so Tim calls in the big guns. Who is actually just one gun, who likes to use swords.

Tim’s not really sure how he manages to get back to the treehouse, but he makes it there somehow.

Several members of the ZRT are there, to his relief, as are the survivors from Jakobs Cove. Cora has gone missing, but Tim knows everyone there and he splits them into groups after they go through Ned’s instructions – a few have enough training to be put in charge of antidote production. 

They all seem to know why Ned’s not with him, and Tim’s not sure how to feel about that, but a part of him is glad that he doesn’t actually have to _say_ why Ned’s gone. With everyone busy doing prep work, Tim can focus on trying to fortify the treehouse for the upcoming invasion…because there _will_ be one. It’s just a matter of time before Ned shows up.

He paces back and forth as he considers their options – they could all just stay here, and shoot from the porch once the guns are all modified, or he could call for help. Jakobs has paid him enough to hire Maya, and possibly Krieg. It _could_ work. Maybe.

“Uh…Tim?”

Tim looks over. “Everything okay, Cal?”

“Not really,” Cal stammers. “Ned’s here.”

Any hope Tim might have had that Ned had healed himself somehow is dashed just by looking at the fear on Cal’s face. “We’re not _ready_ for him to be here yet.” Tim licks his lips nervously and goes outside to peer over the ledge.

The treehouse has been fully surrounded by Threes along with the other zombie varietals, and there’s no question of who’s in charge. Ned stands in front of his army, staring up directly at Tim.

Even from this distance it’s easy to see how different Ned is – his skin has taken on a sickly grey tinge but the most strikingly horrific change of all is that Ned’s eyes are actually red and _glowing_. Ned lifts something up for him to see, turning it slowly so that Tim can get a good look at it.

“Please tell me we have enough serum,” Tim says faintly, because Ned has just displayed the hand crank for the elevator. How did he even _get_ that?

“The guns aren’t ready yet,” Cal says. “We’re all gonna die.”

They watch as Ned walks over to the side of the platform and hits the button that will recall the cage; the rattle of the motor starting up finally jolts them into action. “We gotta jam the machinery; how the _fuck_ did he get the crank?”

“Arnold had an extra made so we wouldn’t get stuck down there,” Cal pants, wildly searching for something he can use to stick into the gears. “_Shit_. How are we gonna stop him from getting up here?”

“An extra? Are you _kidding_ me! God _damn_ it, Cal!” Tim jams his fingers into his hair, struggling to think of something they can use. “Wait! I’ve got it – go get the mop from the operating room.”

Cal races off with a shriek that Tim feels like echoing, himself. He runs inside and grabs up a handful of tools from the clinic, crashing back through the door. It’s too late to call Maya and Krieg for help, but it might not be too late for _Ted_ to help him. He can hear several pairs of feet pounding back down the stairs, and he holds the door open for the others. 

Each of them seem to have found something they can use, and Tim feverishly directs them towards the machinery while fumbling with Ned’s ECHO device. “Do whatever you have to; just keep the elevator from reaching the bottom,” he yells, “I’m gonna get us some help.”

“We need a fucking _miracle_,” Arnold wails.

Tim scrolls through the contact list until he finds Ted’s name, hardly daring to breathe until he hears Ned’s triplet answer. “It’s the middle of the goddamned _night_,” Ted says sleepily. 

“I need you, can you come? _Now_?”

“‘_’Scuse_ me?” Ted asks sharply, fully awake. “Lawrence? What the fuck!”

“Ned’s been bitten, and he’s going to kill us all,” Tim says hurriedly. “I’ll send you the Fast Travel code-”

“What’s your coordinates? Check the map,” Ted orders, then disconnects as soon as Tim relays the numbers.

Tim rushes to see how the others are faring, relieved to see that his idea is actually working – the gears have been stopped from turning due to everything that’s been jammed in there. “How far down did it get before you stopped it? Can anybody see where it is right now?”

“I dunno, maybe halfway? There’s no real way to tell without one of us being down there on the ground,” Arnold says. “Is it important?”

“It’ll be important if it’s low enough for them to climb,” Tim says, and wonders at the way the rest of them exchange glances. “It might not be too much of a problem, though. Ned’s just a Three, so as dangerous as that is-”

“Erm,” Arnold interrupts apologetically. “You know how we ‘level up’ when we’re reinfected, right?”

“Well, yeah. What does that have to do with Ned?”

“Ned had a group of Vault Hunters after him several years ago, when Jakobs…terminated…his contract. He shot himself up with a modified strain of the virus and it took all four Vault Hunters to bring him down. He is way, _way_ beyond being just a Three. If he’s been reinfected, Ned’s at least a Ten. At _least_.”

A _Ten_? Fuck! Okay, so what would Ned do if…? “He’s not down there anymore, is he.” Ted’s not going to make it in time, Tim thinks as Cal leans over the side to look before drawing back and shaking his head. “Everyone, grab a weapon. Sarah, Don, and…whatever your name is? You three stay out here. One of you needs to climb up on the eaves or something. We’ll try to keep him out.”

“Keep him out? Where is he?”

“He’s climbing up the back.” Tim pulls his pistol from its holster as he runs inside. “Check the windows in case he’s on one of the sides.” Ned _hates_ climbing.

Hated.

_Jesus_.

“Does anybody see him?” 

“He’s not over here…”

“_Shit!_ Tim, he’s halfway up the fucking _tree_,” someone howls, just as Sarah yells out that the Threes in front are _also_ climbing up.

“Get them off! I mean, uh, _knock_ them off,” Tim shouts, checking his ammo and leaning out the window to get a look at Ned. He doesn’t want to hurt him, but it’s clear that Ned doesn’t have the same goals. “You don’t want to do this.”

Ned looks up and Tim quails at the look in those glowing red eyes; apparently he very much _does_ want to do this. If he gets in the treehouse, the rest of them are as good as dead. Tim thumbs back the hammer and takes careful aim.

A distant _thump_ accompanied by a dopplered whistling shriek and a deafening crash startles Tim enough that his first shot goes wide. He doesn’t have time to wonder what the hell is going on out there because Ned snarls and starts climbing even faster. Tim cocks the gun again and leans out – his next bullet buries itself in Ned’s shoulder. Ned’s almost knocked off of the tree trunk, and he scrabbles for a better hold even as he stares up at Tim as if he hadn’t really thought that Tim would shoot him. “Get out of here, Ned!”

Ned does not get out of there – on the contrary, the momentary surprise on his face gives way to what can best be described as murderous rage. Fantastic. 

Tim shoots him again and this time Ned doesn’t let it slow him down; he just climbs even _faster_. “Stop it,” Tim yells as if Ned’s even capable of listening to him anymore. Ned’s reached the windowsill and is starting to pull himself up and inside the house when a hand grabs the back of Tim’s shirt and yanks him out of the way. He crashes to the floor and his pistol goes sliding across the room; Tim looks up in time to see Ted reach his right hand up towards his opposite ear before bringing his arm across in a quick movement that drives his armored elbow directly into Ned’s face with an unpleasant crunching sound.

The powerful blow dislodges Ned from the window frame and, judging by the way that Ted leans out to look, completely separates him from any possible solid footing. “You killed him,” Tim says, unable to believe what he’s just seen.

“He’s a freaking _zombie_, which means he’s already dead, and you’re _welcome_.” Ted wrenches the helmet off and glares at him, leaning out of the window to bellow down at the ground. “Yeah, you just _try_ to haul your fat ass up here again! Fuckin’ idiot! The hell’s wrong with you?” 

“He’s….he’s okay?”

“See for yourself,” Ted invites, swishing a hand towards the window. “Now, you wanna tell me what the fuck y’all got goin’ on here?”

Tim rushes to the window, sure that he’s going to look out and see Ned’s dead body splayed out on the forest floor below. When he leans out, Ned is standing there glaring up at him. “I told you to knock it off, Ned! You’re okay though, right?”

Ned snarls at him and disappears into the undergrowth. “He just tried t’kill you,” Ted points out. “You should be more worried about _you_.”

“He’d never hurt me on purpose.” Tim can feel that he’s starting to shake and wraps his arms around himself. “It’s not his fault.”

“Technically-”

“_Thank you_, Ted. How did you get here so fast, anyway? Did you run? It’s a pretty long walk from Jakobs Cove – not that I walked. I ran, too.” Tim knows he’s babbling and that he really needs to shut up. He’d told himself that if he looked back at Ned, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from staying…what if he’s missed his last chance to say goodbye? “I didn’t say ‘I love you.’ He told me to leave, and I said ‘_okay_’.”

Ted steers him up the stairs and into the kitchen, where he opens cabinets and digs through drawers until he finds a bottle of whiskey. Pouring some into a cracked coffee mug, Ted slides it over. “Here, kid.”

Tossing it back isn’t the brightest idea Tim’s ever had - he immediately starts wheezing and spluttering. “Gah – how could anyone _drink_ that?” It burns away the worst of the shock that had been settling in on him, though, which is what Ted had intended. 

“It’s an acquired taste,” Ted tells him. “Now. You got undead folks all over the place, and the rest of y’all’re holed up here like an all-you-can-eat buffet. How many exits’re handy?”

“I, ah…just…the elevator?”

Ted gives him a slow blink. “One exit. One. As in, the _only_ one.” He waves away Tim’s attempted explanation and keeps going. “A’ight, then. We’ll…we’ll work on that. What’s the plan, here? You’re the one in charge, right?”

Tim wishes he wasn’t. “It looks like it.”

“So, you’ve got a ton of zombies out for blood, not to mention your main squeeze. What’re you gonna do about it?”

“Well…Ned gave me the formula for making more antidote. We were going to modify some bullets to hold the-”

“I’ll stop you there. You got the right idea, but if you fuck up its execution you’re in for a world of hurt. A hollow bullet won’t do any good if it pierces an artery or lodges somewhere vital….and formulas’re only as good as the person makin’ ‘em.” Ted stifles a yawn, which reminds Tim that he’d woken the other man up. “Let’s get this mess settled so I can go back to bed. Show me what y’all goin’ on.”

Tim leads him into Ned’s laboratory, where Sarah and Holly are going through cabinets and digging through the cabinets. “This is it,” Tim says. “I’ve got the formula here.” He passes over the ECHO device.

The two women exchange looks behind Ted’s back before speaking up. “Uh…wasn’t he just trying to kill everyone?”

“What? Oh, no – this is his brother Ted.”

Ted glances up from his reading material. “Where’s he keep the digistruct module?”

“Digistruct…? We don’t have one.”

“Kid, you’re shacked up with the laziest bastard on Pandora. Trust me; he’s got one.” Ted sets him to looking for it and has the two women help him set up the lab equipment. 

Tim leaves the lab to look elsewhere, pausing as he catches sight of the Hyperion supply crate that’s flattened a section of the covered bridge. Well, that answers the question of how Ted could have gotten there so quickly – it had to have been a shock for the Threes to see the cargo container arriving via Moonshot. He feels bad for hoping a few Threes had been squashed by it; it’s sometimes hard for Tim to remember that all of the zombies had been innocent people, even if they’ve been dumb enough to wander off and get reinfected.

He finally locates the digistruct module in the clinic under one of the counters and carries it back up to find that they’ve already finished a batch of antidote. “Wow, that was fast,” Tim says. Sarah looks up from her perusal of Ted’s ass, flushing guiltily. That was _also_ fast – he wouldn’t think anyone would have either the time or the inclination to be horny during a full-scale zombie outbreak. “It usually takes Ned at least an hour to make one batch.”

“He _says_ it takes an hour, more like,” Ted says, pointing towards a cleared area of the table. “Right there.”

Tim places the device down in the indicated area. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that Ned was either up here jerkin’ off or takin’ a nap while you thought he was hard at work.” Ted hooks the module up to the power supply and slides the glass beaker holding the antidote into the machine. “Lemme guess – he’d spend all day up here, then maneuver you into givin’ him a massage ‘cause he was just so _tired_.”

“How did you…? I mean, that’s ridiculous,” Tim coughs. Sarah isn’t even bothering to hide her smirk, and he frowns at her before switching his attention back to Ted. “I thought you and Jeff were spending the night together in Hollow Point,” he says, just to get the tiniest sliver of revenge. From the corner of his eye, Tim can see her expression sour. 

Good.

“We were – it was easiest to get up to Helios and use the Moonshot cannon to come on over here. Shame I didn’t land on nobody…okay, here we go. You gals keep an eye on this, make sure we got enough for everyone shufflin’ around down there while we make up a few darts.” Ted rubs his hands over his face, blinking hard. “Y’all got coffee up here, right?”

Two hours, ten cups of coffee, and four attempted zombie incursions later, they’ve slapped together a heavily modified version of tranquilizer darts. The digistruct module is on its last legs and giving off a worrisome burning smell, but it looks like they’re done…kind of. The _real_ hard part is just beginning. 

“We haven’t seen Ned try to get up here again,” Ted says, tucking a handful of the darts into a recess of his armor. “Which means he’s got some plan we won’t like.” They go downstairs and pass out the darts, giving instructions to hold a few back in case anyone needs to digistruct more. “You’re up, kid.”

“Uh….what?”

“Tell ‘em what to do – you’re in charge here, right?” Ted puts his helmet back on and begins to load darts into the handgun he’s seemingly produced from nowhere.

Tim reminds himself to close his mouth before any flies get in. “Oh, um. I thought that _you_ were going to-” Ted looks at him, or something, because there’s no way anyone can prove that Ted’s eyes are even open when he’s wearing his Lance Assassin helmet. “Right.” He clears his throat and turns towards the surviving Jakobs employees. “Okay, here’s the deal. We have enough antidote darts for everyone, but that doesn’t mean we should all just fire randomly into the night and hope they stick. We’ll need a team to stay behind to watch over the treehouse, and the rest of us will go down and take care of the Threes.”

Four people will be stationed on the roof where they can get a clear look down on anything trying to climb up to the house, and another pair will be on the porch to shoot at the zombies still in the courtyard. “The elevator cage is the top priority, so Ted and I will be in charge of blocking the two entrances. If we can get all of you to use the darts on the zombies down there, we can bring them up before they can run the risk of reinfection. Which, bee tee dubs, is one of the main goals – I know nobody here wants to be responsible for helping a Three level up.”

They quickly go over the plan and Ted uses his personal teleportation device to move the watchers up onto the roof. He’s known that Ted has one, but it’s the first time Tim’s actually seen it being used. So _that’s_ how Ted had gotten up into the house in time to save him from Ned.

“Bee tee dubs?” Ted asks as soon as he reappears in a flash of reddish light.

“By the way. You’ve never heard that before? Nobody at Atlas says that?”

An exasperated sigh filters through the helmet. “Lord save us all, you’re nearly as annoyin’ as Ned. C’mon, Dubs. Let’s go shoot us some shufflers.”


	23. Alive at the End of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phase Two of Operation: Dead Ned begins.

Even with the spotters on the roof and the team out on the porch, which _should_ make him feel safer, Tim’s anxiety level has never been higher. How could it not be, with Ned running around out for blood?

Ted is clearly over the situation and has plans for this to be done within three hours. Tim supposes that Ted is used to having things go his way but Ned’s triplet seems _way_ overconfident, especially since he’s never been around zombies before. “Now, there are a few structures just past the gates we could use, but I just don’t think-”

“Well, there’s your problem.”

“Don’t be nasty,” Tim says. “Those houses are made of wood; we could salvage some but all the Threes have to do is burn it, or get a battering ram. Maybe even a Tankenstein.”

“A _what!_ No, I don’t even wanna know. What we need is metal – looks like there’s enough on top of the wall.”

Tim hadn’t even been aware that there was any metal up there, but then again it’s never been a priority of his to actually go check. “Okay, that’s great. How are we supposed to get it _down_ from…” he freezes in place as a glowing red sword abruptly appears right in front of his nose. “Ned forgot to tell me you had a sword.”

“I got two of ‘em. So, here’s how it’s gonna go – I’ll get that stuff down while you cover me, then both of us’ll weld it across the entryway. When’s the last time you ate?”

“I dunno, what does that have to do with anything?”

“Great,” Ted says. “Got your gun?”

“Yes,” Tim replies, turning towards the door. He’s totally unprepared for Ted to grab a fistful of his shirt and _whoosh_ him outside into the middle of the courtyard. It feels like his stomach has just been wrung out like a sponge and he struggles not to throw up as Ted releases him with a pat on the back that just feels unnecessarily patronizing. “Urgghh.”

“Good job for not ralphin’, kid. Here they come.”

Ted disappears as Tim staggers out towards the invaders, lifting his pistol. He doesn’t dare to look up, but he can hear sizzling noises up on the wall while the first few Threes come galloping into the courtyard. “Okay. Okay, one _each_,” Tim reminds himself, trying to aim carefully despite still feeling as if someone is actively juggling his internal organs. The first section of metal comes crashing down, quickly followed by another as the sword shears through it like a hot knife through butter.

His job is made easier by the crew up on the treehouse porch (and roof), though they’re too nervous to wait until the zombies have actually come _inside_. Ted roars at them to knock it off; the last thing they need is to give out free snacks. A few Threes are herding their more brainless comrades through the gates like there’s no tomorrow…and there won’t be one, if they don’t get this stopped. Tim shoots sixteen different zombies and has dragged at least twenty more to safety by the time Ted finishes up and teleports over to the righthand entrance. “Let’s go, Dubs!”

Tim runs over to help, snatching up one of the heavy lengths of metal and hoping that they can get this done without being eaten. “You see him anywhere?”

“Nope. Hold that up for me.” Ted instructs him to set it at an angle, which makes sense – they don’t need to give the zombies a ladder, after all.

They quickly get into a routine of Tim holding the metal up while Ted welds one end of it, then Tim gets his gun out in case something shambles too close. After a hair-raising handful of minutes, the improvised gate is high enough for them to switch to the _other_ entrance.

Ted is soon able to finish the gates by himself while Tim hurries around the courtyard getting de-zombified people into the recovery position. He can hear the ZRT clanging around up there around the elevator shaft, and some of them come down to help administer first aid. Ted occasionally pops in and out of the courtyard as the spotters on the roof alert him to people in need of rescue. Their plan, Tim has to admit, is working well.

Maybe _too_ well, because nobody’s seen hide nor hair of Ned since he was thrown out of the window.

“He’ll be around somewhere,” Ted confirms. “Sooner we nail his ass to the wall, the better – he’s cookin’ up something that’s gonna suck for everyone, I just know it.” They take the elevator back up, and Ted ransacks the refrigerator; apparently using the personal teleportation implant grafted to his spine creates a drain on his energy. 

Tim still feels too nervous to eat, but Ted bullies him into it. “What do you think he’s going to do?”

“We may be identical, but he’s on a whole new level when it comes to bein’ sneaky,” Ted says around a mouthful of leftovers. “End game for him is getting the hell outta the Cove to spread the virus – he can’t do that ‘til he gets his mitts on you; I’m not gonna let him do that, and he knows it, so he needs to deal with _me_.”

Ted has him get a map out and mark the locations where Tim thinks that they’re least likely to find Ned, and they head off into the darkness with guns and a pervasive need to wet themselves.

It’s really just Tim who feels that way, but it cheers him up to think that Ted might be feeling nervous as well.

“I hate this,” Tim sighs as they’re skirting the fence around Generally Hospital.

“Be worried if you didn’t,” Ted replies, carefully stepping over a fallen branch. “We’ll get him. Don’t step on that.”

“I’m not going to step on anything. So, is this plan relying on the main principles of negative reinforcement? Like, this is the one place we don’t expect him to be so he’s going to be here _because_ of that?”

Ted holds up a hand for quiet, dropping to a crouch. “Nope.”

“Then what?”

“It’s relying on me trackin’ his footprints, and they stop right around here.” Ted makes a slight gesture towards the hospital. “He’s in there watchin’ us – do _not_ look – so we, an’ I do mean _we_, are gonna act like we got the wrong place.”

“But if he’s _in_ there-”

“That means he wants to get us in there, genius! Don’t you know nothin’ ‘bout strategy?” Ted roars at him. “Fuck!” 

Ned definitely knows that they know he’s there _now_, Tim thinks. “Good job.”

“Zip it.” Ted wrenches off his helmet and gives Tim a furious look before cramming it back on his head. “This’s turnin’ out to be the worst night of my goddamned _life_. Shoulda told you to fuck off. _Jesus_.”

With their cover blown, zombies start pouring out of the hospital towards them. 

There’s no possible way that they’re going to be able to cure every zombie swarming over the fence and leaping from the windows. “Shit.” 

The hilts of Ted’s swords come out, red plasma flowing up to form the blades. “Cover me,” Ned’s triplet says, then disappears in a wash of red light. 

Tim grabs up his Jakobs pistol and tries his best to follow instructions, but it’s kind of hard when the person you’re supposed to be ‘covering’ keeps popping in and out of existence lopping heads from shoulders like it’s going out of style. One second Ted’s in _mid-air_, the next he’s appearing directly in front of the zombie Tim’s aiming at. It would probably be unspeakably awesome, but Tim’s almost shot Ted at least five times in the last ten seconds and he’s getting fed up. “Oh, come on!”

“Shoot faster,” Ted bellows, materializing in the middle of a dive and bringing the swords around in a powerful movement that decapitates two zombies at once. It’s very cool and _very_ annoying. 

Conquering the urge to stop and make a rude hand gesture, Tim tries conserving ammo by getting as many headshots he can. He’s concentrating so hard that he fails to notice when Ned drops down behind him; a hand clamps over his mouth and yanks him backwards. Tim’s revolver is knocked from his hands and the breath is knocked from his body as he’s slammed into the grass.

Ned hauls him off while he’s still too winded to yell for help, and Tim finds himself being dragged down the hill past the gravestones. His head connects painfully with the edge of the steps and Ned finally throws him against one of the crypts.

Tim groans, lifting a hand to the back of his head– his fingertips come away coated in his own blood. “Ned, this…this isn’t you. Don’t do this,” he says shakily. “You don’t want to do this.”

Ned straddles him, eyes gleaming with malice. “Yes, I do,” Ned hisses – and it’s a definite, _horrifying_ hiss. Lunging forward while Tim yells in terror, Ned’s teeth snap mere centimeters from his throat and then Ned…_licks_ him. Tim freezes in place, barely able to believe it when Ned presses himself down – is that what Tim _thinks_ it is? – and clicks his teeth together again in warning. “Give me the code.”

“N-no th-thanks,” Tim stutters. Oh, god. It _is_ what he thinks it is.

Ned’s expression abruptly changes to something ten times more horrible and he rears back, his mouth opening…

…and a branch knocks him off of Tim and into the bushes. “Did that fuckin’ freak have a hard-on?” Ted says, sounding disgusted. “That’s just nasty.” Pulling Tim to his feet, Ted hands over a syringe and they run towards where Ned had landed.

“He’s gone,” Tim says unnecessarily, still trying to calm down. 

“I see that.” Ted’s helmet turns to regard him. “You good, kid?”

“Fine,” Tim lies. He thinks he’s going to be sick.

“Uh-huh.” Ted jerks his head back towards the hospital’s entrance. “There might be a few left creepin’ around up there – let’s go deal with ‘em.”

Tim struggles to his feet and a wave of dizziness makes him lurch to the side and vomit into the grass. “Sorry.”

Ted moves closer as Tim’s wiping the back of his arm across his mouth, and gloved fingers gently touch the back of his head near the wound. “He got you. Any bites I should know about?”

“No, he was trying to when you got him off. I mean, _knocked_ him-”

“I know what you meant.” Ted rummages in his armor and Tim flinches slightly as the other man brushes aside some of the hair closest to the gash on the back of his head. “Okay, take a deep breath and don’t move.” Tim bites his lip against a yell of pain as the InstaHealth needle slides under his scalp. The pressure of the liquid _does_ make him cry out, but the medicine begins to do its job even as Ted pulls the needle out. “So, _did_ he have a…?”

“Yes.”

“Gross.”

He can say _that_ again.


End file.
